Rough days

Although my boyfriend and I had a wonderful anniversary on Saturday, I had a rough mental day yesterday and it feels like it’s on today as well. I’m just extra emotional and sensitive- I feel like I’m getting easily overwhelmed by things that haven’t been overwhelming me.

Yesterday we needed to find some clothes for my cousin’s wedding this upcoming weekend, and after going to five different stores and finding absolutely nothing I felt pretty defeated. I know it’s not a huge deal, but I hate having to do things during the week and I also hate when I can’t complete a task so it triggered some anxious feelings. I also had gone all day thinking my period was finally over, but turns out that my body was teasing me (which also likely explains the anxiety/emotions).

In the evening yesterday I went to make Ramen (because I was too distraught to grocery shop, another fail that was eating at me), and I over-cooked the noodles. Again, not a huge deal, but to me it was. I cried. I just felt like literally anything I needed to do, was not able to get done. I felt like I was non-stop failing everything and then failing emotionally for letting these “small things” get to me.

The entire day, my boyfriend was reminding me that these things weren’t detrimental, and that was still have solutions for the issues. I felt like I apologized to him about 250 times and every time he would tell me that there was nothing to be sorry about. I apologized for being emotional and crazy, and he just said “you aren’t as bad as you think you are.”

That statement there made me start wondering at what point in my life I developed such a strong hatred toward myself and my mental state. I have empathy for all my friends/family who have mental issues, and I would never even think about speaking to them the way I do to myself; I don’t even feel like I need to! Why do I feel the need to be mad at myself? That’s something I want to dig into a bit more, I can’t see my therapist for a couple of months as my insurance lapsed and she’s hella booked out, but in the meantime I can do my own work. I’m worth working on.

Feels like Summer

It could be the warm weather and the sun, but I’ve been feeling great this weekend! Of course I still have some irritability with the PMS and lack of anxiety medication, but overall I’ve been feeling pretty motivated!

I deactivated my Facebook since I waste too much time on there, and I want to focus more on writing, reading and crafting! I kept my other socials for now, but I think twitter might be next to go. I will keep instagram as I can use that for marketing my Etsy shop and posting my creations!

Yesterday my boyfriend and I spent most of the day together and then in the afternoon we had his brother over and a couple of friends. We ended up just playing bags and hanging out, it was actually a nice time!

Today my friend came over with her sister and her son and we went swimming across the street from my house. It was a great day to swim, and we all had a nice time catching up on our tans (or sunburns… LOL)! They left a while ago and I decided to go on a walk and I actually found a $10 bill! I’m taking that as a sign that things are heading in the right direction.

I have to work tomorrow, but luckily I make my own hours on Monday so I can really do whatever I want! I just need to get patient insurances for the rest of the week and enter some insurance checks that come in! I am feeling like there is a good week ahead of me!

Feeling feelings

Been irritable lately and overthinking a lot. I had a fun weekend, but there were also parts that made me upset but I made sure to let it all go because we were celebrating a good friend for her bachelorette party.

I’ve been feeling people’s emotions and passive aggressiveness lately and it’s been draining. I also feel lack of communication is hurting a relationship right now, but I also don’t know how to address it and it’s not a good time at all. At this point it would be rude to do/say anything so I will just have to wait.

I am just tired right now and am ready to go to bed. I have to work tomorrow and honestly I am kind of excited to start off the month on a good note at work! I think my career life will be thriving soon, I just have to get through a couple months of fixing up quite a few issues.

Irritable (WARNING: strong language)

I’ve been letting my emotions and judgements get the better of me these past couple days and I am honestly upset with myself. I’ve been rude and snippy towards my boyfriend who has done nothing wrong, all because I’m aggravated with a friend when I probably don’t even need to be!

I feel like an asshole being irritated with my friend because I’ve been making assumptions due to the lack of communication which has in turn just made me mad when I don’t even know if I have anything to be mad about!

I did some reflecting yesterday after a conversation with my boyfriend, because I wanted to figure out when my attitude went bad, and I pin-pointed it back to when my dress for my friend’s wedding arrived in the mail. The reason I got so upset is because I may not even need or be able to wear this dress as my friend may be cancelling the ceremony.

In reality, I am allowed to have feelings and be upset and angry, but why am I doing that? The coronavirus is around which obviously has made event planning a million times harder, and things are ever changing when it comes to the lockdowns. She is the one having to plan a wedding during all of this, I should be sympathetic towards her (which I am now). I am thankful that I do not have to be dealing with all of that stress right now.

Since now I probably sound like a total bitch I can explain why I was angry about her possibly cancelling the ceremony. Less than two months ago we were discussing everyone ordering their dresses for the bridal party, and she was overwhelmed and wanted someone else to take it over, so I did without any hesitation! I talked with one of the other bridesmaids and figured out how we all have to order so that it is guaranteed all our dresses are the same exact color, and we picked a date to order!

I informed the bride of when we were all ordering, and we did so as planned. The reason I was upset is because literally two weeks after we ordered is when the bride told me that they’re likely just doing a courthouse wedding and a small celebration afterwards. I was upset because I had just taken this over, got it all done for her, and I felt like she hadn’t been communicating and just dropped this on me. Not to mention I could definitely use that $90 back, but it’s whatever.

For all I know, they didn’t have that decision in their mind back when we placed the order, and that is why I am upset with myself for letting it get me so angry to the point that I was taking it out on someone who doesn’t deserve it. I need to work on being less judgmental and catching/stopping myself when I’m making assumptions. I mean, we all know what they say about assumptions…