Interdependent > Codependent

I read a post this morning on Instagram by an author named Vex King, and I wanted to take a moment to reflect on it:

This post immediately made me think about codependency and what that looked like for me early on. I started dating my current boyfriend at age sixteen, and he was the first person that I ever dated seriously. At the time I was obviously still living with my parents, and since I was a moody teenager and my parents were functioning alcoholics, the environment was less than ideal. There would be nights of loud fights where cops were called and my boyfriend would drive over to pick me up, and he’d just drive around to different towns as I cried and vented about my life. He’d comfort me and listen to me, and I knew I had someone good in my life.

When I look back at that now, I can see how that attachment / codependency was forming, and it continued once we moved in together at 20 years old. I did rely on him to make me feel better, because I got used to him being there. I also know that younger me would not have handled any sort of break up well, as I definitely felt that I needed him in order to survive. I found myself mirroring his moods, and it felt detrimental whenever we had an argument or disagreement, because I was constantly worried about him being upset with me, because I thought that would lead to him leaving me.

I was very insecure and has low self-esteem for most of my life, even if I didn’t always present it that way. I always thought my boyfriend would find a girl who was “less anxious and crazy,” or “more fun to be around,” because I always felt like a burden. Don’t get me wrong, he would constantly reassure me and tell me: “you’re not as bad as you think you are.” That was something I couldn’t understand at the time, but I am forever grateful that he saw the real me inside, behind all of the built up emotions and anxiety.

With therapy and leaning into the self-healing work, I have been able to learn about myself and my brain in ways that has helped me make leaps and bounds when it comes to my self-worth. I no longer feel confused or frustrated with my thoughts, I feel like I finally understand them and why I am the way I am. I can see my strengths when it comes to perseverance and reliability, and I know that I can take care of myself, just as I did before even starting a relationship at sixteen.

Growing up with alcoholic parents does something to your brain. When the brain is developing, it is constantly learning how to adapt to the environment around you, and you learn habits that help you to survive in life. Unconsciously we develop our own habits and coping skills and when we aren’t aware/conscious of them, we take them with us into adulthood.

As a child, I was used to being quiet and trying to keep the peace, and just tried to stay under the radar- that was until puberty and hormones took over. Once I was a raging teenager, the big emotions and anger became a lot for me. What was confusing is that I’d see my parents have these explosive fights with one another, but then when I was angry or upset I was told I was “being dramatic,” or that I shouldn’t feel that way. I was shamed for having big emotions, yet my parents had them all the time!

When I was able to finally leave that environment, I thought all of my problems would disappear. I knew I’d be living with my best friend/life partner and I knew there wouldn’t be excessive drinking or insane fights. Although both of these things were true, my anxiety and mental health issues still came along for the ride. After months of struggling with my emotions and having pointless fits of rage, with the support of my boyfriend I finally decided to get help.

Although it wasn’t the easiest journey, I am forever grateful that I took matters into my own hands and did something for myself. This was the start of my healing, and I only recently have been able to see how far I’ve come. It’s important to take time to recognize and celebrate growth, and in taking time to reflect on this post, that is exactly what I’m doing.

I love life with my boyfriend, and now we live a very interdependent life. We can rely on each other for support and we enjoy helping one another. We no longer live a life where I am just leaning on him and expecting him to solve all of my problems. I know that I am responsible for my own problems and emotions, and he is not required to fix anything. And even though the plan is forever, I at least know that if something ever were to change, I’d survive on my own.

I find it is important in a partnership to truly listen to each others wants/needs, and be respectful, yet honest about what you can do for them. So many people struggle with mental health, and often times will rely on a partner to fix their problems, when they may also have unresolved issues of their own. There is no shame in seeking professional help, especially if it is to benefit your life and your relationship.

I am glad that I had the courage and support to start my healing journey, and I am proud of how I show up in my relationships today. Whether it’s with my boyfriend or with my friends, or even the relationship I have with myself, I remind myself that we are connected, but not attached. Even as great as I feel now, I am not attached to this version of myself, because I know I am an ever-evolving creature who will continue to learn and grow.

Hello June ♡

May June bring nothing but good news and abundance to all who are ready to receive.

May June open your eyes and your heart to the beauty in the simple moments.

May June shower you with love and blessings, and may you be present in those moments.

May June give you the opportunities that you’ve been dreaming about, and may you be confident enough to take the leaps you need to.

May June grant your wishes and restore your faith in the magic of the world around you.

May June be everything you’ve been needing this entire year, and may it set the tone for the rest of the year.

May June July. 😂 LOL okay, I’m sorry but I literally had to!

On a serious note though, I truly hope June is nothing but good to you. ♡

From My Instagram:

took this pic the other day🌙

I always admire how the moon is so beautiful in every single phase, and I do my best to love myself the same way. sometimes I like to isolate myself from the world and hide in the dark, and sometimes I like to shine my light and be loud, but most the time I’m in the middle just finding balance between the two.

I also get excited about angel numbers, mainly because it’s a reminder that I am being present. for a long time I was always overthinking about the future and was worried about being nine steps ahead as an attempt to be “prepared” and to “relieve my anxiety,” but in reality, I was feeding it. you cannot plan the future, no matter how hard you try. things happen unexpectedly, and it’s important that we are not attached to these future plans we have, as that only leads to disappointment and frustration.

putting trust in the timing of the universe and recognizing that you can navigate through any obstacle brings such a sense of empowerment and peace. there’s so much beauty in the here and now, and I never want to take that for granted 🤍✨

Grateful Monday

I didn’t want to start the day on the wrong foot, and that was where I was headed since my cat decided to annoy me starting at 5:45am and ruined my last half hour of sleep. I decided to do a small ten min meditation to calm myself, which I only ended up doing a little over seven minutes but those few minutes honestly made me feel so relaxed.

I am ready for a good week ahead to get me into the three-day weekend! I want to focus on myself and how I am feeling, and just continuing to be vocal about what it is I need. I don’t want to fall back into habits of being a people-pleaser or abandoning myself, which is why it’s important that I am in tune with what I am feeling and I express those feelings when needed.

I am thankful to be awake and have my health on this beautiful, sunny morning. I got to wake up next to the love of my life, I have a reliable vehicle to get me to work which allows me to live my life and also pay my bills. I have clothes on my back and food in the fridge, and (as usual) I am going to treat myself to an iced coffee this morning! I am ready for the day and I am ready to be unapologetically me. Happy Monday!

Appreciating Myself.

I am proud of myself.

I am proud that I can recognize my self-defeating patterns quicker and that my default now is to immediately start seeing what to be grateful for in any moment.

I am proud that I can face the darker parts of me and give them compassion and understanding instead of shoving them away with anger and resentment.

I am proud that I see that I am living the life I have always wanted, and although there is so much more good to look forward to, I am very happy and aware of the precious present moments.

I am proud of the fact that I have a wonderful group of friends who love and support me, and I’m so grateful we can all celebrate our growth and accomplishments together.

I am proud of my patience and my resilience in my own healing / self-love journey; I stay giving myself grace and love every day.

I feel so very blessed today and every day, and I never want to take it for granted.


It’s about to be 6am, and I’m about 95% sure I will fall back asleep after I write this. I’m enjoying this moment as I lay here listening to rain ASMR on youtube while my boyfriend sleeps peacefully next to me. I just put the heating pad under my neck and shoulder as I woke up having my pain again, likely due to stress and lack of movement.

I’ve been so tired the last couple of weeks. I find myself taking naps, such as the three hour one I took yesterday. I also have just been taking it easy as I have had some random nausea and dizziness happening as well. This seems to happen every so often, and to be honest I’m pretty sure all of this happened to me the same time last year as well.

I am going to see an ENT at the end of this week as I want an overall consult. My main issue to discuss would be tonsil stones as I absolutely hate them and honestly would prefer to just have my tonsils removed. I am going to bring up the recent dizziness as well as the fact that I have had motion sickness my entire life. I want to bring up the vertigo I’ve been getting lately as I am wondering if it has to do with my inner ears.

Lately I get so discouraged about going to doctors because they just want to treat symptoms and they don’t ever want to figure out the root issue. It blows my mind that I can be someone who gets these random symptoms where basically my body acts like it’s pregnant, yet no one can tell me why or what I can do to prevent it; instead they shove nausea pills at me and tell me to rest. That’s why I haven’t even gone for these current dizzy/nausea spells… I already know how it goes.

For now I have just been resting on my own and staying hydrated. I do my best to listen to my body, and right now my body wants me to close my eyes again, so back to sleep I go.

It’s the way…

It’s the way I’ve changed the inner narrative. I’m not stupid, nor have I ever been. I am growing and learning, just as every human is. Instead of being hard on myself, I learn to give myself patience and understanding.

It’s the way I practice gratitude. I’ve never been ungrateful, but I often was not present, therefore I was not as appreciative. Taking time to acknowledge what is good in my life is grounding and brings me back to the present moment.

It’s the way I am becoming more patient. All happens as it should and it it’s own timing, therefore stressing about outcomes and time is pointless. I do my best to let it go and focus on good that’s here now.

It’s the way I am better at communicating. I am learning how to speak up when I am uncomfortable or upset, and also still listen to whoever it is I am speaking with. I deserve inner peace, and I no longer have room for resentment.

It’s the way I take time to prioritize myself. I give myself time to recharge and spend time relaxing, rather than packing my schedule. I understand how rest is a necessity and depriving myself from it is not healthy, nor is it something to celebrate.

It’s the way that I have stepped out of my comfort zone. Joining a writing community, being on my first podcast, speaking on a virtual mental health panel… I am really taking steps towards my dreams, and I love that for me.

It’s the way I am choosing to celebrate myself and acknowledge my growth. I am proud of the work I have put in and continue to put in, and I am excited to see the progress I’ve made.

It’s the way that I still get lost scrolling through Instagram and have days where I feel overwhelmed. I still get defensive and struggle to communicate at times. It’s the way that I still have things I need to work on, but I am giving myself permission to take it one day at a time, and I am loving myself along the way. ♡

Thought Blurb

I want to be nice and spread love and light, until I am getting attention I don’t want. I don’t want special treatment, I don’t want people to become obsessive over me, I don’t want to feel like I have to now shut down my love and light in order to get that person away from me. Am I too attached to their perception? Or do I feel fake if I am being kind when I don’t want to be someone’s friend? Just because I care for others does not mean I want to be everyone’s friend. Just because I am kind does not mean I want to hang out. If I set that boundary, and it is not respected, what is next? Of course it’s easier when it’s an actual friend you’re dealing with, because you can distance yourself or whatever… but what if this is in a work environment? What if I cannot escape this person and I can feel my negativity bubbling under the surface when I’m around them? What if it’s because when I am nice they start to think we’re friends? I guess that is her problem considering I have made it very clear and said “I’d like to just keep this a work relationship.” Maybe that wasn’t direct enough? Neither are my constant declines of her invites. Or me clearly sharing less and less of my life with her? I felt guilty because I was too kind at first and didn’t know who this person was, but I also do see how she can be my indicator to do more shadow work.

I hate that she cares so much about me and what I am doing and won’t mind her own business- I used to be that way. I called it “being an empath” and I’d obsess over everyone else and their lives, and it wasn’t until I started doing the work and realizing I was abandoning myself that I was able to make these changes. I was always trying to appease everyone else and be super nice to avoid confrontation, and I can see that coming off of her as well. I am doing what I used to do by letting her change my attitude and being so negative… I have to let go of caring what she thinks of me or this so-called relationship she seems to need from me. I can only stay firm in my boundary, I do not have to be anyone’s friend, and like I said before, I can still be kind. I can’t let others dim my light, and I cannot help what they interpret things as, I can only be direct and set my boundaries.

Dream Life

Just thinking about how I dreamt of the days that my boyfriend and I would wake up next to each other each day and do life together. I always imagined us laughing a lot and always feeling in love every day, the way we felt then in the beginning. I dreamt of having cats and having a garage and being able to pay our bills and still go out when we wanted to… I dreamt of the very life that I have today, and I never want to take that for granted.

What we focus on becomes our life. If I am constantly complaining about something or always annoyed by someone, I am wasting time and energy on the very things that I am bothered by. If I feel uncomfortable or disrespected in any manner, then it is up to me to speak up about my feelings to the people who can make a difference; harboring anger and building resentment will only prevent my growth. Setting boundaries is important and I refuse to make myself small in order to keep others comfortable- I don’t deserve that. I’d rather focus on all of the good in my life and what I am grateful for, as that will help me to succeed.

I am done treating myself like I don’t matter, like my opinions aren’t just as important as anyone else’s. I am done worrying about if someone is going to think I am “rude” for speaking up for myself. I know my intentions, and I know that I care about other people. I also know how that can be a weakness in some regard, so I am making sure I am aware and I set appropriate boundaries. Instead of focusing on the outcome or how someone will respond, I will focus on what the goal is and my intentions behind it.

I enjoy the life I have, and am grateful for the wonderful people I have supporting me and loving me along the way- now I am choosing to also become one of those supportive people for myself. I am cheering myself on every step of the way, and I am so proud of the work I’ve done and how much I’ve learned on this healing journey. I have plenty more work to do, but I am excited to continue to learn and grow in this life.

Proud of Me

I wanted to take a second to pat myself on the back. I spoke up about something that was bothering me at work and felt a huge relief once it was done. I don’t want to go too much into detail as there’s definitely elements that I am still irritated with, however I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me. I feel like this was a big step forward in my healing and me recognizing when enough is enough and listening to my body/intuition.

After been super stressed over the past week, I was happy I had some time this weekend to spend with friends, but also with myself. This morning I was up pretty early and I decided to get caught up on the free “Take Control” training that Mel Robbins released a couple weeks ago. I finished the training and felt energized and better than I had felt all week. I even decided to use my extra time alone to do a little dumbbell arm workout and a meditation! It’s nice to remind myself how good it feels to take care of me.

As we stroll into May, I want to prioritize seeking joy in every day life, and also being true to myself. I am finally feeling like I can be more vocal, especially since I know what my intentions are. I do myself a disservice by not speaking up when I feel disrespected or uncomfortable, and I don’t deserve that anymore. Reflecting on the amount of relief I felt when I finally talked to my boss last week, it made me realize it never had to go on this long. Instead of beating myself up for that, I am just going to remember that going forward. I don’t deserve to suffer in order to keep others comfortable, my job is to keep myself safe.