Pushing through

I know I haven’t been on here, and it has been upsetting me that I missed a couple Sunday’s and barely wrote two sentences in my last post. I have things to talk about, but also don’t always want everything to be written out or posted somewhere, even though this is my place to be the most open and personal.

A couple weekends ago I had a breakdown, but it was also a breakthrough. It has made me motivated to work on certain issues from my childhood I have been avoiding, but also it has been overwhelming. I have issues with feeling guilty, and I have control issues and these things are causing a lot of my anxieties and I have to get to the root of those feelings in order to deal with them.

I often complain about “arguing with myself in my brain,” but I’m basically arguing with my childhood brain-the brain that endured emotional abuse. I am arguing with voices that my traumatized brain held onto, if that makes any sense. As a child and into my teenage years, I was made to feel guilty or stupid for anything I did, even though I was a goody-two-shoes of a child and literally didn’t do anything wrong.

I constantly felt like I wasn’t trusted, even though I never did anything that was untrustworthy. When I look back, I really wonder why I didn’t rebel because I was already treated like I was breaking rules and being a bad kid. It’s probably because the chaos was already bad enough, and I didn’t want to find out if it could get worse. I often tried to stay out of my house, whether it was being outside with friends as a child, to getting multiple jobs as a teenager so I could escape.

When triggers come up, my anxiety heightens and I tend to turn into an asshole. I become so irritable and short-tempered, and I also start letting my fears of the unknown take over. I had some anxiety yesterday before work and instead of the nausea and throwing up, I was feeling like I was going to hyperventilate and I started crying. I had this overwhelming sense that something was wrong, but nothing was.

I am going to continue to write on here, as I feel this is helpful for me and I want to be consistent with my blog. I also feel that typing on my laptop is easier, and maybe I will make this a habit again instead of doing it on my phone. Thank you to all who read this.

I don’t know

I didn’t post last week. I have been somewhat busy, but also somewhat lazy. I don’t know exactly what it is, but today I feel like I’m just PMSing. I may start writing during the week instead, maybe Mondays? I’m exhausted from this weekend and am just gonna lay in bed watching youtube.

Calm and content.

Well it’s Tuesday at 11:08pm and I just remembered that I still hadn’t posted here yet. I’d like to say I’ve been busy and motivated, which I guess is somewhat true, but also I feel like I haven’t been doing anything. I mean I’ve been working and then just hanging with my boyfriend. We did grab lunch with a couple friends on Sunday which was nice.

I’ve been enjoying my time with my boyfriend, and we actually went looking at rings over the weekend to give him some ideas (his suggestion)! I am so happy to be spending my life with him, and although I’m excited for the proposal, I don’t want to know anything about it. I don’t care where it is, who is there, if it’s photographed or not… I just want it to be a surprise.

He had asked me recently if I wanted the proposal to be in front of people or if I wanted it to be just us and I told him I didn’t care. I honestly feel like it being just us makes the most sense, I mean we are each other’s best friend and it’s always just us two, but again I won’t care either way.

I’ve kind of enjoyed just slowing down a bit this past week and moving into this week. It gives me time to appreciate things a bit more as I feel like I can take time to observe and take everything in. I am seeing my therapist this Friday and I honestly am excited, because I feel like I’m in a good headspace so we can start digging into more parts of my brain.

I’m getting tired as I type this, so I’ll close this off. I honestly was planning to write more, but I didn’t even make my weekly Sunday post this week sooooo no promises.

I’m not getting vaccinated (yet)

There seems to be some stigma going around those who aren’t getting the Covid-19 vaccine. I’ve seen posts on social media of people making fun of those who aren’t getting it saying things like: “people aren’t getting the vaccine because they don’t know what’s in it but then go eat hot dog” or “so glad I got my vaccine, I can’t even feel the chip!” and so on and so forth.

Honestly, I have a sense of humor so I find these to be funny, but I also am aware that because I am not vaccinated and am choosing to wait longer that people will judge me for it. I honestly don’t care that people are judging me or making assumptions about be, but I do know that not all others are comfortable in speaking up about not getting the vaccine. I wish people would just remember that we’re all individuals with our own rights to our bodies and we as adults can make these decisions for ourselves.

For myself personally, I do not feel comfortable getting the vaccine just yet. I am young and healthy, and have been blessed to not be severely affected by Covid-19 this past year. I am aware this is NOT the case for everyone, and that there have been deaths because of this virus, but again I have to make the choice for me, and I can do so based on my experience even though it hasn’t been the same experience for everyone. I also wear my mask in public, and if I were to ever get covid I would follow guidelines and quarantine because I know everyone reacts so differently to the virus.

This vaccine is very new and the most effective ones use mRNA, which is different than all of the other vaccines I’ve had before. According to studies and science, it is rare to have adverse reactions and there is no concern about future fertility problems, but just like the virus, everyone’s body reacts differently. Please also keep in mind I haven’t had an annual flu shot in at least ten years simply because I don’t find it necessary in my current state of health. I also didn’t get the HPV vaccine when that was new and still refuse to get it as I know someone who’s sister became paralyzed shortly after receiving it.

I want to mention that I have not attempted to have children yet, and have always had this fear that I may have fertility problems. I know that the CDC website says there’s no evidence to show the vaccine would have any effect on future fertility, but it would be difficult for me if I were infertile and they couldn’t explain why, because I’d always have it in the back of my mind “was it because I got the vaccine?” “did I do this?” I know that being young and healthy, I’d have extremely high chances of surviving covid, and for me I’d rather take the risk of getting Covid than the vaccine (at least at this point in time).

Now, I am not saying I will never get the covid vaccine, but I would like to wait a bit longer to see more data. I recently came across an article about how Pfizer was sued for $2.3mil in 2009 for basically not adequately reporting the adverse reactions of medications to the FDA. In high school I also did a project on anti-depressants and learned a lot about the FDA and how they’ve let tens and thousands of people die from “approved” medications before taking it off the market years later. I don’t think it’s crazy to want to wait longer than a few months to see how people react to the different vaccines.

I will never discourage anyone from getting the vaccine. I totally understand why people are getting it, and am so happy for my friends who are excited to get it! I feel like we all have our own choices as adults, and people should be more open to conversation about why people are choosing to wait to get vaccinated. If you don’t want to hang out with me because I’m not vaccinated, that’s literally fine with me! I truly just don’t like the idea of people being shamed for not getting vaccinated, and I don’t like seeing the media use fear tactics to convince someone to get the vaccine; we are all free to make our own choices.

Motivated and mindful

I’ve been feeling very motivated this past week. I’ve been more mindful of what I’m eating and my physical activity levels, and it’s already making such a difference! I’m not going on runs or to the gym or anything just yet, but getting back into walks and at home workouts.

I have really been trying to focus on myself and improving myself both mentally and physically. One thing I am struggling with though is this constant battle of feeling selfish, and feeling like I’m being an assh*le to my friends and family.

The thing is I’m a super low-maintenance person, which isn’t good nor bad but it definitely differs from a lot of my friends/family. Not to say everyone else is high-maintenance, but when I tell you I’m low maintanence it’s like I never want or need anything from anyone. I rarely ask for help or favors, and if I do it’s probably from my boyfriend as we are each other’s biggest support systems.

I have gotten better at saying no to people, but I hate feeling guilty about it – and people seem to love to make me feel that way. I recently said no to a couple family things and I feel like it may cause some tension, but at the same time I can’t be spreading myself so thin and this has been just a super busy year (and last year).

I was in a wedding in November, one in March, and now I’m in another one this coming July; not to mention I started a management job at the end of January and which was a large transition in itself. I also recently had health issues that are thankfully resolved (for now?), but excuse me if I need to take some time for myself. I can’t feel bad about it; I refuse to.

Hope this feeling stays

This weekend I’ve been feeling very motivated. I did wedding crafts with a friend and we got so much done! We even were able to sneak in a nail appointment and she made me get back on tik tok LOL. Honestly though, learning those dances is a work out.

Speaking of which, I started adding in little workouts to my schedule these past few days. Nothing intense, but I do want to lose some weight/gain some muscle over the next few months so I’m going to be watching what I’m eating more and making sure I’m getting active!

Today I got a lot done around the house, and my friend came by to pick up a project that my other friend and I collaborated on for her! The best part was when she sent me the money on Venmo, I realized I never transferred previous money to my account so I ended up having an extra $100 I didn’t know I had (which will definitely help for this upcoming tattoo appointment in a couple weeks).

Anyways, I’m really trying to keep myself motivated and keep my head up! I have to start dedicating time to myself and my health, now that I’m finally feeling better!

Feeling better

I am finally starting to feel normal again. This morning I had a follow up appointment with my PCP and she prescribed omeprazole to help with my symptoms, so I’m hoping this helps as well and everything goes away.

This is going to be a productive week at work as we only have patients coming in on Friday, so we get to play catch up on claims and billing which is much needed! This office had some less than competent people up front for the past several months, so there is plenty to clean up!

It is so satisfying to get messes fixed and organize the office. I can’t wait to get everything exactly how I want it and continue to bring in new patients to the practice. For this week I am planning to get off around 3-4pm every day, so I will be working on crafting projects and exercising.

I have to continue to work on myself and I have to stop all of the self-loathing. I broke down on Saturday, because I just was feeling like I was ruining everyone’s plans and I was constantly forgetting things. After talking to my boyfriend, we came to the conclusion I have spread myself too thin with work/friends(weddings).

With my hands in too many things, I can’t be giving 100% to everything, and that makes me more upset because I have pretty high expectations of myself. I have to take a step back and think things through before I’m saying “yes!” to everyone and ask myself if it’s something I can actually handle taking on. Boundaries are important, and they only work if you enforce them.

Not having a great time

I’m still having issues with my health; random nausea and this morning I was having random sharp cramping. I can’t remember if I said but mother nature finally made her appearance 13 days late, which was a relief in a way, but also it’s sounding like my next step might be a GI doctor.

I have a follow up appointment on Monday at 8am, but it has to be Telehealth since I’ve been vomiting (even with my negative covid test). I feel like they’re just going to tell me go to the GI doctor; honestly I do have a fear of being diagnosed with Crohn’s disease. But I do need to take care of myself, so I will listen to what the doctor says on Monday.

I’ve been having a rough mental health day/week. Today I was bawling my eyes out in the car with my boyfriend because I feel like I’m constantly ruining everyone’s plans. My best friend got married yesterday and the plan was for everyone to go to the bar after the dinner, and unfortunately I felt like garbage after dinner and a couple drinks so I went home after dinner.

I felt terrible about that and then I also ruined planed with another friend today. She was supposed to come over with a couple other people for wedding crafts, and I forgot that my boyfriend wanted to go see a car that was an hour away from home, which messed up the plans. Then we also forgot that we had an appointment at 2pm for someone to come out and measure for our windows to be replaced, but luckily we made it back in time.

The other thing was my boyfriend had an appointment to see that car at 12pm, and his brother stayed over last night and we wanted breakfast this morning. When we went to breakfast it took a little longer than normal because it was busy, and then we were late to the 12pm by almost an hour. When we got there, we were told they just sold that car five minutes prior. So then I felt even more like shit.

I just haven’t been myself and I’ve been super stressed and I feel like I’ve been holding a lot in that I just need to let out. I’m so annoyed and frustrated with myself, but my boyfriend was saying how he gets so upset when I’m so hard on myself and how he wasn’t even upset with me or anything. I just have been completely out of it lately with everything going on with my health too.

Anyways, I’m just so exhausted and I’m really needing to just push through this shit. Tomorrow is going to be sunny and 60 degrees, so I need to make sure I go on a walk. I also am going to grocery shop and get some healthy options, as I need to start treating my body better. I’m excited to spend the rest of the day just relaxing and spending time with my boyfriend. I’m ready to start feeling better and feeling more like myself.

More labs and a CT scan later

Still no answers. I look healthy as a horse, and am very much NOT pregnant as I have already known, but there’s still no answer as to why I’ve had all of these symptoms, including vomiting everyday (yes, today as well) for the past five days.

This morning I had some spotting and a constant ache on my right side/lower back. I decided to finally listen to my friends and go to the hospital for some testing just due to all of the other symptoms I’ve had. I had a urine and blood test immediately and was taken back to a room shortly after. The Dr. came in and said she wanted to do a CT due to the pain I was having,

I was in the hospital for about four hours total; this was my first time having a CT scan and I did not like it very much. When they had to push the contrast dye into the IV I felt so nauseated I thought I was going to throw up and pass out in that machine. Luckily that was not the case, and the results came back pretty quickly showing no abnormalities.

The Dr. sent me home with some zofran for nausea and told me they’d send my blood out for a thyroid test, but other than that they had no answers. I was very upset, but I didn’t let her know that. I just cried once I left and got to the car. It’s just so frustrating not knowing what’s wrong, but not only that, I now feel like I do know the answer: it’s me. I’m so stressed and anxious that I make myself physically ill. It’s happening again, even though mentally I don’t even feel as stressed as I have been.

To be fair, I don’t know 100% if that’s the case and it could also be terrible PMS at this point, but I truly feel defeated at this point. I’m just going to rest and go to work tomorrow with my nausea medication and move on with life.

Still no answers

I got a rapid covid test this morning just to rule it out since I still don’t know what’s wrong – $175.00 later and it’s negative! This is good but also in a way I was almost like well if it’s positive it all kinda makes sense? But I am glad I do not have covid,

At this point I am welcome any and all opinions / medical advice on what may be going on with me- I will list my symptoms below:

-fatigue that began last wedneday (falling asleep driving to work, completely exhausted and ready for bed by 8:30 every night, no motivation to do anything)

-late period by 12 days- normally I am regular, but have had multiple negative pregnancy tests including a blood hcg

-nausea & puking in the mornings (started this past wednesday)

-lower back pain (started 2-3 days ago, worsening)

-burping a lot

-diarrhea (only for one day- other days lots of movements in morning)

-random dull ache lower abdomen – not consistent cramping though

-headaches (started last night, have one today)

Again, any help is appreciated.