Gloomy

It’s just a grey day and it’s making me feel so tired. Luckily I was very productive this morning when I initially got up around 8:30am. Once I finished chores and making myself some breakfast I went back to bed and took a 2.5 hour nap.

I still need to go to the store today but my boyfriend is going with me and right now he’s playing video games so I’m just relaxing for now. The only issue is I feel like I could literally take another nap. I hate winter for this very reason.

I have fun plans these next coming weekends so I’m trying to stay focused on that and hopefully that will get me through the weeks. It blows my mind that it still technically isn’t even winter yet, and that also scares me because I feel like I’m already struggling.

Okay, maybe I am going to set an alarm for 30 min and take a quick nap, because my eyelids are so heavy right now. ♡

Train ride

I’m on the train to Chicago to meet up with one of my best friends for a city adventure day! We’re pretty much playing it by ear, but I’m sure we’ll end up at the new huge Starbucks that recently opened at some point today. I’m excited to be out and having a good time for the weekend; I think I deserve it after working 50+ hours this week.

Work has been stressful, yet also manageable at the same time. I’m having an internal battle with myself when it comes to the hours I’m currently working. One one hand, it’s great that I’m there open to close every day because then I know nothing is getting messed up, but if I want this to be my long-term job, I’m not going to want to work like this all the time. I’m already exhausted as it is, and I don’t want to burn out and quit because I know that this is a great place to stay.

I get paid well at my job and have plenty of flexibility/freedom. Not only does the doctor I work for let me take off whenever I want, but she has a house in Hawaii and she’s always encouraging her employees to just to find some time to take a week off and go stay at her place. I want to do that so bad, but also can’t afford a flight right now. Not only that, but I have plans to visit friends in far places come 2020 so I’m already going to be paying for multiple flights.

I’ve been really focusing on the blessings in my life. I feel that I cannot complain or be upset when I’m seeing the people around me in such shitty situations. I hate when my friends are struggling and when I can’t do much to help. Selfishly, I also hate how much I’m still letting their lives affect mine- which is why I’ve been trying to focus on the positive aspects of my life and life in general. I’m tired of being stressed and upset over things that don’t even directly have an effect on my life.

Luckily today I am spending the day with a drama-free, smart, responsible, adventurous friend! That is what I need in my life and whenever we hang out, even if it’s just chilling in her living room, it’s always a great time. We’re always laughing and encouraging each other to keep staying strong and being positive in life. It’s important to spend time with people who genuinely care about you and who don’t add stress to your life. ♡

December ❆

This December my goal is to stay in the holiday spirit! I’m wanting to spread cheer and good energy, even when the world is being negative. I feel like people are so stressed around the holidays, when these are the times we need to enjoy.

My idea of holiday spirit starts in the home, with Christmas lights and decorations. We unfortunately do not have a tree, and that is because our cats will destroy it within five minutes of it being up. I do, however, hang Christmas lights up over the windows and usually some snow flake decor.

If simple things like Christmas candles and lights can make you smile, why not surround yourself with them! I also love the special holiday drinks that are available! My go-to drinks are the Chestnut Praline Latte from Starbucks and the Frosted White Chocolate Latte from Dunkin’. The only issue is they’re packed with sugar and calories, but that’s why I don’t treat myself to them every day (and luckily they’re only seasonal).

My boyfriend and I are throwing an ugly christmas sweater party this year and I’m honestly really looking forward to it. We’re going to have a hot chocolate bar and holiday themed snacks! I also want to make a holiday cranberry champagne thing I saw on Pinterest. I already have my list of food and items I need for the party, and then a separate list for gifts that I need.

My parents and I decided not to do gifts this year, which honestly I’m thrilled about. More money in my pocket!! (Lol kidding, more gifts for other people). My boyfriend and I also decided no gifts but we are just getting things for the house, which I love! I have a select few people I want to give gifts to and I am going to make individualized christmas gift baskets for each of them. Then I just have a couple babies to buy for and a four-year-old (aka the fun gifts!)

Making lists and planning ahead really keeps my anxiety down and I think this is going to help me make it through December with minimal winter blues. If anyone has any suggestions or wants to share their plans for this December, please do! ♡

Actual Thanksgiving

I’m thankful for many things in my life. For one, I am very thankful for my boyfriend. This man loves me unconditionally, truly believes I’m the most gorgeous woman on this planet, and he is hard-working and ambitious. He has stuck around for over eight years; helping me through panic attacks and depressive episodes and never making me feel that I am defined by my mental illnesses.

I am also very thankful for my friends. I have friends who are great mothers. I have friends who are adventurous and exciting. I have friends who like to just chill and talk about anything. Most importantly, all of these friends are supportive and care about me. For that, I am forever grateful.

I am thankful to be a cat mom of three beautiful, black fur babies. People who think black cats are bad luck and evil are completely wrong, as my babies are so sweet and cuddly. Although Mushu can be hyper and crazy at times, she still loves snuggling at the end of the day.

I’m thankful for my family, and that I still have many of my family members around. I’m especially thankful for my mom, who loves and supports me 24/7, and also takes my after work phone call every day. I’m thankful for my aunts and grandma and my cousins, even if I don’t get to see them often.

Although I can recognize all of these wonderful aspects of my life, today I still feel off. I feel like nothing. I don’t know how else to explain it. I’m not angry or depressed, I’m not excited or happy; I really just want to be laying in bed doing nothing. I feel myself having no motivation these last few days and it’s making me upset with myself. I told myself I could fight the seasonal depression and that it’s all in my head, but I was wrong. No, I’m not giving up, more-so I’m just accepting the fact that it is real and it is something I struggle with.

I want to keep trying to visit people and make myself productive, but I’m also so exhausted by life. I’m exhausted by the darkness and the grey skies. I’m exhausted at work and exhausted at home. I don’t want to do anything. But hey, at least I’m writing. ♡

Thanksgiving

I don’t like Thanksgiving. I never really have, and I don’t feel bad saying or feeling this way. I feel happy for those who enjoy the holiday, I just don’t happen to be one of those people. The food isn’t my favorite, getting together with my family isn’t exactly my favorite either. I don’t know… I just really don’t like it. I feel blessed and thankful every day of my life, and I don’t think me not liking the holiday makes me a shitty person.

I’m not exactly feeling right. I don’t want to say I feel depressed, but I just don’t feel as energetic and motivated as usual. Yesterday, I organized the cabinets under the bathroom sinks and I felt really accomplished after that. I also did my laundry yesterday and the dishes. I went to the grocery store today and it’s my day to relax, but instead my brain is running a million miles a minute.

One of my good friends is going through a lot right now, and I feel bad that I’m not around to help. At the same time though, I feel like if I were around it wouldn’t be good for me because I get too involved and literally forget about myself and my feelings. I know that I will start to feel what she’s feeling, and I don’t think I can do that right now. I’m trying hard to work on myself. I’m trying to remind her how strong she is on her own and that she doesn’t need shit people in her life. I want to help, but also have to do so at a healthy distance.

I’m also already really annoyed by my family Christmas plans. We had a whole group chat exchange today about the Christmas get-together date that was literally just a bunch of pointless sass just to end up picking the same day we had originally picked. I’m also annoyed that we revolve everything around the people who aren’t even technically family, but whatever.

I’m really looking forward to everyone asking me where my boyfriend is at the Christmas event like they do every year. (BTW that was complete sarcasm in case you couldn’t tell). Literally it’s always the same answer, but they ask like I’m going to have some new reason. Honestly, I don’t even want to be there. I like visiting family members one on one, but when we get together as a big group it makes me anxious and someone always ends up bickering. Overall, it’s just not that great of a time to me.

I am thankful that I have family members around and in my life, but I can only handle them in small doses. And, again, I’d rather hang out with one or two family members at a time than all of them at once. I’m annoyed with myself for feeling so shitty around the holidays. Christmas eve should be fun because my best friend is moving back in town and we’re going to start Christmas Eve traditions together with her son!

I can’t wait (and also totally can) for when my boyfriend and I have our own family in the future and have our own holiday traditions. Right now I just want to buy a bunch of cute stuff for our house and make it all festive. I want a white/grey area rug and an electric fireplace that we can mount on the wall. We also want a new bed though and a new TV. I keep spending a bunch of money though so I’m trying to stop myself from doing that.

I feel like I keep spending money and I really need to stop. My credit card is so high from the cruise and then my new tattoos. But also I just want to get new stuff for the house so when I’m busy hibernating this winter I’ll at least enjoy my surroundings. Not that I don’t already, but there’s so much I want to do to our house. I keep thinking about going to Walmart and looking at desks and area rugs, but I’m also lazy as hell and don’t feel like putting a bra back on. I was almost too lazy to write on this today but I don’t want to let myself down because I’ve been very consistent with posting every Sunday. At least I did that today, despite how weird I’ve been feeling.

Today I got myself my favorite holiday drink from Starbucks, and I turned on the Christmas lights hanging in my living room. Honestly, just those small touches of Christmas really made me feel better. ♡

tired, stressed and blessed.

Yesterday I got a couple of awesome tattoos on my left arm, as I’m working on my sleeve. I should only need two to three more sessions until my arm is done! I absolutely love getting tattoos, and I’m happy that I booked this appointment six weeks ago because I definitely my needed some ink therapy after this shit week.

I’m also happy I had an actual therapy session on Friday after work. Honestly, I did have a nice weekend as I got to visit one of my best friends and her baby girl (aka my goddaughter ♡). We had a fun night out and it was so awesome to see her little one walking and basically talking! I did get my first speeding ticket on the way there, but I honestly laughed it off because this week was absolute shit and it’s just hilarious to me that of course I’d also start the weekend off with a speeding ticket.

Every day this week at work something had to go wrong. Whether it was an angry patient, or an internet outage, it never seemed to end. I felt like I was drowning all week in work and I have just been overly exhausted. To be fair I did just get over a terrible sinus infection, but I feel like the time change really messed with me this year.

Literally on Monday night I was laying in bed with my boyfriend and I felt myself falling asleep. I looked up at him and asked him what time it was and he responded: “7:50pm.” I was like “wait what?? I can’t sleep right now, it’s so early!” Next thing I knew I closed my eyes and woke up again at 10:00pm and then just slept for the rest of the night until my 6:30am alarm on Tuesday. It was only the beginning of the week and I was already exhausted.

In the middle of the week I got starbucks with a friend who I haven’t seen in a while. I always love getting to see her and I’m so proud of the life she is making for herself. I feel like it’s good to surround yourself with responsible, caring people; and she is exactly that. I was of course tired and usually avoid going out during the work week, but she had a couple days off and we don’t really get many opportunities to see each other.

I won’t lie, I feel like I might be slipping a little into my seasonal depression. I feel exhausted and I don’t really want to do anything, even though I’m forcing myself to. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy seeing my friends and spending time with positive people, but sometimes I’d rather just be laying in my hammock or in my bed watching mindless television. I know it’s not good for me or productive, but I feel myself losing my energy and desire to leave the house. I’m trying to not focus on it and just keep making plans to keep myself going. Fake it ’til you make it, right?

I keep spending money that I don’t exactly have, but at the same time money always comes and goes. I deserve to treat myself and am generally responsible with my money. My credit card balance is a little high due to that recent vacation, as well as these new tattoos, but I know I’ll be able to pay a big chunk of it with my next paycheck. As long as I am able to pay my bills, I should be able to treat myself. Some part of me feels oddly guilty, or irresponsible and I can’t really understand it.

My therapist and I talked about guilt in our last session, and she said that no one can make you feel guilty unless you accept the guilt. She also admitted this is something she still has to work on. I often stayed at jobs longer than I should have because I felt guilty for leaving and making other people’s jobs harder. I have family members who love to try to make me feel guilty for hanging out with my friends more than with them. But if I am happy with the choices I’m making, I shouldn’t feel guilty. It seems I struggle most with making myself feel guilty for doing nice things for myself. I’m hoping to work on this and get over it.

Well it’s only 6:47pm, but I’m tired as fuck. I want to try to start editing videos for my future youtube channel that my boyfriend and I will be doing. I am going to start looking at different apps or see if I’d rather do them on my laptop. Not sure if I’ll start editing any tonight because I could literally fall asleep right now, but I’m going to start looking into what apps to use.

This week will be a better week than this past one. I meant it better be, because if it’s any worse I’ll probably have a mental breakdown and buy a plane ticket to somewhere warm with nice beaches. Honestly, I guess that doesn’t sound too bad haha. Well anyways, take a look at my new ink.

Ehh

I had a good weekend, full of visiting good people and getting out of the house… yet today I just feel kind of down. Not like I can’t do anything, but I just don’t feel motivated and I’m exhausted.
Luckily yesterday I had a burst of energy that allowed me to put away all of my laundry instead of letting it pile up. This time change/getting dark early shit really messed with me this year. It doesn’t help that it’s really cold outside already.
I am getting more tattoos this upcoming weekend which is exciting, and the weekend after that I’m hoping to go out to Iowa to visit one of my best friends and my goddaughter who recently turned one. I’m just trying to keep making plans so I don’t fall into a depressive slump. ♡