Perks

I’m trying to teach my brain to focus on the positive aspects of my job and not the negative/stressful parts. I know that anywhere I work will have its share of stress and shit to deal with, in which case I should be focusing on the benefits I receive from doing this job.

I don’t think I’ve really dove into what I do for work, but I manage a dental practice (two offices). I used to work in dental about five years ago and am very familiar with the healthcare field since I was just at a dermatology practice for almost three years. I definitely add value to this office and everyone I work with makes sure to tell me, which I appreciate.

The reason it’s so stressful is because the doctor I am working for hasn’t had an office manager for the past ten years, and on top of that all of the front desk staff wasn’t calling on insurance claims, getting patients insurance information, demographic information… you know, all the common sense stuff that you get in a healthcare practice! Needless to say, I walked into a literal clusterfuck.

As those of you have read in previous posts, I am very hard on myself. In the beginning of this job I kept telling myself that after a year the office would be running smoothly and it would be a walk in the park… well I was VERY wrong and of course am upset with myself about it. What I fail to acknowledge is the fact that I had basically zero training at this job, there were about seven people who came and went within my first six months of working there, we see upwards of 25+ patients a day and also the phones don’t stop ringing.

I am the person who checks patients in and out, answers the phones, schedules patients, calls on claims, sends out claims, sends dental records, coordinates referring patients to specialists, billing, etc. I do it all. This is why I’m so overwhelmed, but it’s also why the office isn’t where I want it to be at this point. I am doing too much and there’s barely any time to breathe, let alone fix the past four years of chaos that went on in the office.

Alright I realize I said I was going to talk about the perks and focus on the positives, but I feel like I need to explain the work load and why I have trouble remembering the good things. Something that the doctor I work for did for us last week was she paid for us to have a private pilates lesson; not only that but after the session she signed us up for another one for the end of this week! She wanted to get back into pilates and she thought we could all use a nice stress relief, and it’s great to work for someone who genuinely cares about their employees.

Another great thing is she has a house in Hawaii, and she lets her employees go stay there for free! Well we obviously pay for the airfare, but we have a house to stay in! My boyfriend and I will be taking advantage of that in October. I can also basically take off whenever I want to as long as I give enough notice! I get paid well, I’m not salary so I still get paid overtime, and for Christmas she gave me $400 in AMEX gift cards.

Overall, there are definitely great benefits from being at this job. I have no plans to leave, I know I can get this office where it needs to be. I just need to remind myself that good things take time, and I am doing my best. I feel like reminding myself of the good will keep me motivated and more positive. ♡

I don’t like my brain sometimes.

I don’t like my brain sometimes… well, it seems often lately. I have racing thoughts a lot as of recent and no matter how much I try to push away the negative ones, they keep coming back. It’s mainly work stress/anxiety, but I want to be able to keep work at work and not let it mess with my head. The problem is I’m very overwhelmed as I’m doing the job of at least 2-3 people, but I also have extremely high expectations of myself and am struggling with the fact that I am so stressed.

I’ve made a couple mistakes at work- nothing detrimental but still, mistakes. When I mess up, it takes me such a long time to forgive myself and get over it, even though I am a human being who is bound to make errors. Literally everyone I work with (including my boss) tell me how great I’m doing, but no matter how many times I hear it my self-doubt always seems to creep back into my mind and I let it take over.

Today, I told my boss that I had recently increased my anxiety meds (because we were talking about flu symptoms and nausea and I think my increased dose is making me nauseous), and she asked me why I was feeling anxious. I was honest and told her that I’m way harder on myself than anyone is ever with me and I keep worrying that I’m not doing a good job. She was sympathetic and also reassured me that I’m not as terrible as I think I am because she told me that I am doing an excellent job.

I’ve always been a people pleaser, but even with the external reassurance and praise I am not pleased with myself. I don’t understand why it’s so easy for me to forgive people when they make a mistake, but when I make one I can’t help but constantly obsess over it. Luckily I will be seeing my therapist in a couple weeks (thanks to the connection I have with the scheduler there- otherwise my next appointment wasn’t until April). I also have ink therapy this weekend which is always a nice treat after a stressful week. ♡

Busy

I’ve been staying busy on the weekends, which has its pros and cons. I love seeing my friends and making new memories, but I am usually missing my boyfriend and feeling guilty for being away knowing that he’s going to be gone for basically a month. I know he isn’t bothered by me having plans with other people- I mean he also has other plans and enjoys playing video games without his girlfriend breathing down his neck (LOL)!

Today we both got a good workout in and we ended up going out to lunch and donating a bunch of clothes. I love doing productive things over the weekend; I always feel like I’m successfully adulting when I’m able to declutter and take care of things around the house. Tomorrow he is off of work and I should hopefully be off early(ish) so we’re going to hang up the new curtains that we bought! When we moved in, we said that we wanted to get rid of the blinds and get curtains… literally three years later and we are just now putting up curtains. Better late than never, right?

I need to sign up for another yoga class. I told myself that I would go once a month and we’re already over halfway done with February! I feel like this year is already flying by and it’s honestly stressing me out. I wanted the office that I work for to be in a better place at this point, but I have to remember that I’m just one person and I’m doing the best that I can. I work hard, I do well, and I am only human.

I’m ready for a good week this week- I have a feeling tomorrow will be a good day. Maybe it’s because my boyfriend and I are putting curtains up after work, but regardless of the reason I want to try to keep up the positive mindset and carry it through this week! ♡

Good weekend, good week (hopefully)

(Edit: I fell asleep before I finished this yesterday)

I spent the weekend with good company, and I also still made it to the gym, the grocery store, did laundry and cleaned out my closet! Friday night a couple of my friends stayed over; we drank wine and played that “Speak out” game where you have the mouthpiece that makes your mouth stay open really wide! It was hilarious!

When we woke up Saturday morning we all decided to go to Dunkin’ and when we got back to the house we had made the spontaneous decision to go to the WNDR museum in Chicago! One of my friends decided not to come with us because her boyfriend didn’t want to go, and she wanted to spend time with him (which is totally understandable)! My boyfriend also didn’t want to go, but I have been wanting to go for a while now so I felt like this was my chance!

Needless to say, we had an amazing time! I went with my friend, her boyfriend, her mom and her 1 year old son (who had a total blast btw)! My boyfriend had a PT session this morning, so I decided to go to the gym for an hour. I did my treadmill workout, some arms and hips and then went next door to Aldi. I started laundry when I got home and cleaned out my dresser and closet. Tomorrow my boyfriend will do the same thing with his clothes so next weekend we can donate all of our old stuff!

I want to start de-cluttering areas of the house. I feel like this will make me feel better because I’m being productive while also making the space around me more appealing. I have no issue getting rid of things, because I hate when things just take up space. I feel like starting “spring cleaning” early so I can use springtime to spend my extra time outside when I can.

This upcoming week the doctor I work for isn’t going to be in the office on Friday. I’m hoping to be able to get off early and I want to get something for my boyfriend for Valentine’s day! (And yes I plan to do it on Valentine’s day because whenever I get him anything he always wants it right away and I’m not great at keeping secrets all the time). I love buying him little gifts, and Valentine’s day is the perfect time to do it! Honestly, we don’t normally celebrate it, but I was so depressed over Christmas because I didn’t get anyone anything and I just want to do this.

I’m trying to stay positive and happy during this upcoming week and I’m hoping that all goes well because lately it’s been really stressful. I just feel like I need to stop being so hard on myself, and hopefully I can make some progress on that this week.

Ups and Downs.

Today the sun was finally shining which was much needed. I had lunch plans with one of my friends today so I decided I would get up and go to the gym before I showered and did my makeup. I went to the gym yesterday too, and both days I just did a 30 minute treadmill workout (speed of 3, incline of 12). I’m not gonna lie, my inner thighs are feeling it today.

This past Friday I saw my therapist again, and we came to the conclusion that it may be a good idea to increase my medication and/or add in a new one. She also mentioned that although she sees a lot of obvious anxiety in me, she has a small inkling that I may have hypomania. Immediately after our session I went to make an appointment with my PCP since they’re in the same building, and she happened to have a 9am on Saturday. So yesterday we decided to increase my dose another 20mg.

It’s probably a good thing we increased my dose, because Friday night my boyfriend told me that his work asked him if he would be willing to work as a trainer for three weeks… in the Philippines!! Now, obviously I am very excited for him as this is a great opportunity. Not only that. but them asking him to do this just shows how well he’s doing at work and it’s so great to see him be given these opportunities!

My initial reaction (and current feeling) is happiness and excitement for him- but of course the anxiety in me quickly made itself known. I started to panic. I felt the tears coming to my eyes almost immediately, and I felt like I was starting to hyperventilate. I literally told him that I felt like I might throw up. Luckily I didn’t, but I did get dizzy so I had to sit down, and I cried a lot.

I cried because I know I’m going to miss him like crazy. I cried because I know how bad my anxiety gets when I just spend a couple nights away from him and I’m scared of what three weeks will do. I cried because I was upset with myself for how I was reacting when this is a happy time for him. I cried because I was upset with how codependent I am/feel I am. I cried because he comforted me and calmed me down and was so kind the entire time I was panicking. I finally stopped crying and then made a joke about how it’s a good thing that my meds are gonna be increased and we laughed together.

I obviously have some stuff to work on, especially with this happening in a couple months. I’m gonna have to set a good routine for that time that he’s away, so I don’t go crazy and I can avoid getting depressed/anxious. I thought about maybe visiting while he’s there, but I looked at the flights and I’m not sure I’ll be able to afford it. Oh well, I know he’ll be coming home eventually, and for now I’ll enjoy the time I have with him while he’s here. ♡

Flying by.

I can’t believe that it’s going to be February this upcoming weekend. I remember just a few weeks back, thinking about how “2020 is going to be my year” and how I’m going to work on myself. Today I got a little upset, because I realized that I hadn’t even been to the gym yet and it’s already about to be February. To be fair, the first two weeks of January literally took a shit on me and I nearly went to my doctor to up my medication; but somehow something shifted.

Last week wasn’t too bad, and this weekend my boyfriend and I actually went out together to two separate events which is rare for us- it was nice spending time together and with good company! Today when I got up I knew I needed to be productive, so I got out of bed and immediately started my laundry. Once my clothes were in the wash I decided I had to use that 40 minutes to do other chores around the house. I cleaned the litter boxes (my least favorite chore), emptied the dishwasher, washed the extra dishes, and took out the garbage. Yesterday I cleaned up the bathroom and swept, so that gave me some extra time to get ready.

After the wash cycle was complete I threw my clothes in the dryer and went out to get gas and go shopping. I just went to one store, but I got what I went for: a new purse, new wallet, and workout clothes (ya know, to motivate me). After I was done shopping I grabbed Panda Express for myself and my boyfriend and headed home. After we ate I decided that it was finally time to go to the gym, and I went to Planet Fitness for the first time!

I honestly like the vibe of the gym waaayyy better than my last one aka Anytime Fitness. I’m glad I joined this one, and it’s much cheaper than Anytime. I started off on the treadmill and did this workout that my favorite You-Tuber does (30 minutes on a speed of 3 and an incline of 12)! I’m sure I’ll feel that in my legs tomorrow. I honestly didn’t do too much after that. I walked around the gym to see where everything is, so next time I’ll have a better plan in place and I’ll get a good workout in.

I feel like this year is already flying by, so nows the time to start doing what I planned to do. I’m only hurting myself when I delay starting to work towards my goals. I will say that I did take a yoga class this month already, and my goal was to take at least one a month, so I’m on the right track for that one! I felt quite defeated and exhausted earlier this month, and I know that I don’t want to feel that way for the rest of the year- and I won’t. I will be sure to keep working on myself and taking care of myself, because I deserve it. We all do. ♡

Circles.

Life has been rough lately, and music has always been something that helps me through tough times. Mac Miller (RIP ♡) recently had his newest album “Circles” released to the world. Hearing his voice on those tracks after thinking we wouldn’t hear any new music from him has been somewhat surreal. When he passed away it was one of the hardest celebrity deaths for me. I think what made it more difficult was that he had recently released his album “Swimming,” and I had related so much to so many of those songs and wanted to see him perform them live on his upcoming tour. My boyfriend and I were lucky enough to see him live a few years back, at a Lolla after show (definitely one of the best shows we have been to). I’ll never forget his energy in that venue; the love he has for music combined with his insane talent is truly a gift. I’m glad that we were blessed with what is likely to be his last album- and in my opinion, his best one.

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“Well I’m way too young to be getting old.”

Don’t you put any more stress on yourself, it’s one day at a time.”

“Some people say that want to live forever. That’s way too long, I’ll just get through today.”

“Why can’t it just be easy? Why does everybody need me to stay?”

“I need somebody to save me before I drove myself crazy.”

“I’m busy trippin’ ’bout shit that still ain’t even happened yet.”

“Inside my head is getting pretty cluttered. I’ve tried but can’t clean up this mess I’ve made. Before I start to think about the future, can I just get through a day…”

“Yeah sometimes the going gets so good, but then again it gets pretty rough.”

Malcolm McCormick (Mac Miller.) Circles. Warner Records Inc., 2020.