________________________________________________________

I’ve always enjoyed writing, and I have a particular interest in poetry. There is something so beautiful about being able to bring out so much emotion and thought in such few words that intrigues me. I feel the most creative when I write poetry; I feel as if I get to take a step outside of my life and am able to express a creative side that is normally suppressed by daily life and stress.

Welcome to the dark.

________________________________________________________

Frigid

She watches one of the last orange leaves float down onto the pavement,

And listens to the loud crunch when a child’s boot crushes it with ease.

Autumn is ending, and she knows that the trees will die and soon be covered in snow.

The air will be chilled and quiet, except for the occasional noise from sharp winds and cracking ice.

She’s never felt so in tune with the world, than in this approaching season.

She lets the bitter, cold winter consume her.

It’s almost as though she feels her organs calcify inside of her body, and the blood freezing in her veins.

She lies motionless all day; any movement is hard on her icy bones.

All she can feel is the stinging emptiness inside of her.

Even though her surroundings are warm, she is frozen in her silent hell.

Lying still, her frosted flesh glistening in the sunshine.

The sun beaming onto her skin, making tears drip from every inch of her body.

She feels the heat melting away the frost, warming her on the surface.

She can feel the blood start to run beneath her skin, and feels the soft beating in her chest.

She wants to let the warm, welcoming spring consume her.

She wants to watch the plants come back to life, and admire the new, blooming flowers.

She wants to listen to the birds chirping, and the wind blowing softly against the leaves.

It is bright outside, and the pale blue sky is holding the fluffiest of clouds.

But even with the sun shining, she still remains in the dark.

All of the warmth can’t melt the ice around her heart.

Inside, a sense of numbness lingers.

She aches to feel complete and whole, but she can’t escape that hollow feeling within.

So she embraces the idea that she is stuck in the darkness.

She becomes one with that frigid feeling in her soul.

And she lets it consume her.

________________________________________________________

Faults

You pick me up above your head, just to put me back down and kick me while I’m there

You ask my how my day is every day, just to slur “shut the fuck up” from across the room every night

You tell me that I am smart and you’re proud of me, just to call me a “dumbass bitch” later on

You tell me that you love my glasses, just to turn around slap them off my face

You say to be honest and true, yet I see you hiding pills that have someone else’s name on the bottle

You ask how I am doing, just to tell me that I am not doing well enough

You curse me out and insult me, just to drown yourself in liquor and pretend it didn’t happen

All I want is out. I know I don’t deserve this, and you do too, which is why you drink every night

You drink to “forget” how you’ve threatened to put me in the hospital

You drink to “forget” lighting up a cigarette in the apartment and blowing it all over my clothes

You drink to “forget” that you told me to slit my wrists

You drink to “forget” the fact that YOU are the problem

But, I am aware of your faults

I remember the hurtful words you’ve screamed in my face

I remember you putting me in a headlock and breaking my necklace

I remember the police coming to the door every weekend because you were trashed and out of control

I remember that YOU were the problem

Once I found my way out, you told me I’d coming crying back

You told me that I would beg to come back and that you wouldn’t let me back in

I knew at that moment that whatever happened, I would NOT come back

And I have to live with these memories, while you continue to live in denial

However I will not scream insults at you, because it is not worth my time

I will not ask how you are doing, because I do not care anymore

This is your fault.

________________________________________________________

Before

I just want to talk to you like I used to; before her. I want to go back to when I was young, and I was the only one. I didn’t have to share your attention, it was all mine. I was the apple of your eye; but I wasn’t enough. You left me for your new love, and I can’t do anything about that.  Only you can; but you

Won’t

Don’t

…can’t.

At least you think you can’t. After almost 13 years with her, why would you give her up? You’ve grown so close; an inseparable bond. It’s a love so strong that no one can break it, but you couldn’t have it with your only child. I was the one who was there from the beginning. I grew inside of you for nine months, and I left those marks on your stomach. I showed you what love really was. I deserve to have real conversations with my mother, without her present. She ruined this family. Why did you let her?! Do you realize what she has done?

We don’t talk anymore.

Dad doesn’t want me here, because of her.

She is such an instigator. Whenever she is around, there’s always an argument.

She brings out the worst in everyone.

This is your fault. You brought her here; both of you. And now you can’t get rid of her. With her here, there will not be happiness. You are going to lose me because of her. Fuck her. I wish you never stepped foot in that aisle. Never grabbed her off that shelf.  Never took that sip; that shot, that swig. Never let her get you in her grasp; her tight, un-releasing grip. But she did, and you let her. She won.

________________________________________________________

Fear

She’s terrified of falling

too hard, too fast

into something

that might not last

Her innocence restrains her

She’s swallowed by fear

and down her cheek streams

one single, warm tear

She never learned how to love

Every guy did her wrong

But she’s scared that she may push away

the one who could help her along

He could be the one

He is one of a kind

But there is a fear that still lingers

in the back of her mind

________________________________________________________

Embrace me in your arms

Stare deep into my eyes

Flash me your perfect smile

that sends me butterflies

Grasp my hand in the rain

Let our fingers intertwine

Hold me tight in the frigid air

Promise me that you’ll stay mine

Always flawless when we’re as one

Every moment we’re together

Being with you is all I can ask for

This love we share will last forever

Everything you do makes me smile

Your kind compliments make me blush

We proved that dreams can become reality

Being with you is an endless rush

________________________________________________________

Nothing is okay when you’re not around

It feels like everything starts crumbling to the ground

The tears start falling; the terrible thoughts come rushing back

Its hard to keep it in… I’m beginning to crack

But then you call, and that helpless feeling goes away

Everything is better… I just hope that you stay

Because I don’t know how I could live alone

if I’m like this after only one day of you being gone

I’m scared of myself; I’m scared of what I’ll do

if someday I’m not with you. 

________________________________________________________

All the stress, and the lies

The images that burn my eyes

Yell, scream, hit the wall

Try to fly, but always fall

Grab the blade, hide the scars

Stare into space at the stars

Wishing to be anywhere but here

All of these feelings make it clear

No time left, grab the rope

Tie a knot around your throat

Pull it tight, a few more seconds

It’ll be alright, its time to end this

Now it’s over, the demons have won

Your precious life is now done

________________________________________________________

Drip drop, across my skin

On the blade, cut deep in

Embrace the pain, look above

Die cry hate, not live laugh love

Where do I go?

What do I say?

Why the fuck do I feel this way?

The pain feels great when I’m mad

But seeing the scars makes me sad

What’s wrong with me?

Am I depressed?

Too bad I died before I could write the rest.

________________________________________________________

He makes his way through the school

Never understanding why they gave him strange stares

Maybe it was because he did his work and followed the rules

Or maybe it was because of what he wears

People would judge the way he walked and spoke

They mimicked his actions and every word he said

They all laughed and acted as if he was a joke

and they told him “No one would care if you were dead.”

He sat alone and let the painful words sink in

The judgement and torment, he couldn’t handle it all

When he walked over that ledge, he was the happiest he had ever been

He felt free as he allowed himself to fall

Now he doesn’t have to deal with the cruelty and hate

All of the students say “he was beautiful,” but they said it too late.

________________________________________________________

I could still feel you flowing through my veins

Even with you inside, I still felt hollow

I pushed the blade that allowed you to escape from me,

but I couldn’t help but follow

________________________________________________________

Its 11:00am

I have just awoken. I lie perfectly still as your gently glide your fingertips across my arm, making your presence known.

Its 6:00pm

I remain isolated in my room. I’m under my covers, and I don’t feel quite right. You kiss my cheek, letting me know you’re still there.

Its 1:00am

The tears won’t stop falling. I have a million thoughts racing through my brain. I want it all to stop. You wrap yourself tightly around me, making sure I know that you’re never going to leave.

(living with anxiety.)

________________________________________________________

He looked at her with admiration beaming through his bright, brown eyes.

“You are I… we are inevitable.”

She looked up at him with a slight smile and whispered:

“So is death.”

________________________________________________________

2023

As I stroll into 2023 

I have high hopes and a positive view 

I think of that phrase: “New year, new me” 

And if I stay focused, that can be true 

It’s not that I want to change who I am 

I am actually starting to love myself 

It’s that I finally see my potential, and damn… 

I deserve a life full of good health and wealth 

I get to decide what I consume 

Both physically and mentally 

And if I eliminate the doom and gloom 

The love and light are what I’ll see 

This year I will put effort into being present 

I will practice the art of letting go 

This year, there is no room for resentment 

I do what pleases me, and I don’t feel guilty saying “no” 

As the years go on, I always remain grateful 

The hard times and life lessons help me grow 

As I get older, I become more graceful 

I stand in my confidence as I go with the flow 

I am happily floating into 2023 

I have faith that all is unfolding as it should 

This year I deserve to focus on me 

And do everything that happy, healthy me would. 

____________________________________________________________________________

Voices 

Deep sorrow and emptiness inside  

When the voices judge and criticize 

Not the ones outside, the ones in my mind 

Those ones are the worst kind 

They know all of my flaws 

They remember every single fault 

They’re the reason I stay in bed  

And ignore everyone’s calls 

I started talking back to them 

Told them to shut up and go away 

That only created more chaos 

For me to live in every day 

I talk to myself more than anybody else 

Call me insane, but what goes on inside my brain 

Is what I have to deal with more than anybody else 

And I don’t want to be in this pain 

Deep confusion, yet hope inside 

When the voices open up and realize 

Not the ones outside, the ones in my mind 

Those are the most important kind 

They see all of my flaws 

They forgive every single fault 

They recognize the self-defeating patterns 

And they take time to pause 

I started talking back to them 

Told them they weren’t that bad 

Decided to stop judging myself 

And forgave myself for being mad 

I talk to myself more than anybody else 

Call me insane, but what goes on inside my brain 

Is what I have to deal with more than anybody else 

And I have nothing to lose, and everything to gain 

Deep alignment and happiness inside  

When the voices listen and empathize 

Not the ones outside, the ones in my mind 

Those are the most important kind 

They love all of my flaws 

Compassion is the new default 

They’ve become my new best friends 

And it feels much better than it was 

I started talking back to them 

Told them they’re here to stay 

We are creating a beautiful life 

That I can enjoy every day 

I talk to myself more than anybody else 

Call me insane, but what goes on inside my brain 

Is what I focus on more than anybody else 

And nothing would grow without the rain