“I just need a way out of my head.”

When I first heard “Come back to earth” off of Mac Miller’s album Swimming, I knew that I wasn’t alone. So when he passed away, it felt like I lost one of the only people who knew what I was going through. Mac’s passing has been super difficult for me, and I never talk about it because I feel like people just think I’m bring dramatic or I’m lying. I know that is a dumb reason, because I shouldn’t care what people think, but I think the issue for me is that I know they don’t relate or understand. Don’t get me wrong, I know a lot of people were hurt by his passing, including fans like me; but I just feel that not many people I know are hurting like I am. I cried when he died. I actually cried several times, over several days, and even two nights ago I just broke down in tears. I’m sure it has a lot to do with the fact that I just keep seeing it all over social media, but at the same time, it is more than that. I grew up listening to Mac Miller, and he only continued to get better and better throughout his career. Swimming has changed my life, and I will forever be grateful that he was able to release this album before his death.

I think the hardest part for me is realizing that even though he was making music and pursuing his dreams, he still carried pain around with him. I believe that he was doing drugs to numb the pain, because expressing it through music wasn’t enough to actually relieve his misery. That terrifies me. It terrifies me because I know my life isn’t bad, and I have a lot to be thankful for and a lot to love; but I never truly feel happy, and I don’t know if I ever will. Lately I have been isolating myself, as well as arguing with myself in my head, and I feel like I can’t stop. I have been trying to practice self care by doing little things such as painting my nails, doing stretches/yoga, and eating better. I even signed up for an aerial yoga class, but I feel like even though I am physically doing things, my mental state doesn’t reflect the same progress. I am the person who knows me the most, and I don’t even know how to make myself happy. The more I think about it, the more I feel like I could end up like Malcolm (Mac). Luckily, I rarely drink alcohol and I don’t do drugs, however I feel like I could easily become an addict if I ever took something. But I mean that’s easy, I just won’t try anything, it just scares me to know that if I did, I would likely spiral out of control. My parents are both alcoholics, and I’d definitely say I have an addictive personality, so it just scares me to know that a dumb decision could really change me/my life.

As I have stated before, my house is always clean. Even as a child, my room was always organized, and there was never anything on the floor that didn’t belong there. When I was in school my locker was always organized, and in elementary school my desk stayed neat. In general, I am a very clean person, but the other day my boyfriend made a comment about how he doesn’t understand how I am so messy (referring to me eating Doritos with nacho cheese). He has made many comments over the years about how I am such a messy eater, and he is absolutely right! But for some reason, that night I couldn’t help but think about how that was a metaphor of my life. I always make sure everything is neat and perfect around me, but I don’t care enough to do the same for myself. I rarely wear any makeup or “dress-up”, other than my business casual work attire. I rarely buy things for myself, other than iced coffee, because whenever I do I just feel guilty or feel like I didn’t deserve it. At this point in my life I need to stop people-pleasing, and start focusing on what I want and need, I just don’t know how to get out of my head.

“In my own way, this feel like living. Some alternate reality. And I was drowning, but now I’m swimming through stressful waters, to relief.” ♡

Moving on and getting over.

Today I read an article titled: “What it’s like to have ‘high-functioning anxiety.” After reading the first two lines, I knew that I was meant to stumble across this post. It starts off stating that high-functioning anxiety looks like Achievement, Busyness, and Perfectionism. Well, I’m a 23-year old college graduate and home-owner who has been in a healthy, happy relationship for nearly 7 years. I drive a car that I like, I have a job at a successful, growing business, and I am able to travel at least 1-2 times a year. I do not have any student loans to pay off, and I am making enough money where I can still contribute to my savings, while also being able to treat myself to my iced coffee every day. Looks like achievement right? The perfectionism comes in when you start digging into each of those “achievements.” I have been at my job for just over 2 years and I have been promoted twice. The upstairs of my house pretty much just looks like staged rooms, rather than an actual home where people live. Downstairs is a bit more “home-y,” but I am constantly straightening up and cleaning to try to achieve the same look we have upstairs. Now all of this may sound really appealing to people, which I understand. Doesn’t everyone want to have a clean home and be progressing in their job? Well there is a lot more to that.

The article goes on to discuss the nervous habits of people who suffer from anxiety, and also the social aspect of being anxious. For me, I would not say I am socially anxious, because I feel like I can get along with people easily; but I will say I have to mentally prepare myself for any event. With that being said, last-minute plans are hard for me. I am used to a routine and making plans, and when something disrupts the plan, it is difficult for me to adapt quickly. In the article, the author writes: “The panic that flashes through my eyes when a plan changes. When anything changes.” That, right there, is what hit me. About a month ago, my boyfriend and I had left a friend’s house and when we were almost home I realized I had left my purse at their house, and I immediately started to panic. My heart was racing, I became sweaty and I was very agitated. My boyfriend was calm and was telling me it was not a big deal (I mean we only live about 20 min away from each other), but for me it was, because that was something I wasn’t anticipating. This is just one example of many.

The problem with this type of anxiety, in my opinion, is people think that you don’t need help. Sometimes I feel that people are just seeing a responsible perfectionist who has everything in order, but there is so much going on underneath the surface. There are times when I feel that my friends are only taking me at face-value, and maybe the problem is that I am not open enough about these feelings. I have been really in my head these last few weeks, and I am evaluating myself as well as my relationships. I have been beating myself up, wondering if I am a good enough friend or a good enough person, but I have realized that no one should feel that way in any relationship. Although I may still be working on my mental health, I still know that I am a good person, and I can’t let others allow me to doubt my self-worth. I am genuinely compassionate towards others, and I am always putting everyone else first. The problem is, that is where I can lose myself. As I have mentioned before, I can get too wrapped up in people’s emotions to the point where I will set mine aside and completely ignore them.

In addition to ignoring my feelings, I also have a bad habit of holding in a lot of feelings/thoughts I have. I do this for a number of reasons, the main one being I never want to hurt someone’s feelings. Now, I am not saying I have a bunch of hurtful, malicious thoughts towards people, but I am saying some of the thoughts I have can be taken the wrong way. A vague example is when I told my friend an idea of how to make things less stressful for her during this situation she is going through, but with the way she responded and the fact that she has not talked to me in weeks, I think its safe to say I offended her. A couple of years ago another friend and I had a falling out, and at the end of the friendship I told her that I felt like she did not appreciate her parents or everything they did for her. Well, she decided that was me saying terrible things about her family. All I was doing was sharing an observation, considering she fought with her parents in front of me all the time, but apparently it was more than that. So with all of that being said, I just keep thoughts inside.

As I have been evaluating myself and my friendships, I will say the one thing I regret is not being more open and honest about certain things. Even if there is that possibility of them reacting poorly, there is also the chance that they will take on a different perspective and try to understand where I am coming from. I have come to the realization that I cannot have friends who make me feel like I need to walk on eggshells around them. If there is something bothering me, I cannot pretend that everything is fine in order to spare feelings or avoid a fight, because in my opinion, that is being a bad friend. I should be able to be open and honest about my thoughts with my friends, even if that means having a conversation/debate. I should be able to explain why something hurt me or bothered me, without feeling guilty about having those feelings.

Ultimately, my goal is to be happy and free. I do not want to be questioning my thoughts or my friendships. I do not want to feel guilty or feel that I cannot open up. If that means ending certain friendships, then that is what it means. We all continue to grow and to learn, and sometimes you will discover that not everyone is beneficial to your life or to your progress, and it is okay to move on. I am the only person guaranteed to be with me until my dying day, so I have to do what is best for me. ♡

Getting coffee.

Today is a good Monday. I took advantage of this Labor day by doing exactly what you should do: labor!  I started off my day cleaning the house. I swept the upstairs, cleaned out the bathtub, did the dishes, and vacuumed. I even washed our bedding and was done with everything by 11:00am. I decided to re-paint my nails since one of them chipped yesterday, and I took a long, hot shower. Not to mention I ate a decent amount of carbs today, but hey, we all need it sometime. I started looking into some fun fitness classes so I can really start working on myself and do something I enjoy for once. It truly is incredible what a little bit of self care can do for the mind, and I really needed this today.

I’ve been in such a slump lately. I am sure the rain has a lot to do with it, but I’ve also been feeling overwhelmed. My best friend hasn’t talked to me in weeks, and to be honest I miss her a lot. In our last conversation, she was not the nicest person and I don’t feel like I should reach out to her at this point. I have to let her come to me, if she even wants to. I feel like if I reach out, she is going to think I automatically forgive her, which is not the case. Honestly, I am tired of being stepped on and I am tired of being guilt tripped all of the time. It is already hard enough for me to be around certain personality types for too long, but to have passive comments thrown at me when I cannot make a last minute plan makes me feel like shit. I sit and start to overthink, and I end up blaming myself and hating myself.

This past week I have been arguing with myself in my mind whether I am really a good friend or not. I can say that I genuinely care about people; so much so that I literally can feel what they feel. I recently read a post that said “I am not a consistent friend, I am a dependable friend,” and I couldn’t have related more. I may not be at every event that you invite me to, and I may want to stay home by myself on days that you want to go out, but I am always there when you need me. If you are having a hard time and need to talk, I will make time to talk, even if it is just on the phone. Or I will make sure we plan a day to go get coffee or lunch so we can talk about you and what is going on. I want to help people the most I can, but I also have to pay attention to myself and how I am feeling.

Ironically enough, during this time of my best friend’s hiatus from me, my ex best friend reached out to me. She just basically prefaced it with telling me she found something that reminded her of me, and she said she hoped I was doing well and loving myself/life. Of course at this point I have been down for several days and not really loving myself/life at all. I just responded and said I wished the same for her and I hope her family is doing well. That was it. At first I was thinking maybe I should ask her to meet up so we could talk. I just kept thinking about when we were having our falling out I told her “maybe in a couple of years we could get coffee,” and we just hit two years of not speaking. However, my boyfriend and a couple of other friends were offended that this person did not apologize to me when she reached out, which I agree with completely. This friend literally had no respect for me, and by the end of the friendship it was apparent that she did not care about me. Just because a couple of years went by, it does not mean that she has grown or changed. What further validated this for me was I went on her twitter feed shortly after she messaged me, and she had posted that she was listening to her horoscope and reaching out to an old friend… Well, in that case I am also going to read the signs here and steer clear.

I am a good person, and I am proud of who I am. I am not manipulative, nor vindictive. I am not selfish, nor conceited. I have compassion for humans and I know that everyone has their own shit and hard times they have gone through. I care about the people I love, more than they even know. I cannot tell you that I will be the friend to come over to your place every other day, or even every other week. I may not be the friend who is involved in planning events or going out every time, but I am always here to listen or to offer advice when you need it. If that is not enough, then it is what it is. I have to focus on my mental and emotional health, as does everyone. I want to continue working on myself and moving forward in life, both within me and also in my career goals. If that is not something you want to encourage or be a part of, then maybe in a few years we can get coffee. Until then, I will continue to work on being the best version of myself. ♡

Ignorance is bliss.

I have been sitting here trying to write what I am feeling, but I have way too much going through my mind to put this in any sort of order. I am angry with the ignorant people in the world who believe every post they read, or believe any well-known person who spews shit out of their mouth. I am angry with the fact that it seems no one ever thinks for themselves and they just pick a side and argue things strictly based on emotion. I am angry because I have been that person though. I am angry because I am a sensitive person who is easily affected by the emotions and emotional aspects of everything and everyone around me, and there are times where I let that completely take me over.

I get so worked up when I think about all of the negativity in the world, but I am also a person who likes to be educated. I want to know what is going on, but I also overthink everything and I hold on to everything as if it is my own problem. I get so frustrated when I see terrible things happening, but I know there are so many people who literally do not give a fuck about any of it, and this infuriates me. But at the same time, why would anyone want to focus on the negative aspects? Why should we live our lives in a constant state of anger or depression? This is exactly why they say “ignorance is bliss.” When you don’t know what is going on, how could you be upset? BUT THIS IS A PROBLEM. People NEED to educate themselves on what is happening in the world.

This whole post has me arguing in my own mind. Part of me wants to not care at all. I don’t want to care about what is happening, and I want to ignore the fact that the world is shitty, because life goes on anyway. But the other part of me refuses to be blind to reality, while others just believe whatever they want (whether it is actually true or not).

I don’t even want to go on anymore. This was a terrible blog post but it was needed.

 

Self care.

Today has been a good day.

I say that, yet today was an extremely high volume, stressful day at work. By the end of my shift, I had taken more calls than I ever have in this position. Not only that, but I also stayed late, and I only took a 20 minute lunch. However, I had decided that today was my day to start caring more about myself. As busy as it was throughout the day, I kept reminding myself that I am only one person, and I can only get done as much as I can. Honestly, putting myself in that mindset really made me take on the day with more ease. Instead of being in the constant state of anxiety about the workload, I just embraced it and put my best effort in.

I think what also helped is that I also started a low-carb diet again today. I’ll be honest, usually when I have a shitty day at work I will reward myself on my lunch hour and go get a sugary drink from Starbucks or I’ll go get a McChicken, but today I didn’t.  I made some cold brew last night, and I brought some to work along with a salad for lunch. This evening I’ve snacked on some cheese and slim jims, and now I am treating myself to a Miller Lite (hey, it’s only 3.2 carbs per bottle). I honestly think just eating healthier makes me feel better in general, and I want to continue making progress with my physical and mental health.

Another change I’ve made is for the first time in nearly 6 years I am no longer taking my birth control pill. I decided to come off of it for many reasons, but the main one is for my mental health. I have been on a birth control pill that has a different dose of hormones every week, and in the past few months I have finally put together how my mood is almost directly correlated with the dose of hormones I am taking. The first week after my period I always feel motivated and I usually am happier in general, and by the 3rd week I am feeling drained, depressed, agitated, and just miserable overall. I am hoping that coming off of my birth control will help to stabilize my emotions, and I also want to be able to let my body be able to function normally again.

With all of that being said, my boyfriend and I will be taking other precautions to avoid becoming pregnant. I would really like to work on myself and be happy with who I am before I decide to bring any children into the world. I want to be able to cope and deal with stress and my anxiety, so that is does not become a burden for my child. I never want my child to have to worry about me, and I want them to be able to depend on me.  I also want to be able to depend on myself, and that is why I plan to continue this blog and continue to treat myself better. ♡home

Sleep is for the weak / Sleeping for a week

I’ve been struggling for the past couple of weeks.

I haven’t been eating healthy. I’ve been sleeping a lot. I haven’t posted on here or written anything in general. I’ve stopped my morning stretches and stopped communicating with friends. I have gone out a couple of times, which I am proud of, but not I’m not going to pretend that I didn’t think about canceling those plans. I always give up on myself, and it is because I don’t care enough about myself. I do want to care about myself though.

Today was a bit different than the past few days. I actually did some yoga and stretching this morning before work. I also got myself a venti strawberry acai with light ice because that drink is my weakness (highly recommend). I went to get my hair done today after work. Honestly, all day I was dreading the drive, and then knowing that I wouldn’t be in my home until after 11pm made me not want to go at all. But I am glad I went tonight. I need to remember that there are good people out in the world, and it is important to spend time with genuine, down to earth people.

I’m telling myself that this upcoming Monday I will start doing the things that I keep saying I’m going to do. I want to start having a routine in the morning that includes a form of exercise and/or doing something for myself. I want to start reading again, and I want to continue posting on this blog. I also plan to eat healthier, because overall I feel better when I eat well. I plan to get 8-9 hours of sleep at night, instead of 10-11. I want to be productive, and do things for myself that make me happy and make me feel good.

I deserve to love myself, and to do that I need to care about myself first. ♡

 

Volcano.

These past few weeks have been rough. I feel that I am re-connecting with myself, which is a good thing, however what is coming up is mainly anger and resentment I have kept deep inside for several years. I feel the real me is coming to the surface again; the problem is I don’t know how to deal with the emotions and conflicts that are arising. I have been too involved with those who surround me, experiencing their feelings as they go through them, and during this time I have neglected myself. I am realizing now that I cannot do that any longer. I am exhausting myself, both physically and mentally.

In the past few days, some of the pent up rage that I had sitting inside of me made its way to the surface. At one point I was crying so hard that I nearly vomited. My body was shaking and I felt like I was trapped inside my own mind.  I had no idea how to handle what I was experiencing. I ended up having a not-so cordial discussion with my parents via text (yeah, not the best idea I’ve had) and I got some things out that I really needed, and I felt a huge weight lift off of my shoulders. As much as I know it could hurt their feelings, I remembered that they had no problem ignoring my feelings in the past. I deserve to be treated with respect, and I also do not have to put up with the negative B.S. anymore.

I believe that one of the greatest things you can do for yourself is cut negative people out of your life… and sometimes that includes family. The hard part for me is that I feel guilty about shutting someone out, even when it is well deserved. I am always concerned about how others feel, and I never want to hurt anyone’s feelings.  The thing is, I have to remember that when someone doesn’t treat you well for a long period of time, it is okay to distance yourself from them. There is no reason to keep toxic people in your life, when all they are trying to do is bring you down. You have earned the right to be happy with yourself, and if someone is constantly trying to ruin your progress, then they do not have a right to be in your life.

I just want to say that writing is kind of my therapy right now, and I appreciate all who are reading. Even if no one is reading this, I am proud of myself for starting this blog and staying dedicated to it. I am also happy that I have already seen progress in discovering parts of me, and learning how to love those parts, even when they aren’t easy to deal with. I will continue this journey, because I deserve to love myself. ♡