Labor Day

I cannot believe it’s already Labor Day… I feel like we already lost out on a whole year (2020) but now I’m like how is it about to be 2022??? In my timeline of life, ideally I would want to be getting pregnant this time next year with my first baby and already be married, but my boyfriend is still not my fiancé yet so we will see how that’s goes LOL.

Honestly I am happy with how life is going, and I want to keep this timeline in mind as motivation to keep me working out and eating healthier. I want to be much more healthy and fit by the time that I get pregnant/have children so that I can teach them how to have healthy habits as they grow up. I also know it may take a while to get pregnant, or I may find out I cannot get pregnant, in which case it will still be better to be healthy incase I have to try IVF.

I don’t want that to come off as negative or worried about the worst case, I truly just look at that as something normal that can happen, along with miscarriages! I think the problem is we weren’t really taught that in health class or in any type of schooling that 1 in 4 women have a miscarriage and a lot also struggle with infertility issues. I feel like since I’m very aware of that and have friends who have gone through all of the above, that is just something I’m (somewhat) mentally prepared for.

Overall there are obviously more reasons to want to get healthy and get stronger, but I am going to try to keep this in mind as the months and years keep flying by. I’m the only person who can make these changes and make healthy habits for myself, and my future self and children deserve it!

Battling Guilt

Well, I decided to leave my current position and take the billing job with my old company! I felt a huge sigh of relief when I finally made my decision and accepted the offer, but now I am battling all of the guilty feelings. I had to tell my team yesterday that I was leaving, and it was not taken well. I know that this office has been through way too much…before me especially; but that cannot keep me from doing what I feel is best for me. I tried to keep them in good spirits by letting them know that my coworker would be their new Team Lead, and that she knows everything that I do. She is reliable, a hard-worker, and we all love her; she will do an amazing job as Team Lead. I understand that we work well together as a team, but she will find a compatible coworker and train her to be just as good.

I do want to explain what made me finally decide on the other position. As I said before, my manager from my previous office reached out to me originally with the offer to come to the billing team, and they would give me all my benefits back as if I never left. I originally declined because she could not give me more than what I was making hourly, and I preferred that as my insurance will be more expensive at that company (but hopefully my boyfriend and I will be getting a civil union or married so I can get on his insurance). I started the interview process for the billing team at my current company, and that office is an hour from my house (so I had to keep that in mind).

I hated the drive; I felt like it was such as long waste of time. I got there, and when I did my interview I let him know that I had another offer and I needed to make a certain amount in order to consider the billing job at that location. He let me know that he would talk to some people and get back to me, but it likely would not be until this week (and this was last Monday). He said once they gave me more information, if I want to move forward I would talk to my front desk coworker about moving up to Team Lead. Fast forward to this passed Tuesday (one week and a day after my interview), I am scrolling on Indeed and I see that my current position is on there: “Team Leader” at (insert my current place of work). Not only that, it said “posted 5 days ago.” FIVE DAYS AGO? Um, I do not remember getting any offer or accepting this billing job? Also, what about current front desk coworker- she is supposed to take my position!

So, clearly this upset me. I emailed my regional coach right away to tell her what I saw, and explained why my current front desk should be the new Team Lead. When she spoke to me the next day (yesterday) she let me know that they would consider her, but also were worried about experience (which is what they said when we originally brought her on, but she is AMAZING). She also said she would be in touch with the guy who interviewed me and get back to me about what information they had, and never acknowledged the fact that they posted the indeed ad without me even accepting the offer. I still knew I had a current job, but honestly, once I saw that it was up for grabs, I knew I had to make a decision to work an hour from my house (for maybe no more money?) or take the offer at the other place since it had already been 10 days since they offered it to me, and I’m sure they had other candidates interviewing. So, I waited for my boyfriend’s lunch to call him on the phone and discuss options, and we decided it was best to take the job at my previous company; I immediately reached out and asked if the position was still available and was relieved when she said it was.

I am finishing out my two weeks at my current job, and I want to get my coworker feeling organized and confident that she’s got this! Of course now one of the CEO’s is reaching out to me as he just found out that I put in my notice (ahem, two days ago), and is asking what they can do to keep me. Well, they can’t. I already accepted an offer, and I am excited to be working a normal schedule, with no weekends. I am excited to have a guaranteed 40 hours, and it is less than 30 minutes from my house which is what I wanted. Not only that, but this is work that I won’t ever bring home with me. I will be verifying insurances, entering checks, helping offices figure out accounts/balances… I won’t have to interact with any patients. I am happy to have steady hours that are always the same; it makes it easier to get into a good, healthy routine.

I know that I made the right choice for myself, but I cannot help but feel like I am abandoning my team. I know they will be fine without me, but I felt so bad when I had to hear their reactions when I told them I was leaving. One of the hygienists cried; they honestly all looked defeated. They started saying how they finally felt stable with a good team, and that I got this place back where it should be, and I reminded them that now the mess is cleaned up, and my current coworker knows how to keep it this way. She will be able to train the next person, and I am sure they will be a great team together. I can’t help but go back and forth feeling guilt, but I am just reminding myself that I made the right decision.

Sunny Sunday!

It’s such a beautiful day outside, yet I’ve been inside most of the day organizing and cleaning the house. Honestly it feels great, and I still have time to go on a walk as it’s only 2:30pm. I also did some crafting today; I made a couple of canvases for my living room.

I’ve been feeling like getting off of social media again. I got back on Facebook for my small business and I am back to scrolling a lot. Today I logged out so that when I pull up the app I can stop and decide if I am going on there for business or not and just get back off. Twitter is where I spend a lot of time and truly it’s kind of a hellhole, but the astrology people on there are interesting to me LOL! I like reading that stuff even if some people don’t think it’s real, I truly think it just helps with self-reflection and being aware.

I still haven’t made a decision about work, which I guess means I may be staying where I am? To be fair, my current job told me they had to talk to some people and I wouldn’t hear much until next week. Part of me still is hesitant to stay because of the drive and I don’t want to be wasting all of my time, but also the insurance is much more affordable at this job. It’s just stressful to think about, and my boyfriend’s HR won’t get back to him on if we need to be married or need a civil union or whatever. I’m honestly not really focusing on that right now, I’m trying to get the house clean and start preparing for my first crafting “drop!”

I’ve been really proud of myself for how I’ve been managing all of this stress while also no longer being on anxiety medication! It’s been over 6 weeks now, and I am honestly feeling really good! I feel my emotions again, but I also feel like I am 100% gaining more control over them. I’ve been focusing more on gratitude which is helping me to get through the negative situations. It is a lot of practice and it’s hard, but creating healthy habits is important, and I want to do this for myself.

I also am going to be more mindful about how I eat and how active I am, as I want to be healthy. I want to starting trying to have children within the next couple years, and I want to make sure that I am active and get into healthy habits so that I can continue them postpartum, and teach them to my children as well. What I choose to do today affects my future self, and I need to be mindful of that

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Indecisive

I have been going back and forth trying to make a decision about what to do with my job situation. I currently have a job that I like, but I have not been getting my full 40 hours for several weeks now, and it is starting to become stressful. I recently had my manager from my last job reach out and asked if I wanted to work in the billing department for her, and offered $1 more an hour, steady 40 hours a week, no weekends, and give me my vacation time back immediately as if I never left- the issue is the insurance is more expensive as they are a smaller company. So although I would “make more money,” it would be going to my insurance. The one good thing is it is a little closer to home than my current job. I am trying to see if I can get on my boyfriend’s insurance without being married, as we do have a joint account and are both on our current mortgage. If I can do that, that may sway me into going to that job.

On the other hand, I work for a company that wants to keep their employees, and I told them about my offer and how much I would want to get paid to stay and transition into being in their billing team; I had to keep in mind that it is quite a bit further of a drive to work. However, they can let me work from home two days a week once I am fully trained, and I would also have steady hours and not work weekends. I know a lot of people don’t care about the drive, but I just keep thinking about having an hour commute to work and then back, but also how it’ll be even longer in the winter.

In the midst of all of this stress, I came up with a craft drop schedule for my small shop! I will post it with this blog, that way if anyone wants to follow along on my Instagram or Facebook page! I am really excited to take this leap and give myself deadlines; it is important to set goals if you want to reach them! I can think about stuff I want to do as much as I want, but until I put in the work, all those thoughts will ever be are just thoughts. I keep reminding myself that you cannot rely on motivation as it is temporary, you have to rely on yourself, which requires discipline. I set up a crafting schedule so that I am constantly working on projects and being creative; I work well with routine and schedules, so as long as I put it on the schedule it will get done. Also, posting publicly about it also gives that added incentive to get it done and do a good job, as I can just hope someone is waiting to see what I’ve made!

I am open to any thoughts/advice anyone has, and appreciate any who are here reading this! I hope you all have a great week.

Logged out.

I logged out of twitter and tik tok. I’m tired of wasting time, and I need to focus on myself and what I want to achieve. I need to set goals in order to meet them, and I want to continue to progress in life. I’ll be writing more, and I’d love to get back into poetry. I’ll be working out more, as I want to be stronger and healthier. I’ll be spending more time with my cats, as I love them dearly and want to spend time with them while they’re here. I’m going to do what’s best for me and focus on what makes me happy.

Talk to you all soon!

Wedding Weekend.

This weekend was interesting to say the least. My boyfriend and I were in our good friends’ wedding and it was stressful as fuck. Don’t get me wrong, we love them so much and are so happy for them, but it was so much work and so exhausting.

After having to get up at 6:45am and working until 1:00pm, my boyfriend and I drove to the rehearsal dinner on Friday, and we were all supposed to start at 6:00pm, but the main people needed were running late to this got delayed to 7:15pm. That unfortunately kind of set the tone for the rest of the events to come.

With starting late, the actual dinner part of the “rehearsal dinner” didn’t happen. Instead we all went back to the hotel to set up for the wedding. The bride and groom ordered us all pizzas and we got to work- setting up tables, blowing up balloons, decorating the reception area, and so on.

My boyfriend and I were so tired, and especially me because on Thursday night I went over to the bride’s house to help her and her MOH with last minute wedding crafting and then I had to retwist my boyfriend’s hair so I didn’t go to bed until about 1am. I’m sure running on 5 hours of sleep and then the schedule running behind really added into my stress levels.

We ended up going to bed around 11, while others stayed back to continue helping. The coordinator had already left so they were just finishing up the balloon arch, but I still felt bad leaving. However, when I spoke to the bride she said that she was up doing stuff until 3:00am! Then I felt even worse, but also we had to be at her hotel (different one than we were staying at/where the reception was) at 8:00am to start getting ready.

Once everyone was there and getting ready things were pretty smooth sailing when it came to timing, but then shit started hitting the fan. I honestly don’t want to go into details, but the poor planning and feeling everyone stress levels for HOURS was so draining. I started having a panic attack on the trolley where the whole bridal party was minus the bride), but was able to stop crying and calm myself down. I was also lucky enough to have my boyfriend with me, which helped tremendously.

After her horse-drawn carriage entrance, and the live butterfly release, we took 8 million photos and were late for the grand march and delayed the whole reception by 45 minutes. Once we were there I was just so happy for all of this stress and timeline shit to be over. I was so triggered because I hate running late and I hate when things don’t go as planned and everyone else was feeling stressed and angry, and I could just feel everyone’s negative energy.

So now that we were finally where the open bar was, I was just so happy to finally get food and drinks. My boyfriend and I loved the greek buffet food, and we really enjoyed drinking and dancing the night away with each other. He really doesn’t like big events or being around people, but we truly had a wonderful time together once all the stress was gone (other than having to help clean up everything at the end of the night).

I truly hope the bride and groom didn’t feel all of this stress, but I know for sure the bride was stressed a few times. I can say they will have great pictures from the wedding, but this whole thing really reinforced my thought that big weddings are really about trying to impress other people and I think people get lost in it.

I’ve never wanted a big wedding, and my boyfriend agrees. We decided years ago that we will have an elopement ceremony once that time comes. When we went to Aruba in 2019, we decided that we want to get married there! We’ve been ring shopping in the last couple months, and last night when we did our video message to the newlyweds he said that our time was coming soon (to be fair I caught the bouquet)!

We are coming up on our ten year anniversary in October, but we’ve been together since we were 16, so we’re still young! I’m okay not being married right now, but I mean we’re basically married already. We have been living together for seven years, we bought a house together, and we take care of our cats together lol! I get so happy when I see my friends getting married and having kids, but I’m also so happy that we still have those things to look forward to. Weddings always make me emotional, and I’m so happy that I have such a great life partner.

What to do

I have this itch to start doing something new, like youtube or streaming. My boyfriend and I have talked about doing a podcast type thing together or a reaction video channel, but I think I have a fear of both failure and even success. It would suck to put a bunch of time and effort into something for it to flop or not be fun, but it would also be insane if it took off for some reason and then you have to keep up with that.

I’ve always wanted to do things to help people deal with their mental health, but I also feel like I am not in a position to help people when I’m still learning how to help myself. Humor and making people laugh can also help those give a relief of pain for a while, so maybe we should just start with reaction videos.

Another thing is I’ve always enjoyed singing, but not many people have heard me sing. I have thought about singing and posting that too, but also I’m hesitant. A part of me wants to re-download tik tok because simple one minute or less videos sounds much easier and quicker, but I also feel like I will waste a bunch of time scrolling.

I don’t know I just feel motivated, but also not because I’m clearly not focused and don’t know exactly what I want to do. I just need to do something!

Father’s day

Father’s day has never been my favorite. I never feel like I can say that since I know there are people out there who have lost their dads, and I also know there are people who are close with their dads who are still here. My dad and I have an improved relationship now that I have been out of the house for about six years now, but it’s still not my favorite.

I do love my dad, but I cannot say that I really like him entirely. I’d like to say I have forgiven him for what he’s done in the past, but that’s probably a lie and I definitely haven’t forgotten. I don’t sit and dwell on the past anymore like I used to, but I also won’t pretend that my dad was a great parent.

Apparently in my younger years he was very involved and happy to be around me, but once I turned seven everything changed. My dad’s cousin brought us a computer for my seventh birthday, and although it was for me, my dad said it was for him. I was able to use the computer sometimes, but for the most part my dad got lost in music and MySpace. When he’d get home from work, he’d go right to the computer and stay there for the remainder of the evening.

Another thing that happened was my grandpa (mom’s dad) died when I was seven. This sent my mom spiraling into alcoholism which my dad willingly followed her. My parents drank every single night, and although this was to “help my mom sleep,” instead it left me with restless nights of listening to their drunken rages against each other. The weekends were always worse because the drinking started earlier.

I’m now twenty-five, and they still drink every night. Luckily I moved out at 19, and it took time to stop the obsessive worrying about if my mom was okay or not, but now I know it is not my problem and there is nothing I can do about it. People will only change if they want to. Not once have they tried to get sober, and I hope they realize that this will have quite an effect on them once I decide to have children, because I cannot trust them to watch my child with their alcohol addiction.

Recently during a phone conversation, my mom tried to tell me that my dad “was nice for the most part,” to which I simply told her that was not true. I reminded her of the time where during an argument my dad screamed at me and said “who pays for the health insurance that you’re about to need if you don’t shut the f*ck up.” Of course she didn’t remember this (as they both are always drunk) and started apologizing. The intention was not to guilt trip, I was simply stating a fact.

Just because I have grown up and done well with my life, doesn’t mean that we can just pretend the traumatic shit that happened didn’t happen. Yes, I have moved on and the relationships have been civil, however that does not erase history. I don’t really prefer to talk about what happened with my parents, because my dad lives in denial and my mom lives in guilt; it’s not worth having a conversation over.

Despite everything I have been through, I did see my dad for father’s day, and I also gave him a gift that I made him which he appreciated. I do wish that he would do some self-reflection and realize what he did and how he needs to change, but at the same time it’s not my problem.

Monday Motivation

I’m happy to be writing this today in a much better state of mind than I was in the last post. I am taking my duloxetine prescription every other day right now, and I added in daily B6, B12 and Magnesium supplements that were recommended by my therapist. I’m planning to go on a walk after this post and soak up the sun and just pay attention to the beautiful world around me. My therapist recommended that I work my stresses/anger out with meditation and working out, which is something I have been meaning to start doing but haven’t actually done.

In a way, I think me coming off my medication and realizing how NOT okay I am has been a great thing! I thought I was making so much progress, and although it was a hard pill to swallow when I realized that I hadn’t, it is better to know now so I can do the work that is needed. I may add another therapist into the mix, as my current therapist is extremely busy, but I also am thinking about seeing someone who is more holistic in practice. It can be nice to get different viewpoints and advice, and I also know I don’t want to be on any more medications so if I can avoid that I will.

I am also looking at self-help books and podcasts, as I feel like the more I immerse myself in healing and learning about how to deal with anxiety, the better I can help myself. Us humans have been living in a social media world for decades at this point; we constantly are scrolling and absorbing post after post, switching from angry to sad to happy and I am sure this has some effects on mental health. I downloaded all of my data and deactivated my Facebook last week, and I am proud of myself for cutting that off as it truly was an addiction. I already have noticed a positive difference in how I feel and how I use my time.

I keep saying I am going to write more, and I will. This is going to help me with my healing and will keep me focused on the goal. If I find myself scrolling, I will work on redirecting myself to writing, reading, meditating, or getting some exercise. All I want is to be able to truly love myself, and in order to do so I have to actively practice self-love. I know I am not perfect, and I will not do this all the time, but as along as I remind myself how important this is and keep coming back to it, I will make progress.

Calm and content.

Well it’s Tuesday at 11:08pm and I just remembered that I still hadn’t posted here yet. I’d like to say I’ve been busy and motivated, which I guess is somewhat true, but also I feel like I haven’t been doing anything. I mean I’ve been working and then just hanging with my boyfriend. We did grab lunch with a couple friends on Sunday which was nice.

I’ve been enjoying my time with my boyfriend, and we actually went looking at rings over the weekend to give him some ideas (his suggestion)! I am so happy to be spending my life with him, and although I’m excited for the proposal, I don’t want to know anything about it. I don’t care where it is, who is there, if it’s photographed or not… I just want it to be a surprise.

He had asked me recently if I wanted the proposal to be in front of people or if I wanted it to be just us and I told him I didn’t care. I honestly feel like it being just us makes the most sense, I mean we are each other’s best friend and it’s always just us two, but again I won’t care either way.

I’ve kind of enjoyed just slowing down a bit this past week and moving into this week. It gives me time to appreciate things a bit more as I feel like I can take time to observe and take everything in. I am seeing my therapist this Friday and I honestly am excited, because I feel like I’m in a good headspace so we can start digging into more parts of my brain.

I’m getting tired as I type this, so I’ll close this off. I honestly was planning to write more, but I didn’t even make my weekly Sunday post this week sooooo no promises.