Oh 2020…

This year has been a running joke for everyone. Nothing seems to be going right and the phrase “when it rains, it pours” is quite fitting as the theme of this year. We really all need to give ourselves a round of applause if we have made it this far.

After much debating and receiving a decent work bonus, I finally was able to purchase my Cricut Explore Air 2 Everything Bundle! Before that I paid off my credit card (again) and was feeling much more stable about finances and then… the furnace went out! Now my boyfriend and I have to drop $3500+ for a new furnace which of course isn’t ideal… but luckily for us he was just offered a promotion at work and he is receiving a pretty significant raise.

The past couple weeks at work have been hella stressful and overwhelming as the manager is training a bunch of new people so we are short-staffed at the front desk while she’s doing that. Not to mention we’re super busy so we’ve been falling so behind on scanning/prior authorizations etc. So in general I’ve been more on edge and irritable so when the furnace went out I was honestly quite livid. I just got angry and upset and I cried and it just felt like too much was going on.

After sitting and talking with my boyfriend about our options and getting a plan together, I am feeling much better and am just grateful that we have each other and that we’ve worked hard so we are able to do certain things when needed. We are We have to remember to count our blessings and try to focus on the good things. We have a roof over our heads, we are able to feed ourselves, we have clean running water… these are all wonderful things that are a privilege to have.

2020 has been quite a test on everyone, and it’s not over yet… but let’s try to take some good lessons out of this insane year. Your mindset is powerful, and even if you have to “fake it ‘til you make it,” it is important that we try to keep a positive mindset during these troublesome times. Our mind is powerful.

Looking inward

I read a quote that said something along the lines of the best way to get out of the chaos is to look inward. We forget how powerful our minds are as humans, and as hard as the pill may be to swallow, a lot of our obstacles and issues do boil down to ourselves and how we perceive and react to situations.

Once we accept the fact that we have more control over our minds and bodies than we think, we can begin to start the work. Mind you, we’re all humans. We are capable of having our minds and opinions changed, and we are also likely to make mistakes along the way, but as long as we remember our end goal we can bring ourselves back.

I’m always much more motivated on the weekend, which I guess is because I have more time to do things, but also I could do more during the work week if I schedule out the time to do so. I keep saying I want to go to the gym, but I only ever do it on the weekends, as I am too tired after work and haven’t been able to motivate myself enough to go before work.

I have an issue with changing plans/routines and until I take the first step I am constantly delaying my own progress. I haven’t gone to the gym before work yet as I need to make sure I figure out timing to be able to get back home and shower before I leave for work. In reality it is not a hard task, and honestly I’ve calculated the timing already, it’s just forcing myself to get up to that earlier alarm to do something that will benefit me.

Granted, sleep/rest is beneficial as well, but I am typically in bed by 10:00pm or 11:00pm latest so even getting up at 7:00am I get my full eight hours of sleep. I just always feel uneasy when doing something different or “off schedule,” and that has been an issue of mine for as long as I can remember. I need to continue working on these issues in order for me to improve and live the fullest life I can live.

Social media break

I’ve decided to take some time away from Facebook and Twitter, as the constant hatred is disheartening to watch and absorb, and I refuse to become bitter like most the people I see on the internet. I have control over what I take in and what I do with my time, and lately I’ve been feeling like social media has been a waste of time.

I love the idea of keeping in touch with old friends and distant family, but when people are constantly putting down others for having different opinions or views it makes you wonder if it’s really worth it. I’ve found myself “muting” and “unfollowing” many people’s feeds because the never ending negativity is becoming too much.

I appreciate productive, respectful conversations and I feel that we as humans can accomplish so much more when we listen to each other and try to learn from one another, rather than listening to speak and in hopes to “win” the conversation or argument. It just seems lately that has been hard to find in my social media bubbles.

I want to take this time to look inward and work on myself, as everyone can make improvements.

November

As we get closer and closer to the end of the year, I can’t help but realize all the stuff I didn’t do and could have been doing during the quarantine periods. Then again, I was lucky enough to be able to continue working full-time so it’s not like I magically had more time on my hands rather than the lack of social life.

I am not going to use this time to sulk and think about what I could have done, instead I want to focus on what I can do now and what I want to work on. As I had said in my last post I am thinking about investing in a cricut and dedicating time to crafts and projects. Ideally I would like to be able to eventually profit off of the products I make, but at the same time I am just looking forward to being able to make friends and family personalized gifts.

I don’t want to get too overwhelmed with everything so I am trying to plan out what I can and I’ve been writing notes with ideas of what I want to do; if I can keep organized that will make this much easier overall, plus I always feel better when things are in some sort of order.

I’m working hard to focus on me and what I can do for present and future self, and this also includes fitness. I really want to make sure I get to the gym more and/or work out at home more as there’s no excuses with the time that we have. I want to be more toned and fit and the only way to improve that is to start working on it.

On that note I’m gonna get myself out of this bed and I’m going to do some stretching before I head off to work.

Another day

Happy Monday! I am writing this from the break room at work as I was very busy yesterday and was too exhausted to post last night. This morning I was organizing ordering the bridesmaids dresses for my friends wedding in March as I am maid of honor, so that is why I didn’t post this morning.

Life has been busy which is good. I’m finally getting my car fixed after it was hit in July, so I’m driving around a 2020 Nissan Altima as my rental car for now. It’s a nice car but I definitely prefer my 2020 Sonata, which I should have back this week! My friend visited from WI this weekend and we went out to the bar which was nice and normal feeling.

Yesterday my friend had a “drive-by” baby shower as times are weird, but honestly I prefer those for baby showers because then you don’t have to sit there for hours watching them open all the gifts LOL. I feel like even when all this is over I’d prefer to do a drive-by baby shower in the future.

Speaking of which, my boyfriend and I revisited our plans/goals and we are going to try to start having children in a couple of years. We do still want to be married first, and we are currently not engaged, but our wedding plan is to elope in Aruba and we’ve already looked into a lot of it, so we are thinking the planning shouldn’t be too bad.

For the next couple years I plan to continue to work on my mental health. I am planning to wean off of my Cymbalta come Spring as I don’t want to risk coming off right into the winter months, but I’d like to not be on any prescriptions during pregnancy even if they are deemed to be “safe.” I’m still practicing the art of calmness and patience, and I know I will be doing that for the rest of my life, but I want to really dive into that over the next couple years to help prepare for motherhood.

Any tips/tricks/advice would be helpful! I love yoga but have been lacking at practicing, and I want to try meditation again as I feel like I’m at a better place now mentally that I was when I tried it before. I will keep you posted on that!

Early Sunday Morning

This morning I was wide awake at 7am, and I went to bed after midnight so I am not entirely sure why, but I used this morning to put together a little lame crafty card for a friend as I feel she may need a pick me up. I’m terrible about reaching out to friends lately, but I’m trying to get better.

Fall has arrived which makes me very happy! I already started decorating the house because I think it will help prevent me from falling into my seasonal depression at least for now, as I’m not trying to mix together my pandemic depression and my seasonal depression; I mean I can only handle so much.

I feel that I’ve been able to do a lot of self-reflecting during this year and I honestly do feel like I’ve learned a lot about myself and I am really trying to be more grateful and express more love to those who are important to me. Life is so short and our time is never guaranteed, and I am trying to apply that to everyday life, but in a healthy way, not an anxious way.

Today I am hoping to pick up a good book or two from Barnes and Noble, and very likely a nice candle from Bath & Body Works. I can’t spend too much money right now so I have to keep that in mind when I go, but I really want to find a book on Empaths. I’m not looking for one in particular but rather seeing if any look interesting and/or beneficial to me.

Maybe I’ll post later with an update, but until that possible “later” I want to share a peak into my spooky house!

Self-care weekend

Yesterday was such a nice day, and it’s because I actually took time to do things that I like, and I was able to spend a lot of time with my boyfriend. Yesterday I was productive around the house in the aspect of doing laundry, dishes and taking out the garbage; then I decided to do some yoga.

Yesterday I even went on a walk in the rain because I wanted to go on a walk and was tired of being indoors. It’s been raining for the past week and it’s been exhausting, but I didn’t want to let that stop me. It was only sprinkling when I left for my walk, but at different points throughout the park it was raining pretty steadily. Nonetheless it was still really nice outside.

It’s 12:28pm right now and the sun is finally shining today!! I already went on my walk (my walk is about 2 miles according to my phone tracking me LOL). I also made myself some breakfast as I did yesterday. My go-to is two eggs over-easy/medium, bacon, and toast. I typically will drink orange juice with it if I have it, which I did today!

My boyfriend should be home soon from his personal training session so I’m going to ask him if he wants to get a late lunch later from one of our local sports bars because I kinda feel like putting on makeup and getting “dressed up” (aka maybe jeans instead of leggings/biker shorts LOL).

I hope everyone has a wonderful Sunday and finds time to do something that brings pure joy!

Wandering

I feel like my mind is constantly wandering trying to find new interests and hobbies. I feel like even though I didn’t do much before quarantine, I need to do things now to keep me going. But at the same time, I feel such a lack of motivation because I always give up on everything that I try. I never stick with anything and it drives me insane (especially because I know I’m the only one who can change that).

To be honest I need to give myself a little credit, because both Yesterday and Saturday I did at-home workouts. And then today I went on not one, but two walks! I told myself I wanted to work our more so I actually started doing something about it. I just really know myself and I know how I always give up on things, so I’m hoping I can get passed that somehow this time around.

I want to start writing poetry again, but I haven’t felt motivated or inspired lately. I sometimes wonder if taking anxiety medication hinders my ability to write because I always loved writing when I was in a bad state of mine (aka high anxiety or depression). My anxiety medication has definitely helped me a lot, but I hope to one day come off of it.

Bring on September

I feel like August flew by so quickly, then again this whole year has felt like one huge blur so far. All the days seem mixed together and I have been so unmotivated. Luckily I have had a couple fun and busy weekends these last two weeks so I feel like it’s bringing me back, so I am ready to see what September brings!

I know September brings my best friends birthday, and one of my other good friends has her bridal shower shortly after that. Part of me doesn’t like being so busy and having to spend all this money at once, but also I need to live my life and I want to spend time with my good friends who make me happy!

I hope September brings good news and happy times for everyone; I feel like we all need it.

Self-reflecting

Something that I struggle with is staying motivated, and I’ve been feeling down about it lately. I also am upset with myself for my lack of hobbies/passions. I know that I have this blog, and I am proud of that, but there’s so much more that I want to be doing with my writing- I’m just not motivated.

I get mad at myself for being tired and for just laying in bed watching pointless tv, yet I have no desire to get up and work on bettering myself. I know life is hard right now for everyone with everything that’s going on in the world, and I’m sure I’m not the only person feeling this way, but that doesn’t make it any better because I am feeling everyone else’s depression.

I am a human, I am allowed to feel emotions, and I am still working on being able to differentiate the emotions of others; I need to stop being hard on myself. I mean, here I am writing again (even though I missed my regularly scheduled post) and I deserve to be proud of myself.