Short Sunday Post

I have been doing a lot of reflecting on both myself and my friendships. I am so blessed to have so many close friends who are all so different from one another, and I too am still able to be myself with all of them.

As I grow older and move away from my people-pleasing tendencies, I am trying to be more mindful of how I listen to others as well as how I speak to them. I am coming to a point in my life where I find boundaries and honesty to be super important, and I am making sure that I speak my truth while being mindful of the other person’s emotions.

I used to silence myself and avoid saying anything that I felt could be confrontational or anything that could come off offensive, but as I grow up I am realizing that you’ll never be able to please everyone, but it is important that you’re always true to yourself. What matters is the intention behind your words and actions, and that you’re proud of your own choices/decisions.

I know that I am the only one who is guaranteed to be with me up until my dying day, so it is important that I honor myself and speak my truth while I’m here breathing. I know my intentions and goals, and if I continue to keep quiet, then I’ll never reach any goals.

Looking In

I’ve been slacking on the writing again. I guess not technically because I have written a few small poems as I recently started a new, anonymous instagram account. My period was super late this month so I was feeling not the greatest and felt so tired, but now I’m on the upswing! I took a few of the photos I posted on this blog and wrote poems over them, which is something I always had wanted to do, so I am excited to be trying that out.

I am working hard on talking to myself and thinking through feelings. I have been having issues with someone in my life that I unfortunately cannot avoid currently, and I am trying my best to not give that person my energy, but I keep finding myself so bothered.

I try to remind myself that we are all humans who have our own issues and traumas, and it’s not up to me to determine how someone should act or treat others, all I can do is focus on how I treat others and how I react. I don’t want anyone to ruin my good mood or healing, so I won’t let them! I will continue to pinpoint my trigger and work through it internally and hopefully I will be able to tolerate this person more over time.

I hope everyone has a good upcoming weekend!

Being Intentional

Today is back to work after enjoying a long weekend, and I am looking forward to the week ahead! I definitely feel tired today, but I know that once I come home I can relax and do what I want to do with my time. I got to see my parents as well as a couple friends during my time off, and I am planning to see another friend during the week, and I am going to visit someone else this upcoming Sunday!

I know I didn’t really write about it here, but mid August I found out that one of my previous coworkers passed away during childbirth. Death is always hardest for me, and I always find myself questioning so many things and my anxiety always spikes. This time around I really tried to dig into my emotions and lay low, and even though her and I were not close or friends by any means, it still affected me.

I was feeling guilty for being sad, mainly because she wasn’t always my favorite person, but at the same time I would never wish death upon anyone and I couldn’t stop thinking about her family and children she was leaving behind. It kept reminding me that death truly is the only guarantee in life, and the only thing we can really do about that is be intentional with our time.

We can do our best to spend time with the people we love, so I am trying to make a more conscious effort to at least message friends more, if not see them in person. It’s also important that I do what I want in life, because I have no idea when I will pass on! When you think about it, we should truly be living like every day is our last. I mean I wouldn’t recommend taking out thousands of dollars of loans to go on an extended vacation in Greece (as tempting as that sounds), but if you always say you want to do more of something, start doing that thing!

For me, I always say I want to read more and write more, and this year I have been doing much more of those two things, but I can still do more! If I plan to fulfill my dream of writing a book, those are both things I should be investing my time into. I also say I want to be more mindful about my eating and overall health, so it is time that I start paying more attention to that.

Small, daily habits are what truly matter, and it’s important that you schedule some time for yourself. Whether it’s five or ten minutes to meditate, twenty minutes to read, or thirty for a workout, all of that time adds up over your life. Imagine how many days/weeks of our lives we have spent scrolling through online content, watching endless TikToks and reels- is any of that truly important? For some, that answer is yes, and that’s okay! For others, they are annoyed with how much time they spend on social media.

Everyone has different interests, but what matters is that you do what is important to you, and you live life intentionally for yourself. If you are constantly living for others, it becomes easy to lose yourself and go down a path you didn’t necessarily want. Life is always too short, so take some time to check in with yourself and start doing more of what you want to do!

Celebrate Yourself

Today is Friday and I am so excited for the weekend! My boyfriend and I are attending a friend’s wedding tomorrow, but other than that I am free to relax and take some time for myself. After how busy last weekend was for me, I am happy to be able to slow it down a bit while still having the opportunity to see friends and have a good time!

I was doing a bit of reflecting yesterday and I am honestly so proud of how far I have come on my mental health journey; I was thinking about how I was when I first moved out with my boyfriend and it truly feels like night and day. I still have plenty of work to do, but now it doesn’t feel so daunting and impossible!

When I first removed myself from an environment of constant chaos and unpredictability, my body didn’t even know how to handle the calm, peaceful life I was entering. My nervous system was stuck in a state of turmoil and I always felt like my mind was racing and I was running with it! I could never sit still and relax, instead I’d hyper focus on tasks that “needed to be completed,” and I’d feel out of control if I ever took a minute to breathe.

I still have days where it’s hard for me to sit down and unwind, but now my boyfriend and I both have learned how to handle it better. For example, earlier in the week was rough for me- I was starting my period and this time around my hormones felt super out of whack and I was feeling depressed. I honestly haven’t felt that low in quite a while, but instead of giving into that feeling, I was able to remind myself that this is temporary and has a lot to do with my cycle. I didn’t sit and think that I was going to be depressed forever, and I didn’t give myself a hard time for it.

I had told my boyfriend that I was going on a walk, which he encouraged, but I kept stalling and saying that I had things to do around the house and he could tell I was feeling anxious and overwhelmed. He looked at me and said “you need to go on your walk, and only think about your walk while you’re on your walk.” He was right, and I knew that already but just hearing it from him and out loud was something that I needed. I ended up going on my walk and I felt so much better when I came home. I cleaned up what I needed to, I showered, and then he helped me cut up veggies for the big salad I was making for the week.

It’s incredible how much of an impact that walk had on me, and I understand why everything I read and listen to about mental health says it is important to move your body every day. For me, just walking for 30-40 minutes made life feel so much more bearable, and it was nice to take some time to myself.

I feel so very blessed every day to have a wonderful man by my side who has grown with me over the years, who has learned how I operate and how to help me when I am struggling, and who loves me every step of the way. I used to feel like my brain was on fire and I was such a raging b*tch to him even when I didn’t want to be, and I knew he didn’t deserve it which made me hate myself/my brain quite a bit.

Lucky for me, he always saw the real me underneath all of the anxiety; and now I can finally see me as well. I am forgiving myself for past mistakes as I now understand why I was the way I was, and my goal is to continue healing and keeping this relationship strong, as I know we will have a solid foundation for our future together and our future as parents. That is still a couple years down the road, but that just gives me more time to work on myself!

Make sure you take time to look at who you were five years ago and then look where you are today; we all love to hate on ourselves and feel like we aren’t moving forward, but it’s a much nicer habit to celebrate yourself! Look at how you handle certain situations compared to how your past self would! Give yourself credit where it is due, and make a plan for the things you still want to work on. You deserve a happy life!

New Week, New Start

I decided to try out a new morning routine today. I am sitting at my kitchen table with a cup of coffee, water and my notebook. I wrote a bit in my journal, and now I am typing this on my phone as I left my laptop in the other room where my boyfriend is sleeping, and I figure this will be a relatively short post anyways as it’s about time for my stretching/workout!

I kept saying I wanted to start a new morning routine, but last week every time my alarm went off I just felt like I needed more sleep and hit that snooze button. I was also recovering from covid so I wanted to give my body the rest it needed. Now that I am finally feeling myself again, I made sure to push through the urge to snooze and got my ass up. I am not married to this set routine, but I have to start experimenting to see what works best for me!

I can already feel that this is going to be a good week! I am excited for what is to come, and to see how I feel after implementing this new plan! My intentions for the week are to stay focused on my current goals and stay positive! I hope everyone has a great week ahead!

morning views.

Leo Season

I go back and forth between dabbling in the idea of astrology and horoscopes; it can be really fun looking for insight, even if the messages are vague and couple apply to many other people. Since I am a Leo and my birthday is in less than two weeks, I am deciding to be extra this month and celebrate myself during this season!

In reality I have been growing more confidence in myself and my choices, and I’m using this time to really explore this part of me and see where I can go! I know I love writing, so I am trying to write more! I also enjoy reading and podcasts, so I have also been making sure to take more time for those activities. I also decided that if I want to go swimming or roller blading and no one wants to go, I’m just going to do it anyways!

For the longest time I wouldn’t do things alone, mainly out of paranoia as I grew up in a home with helicopter parents and a mom who was obsessed with “The First 48” and “Nancy Grace,” but I also would worry about what others around me were thinking. But just as I don’t care what others around me are doing with their lives, they don’t care about mine! Strangers watching an almost 27-year-old roller blading alone at a rink may think I am being a child or may make an initial judgment, but who cares?

Well, apparently I did for the longest time, but I am realizing now that if you are living your life for other people, your life is not yours. We have to focus on what makes us happy. We have to focus on what our needs are. We have to focus on what our inner child needs from us, whether it’s speaking to or doing activities that bring healing and joy. Do what feels innately right for you, because you deserve it! And per some of the astrology stuff I have read, now is the season for everyone to do this! Leo season just started yesterday (7/22), so it is just getting started!

Resting

I have been laying low the last few days as I’ve been having some health issues. I’m hoping today to see my primary care, but I am waiting on a call from their office. If I cannot see them, I’ll be going to immediate care or something because I am 99% sure I have a sinus/ear infection and I need some antibiotics.

Over the weekend I woke up with a nasty headache and it kinda lingered for a couple of days; it was hurting whenever I moved my eyes, and I can still feel the pressure if I look down. I also started having pain in my ears when I blow my nose, and I keep sweating a lot in my sleep. I had an on and off again low-grade fever and was off work Monday because I woke up with a fever. I was negative for covid thankfully, and I did work yesterday, but today is normally my scheduled day off so I’m going to use it to my advantage.

I often get really obsessive about really anything, so the problem when my health starts being weird is that I cannot stop googling my symptoms and freaking myself out. I know I’m going to be fine regardless, I just always have too many things going on at once. My hormones are all out of whack right now, so I’ve been super emotional and crying every day. Being sick also doesn’t help with that, because I always feel more emotional when I’m ill for whatever reason.

I took the whole day yesterday to just lay in bed; well, other than getting my covid test and a blood test one of my doctors ordered. I couldn’t help but feel guilty for not doing anything, even though I kept reminding myself that my body needs rest. Yesterday I felt a bit better, so after work I made sure to bring the garbage in, I emptied the dishwasher, cleaned the litter and started laundry. I threw a frozen pasta meal on the stove and was so proud of myself for getting everything done, even though I still was not feeling 100%.

When my boyfriend came home I was telling him how I got all this stuff done since I couldn’t do anything on Monday, and he just looked at me and said “You don’t feel well, you are supposed to rest. You don’t have to ‘make up for it,’ because resting is what you need to do. You shouldn’t feel guilty for that.”

I shouldn’t feel guilty for that… he’s right! And I knew he was right, because I had already had this battle in my head while I was laying in bed all day on Monday. I kept reminding myself that I have to listen to my body, and if we don’t take our rest days, our bodies will force us to take them.

Today I’m still gonna take it relatively easy, I just have a grocery pick up and hopefully I’ll just be able to see my regular doctor today instead of immediate care. I just want to feel myself again, so hopefully I will soon.

Another day, Another post

Today was my second Wednesday off after starting my new schedule! I got breakfast with a good friend for her birthday this morning, and once I was home I did some dishes and laundry. I made sure to get my groceries yesterday after work instead of today, so I had the whole day free to do whatever!

I listened to a few podcasts, went on a walk, and even was able to join Gabrielle Bernstein’s zoom call where she recorded an episode of “Dear Gabby!” I honestly almost chickened out, but I was so glad I didn’t! There were about 80 participants in the meeting, all of us could chat and we remained muted unless we were picked to ask her a question!

It was nice listening to other people and remembering that we are all truly so similar; imagine what we could accomplish if we’d just take the time to listen and have real conversations with others. I honestly even cried listening to her speak and answer questions, and again it was just happy tears feeling like I was where I was supposed to be!

Over the weekend I picked up a couple of Gabby’s books, one of which my mom was nice enough to get for me as an early birthday gift! We had gone out for breakfast together and went to the bookstore afterwards, and that’s where I picked up “Judgement Detox,” and then I found “Happy Days.” I was originally looking for “Happy Days,” so when I finally found it my mom said that would be my gift from her and my dad for my birthday, and I am so grateful!

I haven’t started them yet, as I am already currently reading two books, but I am ready to dedicate time to reading more again so I can move onto her books next! I have been feeling good lately and plan to keep it that way; I had to mute some accounts on instagram just to escape from some of the negativity and drama, and honestly I am proud of myself for setting that boundary.

For a while now I haven’t followed any news or radio shows, because I am tired of consuming tragedy after tragedy and feeling like everything I see is horrible. I’d rather feed my brain with positivity, growth, and happiness. I prefer to not be ignorant to the current events, but I can also seek information out on my own and try to find unbiased sources, rather than believing everything that people share on social media.

Social media definitely has major impacts on mental health (just google it), which is why I do my best to keep everything on my page positive and I like/save positive posts to help the algorithm share more of those things to my feed. We choose what we consume on a daily basis, make sure you pay attention to what you feed your brain.

Self-Care Sunday

I posted this photo on Instagram this morning and decided to share it here as well!

“self care means dedicating time to do the things that you love for yourself. self care means resting when your brain/body tells you that you need it. self care is deepening your awareness of your emotions and triggers, so you can be more in control of your own mindset. so many people will say they don’t have time for themselves, but this time is necessary. everyone deserves to be their best selves, not only for yourself, but for everyone around you. your partner deserves you at your best, your children deserve you at your best, and you deserve to feel you best. dedicate that time for yourself, because self care is NOT selfish, it is a necessity.”

Check in/Reflection

How am I feeling? I’ve been having some obnoxious PMS the past few days; the on and off nausea is what’s bothering me the most. I’ve been so irritable and emotional and my period is supposedly coming in a few days, so I’m hoping that all of this goes away. I was going to go out to the bars last night with some friends, but decided to stay in since drinking would definitely not help my nausea. I also have just been feeling like I want to be alone lately; I need to do some self-reflection.

I recently was thinking about how I wasn’t always the nicest person as a kid, and I still find myself being judgmental of others. I was super critical of myself when I was younger, and that also made me critical of those around me. As I’ve grown older and been on my self-love journey over the last couple of years, I’m realizing that when I am being judgmental of someone else, it’s because I am seeing something of myself in them.

Often times how we feel about others is a reflection of how we’re feeling about ourselves. For example, money is a huge trigger for me/my anxiety. A lot of my sense of worth and control is revolved around money, which is another thing I am working on. If I find myself being judgmental of how someone is spending their money, it’s because I have an issue/insecurity about myself and my money habits. What someone else does with their life is none of my business, I can only control myself and my mindset.

I also know that I am a very empathetic and understanding person; I can very easily put myself in someone else’s shoes and get an understanding of why they make the choices they do. It’s also helpful to realize that most people do have unresolved traumas and are the way they are because of that. We couldn’t control our childhood or how we were parented, but today we can control how we parent ourselves.

Diving into what we truly need and finding out how we can give that to ourselves is extremely important. I need loving, healthy relationships, whether with my boyfriend or with friends or family; I can no longer tolerate those who do not respect myself or my boundaries. I get to choose who I spend time with and who is in my life.

I need to feel healthy, and how I do that is try to get my body moving every day, even if it’s just a bit of stretching. I try to balance making sure I get my veggies and fruits in everyday, as well as protein, but I could definitely be better at that. That is something I can try to spend more time/effort on so I feel that I’m living true to my values.

I need to feel knowledgeable, and I have been listening to podcasts more recently as well as reading! I was on a good streak for reading but kind of slowed down within the lag couple months. If I dedicate time to get back into reading, I will feel more fulfilled as I know one of my goals is to write a book one day, and this will definitely be helpful in getting me there. The more books I read, the more knowledge I’ll have and be able to apply to my life and maybe even my first book!

I enjoy experiences, but I also like to do so on a budget. I could look into more local free events and see if friends want to attend, or maybe even just go alone. An experience can really be anything; going to a farmers market, checking out the local library, walking on a new trail… there are truly endless options. Something I could do is set a goal to do at least one new experience a month, and if I want to increase frequency, I can!

I want to heal my traumas and learn how to manage stress and my emotions. I still see my therapist every once in a while, and I make it a point to listen to healing podcasts and follow self-love accounts on instagram, but I know there is more I can do. Writing this blog post is something that is so important, because it is allowing me to talk to myself and figure out my true wants/needs.

I think we all have an idea of what we want, but when we look deeper we find that we aren’t really living a lifestyle that is in alignment with our desires. I want to live a life that is in alignment with my values, and I feel like I am already doing this! However, I also feel that I can dedicate more time to myself and my desires, and I deserve that. We all deserve to live our best lives as our best selves!