New Week

Started off my Monday back in the gym! I took a couple weeks off just dealing with sunburn and fatigue, but I’m feeling good today! I got to hang with my best friend yesterday, we went out to breakfast and then took her son to the petting zoo and park! Last night my boyfriend also dyed my hair dark for me, which I am loving!! He has to touch up a couple spots today, but overall he did a great job as usual!

This week I want to focus on working out, going on walks, reading and listening to podcasts where I can. I’ve also been non-stop listening to the Russ playlist I made that has his whole setlist on it as we get to see him this Friday! I’m so excited to go to a concert after literally years of not being to any, and I’m even more excited that I get to go with my boyfriend!

Overall I feel like this will be a good week, and I hope it goes well for all of you as well!

Is it what it is

I’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed by life this past week; it has a lot to do with my PMS and lack of sleep, but also just unexpected life stuff. I had a conversation with myself out loud in my car last night trying to get to the root of everything, and I am realizing I still have a lot of guilty feelings and am still very hard on myself.

I have to constantly remind myself that I am allowed to relax and take breaks, and that am a human being who is allowed to have emotions. Life gets stressful, and we don’t have control over much that happens, but I can control how I react and respond to situations. I can also look inward and ask myself questions to try to help myself move forward and understand myself more.

We all have bad days, but that doesn’t mean we have bad lives. Focusing on my blessings and practicing gratitude is what is helping me through these situations, and although it’s a struggle sometimes, I am proud of myself for truly trying to make it a habit to think more positively, no matter the situation. I don’t spiral out of control like I used to, which is progress in and of itself.

I hope everyone else is surviving this week!

Some Stress

Well today was an interesting day to say the least, however I want to start off this post with saying how grateful I am to have such a wonderful man in my life who knows how to help me when I’m having anxiety. I am also blessed that he’s so calm and knows how to fix things (or can learn quickly from youtube), and that we are able to afford to fix things when they break.

This morning our hot water tank went out, so we had to purchase one of those and are going to be installing that here shortly. I did originally start to get upset and irritable because I started having money fears as I usually do. I had no clue how much it would be to fix and I started feeling my brain start spiraling down into how we will just always have more and more expenses coming up.

Luckily I was able to calm down when my boyfriend said he wasn’t worried about it, and I was able to remind myself that we can only take it day by day, and today we need to solve this issue. We were happy to find out that the water tank was on the lower end of the price scale, and if we can install it then we don’t have that expense of labor to pay! We are lucky to live in a time where we have access to instant information at our fingertips.

I was still able to see my mom today for Mother’s Day, which was nice. We were able to go for a walk and I helped her by going with her to the grocery store. Unfortunately she is drinking more alcohol again which of course was not what I wanted to hear, but it is what it is and unfortunately there’s not much I can do. It’s her life, she will do what she wants and I cannot take on any responsibility or feelings of guilt for that. All so can do is wish her well and be grateful for our current time together.

She also shared some other not-so-great family updates with me, so I’d say today was filled with a lot of negative emotion and energy. I have been reminding myself of what I can control and also reminding myself that spending time on negative energy and spending time worrying will not improve my current situation. However, focusing on gratitude and what I can control will help me.

It’s helpful that I feel like I am able to slow down my thoughts now and truly calm down before having outbursts of anger; I can tell I still have work to do, but it’s much more bearable now. I am grateful for the progress I’ve been able to make with my mental health, and I know I can only get better from here!

Vacation

I’m so ready to leave for vacation on Thursday! I’m going on a girls trip with one of my best friends and then a few of her friends down to North Carolina! We are going to be spending time on the beach, hanging out at the condo, and really just relaxing!

I’m excited to escape work for a bit and just enjoy life and the beach; I always feel so at peace when I am listening to the ocean waves. I would absolutely love to live by the ocean one day, and for just a long weekend I will be, so I’m going to live it up!

Until then I’m just trying to get ahead at work so it’s easy for the rest of my team when I leave. Since I have a higher workload than some of the other coworkers, luckily my boss understands if I can’t get super far ahead and she will work on my stuff while I’m gone! I don’t plan to think about work at all while I’m gone, but I definitely will be missing my boyfriend who will be at home with the cats!

I used to have a real hard time being away from my boyfriend for even a couple days, but after taking a few short vacations without him, it luckily isn’t as unbearable. I usually send him photos that I take on vacation and we will try to call/FaceTime every night or every other night; but overall I get to enjoy my time with my friends and he gets to enjoy his video games and coding without me bothering him (LOL).

I’m just praying for a safe flight without any delays, because this is my first time flying solo with layovers, and it’s not in my plans to miss any connecting flights! I keep reminding myself that things will happen as they should, and everything will be okay. I’m planning to read and listen to podcasts while on flights/waiting in the airport, which should help make the time go by fast! Overall I’m excited and can’t wait to see my bff!

Good Start

I went to the gym this morning!! I am extremely proud of myself as I have never gone before work and I was having some anxiety about it; luckily everything worked out (LOL, get it? 😂) and here I am in the parking lot of my job with a little extra time to type this out!

I have been wanting to start going to the gym in the mornings all week; I was going to start on Monday, but then I used the random snowfall that happened as an excuse not to go. By Tuesday I gave up because I was already having anxiety and losing sleep thinking that I wouldn’t wake up in time to go or I’d be late to work.

I was having my anxious dreams like I used to have where I’m running late for work, or I go to the wrong office and can’t get a hold of anyone. As a kid I’d often dream that I missed the bus or I was late to class- I’ve always had anxiety about time and being late, but I’m not sure where it stems from. But today I overcame a fear and I feel so much better about it!

I am going to start going to the gym four days a week in the mornings before work, and I feel that this will make me feel a lot better as I’ll start my days early doing something for myself! I’m excited to see where this journey takes me!

I hope everyone has a great Thursday!

Easter Weekend

Happy Easter to all who celebrate! I am not religious at this point in my life, nor do I have children to hide eggs from or to make baskets for, so this year is very low-key, yet still enjoyable! I won’t lie though, this morning was a rough one for me, but I am definitely proud of myself for not letting it ruin the entire day like I would have in the past.

This morning I woke up at 2am to terrible nausea and cramping- to my not-so-surprise, lovely mother nature was here to pay me a visit. I dealt with that and curled up with my heating pad for a while before shifting it to my lower back, and I fell back asleep.

When I got back up around 8:30-9ish I decided I wanted to take a shower. I got a haircut yesterday and the stylist put a lot of product in my hair to keep my curls looking nice, but it felt like a lot of residue was just sitting on my hair so I was ready to rinse it all out. I brushed out my curls and went to start my shower, and when I turned the nozzle nothing happened.

I messed with it a couple more times and then told my boyfriend that it was not working. Of course my anxiety decides to set in, and coupled with my hormones I already felt myself starting to get worked up. Luckily my boyfriend just grabbed a screw driver and was able to fix it; we were able to turn it on and off with no issues!

I quickly got into the shower and washed all the build-up out of my hair and then scrubbed it all off my body; I felt so clean and refreshed running my fingers through my clean, healthy hair. Once the water was all running clear and I was rinsed off I went to turn off the shower and the water wouldn’t shut off.

Now I feel the spike of anxiety in my chest again and I yell to my boyfriend “babe! now the water won’t turn off!” I quickly get out and have him go in and once again, he was able to fix it. We discovered that part of the plastic nozzle had broken on the inside, which is why we were having so much trouble. He removed that and used pliers to shut off the water, and we added a new shower nozzle to our Walmart list for today.

After I got dressed I decided to do a Dunkin’ run for us as I really wanted some iced coffee, and honestly I was using it as a pick me up for the shitty morning I was having. I left and got our coffees, and while I’m driving home I go to sip my iced coffee and all of a sudden I just feel liquid start spilling down my chest, shirt and pants- iced coffee was dripping from the lid all onto my new tank top.

I was driving so I wasn’t trying to get into an accident or make things worse than they were, so I kept driving home and when I was able to stop at a stop sign I grabbed napkins from my glove compartment and began go wipe the coffee off of me. I got home and when I got inside I set the coffees on the floor so I could get situation to go upstairs, and of course I then knocked over my iced coffee and spilled some onto the floor.

At this point I felt myself having psychical symptoms of anger; when I used to get panic attacks they often made me feel like I just needed to scratch myself or stretch or shake; it’s hard to deceive but it’s likely I could feel the rage/anxiety rushing threw all of my veins and pores, just bringing me to a boiling point. I felt this happening and decided to take a couple deep breaths.

With my head feeling a bit more clear, I went upstairs to get paper towels, went back down to clean up my mess, and proceeded to bring our coffees upstairs. I walked into our room and set our coffees down and said “the universe is testing me today,” and began to remove my coffee stained tank top. I changed into another shirt and plopped my body back on the bed and proceeded to just let the tears well up and stream down my cheeks.

I started talking to myself in my head- asking why I was so upset, and reminding myself that I am okay. I still had coffee, I still have other clothes that are not stained with coffee, my shower is fixable, and there is still so much left in the day where this doesn’t have to be a bad day. After a lot of discussion within myself and deep breaths, I finally stopped crying and sat up and decided to take on the rest of the day.

In the past, I would have let these string of events ruin my entire day and I would have spent so much time feeling bad and guilty about it. Instead, I took time to acknowledge how I was feeling and reminded myself of what I should be grateful for and got back up and ready to go! My boyfriend and I had a good rest of the day! We went to Walmart to get stuff that we needed, and I did a dread detox and re-twist for him! Overall it was a pretty good Easter!

Luck

When I was in high school, I would often win concert tickets off the radio. My friends would ask me if I was somehow cheating to get these tickets, but truly I’d just plan my days around when tickets were being given out! I’d set reminders/alarms in my phone, and I’d make sure if I was at home to use my parents home phone along with my cellphone (landlines always go through faster for me, and is how I won most of these tickets).

In the past I won tickets to Kanye, Mikey Cyrus, Kid Cudi, Bryce Vine, and even front row Jingle Bash tickets one year! It’s been a little while since I’ve won any, granted covid has been a thing so shows really haven’t been going on, but this weekend my luck struck again: Russ DM’d me on instagram giving me two tickets to his upcoming show in Chicago!

Now, I honestly couldn’t tell you if I was more excited to get a message from him or the fact that I’ll be getting to see him live, but wow was I jumping around like a little kid jacked up on sugar LOL. The nice thing is that my boyfriend also listens to him and likes his music, so we will get to enjoy the show together!

What is super ironic about this whole thing is that I’ve been on a self-care journey for quite a while now, and I’m learning a lot about manifesting and gratitude. My coworker had actually recommended Russ’ book “It’s All In Your Head” to me a while back and she sent me his digital book via email. Well on Saturday morning my friend was over and was still asleep, so I decided to take that time to read the rest of his book on my phone, and I was completely inspired by it!

When my friend woke up I was telling her about some of the stuff I read (I’ve attached an excerpt from the book on here as I had shared it to my instagram page), and was just reflecting back on the book throughout the day! It was later in the afternoon when we were back at my house and I saw Russ had posted an instagram story “2 min ago” and he was talking about giving out tickets to fans as he had been all week. I immediately messaged him in hopes that he’d see it, and within a couple more minutes my wish was granted!

I am still honestly in shock that he DM’d me and that my boyfriend and I get to see him live, and I’m so very grateful as I’ve been missing concerts so much lately! It’s next month and it can’t come soon enough! Now I’m inspired to keep looking for more concerts and ticket giveaways!

I hope everyone had a great weekend and has a great week ahead! Sending you all love and positivity!

Growing

As I am growing, I am learning that I need to stop muting myself. What I mean by that is I often won’t say what I’m feeling in fear of hurting others, but in reality I know my intention behind my thoughts and I’m never trying to be malicious at all. People even often tell me how nice I am and how I’m great at talking to people, but I don’t always feel that way with the people closest to me.

I just saw this post that said “Let’s normalize asking questions for clarity, instead of moving based on the story you’ve created in your mind, which may not be true;” I feel like I want that from my friends, but how I can expect that when I don’t do it! I want to start vocalizing when I have questions or thoughts that come up, so that I don’t sit with them and ruin my own inner peace or growth.

For example, one of my good friends recently reached out and asked if she could express something without causing problems/drama, and of course I said yes. The conversation went well and we are good, but now I am the one who is wanting to express my feelings about it and I feel like a scared little kid who is avoiding confrontation.

I know that my feelings are valid and I also know I can express my thoughts without being an asshole, but at the same time I never know how people will react and that is what gives me the anxiety. I would hate to unintentionally make someone upset, but at the same time, I can’t make myself upset by holding in all these feelings/thoughts.

My boyfriend has always been very direct and he’s still very polite and easy to talk to- and I don’t just mean with me, I mean with all our friends and family as well. He always asks questions when he wants clarification because he knows he’s not trying to hurt anyone, he’s just trying to understand; and that’s my goal as well! Talking to him definitely helps, but if anyone else has any tips or tricks, please feel free to comment!

Crabby Monday

I don’t really know why, but I’m hella crabby today. I feel like I was fine earlier this morning, but dealing with work issues is making me impatient and irritable. I’m on lunch now so I’m just taking a minute to breathe and write in here!

This weekend was nice; my boyfriend and I spent the weekend together just chilling and I was able to organize some paperwork for us which was much needed. We got smoothies yesterday which we haven’t done in a little bit so that was nice.

I’m missing the warm weather we had last week and am hoping it comes back soon! I feel like this is the 3rd winter of this year already and I’m over it. However, the sun is shining today so I am grateful for that!

I’m going to the gym after work and my boyfriend is going to meet me there, so hopefully I can work out some of this weird crabby energy. I hope everyone else is having a good Monday!