This morning I was wide awake at 7am, and I went to bed after midnight so I am not entirely sure why, but I used this morning to put together a little lame crafty card for a friend as I feel she may need a pick me up. I’m terrible about reaching out to friends lately, but I’m trying to get better.
Fall has arrived which makes me very happy! I already started decorating the house because I think it will help prevent me from falling into my seasonal depression at least for now, as I’m not trying to mix together my pandemic depression and my seasonal depression; I mean I can only handle so much.
I feel that I’ve been able to do a lot of self-reflecting during this year and I honestly do feel like I’ve learned a lot about myself and I am really trying to be more grateful and express more love to those who are important to me. Life is so short and our time is never guaranteed, and I am trying to apply that to everyday life, but in a healthy way, not an anxious way.
Today I am hoping to pick up a good book or two from Barnes and Noble, and very likely a nice candle from Bath & Body Works. I can’t spend too much money right now so I have to keep that in mind when I go, but I really want to find a book on Empaths. I’m not looking for one in particular but rather seeing if any look interesting and/or beneficial to me.
Maybe I’ll post later with an update, but until that possible “later” I want to share a peak into my spooky house!
Yesterday was such a nice day, and it’s because I actually took time to do things that I like, and I was able to spend a lot of time with my boyfriend. Yesterday I was productive around the house in the aspect of doing laundry, dishes and taking out the garbage; then I decided to do some yoga.
Yesterday I even went on a walk in the rain because I wanted to go on a walk and was tired of being indoors. It’s been raining for the past week and it’s been exhausting, but I didn’t want to let that stop me. It was only sprinkling when I left for my walk, but at different points throughout the park it was raining pretty steadily. Nonetheless it was still really nice outside.
It’s 12:28pm right now and the sun is finally shining today!! I already went on my walk (my walk is about 2 miles according to my phone tracking me LOL). I also made myself some breakfast as I did yesterday. My go-to is two eggs over-easy/medium, bacon, and toast. I typically will drink orange juice with it if I have it, which I did today!
My boyfriend should be home soon from his personal training session so I’m going to ask him if he wants to get a late lunch later from one of our local sports bars because I kinda feel like putting on makeup and getting “dressed up” (aka maybe jeans instead of leggings/biker shorts LOL).
I hope everyone has a wonderful Sunday and finds time to do something that brings pure joy!
Sometimes I wonder if I’d genuinely be happier living near a body of water, whether the ocean or a lake or even a huge pond. I just feel like knowing that I have that opportunity to escape to the calm waters right in my backyard would give me a sense of peace. Of course I’d have to purchase a paddle board and/or kayak, but I think this is something I definitely need.
I absolutely love going on walks/hikes and just being outside soaking up the sun. I love that I can still do all of these things even with the virus crap going on, and I hope that doesn’t change. Of course I’m upset that pools aren’t open, but if I was closer to water I’d probably complain less LOL. I did go on a walk today which was nice, I just feel like I need to go travel to new places and explore.
I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want to do and any hobbies I can get into, and I have been struggling. I do like the idea of it being physically beneficial, such as actually going on hikes and/or taking yoga classes. However I also like the idea of it being self-reflective such as writing/singing. The only person stopping me is myself, I just am not feeling super passionate about anything right now. I feel happy though, which is a good thing.
Well, this week should be interesting. Tomorrow is the start of my last two weeks at this job, and I plan to help the employees there and patients as much as I can in these next two weeks. Hopefully the doctor just leaves me alone to do my job.
If I am treated poorly or unfairly during my time, then I will gladly leave sooner. I am hopeful that things just go smoothly and I don’t have any unnecessary anxiety this week. I can’t wait to work in a less stressful environment with less overall pressure on me everyday.
I think the hardest part will be trying my best not to let everyone else’s emotions have an effect on me and really just setting firm boundaries. I’m done coming home from work completely exhausted and ready to go right to bed. I need time for myself and time to spend work my boyfriend.
We will see if I end up writing at all in the middle of this week- if I don’t then I will upset next Sunday. Until then I hope everyone has a great week ahead!
On Friday I had an appointment with a psychiatrist that my therapist referred me to, and after an hour long discussion of me quickly describing my life childhood to now and explaining how I’ve felt on all of my previous and current medications he prescribed Cymbalta. I am to wean off my Buspar for the next couple weeks while starting the new one which I just started yesterday.
I am more hopeful with this medication; now that I’ve tried a few others and was able to self-reflect and then inform an educated physician about my experiences I feel like there’s more of a chance of success compared to when I first started with medications. I remember seeing a psychiatrist for the first time and talking to her for 20 minutes about how I was feeling and she put me on Zoloft right away. And when I wanted to come off of it after almost nine months she told me I needed to stay on it for a year. Well I didn’t listen and took myself off of it and stayed away from medications for a while.
When I started having almost daily panic attacks and chest pains I decided to see my primary care and was prescribed Lexapro which I had a weird delayed allergic reaction to and then was switched to Prozac. I felt like that was helpful for a while until we increased the dose and I felt like things were getting worse (I had lots of racing thoughts which didn’t help my anxiety at all), and I realized that I had been having side effects that I didn’t like the entire time I was on prozac, they just weren’t as severe as when we increased the dose.
When I explained that to the primary care doctor I was switched to an anxiety only (rather than an antidepressant) medication called Buspar which is what I am now currently weaning off of. This medication I honestly feel like it hasn’t done anything. I felt reassured when I saw this new doctor on Friday and he told me that many colleagues of his rarely saw good results for anxiety patients that medication.
Overall I am hopeful as I previously stated-lately I’ve been so down and unmotivated to do anything which is really bumming me out. I know I should just try faking it until I make it but I just feel so tired all the time. Hopefully I won’t be feeling this way much longer.
My cat is in the animal hospital and will be overnight for some bladder issues. I really don’t feel like writing it all out right now because I feel like all day has been me updating close friends and family. I just feel exhausted.
Yesterday was so different- I felt like I actually had a good day. I was able to work out a deal with my car dealership and leasing company to end up in a new 2020 Sonata yesterday, and I also got an eye exam and was told that my contact prescription had no changes (which is the first time in 10+ years that I’ve been told that).
This year literally feels like a joke – whenever something good happens it seems like terrible things always seem to follow. Hopefully this will be soon and I can just sit and relax and not have to worry about anything for a minute.
Honestly this weekend is making me a bit upset when I think about how I’m not out having a huge BBQ with friends or family and/or not going to the dells… I just want life to be normal again. I don’t like complaining but I also am very much tired of all of this.
Today I streamed on my Twitch channel because that’s something I decided to start doing. It’s interesting, I am trying to figure out more things to do on the stream so if anyone has suggestions just let me know! I could just be open about my mental health on there… I’m not sure if Twitch is the place for that though LOL.
I also went on a walk which was both great yet terrible. It’s hot and sunny today, which I love, but also it’s like 90% humidity outside and I was dying. I’m so glad to be inside enjoying the AC right now. I’m going to go shower and get ready for my stream at 6:30 because my boyfriend agreed to try to do my makeup which should be fun! I hope everyone’s enjoying their weekend!
I will always be grateful when the sun is shining- today the sun was shining all day and it was 60 degrees out! I went on a walk, talked to my mom and one of my good friends… nothing too terribly interesting, but also very much enjoyed every activity I did today.
Lately the boyfriend and I have been able to pay off some bills of ours and thanks to the stimulus check we were able to pay a good chunk of cash towards a loan we took out for our miata. Since were both blessed to still be working we want to use any extra money we get to pay off our debts.
I’ve been doing decluttering around the house. This weekend I tackled the whole bathroom closet, the baker’s rack, and purged the pantries/fridge of things that had expired. It feels great getting rid of things that aren’t needed and creating a more organized space.
Yesterday and today I decided to play around with my makeup a bit since I got a new palette from E.L.F. (highly recommend- affordable and impressive product). It’s fun learning how to do eye shadow and contour, and it also forces me to wash my face every night, which I struggle at for some reason.
Taking this time to catch up on bills and cleaning up the house is really satisfying. I feel like I’m successfully adulting, and I can’t wait until I can reward myself with a trip to the nail salon (or a trip to Hawaii… whatever works)!
I remember loving Easter as a kid. I’d have Easter at home with my parents and I’d look around the apartment for my eggs and basket. After that we’d always go over to my Grandparents house and my cousins were usually in town so we could all search for our eggs and baskets together.
I’m sure Easter will be fun again once I have kids of my own. Neither my boyfriend nor I are religious, but I was raised Christian and I did go to church when I was younger, but I never remember doing any Easter mass or anything. I’ll make sure my children do understand the holiday and the meaning behind it- I’m sure then they’ll start asking why there’s a big bunny involved LOL.
Today I am feeling a little restless. I think it’s because we’re supposed to go do a birthday parade for my boyfriend’s grandfather, but we don’t have a set time yet and that’s really making me anxious. I already hate that we just found out about this yesterday, but I’m even more irritable today because it’s already 11am and we still have no clue when this is happening. I’m trying to go with the flow of things but it’s just not always easy for me.
I also haven’t taken my medication yet this morning which probably has a little to do with the irritability. Now that I’m strictly on an anxiety medication (rather than with the anti-depressant), I definitely notice my short temper returning. I’m somewhat upset about it, but also I think it’s a good thing because this has always been a part of me and I need to embrace it to be able to work through it.
I will say that I notice when the dose or this one wears off; not right away, but usually I find that I’m being angry or irrational for no reason, and then I remember to take the second dose. I need to put an alarm in my phone for it because I’m used to only taking a pill in the morning, so taking another dose later is hard for me to get used to and remember.
It’s nice and sunny out so I’m gonna go on a walk while my boyfriend goes to his personal training session. My best friend is going to Facetime me after my walk so we can chat and check in with each other during this weird time- I can’t wait for us to be able to go grab a coffee and just walk through the city again. Until then, we will make the best of the current situation.
This morning I did a kettlebell workout and also used my WonderCore- ya know, since I purchased it over a year ago and have only used it a handful of times. It feels great dedicating time to myself and knowing that it is only going to benefit me. I made sure to wash my face and moisturize, and I’m taking daily vitamins which again, will only benefit me.
One of the best parts of working out is listening to music and getting pumped up before and during the workout. I love listening to music, and discovering new songs and artists. I have Apple Music and I will usually just throw on R&B radio station and anyone that that I like, I just download their album, although there is a lot of R&B that I don’t like to workout to.
Often times I listen to music when I’m writing (as I’m writing this right now Jhené Aiko is playing in the background. Music has always been important in my life, as it is for most. I love to sing, and although I don’t currently play any instruments, I have an interest in learning piano, but also in making music on the computer with beats and what not (can you tell I know so much about it LOL)!
I also enjoy dancing, and lately I’ve been teaching myself how to dance with a hula hoop. I can’t wait for the sun to come out and warm weather so that I can practice outside and not have to worry about breaking stuff in the house and/or scaring my cats. For now, while it is grey and cold outside, I will continue to work on myself, both physically and mentally.