anxiety

Feelings are Friends.

Although the energy has felt heavy lately, I still am so grateful for all of the positive things going on around me and in my life. I have felt a bit depleted the past couple of weeks, and even though I was still enjoying the highlights, I definitely felt that need for rest. Lately when I am getting my rest, I have been having some vivid dreams, all seem to be in relation to conflict and arguments surrounding friendships/relationships which is very interesting to me. I am paying attention to the messages and just reflecting on what they can mean and what they mean in my current life. As I drop my people-pleasing behaviors and speak my mind, I know conflict is bound to arise, and this time around I am looking at anger differently.

I always had a negative view towards the emotion of “anger,” likely due to growing up in a home where rage seemed to be a common theme. Looking back, I think what was hardest for my brain was the fact that I was not allowed to have these strong emotions such as anger or sadness, and when I did I felt shamed or misunderstood. As an adult, I can now understand it is because both of my parents also were unable to handle their own big emotions, so how would they know how to deal with mine? At twenty-seven I feel like I am finally learning that these big emotions are actually a necessity for life and can even be tools in the healing process, and what I have recently discovered is that anger is actually a friend.

I was on Instagram and while I was scrolling through the self-improvement and mental health posts that fill my feed (so grateful that I fixed my algorithm to be all good news and self-love posts) I stumbled upon a post about anger by an incredible author named Brianna Wiest. In her post she wrote: “It is healthy to be angry, as anger can show us important aspects of who we are and what we care about. Instead of being afraid of anger, we can see it as an influx of energy attempting to help us see our limits, priorities and values more clearly. We can use it to help make big, important changes for ourselves and the world around us.” I shortened up the quote a bit, but this post blew my mind! I had never looked at anger in such a light where I actually was intrigued and excited about it!

I always remember feeling so shameful and upset when I had angry feelings, so I’d do my best to suppress them. Of course the anger would always slip out in some way or another, whether it was a sarcastic comment or a full blown hissy fit over something small-which this of course only made me hate that emotion even more. Anger usually turned into some sort of sadness/depression over the fact that I was an angry person or I was “just like my dad,” which I was desperately trying to avoid, but me shoving away those emotions away only made it easier for them to bubble up and boil over, resulting in exactly what I was trying to avoid. As I grew up, I continued on a path of people-pleasing to avoid conflict in order to avoid any of my own anger coming up, but that has had negative impacts on my mental health and overall growth.

As I am working through my healing journey, I am finding it easier to communicate how I am feeling with good friends and family. Instead of censoring my feelings, now I am getting in the habit of checking in with myself and trying to dig deeper into the reason I am feeling that emotion. Anger can show you what you are passionate about. Sadness can teach you the power of love. Happiness can guide you towards your purpose. Everything we feel can be used as a tool in growing and healing. I remember how I felt when I went on an anxiety medication that seemed to take away all of my emotions- I hated. I asked my doctor to come off of them after only a few months, and she told me I needed to stay on them for a year. Knowing that I needed my emotions and how I completely lost my sense of self, I stopped taking them anyways and never saw that doctor again. I’ve known for years that I needed to feel my emotions, so it’s time to stop avoiding them and keep reminding them that they are my friends.

Post from Brianna West on Instagram

Proud of Me

I want to take this time to celebrate myself, because I feel like I haven’t taken time to sit and truly reflect on all of the work I have been doing. For over a year, I have been immersing myself in self-help podcasts and books and I have started to make and keep more promises to myself. I have started to take time to prioritize myself by taking time to move my body, even if somedays it is just ten minutes of stretching. I recently started reading a fiction book from an author I used to read all the time; honestly, it feels good to take a break from the self-help books. I am in the middle of a daily challenge that was at the end of the book I just read :”Disease to Please.” I am doing this at my own pace, as some of the challenges I feel require a bit more time, and I am okay with that. I also am better at reminding myself that prioritizing my health and my rest is essential for growth and healing, and that slow progress is still progress- after all, you can’t rush greatness! I am enjoying living slowly and prioritizing my peace, and I find myself being a lot more present in my interactions with friends and with the world around me. There’s something so freeing in slowing down, rather than constantly feeling like I am racing through life to some imaginary finish line.

I have become more self aware, which has been hard and rewarding at the same time. There was something I read in the people-pleasing book I read that really opened my eyes to why I am the way I am. There was a section in the book that was titled: “Adult Children of Alcoholic Parents,” and although it was only one page, it completely blew my mind. Within the page it discussed how children of alcoholic parents try to maintain control by being “good” and doing “nice” things in order to make parents happy and/or keep the peace. It also said the following: “Avoiding disapproval and criticism by keeping a low profile and not drawing parental attention become the safest means of childhood survival in alcoholic families.” After I read this, I immediately thought of how I hate having attention on me. I’ve never wanted a large wedding, I always say that when I have future baby showers I don’t want to open gifts in front of everyone… I have always hated having all eyes on me. This is probably also why I struggle to celebrate myself or share my wins or accomplishments with others. In life I maintain a low profile, and this is to avoid any unwanted attention, and also any unwanted confrontation.

Although I can appreciate the inner parts of me that are trying to protect me from the world, I also recognize how they are hindering me from stepping into my full potential. I don’t want to go through life trying to be invisible and quiet, instead I would like to be able to speak my mind and share my opinions, even if they differ from someone else’s. I am happy to say I have been more vocal when it comes to speaking out when I am bothered, and I am working on getting better at asking for help when I need it and learning about what my needs are. Since I had abandoned myself for so long, I realized that I don’t even know what I want/need from the relationships in my life outside of mine and my boyfriend’s. I have been lucky enough to grow with him throughout the years and we continue to learn about each other as we grow, but I haven’t had that same experience with my friendships or family relationships. I often would default to being “nice” and people-pleasing, rather than saying “no” to things and saying how I really felt, and that is something I refuse to do going forward.

Overall, I am proud of myself. I am prioritizing my health, both physical and mental. I am prioritizing my inner peace as I continue to regulate my nervous system. I am checking in with myself and setting my intentions, all while allowing myself to rest and reset. I am giving myself the grace I deserve as I continue to work through hard truths and emotions. I am showing up for me, for the first time in my life, and it feels good keeping these small promises to myself. And I know I can appear selfish or conceited to others on the outside, but what other people think of me is none of my business. The only approval I need is my own, the other person I care to impress is myself, and I will continue to progress and heal.

Sending love and healing to all who need it.

Grateful Sundays

For some reason it feels like I haven’t typed up a blog post in a while. That could be the fact that I will often write these posts on my phone, but there is something more satisfying about typing it on my laptop, listening to Anderson .Paak Radio, while sipping on some iced coffee. This year when it starts to get warmer, I want to make time to go to different coffee shops or bookstores so I can have new places to write and maybe spark some more creativity. I absolutely love being home, but I want to make sure I don’t become a total homebody because I also love being outside and exploring new environments.

Yesterday I was thinking about what goals I am currently working on. I had listened to an episode from the Mel Robbins Podcast a few weeks back that talked about narrowing down your goals. She even has a free worksheet available on her site to use (I need to invest in a printer so I can start printing these resources out); although I haven’t even looked at this sheet yet, I did remember that she said to only have one to three goals at a time. The less goals, the more time and effort you have to actually spend on working toward that goal. Overall I have been on a healing journey and been focusing on that, but I wanted to actually list out three goals that I am currently working towards so that I can come back to them and re-focus when I inevitably fall out of it.

My first goal I am working on is being more present. I know I have mentioned this in previous posts, but within the last year it really hit me that I have spent most of my life on autopilot and in a hypervigilant state. According to WebMD, Hypervigilance is defined as: “the elevated state of constantly assessing potential threats around you,” and states that it is often the result of a trauma. Growing up in an unpredictable environment (for me, having alcoholic parents, one of which was an angry drunk), has left my nervous system in a continuous state of dysregulation. Since I spent most of my life planning ahead, coming up with worst-case scenarios so I could be prepared for whatever happened (which btw, is just a lie my anxiety told me), I never was actually in the present moment. I may have been physically there, but mentally I was always elsewhere. I can look back at photos and not even remember that day, which honestly broke my heart when I started realizing how few memories I had. Now I am making a more conscious effort to check in with myself throughout the day so that it becomes more second nature for me to do so. I also decided to start a 2023 memory jar, and whenever I have a fun experience or something brings me joy, I write it on a little piece of paper and fold it up and throw it in the jar! That way at the end of the year, I can remind myself how amazing the year was, and hopefully continue this tradition.

Another important goal of mine is to always find the joy in things, and actively do things that bring me happiness. Now this doesn’t need to be extravagant things like traveling to Caribbean or going on shopping sprees-although those things definitely do bring me joy, but I want to focus on the simple things in life. As I’ve stated multiple times throughout this blog, I absolutely love nature walks and being outside. In the winter I unfortunately let my hatred of the cold win most battles, but I am finding other things that bring me joy within my own home. I love writing, even though I may not always feel like writing, once I start I realize how much I needed it and how great I feel afterwards. I also enjoy reading, listening to podcasts, and of course singing and dancing along to some good jams. I also go in and out of phases of enjoying crafting, which I honestly haven’t done in a while, but I did think about starting to make some crafts again that have to do with mental health and healing! I also still want to start a podcast or at least start streaming again on Twitch, because I honestly love talking and can literally talk to myself for hours, so maybe others will want to listen. I have had multiple friends say we should start a podcast together, so I have thought of just starting one and bringing everyone one as guests. That will require more thought and planning, but either way I will be sure to find the joy in all of it!

The last, but certainly not least, goal of mine that I am focusing on my health, which includes my mental health. I want to consistently work on regulating my nervous system with exercise, meditation and journaling. I also want to be more mindful about my food choices and work on eating/drinking less sugar. I am not a person who does well with diets, as I get very obsessive with calorie/carb counting and it becomes unhealthy, so I am just focusing on being mindful in my day to day choices. I also feel that part of focusing on my health includes not holding onto anger or bitterness, so I am actively working on speaking up when things bother me, and also sharing my opinions even if they differ from others. Constantly muting myself in conversations is only depleting my self-worth and building up resentment; I know that everyone has differing opinions and sometimes I may come off offensive, but as long as my intentions are pure and all with love, then I will continue to be okay with myself and with the outcome. As I said before, I love talking…so I am done silencing myself.

As January comes to a slow close, I am looking forward to working towards my goals this year and continuing to check in with myself. I know that life with bring challenges and hiccups as it always does, but as I continue to regulate my nervous system and focus on my mental health, I will become more emotionally mature and more confident in myself along the way. I have made it through all of my worst days, and I am stronger because of it. I am excited to finally see myself in a different, more accepting light; I appreciate my resilience and the empathy I have for myself along the way. In my opinion, love is always going to be the answer; I am choosing to give my inner child the love she deserves, therefore giving my present self that same love.

Low

I believe my last post had to do with my back pain, and I am happy to say that I have had much improvement over the week, but I do still have some pain. I went to my chiropractor and got some new x-rays done, and basically I am making progress which is kind of causing the pain. My hips are off-center because of the 10-degree curve in my spine, and as we are making progress on the curve, my hips are realigning. The way he explained it is that the joint in my hip doesn’t want to continue making progress and it is fighting back, but as we continue with adjustments and my therapies that it will continue to get better.

I am excited to get back in the gym and get back to being active, as I’ve been laying pretty low since having this pain. I have been stretching and still running errands and what not as I want to stay moving, but I can’t wait to be back to 100%! I have a feeling I’ll be feeling that way by the end of this week, considering I’ll be seeing my chiropractor Mon-Wed!

I’m not going to lie, it’s been a little rough for me not to start getting down on myself or anxious. I hate “falling behind” on house chores and I was also super motivated for this new year and to feel like I’ve been spending most of it in pain makes me upset. I have to make sure I take time to remember all of the beautiful things that have already happened this year.

For example, I got to make vision boards with my best friend! We are going to make this a yearly tradition to make vision boards for the new year, and I am so happy with how mine turned out! I also got to hang out with my childhood bff, and just laughing and chilling with her felt healing in and of itself. We’re excited to hang out more this year, and overall I am very excited for this year ahead.

Yesterday my boyfriend and I went to Portillo’s, which was such a yummy treat. I literally was craving their cheese fries for three days leading up to that lunch date, so to say I was excited was an understatement. After that we traveled out to the Dick’s Warehouse Sale, and after sifting through some very interesting products, we each found a pair of shoes we liked! Once we were home I went to hang out with a friend of mine, and just enjoyed a pretty chill night.

This year hasn’t been bad, I am just learning to live slower and more mindfully. I also feel that this pain has taught me that I need to keep moving and take care of myself, which is something I’ve been saying for a long time, but haven’t been doing. I deserve to be healthy and enjoy life, and I am the only one who can give myself that. As I continue to heal, I will remember to keep tuning into gratitude and being present. Happy Sunday!

2023 vision board

First Monday of 2022: Complete

Happy 2023! Yesterday was 1/1/23 and I was blessed enough to be able to spend time with some family. My aunt and her friend made it back from from Thailand yesterday and we got to see her before she drove back to Iowa which was nice. Soon enough we will all be going out there for our Family Christmas and I’m looking forward to seeing my Grandma and the rest of the family.

Other than that I pretty much laid low yesterday. My boyfriend and I re-did our budget for the new year and I took some time to journal a bit. My coworker started listening to Gabby Bernstein and joined her 21 day manifesting challenge, and she shared the PDF with me with the journal prompts for each day. Yesterday I created my “desire statement,” and I am excited to see what todays prompt brings.

As far as manifesting goes, I know it’s all the work you put in. You cannot wish for things to happen and they happen, you cannot control things beyond your control, but although it isn’t magic, to some it can feel like it is. I definitely love feeling the “magic” of the world… and ironically it happened as I was writing this.

If I’m going to be completely honest, I started writing this blog post on the toilet this morning (LOL, sorry for the TMI). Once I was done I washed my hands and I went into my bedroom. I started doing yoga and as I was breathing, all I could smell was the cat litter. So I decided to get up and clean that, and then I took out the garbage, and when I came back to my phone I decided to check my email. It was 9:14am and my email was from Gabby Bernstein and it said “Dear Gabby Live 10:15am EST.” I’m like OH SHIT ONE MINUTE!!! and quickly grabbed my laptop and jumped on zoom.

I have only ever been in one other “Dear Gabby Podcast” Zoom, and I am so grateful that I was able to do it again. Ironically enough it’s something that I have been reflecting about over the past couple of days as I was looking at the positive parts of 2022. Today I was just in there to listen, I didn’t raise my hand to try to get picked to ask anything, I just decided to be grateful for the experience and listen to the others call in and listen to Gabby’s insight.

When she is recording these, it is for future episodes and it’s fun to see the behind-the-scenes of her podcast. She will re-record certain parts and do different exits for a show and it’s fun to see the time and effort that goes into making a project seem so perfect and effortless. It also reminded me that perfection isn’t real, and it’s completely normal to “mess up.”

I feel like I already knew that, but I needed just a little push or refresher because I feel like I still strive for perfection, which is stopping me from starting anything new. I also feel like I have so many different ideas and things I want to try, but I can’t decide on which to focus on. After listening to one of the shows that was being recorded, it was brought up to focus on the one bringing the most joy.

When I started the manifesting challenge, my goal is to manifest a healthier lifestyle for myself. I have been on a healing/self-love journey for years now, but I know that deep down I need to have my mind and body in alignment, and I always feel better when I take care of myself. From what I’ve been listening to on the self-help podcast, it actually helps you rebuild your sense of trust with yourself when you do what you say you’re going to do. I have always felt a distrust towards myself, and that’s likely because I don’t always follow through with my self-care, but the thought of truly being able to be disciplined for the sake of self-love brings me so much joy.

I used to want to be fit and/or skinny so that I didn’t feel insecure out in crowds or on social media, but I didn’t actually care about my health at that time. As I am growing older, I am realizing that good health, both physical and mental, is the true wealth. If I know that and I truly do care about myself, I deserve to give myself that healthier life. I deserve to move my body and fuel it with the foods it needs. I also deserve to not restrict myself or shame myself for eating the cookies that I am baking right now.

I am excited to continue on this journey of self love and discovery, and I am happy to be taking it one day at a time. I want to continue working on being present and mindful, and learning to love myself unconditionally.

2022 Progress Report: Proud and Grateful

As the year slowly comes to a close, I am looking forward to continue my healing into 2023. I have learned so much about myself over this year, and I am honestly very proud of my growth. I think back to when my mother had her stroke in February, and how instead of sitting and worrying about if or when she would have another one, I instead turned to gratitude. I was grateful that she is still here, and she can function normally and on her own; she is truly blessed, and I feel the same way. If this were to have happened a few years ago, I would have spiraled for probably months, just riddled with anxiety. I am proud of the fact that I find it easier to turn to gratitude during tough times.

I also am grateful that I am getting better at communicating when I am bothered by something. A few months ago, I was able to have a conversation with a close friend about something that I felt like could have been confrontational or maybe even hurtful. Although I was anxious about it, I was able to clearly communicate my intentions and thoughts, and because she is a good friend, I felt heard and understood during that conversation! I am proud that instead of just being quiet about it and building up resentment, I decided to speak up for myself and discuss my feelings. As someone who has avoided conflict and kept quiet her whole life, that one single act felt like it broke a huge barrier for me, and for that I am proud of myself.

Throughout the year I’ve struggled with judgment; truly it’s been me judging myself for judging others, and then realizing that those judgments I had towards others were actually the judgments I had towards myself. I had read about that in a book, and I’ve also heard it on podcasts before, but it really clicked this year. Although there have been a lot of hard truths to swallow, it has also been calming in a way to release that urge to control or “rescue” others. In reality, I only have the power to control or “rescue” myself, and that is what I will continue to focus on.

I am so grateful to have access to therapy and to have found such amazing podcasts that I enjoy listening to. I also am happy that I started reading more books again this year, and I plan to read even more in 2023. I plan to dedicate time to myself each day, even if only for one minute on some days, because I deserve that love and attention from myself. I plan to be authentic and honest and speak up for myself whenever needed, and I plan to be unapologetic about setting healthy boundaries. I am planning to be less busy and live calmer and slower; after living with a dysregulated nervous system for most of my life, I want to do my absolute best to try to regulate it.

2023: More connecting with nature, less connecting with technology. More reading books, less scrolling through Instagram. More time doing what I love, less wasting time doing things that don’t align with me. More pausing and slowing down, less rushing and stressing. More focusing on my values and goals, less judging and doubting myself. I am doing only what I feel is best for me, and I won’t feel guilty about it.

Bed

I’m writing this from bed as yesterday I woke up with some pretty severe lower back pain. We did have a get-together Friday evening and I know I was running around like a crazy person prior to guests arriving, and I am wondering if I lifted something wrong. I feel like it may be a combination of that as well as some PMS, but it’s pretty bad.

I tried to stretch a lot yesterday and I took some ibuprofen and acetaminophen on and off, but nothing seems to help. If I wake up to turn in my sleep, it is always an uncomfortable transition. Luckily I am supposed to see my chiropractor tomorrow, but depending on how today goes, I may need to see someone sooner.

I am honestly pretty opposed to going to the urgent care / hospital for pain because I always just assume they will give me an pain killer and not identify any real issue. I feel like every time I have to go to the ER for something, no one ever has any answers and just prescribes some pill to take, and I hate it! I am trying to find the root cause, not just put a bandaid on it and hope it sticks!

As the patient, I have the right to advocate for myself as well, so I know I would be asking questions and asking about certain tests, and I’d straight up tell them I want to avoid any pain medication. The only time I ever took a pain killer was after my wisdom teeth surgery and it made me feel super weird and then I just passed out for hours. I ended up switching to ibuprofen after that one pill, and I honestly don’t even take ibuprofen regularly, only when I am in a decent amount of pain.

I am just planning to take it easy today. I’m hoping it just gets better throughout the day and I don’t feel the need to seek medical attention. Sending love and light to all those struggling with any health (mental, physical, emotional, etc.) concerns! We will get through it!

Anxiety

I woke up with some anxiety today, and I know where it is stemming from, but I am working hard to ask myself the questions to get myself grounded and calm. It’s all because my coworker called me after work last night and let me know she got two new jobs and she isn’t coming back tomorrow (aka today), and she asked if she could drop off her works keys to me to bring in today, so I am! I didn’t tell the other boss or anything yet because I will this morning and I figured I was off yesterday and would deal with it at work.

Although I haven’t done anything wrong and I cannot get in trouble for bringing in her keys, my anxiety keeps trying to trick me into saying I did something bad. But I know that I am not doing anything wrong by bringing her keys back to work, if anything that’s a great thing for me to do! I can’t get in trouble for not telling them yesterday, because I wasn’t working, nor would it have made a difference for today.

Honestly, even just taking the time to write this short post has calmed my physical anxiety down- it’s just writing it out to remind myself that I am okay and will be okay. No one can hurt me or fire me for doing this, and even if they did, I would figure it out. I can trust myself to navigate what life brings me, because I always make it through.

Lowkey Weekend

I have not seen any friends or done anything eventful this weekend and it’s exactly what I needed. I honestly have been feeling pretty tired anyways and it’s been nice getting some rest.

In the past, I would struggle to sit still and if I finally did, I’d feel guilty for not being productive; I’m happy to say that is something I definitely have made progress on. I need to take time to write more about thing I’m proud of and progress I’ve made, as well as more goals I want to work on, but right now I’m honestly too tired.

I’m gonna lay low for the rest of the day, I have a headache right now so I’m going ti hydrate and maybe take a nap LOL. I hope everyone has a good week ahead.

Thanksgiving 2022

I am grateful for another year of growing and learning about myself. I am so blessed to have a loving, supportive life partner who lifts me up, and who makes me feel seen and understood. I am grateful for the genuine friends who cheer for me while I cheer for them. I am thankful for my family, whether near or far they always make me feel loved. There are so many people in my life who truly mean so much to me, and I am forever grateful for everyone.

When it comes to me and my current goals, I am focusing on growing and striving for happiness in my everyday life. As I’ve said before, practicing gratitude has been very helpful in keeping a more positive perspective and attitude. I am working hard to practice the art of letting go and realizing when I am worrying about things beyond my control. I am also focusing on trusting myself and my intuition, and not feeling guilty for setting boundaries or speaking my mind.

Everyone else in the world has no problem speaking their opinions, so why do I silence mine? Especially when I feel that those with good intentions and empathy should be speaking out more. In his podcasts, Jay Shetty often mentions a quote by Martin Luther King Jr: “Those who love peace must learn to organize as effectively as those who love war.” I am taking this time for me to get organized in my own thoughts for my own inner peace, because I deserve to be at my best, just as my loved ones around me deserve me at my best.