Is it what it is

I’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed by life this past week; it has a lot to do with my PMS and lack of sleep, but also just unexpected life stuff. I had a conversation with myself out loud in my car last night trying to get to the root of everything, and I am realizing I still have a lot of guilty feelings and am still very hard on myself.

I have to constantly remind myself that I am allowed to relax and take breaks, and that am a human being who is allowed to have emotions. Life gets stressful, and we don’t have control over much that happens, but I can control how I react and respond to situations. I can also look inward and ask myself questions to try to help myself move forward and understand myself more.

We all have bad days, but that doesn’t mean we have bad lives. Focusing on my blessings and practicing gratitude is what is helping me through these situations, and although it’s a struggle sometimes, I am proud of myself for truly trying to make it a habit to think more positively, no matter the situation. I don’t spiral out of control like I used to, which is progress in and of itself.

I hope everyone else is surviving this week!

Some Stress

Well today was an interesting day to say the least, however I want to start off this post with saying how grateful I am to have such a wonderful man in my life who knows how to help me when I’m having anxiety. I am also blessed that he’s so calm and knows how to fix things (or can learn quickly from youtube), and that we are able to afford to fix things when they break.

This morning our hot water tank went out, so we had to purchase one of those and are going to be installing that here shortly. I did originally start to get upset and irritable because I started having money fears as I usually do. I had no clue how much it would be to fix and I started feeling my brain start spiraling down into how we will just always have more and more expenses coming up.

Luckily I was able to calm down when my boyfriend said he wasn’t worried about it, and I was able to remind myself that we can only take it day by day, and today we need to solve this issue. We were happy to find out that the water tank was on the lower end of the price scale, and if we can install it then we don’t have that expense of labor to pay! We are lucky to live in a time where we have access to instant information at our fingertips.

I was still able to see my mom today for Mother’s Day, which was nice. We were able to go for a walk and I helped her by going with her to the grocery store. Unfortunately she is drinking more alcohol again which of course was not what I wanted to hear, but it is what it is and unfortunately there’s not much I can do. It’s her life, she will do what she wants and I cannot take on any responsibility or feelings of guilt for that. All so can do is wish her well and be grateful for our current time together.

She also shared some other not-so-great family updates with me, so I’d say today was filled with a lot of negative emotion and energy. I have been reminding myself of what I can control and also reminding myself that spending time on negative energy and spending time worrying will not improve my current situation. However, focusing on gratitude and what I can control will help me.

It’s helpful that I feel like I am able to slow down my thoughts now and truly calm down before having outbursts of anger; I can tell I still have work to do, but it’s much more bearable now. I am grateful for the progress I’ve been able to make with my mental health, and I know I can only get better from here!

Good Start

I went to the gym this morning!! I am extremely proud of myself as I have never gone before work and I was having some anxiety about it; luckily everything worked out (LOL, get it? 😂) and here I am in the parking lot of my job with a little extra time to type this out!

I have been wanting to start going to the gym in the mornings all week; I was going to start on Monday, but then I used the random snowfall that happened as an excuse not to go. By Tuesday I gave up because I was already having anxiety and losing sleep thinking that I wouldn’t wake up in time to go or I’d be late to work.

I was having my anxious dreams like I used to have where I’m running late for work, or I go to the wrong office and can’t get a hold of anyone. As a kid I’d often dream that I missed the bus or I was late to class- I’ve always had anxiety about time and being late, but I’m not sure where it stems from. But today I overcame a fear and I feel so much better about it!

I am going to start going to the gym four days a week in the mornings before work, and I feel that this will make me feel a lot better as I’ll start my days early doing something for myself! I’m excited to see where this journey takes me!

I hope everyone has a great Thursday!

Easter Weekend

Happy Easter to all who celebrate! I am not religious at this point in my life, nor do I have children to hide eggs from or to make baskets for, so this year is very low-key, yet still enjoyable! I won’t lie though, this morning was a rough one for me, but I am definitely proud of myself for not letting it ruin the entire day like I would have in the past.

This morning I woke up at 2am to terrible nausea and cramping- to my not-so-surprise, lovely mother nature was here to pay me a visit. I dealt with that and curled up with my heating pad for a while before shifting it to my lower back, and I fell back asleep.

When I got back up around 8:30-9ish I decided I wanted to take a shower. I got a haircut yesterday and the stylist put a lot of product in my hair to keep my curls looking nice, but it felt like a lot of residue was just sitting on my hair so I was ready to rinse it all out. I brushed out my curls and went to start my shower, and when I turned the nozzle nothing happened.

I messed with it a couple more times and then told my boyfriend that it was not working. Of course my anxiety decides to set in, and coupled with my hormones I already felt myself starting to get worked up. Luckily my boyfriend just grabbed a screw driver and was able to fix it; we were able to turn it on and off with no issues!

I quickly got into the shower and washed all the build-up out of my hair and then scrubbed it all off my body; I felt so clean and refreshed running my fingers through my clean, healthy hair. Once the water was all running clear and I was rinsed off I went to turn off the shower and the water wouldn’t shut off.

Now I feel the spike of anxiety in my chest again and I yell to my boyfriend “babe! now the water won’t turn off!” I quickly get out and have him go in and once again, he was able to fix it. We discovered that part of the plastic nozzle had broken on the inside, which is why we were having so much trouble. He removed that and used pliers to shut off the water, and we added a new shower nozzle to our Walmart list for today.

After I got dressed I decided to do a Dunkin’ run for us as I really wanted some iced coffee, and honestly I was using it as a pick me up for the shitty morning I was having. I left and got our coffees, and while I’m driving home I go to sip my iced coffee and all of a sudden I just feel liquid start spilling down my chest, shirt and pants- iced coffee was dripping from the lid all onto my new tank top.

I was driving so I wasn’t trying to get into an accident or make things worse than they were, so I kept driving home and when I was able to stop at a stop sign I grabbed napkins from my glove compartment and began go wipe the coffee off of me. I got home and when I got inside I set the coffees on the floor so I could get situation to go upstairs, and of course I then knocked over my iced coffee and spilled some onto the floor.

At this point I felt myself having psychical symptoms of anger; when I used to get panic attacks they often made me feel like I just needed to scratch myself or stretch or shake; it’s hard to deceive but it’s likely I could feel the rage/anxiety rushing threw all of my veins and pores, just bringing me to a boiling point. I felt this happening and decided to take a couple deep breaths.

With my head feeling a bit more clear, I went upstairs to get paper towels, went back down to clean up my mess, and proceeded to bring our coffees upstairs. I walked into our room and set our coffees down and said “the universe is testing me today,” and began to remove my coffee stained tank top. I changed into another shirt and plopped my body back on the bed and proceeded to just let the tears well up and stream down my cheeks.

I started talking to myself in my head- asking why I was so upset, and reminding myself that I am okay. I still had coffee, I still have other clothes that are not stained with coffee, my shower is fixable, and there is still so much left in the day where this doesn’t have to be a bad day. After a lot of discussion within myself and deep breaths, I finally stopped crying and sat up and decided to take on the rest of the day.

In the past, I would have let these string of events ruin my entire day and I would have spent so much time feeling bad and guilty about it. Instead, I took time to acknowledge how I was feeling and reminded myself of what I should be grateful for and got back up and ready to go! My boyfriend and I had a good rest of the day! We went to Walmart to get stuff that we needed, and I did a dread detox and re-twist for him! Overall it was a pretty good Easter!

MonDay Dreaming

A few weeks ago I decided to switch my weekly posts to Mondays instead of Sundays, because I noticed on Mondays that I would typically get more traction, but to be honest it has kind of thrown me off! I am likely going to go back to Sundays, but I also keep saying that I’m going to write more, and I haven’t been; but I have a reason for that.

I’ve been trying to spend more time reading books; my main focus has been “self-help” books, which has honestly been so inspiring to me. I am loving reading work from today different authors and finding new perspectives and ways to basically re-frame your mindset in a more positive way. I know that if I read about more topics, I’ll only have more ideas to write about! In which case, I will begin to write more.

In reality, I’d love to write a book one day, and honestly I intend to do so. I always have told my boyfriend that we should write a book on relationships, and although I’d still love to do that one day, I think I’d like to write a self-help book one day. Not only that, but I’ve also always enjoyed poetry and would love to maybe even do some sort of positive self-help poetry book! I hope that as I continue on my self-care journey, I’ll find more and more ways that we can help ourselves and portray such ideas within my writings.

I’ve been trying to dedicate my free time to reading, listening to self-help/inspirational podcasts, and also I’ve been working out! I’ve been going to the gym a few days a week, and I’ve been going on walks whenever it’s nice out! It’s nice actually dedicating time for myself that is beneficial to future me!

I’m off to the park to go on a walk so I can soak up some of this sunshine before it’s gone! Make sure to take time to yourself today, even if it’s just a couple minutes!

Growing

As I am growing, I am learning that I need to stop muting myself. What I mean by that is I often won’t say what I’m feeling in fear of hurting others, but in reality I know my intention behind my thoughts and I’m never trying to be malicious at all. People even often tell me how nice I am and how I’m great at talking to people, but I don’t always feel that way with the people closest to me.

I just saw this post that said “Let’s normalize asking questions for clarity, instead of moving based on the story you’ve created in your mind, which may not be true;” I feel like I want that from my friends, but how I can expect that when I don’t do it! I want to start vocalizing when I have questions or thoughts that come up, so that I don’t sit with them and ruin my own inner peace or growth.

For example, one of my good friends recently reached out and asked if she could express something without causing problems/drama, and of course I said yes. The conversation went well and we are good, but now I am the one who is wanting to express my feelings about it and I feel like a scared little kid who is avoiding confrontation.

I know that my feelings are valid and I also know I can express my thoughts without being an asshole, but at the same time I never know how people will react and that is what gives me the anxiety. I would hate to unintentionally make someone upset, but at the same time, I can’t make myself upset by holding in all these feelings/thoughts.

My boyfriend has always been very direct and he’s still very polite and easy to talk to- and I don’t just mean with me, I mean with all our friends and family as well. He always asks questions when he wants clarification because he knows he’s not trying to hurt anyone, he’s just trying to understand; and that’s my goal as well! Talking to him definitely helps, but if anyone else has any tips or tricks, please feel free to comment!

Crabby Monday

I don’t really know why, but I’m hella crabby today. I feel like I was fine earlier this morning, but dealing with work issues is making me impatient and irritable. I’m on lunch now so I’m just taking a minute to breathe and write in here!

This weekend was nice; my boyfriend and I spent the weekend together just chilling and I was able to organize some paperwork for us which was much needed. We got smoothies yesterday which we haven’t done in a little bit so that was nice.

I’m missing the warm weather we had last week and am hoping it comes back soon! I feel like this is the 3rd winter of this year already and I’m over it. However, the sun is shining today so I am grateful for that!

I’m going to the gym after work and my boyfriend is going to meet me there, so hopefully I can work out some of this weird crabby energy. I hope everyone else is having a good Monday!

Thursday Thoughts

With the new moon yesterday, I’ve been thinking about new intentions, and I really want to work on non-judgment. I am a very observant person, but this also makes me very judgmental. I find myself judging others for their “bad choices,” when in reality I don’t know what is a “good” or “bad” choice for that person; it just is what it is.

It’s basically like how I am rewiring my angry/negative thoughts to being thankful, I am going to actively start doing that when I find myself being judgmental. I have read about practicing non-judgment before, and I truly wish to master this skill. I know it will take time, and I’ll never be “perfect,” but I feel like a “bad” person when I’m judging others and I don’t like that feeling.

When I find myself being judgmental, I will instead start thinking about why I am grateful for that person or think of a positive way to look at them. I will also remind myself that “it is what it is, and should be,” because everything truly does happen for a reason. Does anyone else have any tips/tricks for this?

Thank You.

I’ve been on a path of self-growth and gratitude, and it’s truly amazing how much saying “thank you” can do. I’m was reading a book called “The Magic,” which is a daily practice book- meaning you only read a few pages each morning and you follow the steps in the book. I did fall off of reading this when my mother had her stroke, and honestly I haven’t picked the book back up yet, but I have made sure to still do one of the practices daily.

Every morning I was writing down ten things that I’m grateful for, why I am grateful for them, and then said “thank you” three times after each one. After a while I got tired of writing them in my phone notes, so now I actually say them aloud in the car on my way to work. I’ve been noticing some “magic” (and/or coincidences) happening already!

For example, every day a lot of the ten things tend to be the same, but I switched it up a bit and said I was thankful for coffee. I am grateful for coffee, because it tastes good and gives me energy and just makes my day that much better; I spoke this into the universe, said “thank you, thank you, thank you,” and kept driving to work. When I got close to my destination, the line at the nearest Dunkin’ was short, and I actually had time to stop before work! So I went into work happy with my iced coffee, and then one of my coworkers shows up with another iced coffee for me! I was shocked, but boy did it make the day even better LOL!

Today I told the universe I was thankful for money, and then my boss surprised me with a $100 Visa gift card for not getting any “points” (basically penalties) against me for the past year of work. What’s even crazier is that I actually had left this job for a few months and they brought me back in when my other job didn’t work out like I thought it would, and she still rewarded me with the gift card! Again, I know these can be coincidental, but at the same time, believing in a little magic can be fun!

Using free time to remember things that we are grateful for can truly make a world of a difference in our minds. It’s all perspective and mindset; as my mom always told me “mind over matter.” I used to get so mad at that phrase when I was a kid, but wow do I appreciate it now. It’s crazy to think that there truly is a bit of magic everywhere, we are just too distracted and busy to see it. Being aware and present in the moment can really open up a whole new world within you!

I hope everyone has a magical weekend! Abs thank you for being here. ♡

Overwhelmed with Emotions.

My last post was a week ago, a day after my mother’s stroke. I am blessed to say that my mother is home now and living a normal life. She is still having some minor mobility issues with her left hand/fingers, but overall she is recovering well! I feel so grateful every day that I still have my mother here, and honestly, things have already changed a lot for her since the stroke. My mother has smoked cigarettes for decades now, and she has not had one since her stroke. She will keep an unlit cigarette by her at home and will sometimes do the motion like she is smoking it, but she still hasn’t actually smoked one. She also has only had one beer- this is the woman who has been drinking beer and hard liquor every night since I was seven years old! She hasn’t had any feelings of withdrawal, and she is doing an amazing job.

Over this week I have had a bunch of emotions come up; I found myself crying randomly at home or driving to/from work. Every time that I found myself crying, I realized that there weren’t sad tears… they were tears of joy. I was feeling so overwhelmingly grateful to the universe that my mother is okay and still gets to live a normal life. I also felt a huge sense of accomplishment for myself, because I am no longer on anxiety medication and I handled this situation better than I ever expected to. My boyfriend said to me: “I am so proud of you. I feel like if this would have happened two years ago, you would have folded up like a lawn chair” (LOL), and he is right!

In the past, I would be thinking so far into the future about “what if she has another stroke and she isn’t so lucky that time?” or “what if she stops taking her medications and starts drinking/smoking again?” To be fair, these thoughts have obviously crossed my mind, but I am able to redirect them and remind myself that we can only take life day by day. The other day when I found myself asking those hypotheticals, I said to myself: “Today my mom is alive. She has not had a cigarette, and she hasn’t had any hard alcohol; today is a good day.” I am finding it easier and easier to rewire my bad thoughts into thoughts of gratitude or positivity, and realizing that made me break down in tears (more than once).

For a long time, I truly thought I would never be able to get off of my medication. I thought I would have to rely on them forever and I would never be able to truly handle my emotions or traumas on my own. And don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with being on medications for life, especially if they are working to keep you alive and well. I just always have had this goal of being able to come off of my medications and truly see if I can handle things “on my own.” For this event to occur while I have been off my medication for seven months, and for me to be able to handle it well without shutting down, feeling guilty, or continuously looping terrible future scenarios over and over again in my head, I am impressed with myself.

I always find myself choking up when I tell my boyfriend that I never thought I could handle anything like this without medication or without having panic attacks. I am insanely proud of myself for continuing therapy, reading self-help books, and listening to some eye-opening self-reflection podcasts. I honestly feel like the hard truths and hard questions are what has helped me be able to make progress in my brain. I feel like I’ve just reached this goal that I once thought was unachievable, and I just want everyone else to be able to do the same thing. I want people to cry tears of joy because they can see and feel their own progress. I want people to see life in a new, more positive light. I want everyone to do the hard work for yourself, because you are always worth it! We all truly deserve to be the best versions of ourselves, and we deserve to be proud of ourselves. I hope everyone has a great week ahead. ♡