Stressed, but blessed

On Thursday night I hit a patch of icy snow in my car which caused it to veer out of control and my tire went off the road and the control arm snapped. Luckily no airbags deployed and I was the only one involved and I am not injured. My car, however, has over $7000 of damage (thank goodness for insurance).

Today my cat woke my boyfriend and I up and he was acting weird, and he had thrown up twice. I ended up taking him into the vet because last time I thought something was wrong it escalated fast and he had high kidney counts and a urinary blockage. This time around his PH levels in his urine are high, but kidney levels are normal. He does have a urinary blockage again, but he’s doing better and we will just have him on a prescription diet the rest of his life. We will be able to bring him home tomorrow if all goes as planned.

So far this year has taken an interesting turn, but I am truly blessed that everyone is okay. Of course my pockets are hurting a bit (the vet bill is over $1000), but money is just money, and there are more important things to stress about. Luckily, I will be starting my new job soon and will be making more money so I can pay off my credit card again ASAP.

I’m trying to keep positive spirits with everything being thrown my way, but I do have my moments where it’s all a bit overwhelming. I just remind myself that we’re all human, I am allowed to feel that way.

Late night post

Changes may be coming, which is quite fitting for a new year. I had a phone interview for a new job last week and am going to be setting up an in person interview sometime this week! It would be for more pay and more responsibilities, and I am feeling very hopeful. The woman who interviewed me on the phone told me she was impressed with my experience, so we will see!

I’ve been having fun crafting still! I slowed down a bit since the holidays just ended, but I already have ideas ready for some (near) future projects! I’ve had some supportive friends order from me, and it honestly is such a nice feeling. I appreciate all of my friends and family, and their support of my crafting page.

I haven’t really come up with a “new years resolution,” but I am working on patience and finding inner peace. I am learning how to focus on the positive and be kinder to myself, which in turn should help me be kinder to others; not that I am mean to others, I just find myself judging others more than I’d like to admit.

Self-reflection is important if you want to improve and progress in life, but sometimes it can be a hard pill to swallow.

Proud

Yesterday I was able to talk my way through an issue of mine which made me feel proud. I was actually reflecting on my attitude from Friday and earlier that morning when I realized how quickly certain symptoms come back when I forget to take my medication (I realized I forgot it Friday and then Saturday morning so I took it right after I had this realization).

When I don’t take my medication, I quickly go back to being very irritable which is my main symptoms of anxiety. I get easily overwhelmed and I start re-prioritizing without sound thinking which in turn overwhelms me more.

Long story short, the sink had dishes, the garbage in the kitchen was full, and I had laundry to do. Mind you, it’s like 10am and I don’t have any other plans for the day, so it wasn’t a big deal, but to me without medication, it’s a HUGE deal! I always have this problem where if there’s something I have control over and I don’t control it I start having negative self talk and everything feels like the end of the world.

Later on I started talking to my boyfriend about it because I kept saying how I wanted to find the root issue as to why I am this way, and all I could remember is that I always had to finish my homework before I could go outside. Now that may not sound like a big thing, and it teaches kids priorities and responsibilities when you have them finish school work before they can play with their friends, but my mind got stuck in that pattern.

In my unmedicated mind, I have to do the dishes/laundry/garbage right away before I can move on and do anything else because those are things that HAVE to be done; but would it really make a difference if I did it two hours later? or six hours later? Or broke up the tasks? No, it really wouldn’t. Lucky for me, I was able to realize this.

As a child, I wasn’t given the option to do homework later after dinner or after playing outside, so I had no way to know if doing it at another time would affect my grades or really anything. For as long as I can remember, anytime I change up a routine I get super anxious and I’m just on edge because I have no idea really what to expect. I like having routine and knowing my tasks and following them because that means (to me) that everything will likely be safe and sound.

I know this is all a minuscule issue compared to many others associated with anxiety disorder, but for me to make this connection/realization and be able to actually take a second and think “why do I feel like this?” is something to be proud of! When in an anxious state of mind it is hard to pause and rationalize, but it is so important to do- even if it is minutes, hours or even days later.

The only way to move forward is to address the triggers from the past, face them, and keep walking.

Random afternoon post

Just chilling in my car on my lunch break since none of us can eat in the break room (too many people without masks), and reflecting on the fact that every Thursday I am supposed to leave at 5 and always end up staying until 5:30-6pm due to how busy we are… unfortunately I don’t think today will be much different.

The good thing is I’m off tomorrow and am dropping off a surprise pre-christmas gift to my best friend and her son, so I’m excited about that! Also a good friend of mine is going to come visit and I get to give her the gift I made for her! It’s a cute Margarita glass with a mini margarita for her!

I’m loving the Christmas season this time around as I’ve said before, but I am genuinely happy being able to make all these gifts for people and it’s so fun! I can’t wait to see everyone’s reactions to their presents. I’ve attached the margarita photo to this post- let me know what you think!

I want to be off of my meds.

Lately I’ve been feeling good, which I’m sure has a lot to do with my medication. I’ve been on a low dose of Cymbalta for about 5 months or so now, and it has been the best anxiety medication I’ve tried. I only take 20mg daily, but I’m also very sensitive to medications so it has made a whole world of a difference.

The last weekend I had a somewhat irrational thought and was like “let’s see what it’s like if I don’t take my medication today,” and by the end of the day I was sobbing uncontrollably. To be fair, it probably wouldn’t have been that bad, but it was that time of the month, so I was I already more emotional than normal. Not really the greatest time to experiment with coming off my anxiety medication, my bad LOL.

My boyfriend helped me to calm down and made me realize that most of what I was experiencing likely had to do with my hormones, but I still know that the medication had something to do with it. The thing is though, my goal is to be off of my medication by February, and absolute latest would be by July. I haven’t been going to therapy but I haven’t really felt the need to either. I have been reading about empaths and highly sensitive people which has helped me to understand more about myself and be able to apply that to every day life.

I have also been very motivated in regards to making crafts/gifts for my friends and family! I am loving Christmas season this time around which is a great improvement from last year. I love that I got my Cricut and I am always using it. Of course or sucks when I make mistakes, but then I learn! Overall I have been feeling good, especially for it being winter. I am happy with the change I’ve seen in myself comparing how I was this time last year.

Looking inward

I read a quote that said something along the lines of the best way to get out of the chaos is to look inward. We forget how powerful our minds are as humans, and as hard as the pill may be to swallow, a lot of our obstacles and issues do boil down to ourselves and how we perceive and react to situations.

Once we accept the fact that we have more control over our minds and bodies than we think, we can begin to start the work. Mind you, we’re all humans. We are capable of having our minds and opinions changed, and we are also likely to make mistakes along the way, but as long as we remember our end goal we can bring ourselves back.

I’m always much more motivated on the weekend, which I guess is because I have more time to do things, but also I could do more during the work week if I schedule out the time to do so. I keep saying I want to go to the gym, but I only ever do it on the weekends, as I am too tired after work and haven’t been able to motivate myself enough to go before work.

I have an issue with changing plans/routines and until I take the first step I am constantly delaying my own progress. I haven’t gone to the gym before work yet as I need to make sure I figure out timing to be able to get back home and shower before I leave for work. In reality it is not a hard task, and honestly I’ve calculated the timing already, it’s just forcing myself to get up to that earlier alarm to do something that will benefit me.

Granted, sleep/rest is beneficial as well, but I am typically in bed by 10:00pm or 11:00pm latest so even getting up at 7:00am I get my full eight hours of sleep. I just always feel uneasy when doing something different or “off schedule,” and that has been an issue of mine for as long as I can remember. I need to continue working on these issues in order for me to improve and live the fullest life I can live.

Irritable (WARNING: strong language)

I’ve been letting my emotions and judgements get the better of me these past couple days and I am honestly upset with myself. I’ve been rude and snippy towards my boyfriend who has done nothing wrong, all because I’m aggravated with a friend when I probably don’t even need to be!

I feel like an asshole being irritated with my friend because I’ve been making assumptions due to the lack of communication which has in turn just made me mad when I don’t even know if I have anything to be mad about!

I did some reflecting yesterday after a conversation with my boyfriend, because I wanted to figure out when my attitude went bad, and I pin-pointed it back to when my dress for my friend’s wedding arrived in the mail. The reason I got so upset is because I may not even need or be able to wear this dress as my friend may be cancelling the ceremony.

In reality, I am allowed to have feelings and be upset and angry, but why am I doing that? The coronavirus is around which obviously has made event planning a million times harder, and things are ever changing when it comes to the lockdowns. She is the one having to plan a wedding during all of this, I should be sympathetic towards her (which I am now). I am thankful that I do not have to be dealing with all of that stress right now.

Since now I probably sound like a total bitch I can explain why I was angry about her possibly cancelling the ceremony. Less than two months ago we were discussing everyone ordering their dresses for the bridal party, and she was overwhelmed and wanted someone else to take it over, so I did without any hesitation! I talked with one of the other bridesmaids and figured out how we all have to order so that it is guaranteed all our dresses are the same exact color, and we picked a date to order!

I informed the bride of when we were all ordering, and we did so as planned. The reason I was upset is because literally two weeks after we ordered is when the bride told me that they’re likely just doing a courthouse wedding and a small celebration afterwards. I was upset because I had just taken this over, got it all done for her, and I felt like she hadn’t been communicating and just dropped this on me. Not to mention I could definitely use that $90 back, but it’s whatever.

For all I know, they didn’t have that decision in their mind back when we placed the order, and that is why I am upset with myself for letting it get me so angry to the point that I was taking it out on someone who doesn’t deserve it. I need to work on being less judgmental and catching/stopping myself when I’m making assumptions. I mean, we all know what they say about assumptions…

Social media break

I’ve decided to take some time away from Facebook and Twitter, as the constant hatred is disheartening to watch and absorb, and I refuse to become bitter like most the people I see on the internet. I have control over what I take in and what I do with my time, and lately I’ve been feeling like social media has been a waste of time.

I love the idea of keeping in touch with old friends and distant family, but when people are constantly putting down others for having different opinions or views it makes you wonder if it’s really worth it. I’ve found myself “muting” and “unfollowing” many people’s feeds because the never ending negativity is becoming too much.

I appreciate productive, respectful conversations and I feel that we as humans can accomplish so much more when we listen to each other and try to learn from one another, rather than listening to speak and in hopes to “win” the conversation or argument. It just seems lately that has been hard to find in my social media bubbles.

I want to take this time to look inward and work on myself, as everyone can make improvements.

Another day

Happy Monday! I am writing this from the break room at work as I was very busy yesterday and was too exhausted to post last night. This morning I was organizing ordering the bridesmaids dresses for my friends wedding in March as I am maid of honor, so that is why I didn’t post this morning.

Life has been busy which is good. I’m finally getting my car fixed after it was hit in July, so I’m driving around a 2020 Nissan Altima as my rental car for now. It’s a nice car but I definitely prefer my 2020 Sonata, which I should have back this week! My friend visited from WI this weekend and we went out to the bar which was nice and normal feeling.

Yesterday my friend had a “drive-by” baby shower as times are weird, but honestly I prefer those for baby showers because then you don’t have to sit there for hours watching them open all the gifts LOL. I feel like even when all this is over I’d prefer to do a drive-by baby shower in the future.

Speaking of which, my boyfriend and I revisited our plans/goals and we are going to try to start having children in a couple of years. We do still want to be married first, and we are currently not engaged, but our wedding plan is to elope in Aruba and we’ve already looked into a lot of it, so we are thinking the planning shouldn’t be too bad.

For the next couple years I plan to continue to work on my mental health. I am planning to wean off of my Cymbalta come Spring as I don’t want to risk coming off right into the winter months, but I’d like to not be on any prescriptions during pregnancy even if they are deemed to be “safe.” I’m still practicing the art of calmness and patience, and I know I will be doing that for the rest of my life, but I want to really dive into that over the next couple years to help prepare for motherhood.

Any tips/tricks/advice would be helpful! I love yoga but have been lacking at practicing, and I want to try meditation again as I feel like I’m at a better place now mentally that I was when I tried it before. I will keep you posted on that!

Early Sunday Morning

This morning I was wide awake at 7am, and I went to bed after midnight so I am not entirely sure why, but I used this morning to put together a little lame crafty card for a friend as I feel she may need a pick me up. I’m terrible about reaching out to friends lately, but I’m trying to get better.

Fall has arrived which makes me very happy! I already started decorating the house because I think it will help prevent me from falling into my seasonal depression at least for now, as I’m not trying to mix together my pandemic depression and my seasonal depression; I mean I can only handle so much.

I feel that I’ve been able to do a lot of self-reflecting during this year and I honestly do feel like I’ve learned a lot about myself and I am really trying to be more grateful and express more love to those who are important to me. Life is so short and our time is never guaranteed, and I am trying to apply that to everyday life, but in a healthy way, not an anxious way.

Today I am hoping to pick up a good book or two from Barnes and Noble, and very likely a nice candle from Bath & Body Works. I can’t spend too much money right now so I have to keep that in mind when I go, but I really want to find a book on Empaths. I’m not looking for one in particular but rather seeing if any look interesting and/or beneficial to me.

Maybe I’ll post later with an update, but until that possible “later” I want to share a peak into my spooky house!