I want to be off of my meds.

Lately I’ve been feeling good, which I’m sure has a lot to do with my medication. I’ve been on a low dose of Cymbalta for about 5 months or so now, and it has been the best anxiety medication I’ve tried. I only take 20mg daily, but I’m also very sensitive to medications so it has made a whole world of a difference.

The last weekend I had a somewhat irrational thought and was like “let’s see what it’s like if I don’t take my medication today,” and by the end of the day I was sobbing uncontrollably. To be fair, it probably wouldn’t have been that bad, but it was that time of the month, so I was I already more emotional than normal. Not really the greatest time to experiment with coming off my anxiety medication, my bad LOL.

My boyfriend helped me to calm down and made me realize that most of what I was experiencing likely had to do with my hormones, but I still know that the medication had something to do with it. The thing is though, my goal is to be off of my medication by February, and absolute latest would be by July. I haven’t been going to therapy but I haven’t really felt the need to either. I have been reading about empaths and highly sensitive people which has helped me to understand more about myself and be able to apply that to every day life.

I have also been very motivated in regards to making crafts/gifts for my friends and family! I am loving Christmas season this time around which is a great improvement from last year. I love that I got my Cricut and I am always using it. Of course or sucks when I make mistakes, but then I learn! Overall I have been feeling good, especially for it being winter. I am happy with the change I’ve seen in myself comparing how I was this time last year.

“Live like the flowers”

Today I got a couple new tattoos which has of course left me feeling very happy! I love getting tattoos, and the best part was I had a gift certificate which was able to cover everything! I got a floral half moon on my back, and I got the quote “live like the flowers” on my collar bone.

The quote has a few inspirations, but overall the meaning behind it is to just be. There’s a quote from Zen shin that reads: “a flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it; it just blooms.” I read that quote years ago and it always sat with me. As I’ve grown older I’ve cared less and less about what others think of me, and now I rarely compare myself to others.

There’s another quote I read that was “live like flowers; wild, beautiful and drenched in sunlight.” Overall I’ve always felt more at home in nature; I love going on walks or just floating in the water. As a kid I was always climbing different trees around the apartments that I grew up in, and now I enjoy hiking when I can and just walking through the park.

Other quotes about flowers touch on the fact that when a flower isn’t blooming you don’t throw it away, you change the environment and/or the way in which you care for the flower. If you water the flower and make sure it gets proper sunlight and nutrients, the flower typically will bloom beautifully. Taking that knowledge and applying to yourself as a human can make a world of a difference in the way in which we “bloom.”

Self-reflecting

Something that I struggle with is staying motivated, and I’ve been feeling down about it lately. I also am upset with myself for my lack of hobbies/passions. I know that I have this blog, and I am proud of that, but there’s so much more that I want to be doing with my writing- I’m just not motivated.

I get mad at myself for being tired and for just laying in bed watching pointless tv, yet I have no desire to get up and work on bettering myself. I know life is hard right now for everyone with everything that’s going on in the world, and I’m sure I’m not the only person feeling this way, but that doesn’t make it any better because I am feeling everyone else’s depression.

I am a human, I am allowed to feel emotions, and I am still working on being able to differentiate the emotions of others; I need to stop being hard on myself. I mean, here I am writing again (even though I missed my regularly scheduled post) and I deserve to be proud of myself.