Grateful Sundays

For some reason it feels like I haven’t typed up a blog post in a while. That could be the fact that I will often write these posts on my phone, but there is something more satisfying about typing it on my laptop, listening to Anderson .Paak Radio, while sipping on some iced coffee. This year when it starts to get warmer, I want to make time to go to different coffee shops or bookstores so I can have new places to write and maybe spark some more creativity. I absolutely love being home, but I want to make sure I don’t become a total homebody because I also love being outside and exploring new environments.

Yesterday I was thinking about what goals I am currently working on. I had listened to an episode from the Mel Robbins Podcast a few weeks back that talked about narrowing down your goals. She even has a free worksheet available on her site to use (I need to invest in a printer so I can start printing these resources out); although I haven’t even looked at this sheet yet, I did remember that she said to only have one to three goals at a time. The less goals, the more time and effort you have to actually spend on working toward that goal. Overall I have been on a healing journey and been focusing on that, but I wanted to actually list out three goals that I am currently working towards so that I can come back to them and re-focus when I inevitably fall out of it.

My first goal I am working on is being more present. I know I have mentioned this in previous posts, but within the last year it really hit me that I have spent most of my life on autopilot and in a hypervigilant state. According to WebMD, Hypervigilance is defined as: “the elevated state of constantly assessing potential threats around you,” and states that it is often the result of a trauma. Growing up in an unpredictable environment (for me, having alcoholic parents, one of which was an angry drunk), has left my nervous system in a continuous state of dysregulation. Since I spent most of my life planning ahead, coming up with worst-case scenarios so I could be prepared for whatever happened (which btw, is just a lie my anxiety told me), I never was actually in the present moment. I may have been physically there, but mentally I was always elsewhere. I can look back at photos and not even remember that day, which honestly broke my heart when I started realizing how few memories I had. Now I am making a more conscious effort to check in with myself throughout the day so that it becomes more second nature for me to do so. I also decided to start a 2023 memory jar, and whenever I have a fun experience or something brings me joy, I write it on a little piece of paper and fold it up and throw it in the jar! That way at the end of the year, I can remind myself how amazing the year was, and hopefully continue this tradition.

Another important goal of mine is to always find the joy in things, and actively do things that bring me happiness. Now this doesn’t need to be extravagant things like traveling to Caribbean or going on shopping sprees-although those things definitely do bring me joy, but I want to focus on the simple things in life. As I’ve stated multiple times throughout this blog, I absolutely love nature walks and being outside. In the winter I unfortunately let my hatred of the cold win most battles, but I am finding other things that bring me joy within my own home. I love writing, even though I may not always feel like writing, once I start I realize how much I needed it and how great I feel afterwards. I also enjoy reading, listening to podcasts, and of course singing and dancing along to some good jams. I also go in and out of phases of enjoying crafting, which I honestly haven’t done in a while, but I did think about starting to make some crafts again that have to do with mental health and healing! I also still want to start a podcast or at least start streaming again on Twitch, because I honestly love talking and can literally talk to myself for hours, so maybe others will want to listen. I have had multiple friends say we should start a podcast together, so I have thought of just starting one and bringing everyone one as guests. That will require more thought and planning, but either way I will be sure to find the joy in all of it!

The last, but certainly not least, goal of mine that I am focusing on my health, which includes my mental health. I want to consistently work on regulating my nervous system with exercise, meditation and journaling. I also want to be more mindful about my food choices and work on eating/drinking less sugar. I am not a person who does well with diets, as I get very obsessive with calorie/carb counting and it becomes unhealthy, so I am just focusing on being mindful in my day to day choices. I also feel that part of focusing on my health includes not holding onto anger or bitterness, so I am actively working on speaking up when things bother me, and also sharing my opinions even if they differ from others. Constantly muting myself in conversations is only depleting my self-worth and building up resentment; I know that everyone has differing opinions and sometimes I may come off offensive, but as long as my intentions are pure and all with love, then I will continue to be okay with myself and with the outcome. As I said before, I love talking…so I am done silencing myself.

As January comes to a slow close, I am looking forward to working towards my goals this year and continuing to check in with myself. I know that life with bring challenges and hiccups as it always does, but as I continue to regulate my nervous system and focus on my mental health, I will become more emotionally mature and more confident in myself along the way. I have made it through all of my worst days, and I am stronger because of it. I am excited to finally see myself in a different, more accepting light; I appreciate my resilience and the empathy I have for myself along the way. In my opinion, love is always going to be the answer; I am choosing to give my inner child the love she deserves, therefore giving my present self that same love.

Low

I believe my last post had to do with my back pain, and I am happy to say that I have had much improvement over the week, but I do still have some pain. I went to my chiropractor and got some new x-rays done, and basically I am making progress which is kind of causing the pain. My hips are off-center because of the 10-degree curve in my spine, and as we are making progress on the curve, my hips are realigning. The way he explained it is that the joint in my hip doesn’t want to continue making progress and it is fighting back, but as we continue with adjustments and my therapies that it will continue to get better.

I am excited to get back in the gym and get back to being active, as I’ve been laying pretty low since having this pain. I have been stretching and still running errands and what not as I want to stay moving, but I can’t wait to be back to 100%! I have a feeling I’ll be feeling that way by the end of this week, considering I’ll be seeing my chiropractor Mon-Wed!

I’m not going to lie, it’s been a little rough for me not to start getting down on myself or anxious. I hate “falling behind” on house chores and I was also super motivated for this new year and to feel like I’ve been spending most of it in pain makes me upset. I have to make sure I take time to remember all of the beautiful things that have already happened this year.

For example, I got to make vision boards with my best friend! We are going to make this a yearly tradition to make vision boards for the new year, and I am so happy with how mine turned out! I also got to hang out with my childhood bff, and just laughing and chilling with her felt healing in and of itself. We’re excited to hang out more this year, and overall I am very excited for this year ahead.

Yesterday my boyfriend and I went to Portillo’s, which was such a yummy treat. I literally was craving their cheese fries for three days leading up to that lunch date, so to say I was excited was an understatement. After that we traveled out to the Dick’s Warehouse Sale, and after sifting through some very interesting products, we each found a pair of shoes we liked! Once we were home I went to hang out with a friend of mine, and just enjoyed a pretty chill night.

This year hasn’t been bad, I am just learning to live slower and more mindfully. I also feel that this pain has taught me that I need to keep moving and take care of myself, which is something I’ve been saying for a long time, but haven’t been doing. I deserve to be healthy and enjoy life, and I am the only one who can give myself that. As I continue to heal, I will remember to keep tuning into gratitude and being present. Happy Sunday!

2023 vision board

2022 Progress Report: Proud and Grateful

As the year slowly comes to a close, I am looking forward to continue my healing into 2023. I have learned so much about myself over this year, and I am honestly very proud of my growth. I think back to when my mother had her stroke in February, and how instead of sitting and worrying about if or when she would have another one, I instead turned to gratitude. I was grateful that she is still here, and she can function normally and on her own; she is truly blessed, and I feel the same way. If this were to have happened a few years ago, I would have spiraled for probably months, just riddled with anxiety. I am proud of the fact that I find it easier to turn to gratitude during tough times.

I also am grateful that I am getting better at communicating when I am bothered by something. A few months ago, I was able to have a conversation with a close friend about something that I felt like could have been confrontational or maybe even hurtful. Although I was anxious about it, I was able to clearly communicate my intentions and thoughts, and because she is a good friend, I felt heard and understood during that conversation! I am proud that instead of just being quiet about it and building up resentment, I decided to speak up for myself and discuss my feelings. As someone who has avoided conflict and kept quiet her whole life, that one single act felt like it broke a huge barrier for me, and for that I am proud of myself.

Throughout the year I’ve struggled with judgment; truly it’s been me judging myself for judging others, and then realizing that those judgments I had towards others were actually the judgments I had towards myself. I had read about that in a book, and I’ve also heard it on podcasts before, but it really clicked this year. Although there have been a lot of hard truths to swallow, it has also been calming in a way to release that urge to control or “rescue” others. In reality, I only have the power to control or “rescue” myself, and that is what I will continue to focus on.

I am so grateful to have access to therapy and to have found such amazing podcasts that I enjoy listening to. I also am happy that I started reading more books again this year, and I plan to read even more in 2023. I plan to dedicate time to myself each day, even if only for one minute on some days, because I deserve that love and attention from myself. I plan to be authentic and honest and speak up for myself whenever needed, and I plan to be unapologetic about setting healthy boundaries. I am planning to be less busy and live calmer and slower; after living with a dysregulated nervous system for most of my life, I want to do my absolute best to try to regulate it.

2023: More connecting with nature, less connecting with technology. More reading books, less scrolling through Instagram. More time doing what I love, less wasting time doing things that don’t align with me. More pausing and slowing down, less rushing and stressing. More focusing on my values and goals, less judging and doubting myself. I am doing only what I feel is best for me, and I won’t feel guilty about it.

Thanksgiving 2022

I am grateful for another year of growing and learning about myself. I am so blessed to have a loving, supportive life partner who lifts me up, and who makes me feel seen and understood. I am grateful for the genuine friends who cheer for me while I cheer for them. I am thankful for my family, whether near or far they always make me feel loved. There are so many people in my life who truly mean so much to me, and I am forever grateful for everyone.

When it comes to me and my current goals, I am focusing on growing and striving for happiness in my everyday life. As I’ve said before, practicing gratitude has been very helpful in keeping a more positive perspective and attitude. I am working hard to practice the art of letting go and realizing when I am worrying about things beyond my control. I am also focusing on trusting myself and my intuition, and not feeling guilty for setting boundaries or speaking my mind.

Everyone else in the world has no problem speaking their opinions, so why do I silence mine? Especially when I feel that those with good intentions and empathy should be speaking out more. In his podcasts, Jay Shetty often mentions a quote by Martin Luther King Jr: “Those who love peace must learn to organize as effectively as those who love war.” I am taking this time for me to get organized in my own thoughts for my own inner peace, because I deserve to be at my best, just as my loved ones around me deserve me at my best.

Saturday, November 5th

Today is the day that my face will be up on a digital billboard in my town! I was lucky that the writing community I am in wanted to advertise in a major city near me, and they were generous enough to give me a billboard right in my town too so I didn’t have to go an hour and a half away to see it! It will be playing with other ads, and it is only for today! The billboard says: “What Makes You Strong? Enter our writing contest on TheUnsealed.com,” and then has my happy face on there! I am so happy that I joined this community and have been able to get some of my writing out into the public eye; this whole experience has been wild, as it has brought up things within me that I hadn’t truly realized before.

I always have had trouble celebrating myself, and I also hate being the center of attention (although apparently as a Leo I should love the spotlight), so being excited about something so public and personal felt weird to me. I know I am allowed to feel from this and I honestly do, but I realized that I have a habit of downplaying any exciting things or achievements in my life. When I graduated from community college, with a degree that I paid for with no loans or help from FAFSA, I remembered saying to my boyfriend: “Is it weird that I am not that excited? Like I don’t even want walk the stage.” He was encouraging and understood that school had been stressful and it was probably just a relief to be done, but also made sure I knew that he was super proud of me and I should be too. I did end up walking the stage, and both of our families were there to celebrate me which made me feel so loved.

While realizing that I have trouble celebrating myself, I also was connecting that to how I also have trouble truly looking at my life traumas as… well, traumas. I can honestly say that it was only within the last year or so that I truly felt validated in feeling traumatized, and it happened while listening to Gabrielle Bernstein on her “Dear Gabby” Podcast. She was talking about how everyone has trauma, and then talked about “Big T” traumas and “Little T” traumas. An example of a “Little T” trauma would be if you were standing in line to get food as a child and another classmate came over and called you fat. Even though this may not sound like a big deal, this thought can live in your brain and if you get stuck on that thought it can become all you think about and completely diminish any self-love or self-esteem that was there. But what struck me in this podcast was when she listed “having an alcoholic parent” as a “Big T” trauma… because I had two. Even though I had been going to therapy for years at this point, it still never hit me like it did in that moment. I had “Big T” trauma that I was dealing with, and I should be so proud of how far I’ve come. As I sit here and write this today, I am very proud of all of the work that I have done, and I look forward to seeing my continued progress.

I can say that as I am continuing this healing journey, I have moments of grieving where I feel so sad and distraught about the fact that I have been so distant from my own feelings and presence. But in those same moments, I am very present in those feelings, which makes me feel almost happy in a way, because that means I am here now. What I mean is that I am present with those hard emotions and I am feeling them all the way through, and that in and of itself is being present. I still struggle with celebrating myself, but I find when I am writing, it tends to come through me. There is that confident, higher self that is within me and she is working hard to break through. Together we are un-learning bad habits, re-wiring old thoughts, and immersing ourselves in podcasts and books about healing and mental health. I am the one who is writing my blog posts, I am the one who is going to therapy, I am the one who is doing all of this hard work, and I am doing it for me. I deserve to feel the love for myself that others can so effortlessly give to me, and I deserve all of the happy things that are in my life.

clouds ☁️

Eleven Years

Today marks 11 years since my boyfriend asked me to be his girlfriend, and it’s honestly insane to me to think about how we were only 16 when we started our relationship. We have truly grown together and grown stronger through all of the years, and I am so excited to see what our long future ahead holds! As he sleeps next to me, I want to take time to write a few key things I am grateful for in this relationship, that I feel could help benefit others! I could probably write a whole book about it, and maybe I will one day, but for now I hope you enjoy.

1. Patience. My boyfriend is probably the most patient man in the world; and if not, I can say he is definitely the most patient person in my world. I am so blessed to have someone who has taken the time to get to truly know me, and hasn’t been pushy or aggressive in any way. He was so helpful when I was going through starting therapy and different medications to help with my anxiety, and he was always understanding and helpful. Over the years, I have been able to improve my patience and I feel like he is a big part of that. I used to freak out over small things, like if I asked him to put the dishes away and if he didn’t do it within like 30 seconds I’d be pissed. Over time, with his help and my therapist, I realized a lot of this anger stemmed from my control issues and even though I’d feel like things needed to be done ASAP, the truth was I’d survive if it was done a few hours from then, or even the next day. I definitely annoyed the shit out of him for the longest, and was even annoyed by him for it too, but with time and patience we have been able to get through everything. I know life will continue to test our patience, but I just know we will be able to get through anything. When the time comes, I know he will be the best father to our future children, and because of him I also feel I’ll be a more patient mother.

2. Communication. In the beginning of our relationship, communicating wasn’t easy. We were both sixteen, this was my first high school relationship, and I was a very insecure, anxious girl. We definitely had our struggles- I would avoid any conflict/confrontation so if anything ever upset me I’d just hold it in to avoid a fight, but once we had any disagreement then everything I was ever mad about would come out and I would explode! He was always so confused and would ask why I didn’t tell him at the time I was bothered, and that came back to me avoiding fights (clearly not working LOL). We came up with a plan to regularly check in with each other when we were both in a good headspace and talk about anything that bothered us. This practice helped us so much and although we have grown together and have developed much better communication skills, it’s still nice to do every once in a while!

3. Honesty. This is key in any relationship, but I find that most people do struggle with this even in adult life. From the beginning of our relationship, we developed a good sense of trust. Of course as teenagers we are young and don’t know much about the world or relationships yet, and there were definitely things we had to work through, but overall the honesty and transparency is something I am so grateful for today. Even in high school, we were never the couples that had each other’s facebook logins or went through each others phones, and we still don’t do that as of today. I remember hearing how common it was so have couples share passwords and even then we thought it was so stupid; if you don’t have that trust, then don’t be together. People deserve their own lives and privacy, and just because someone did you wrong in the past, doesn’t mean this whole different human would do the same. That’s where communication comes back in, but I truly believe honesty and trust are a key foundation for any relationship.

4. Respect. Now this one is also a huge one to me, probably because I grew up observing relationships that didn’t have this. My boyfriend and I both have respect for each other, and in our relationship it comes out in our love and adoration for each other. Throughout the past 11 years, we have never called each other any names, we do not yell or swear at each other in fights, and we honestly just treat each other how we want to be treated. I have so much respect for him, I could never really talk down on him or talk to him that way, and I know he’d never treat me that way either. We both want a loving, healthy relationship so that’s what we work for!

There are so many more qualities of our relationship that I am grateful for, but he is awake and we are heading home, so I’m going to end this here. I wish you all well and a Sunday full of love!

Monday Mindset

It’s a new week and I didn’t snooze my alarm this morning, even though I really wanted to. I was super and ready to sleep for another 25 minutes and just skip any journaling or stretching, but then I remembered that last night I was so excited to be starting my week off right, and I didn’t want to take that away from myself.

I am going to do a little yoga after this post, and I wanted to take time on here to express some gratitude this morning. Feel free to comment what you are grateful for today, or even post your own blog about it and share it with everyone!


I am grateful for my boyfriend and our relationship. I am blessed to have a healthy relationship where we can easily communicate our differences and we always make each other feel loved and respected.

I am blessed to have a home that we love and has everything we could ever need. We have clean water, heat/AC, working appliances, and we are blessed enough to be able to afford our home and utilities.

I am lucky to have a job that I don’t hate, and that allows me to pay my bills, have insurance and still be able to live a life I want. I’m off on weekends and I enjoy my schedule during the week!

I am grateful for my friends. I feel blessed to have so many different, yet close, friendships. My friends are all very different, yet all very supportive and loving in their own ways, and I am lucky to have so many good people by my side.

I am thankful for my physical and mental health. I’m blessed that I can walk, talk, eat and use the bathroom without any need for assistance, and I’m lucky that my recent physical and labs went well! I am also so grateful for access to therapy as well as books and podcasts that are helping me improve my mental health.

There are so many other things I am grateful for, but those are just to name a few. For now, I am going stretch and get ready for the rest of my day! I hope everyone has a great Monday and great week ahead!

Being Intentional

Today is back to work after enjoying a long weekend, and I am looking forward to the week ahead! I definitely feel tired today, but I know that once I come home I can relax and do what I want to do with my time. I got to see my parents as well as a couple friends during my time off, and I am planning to see another friend during the week, and I am going to visit someone else this upcoming Sunday!

I know I didn’t really write about it here, but mid August I found out that one of my previous coworkers passed away during childbirth. Death is always hardest for me, and I always find myself questioning so many things and my anxiety always spikes. This time around I really tried to dig into my emotions and lay low, and even though her and I were not close or friends by any means, it still affected me.

I was feeling guilty for being sad, mainly because she wasn’t always my favorite person, but at the same time I would never wish death upon anyone and I couldn’t stop thinking about her family and children she was leaving behind. It kept reminding me that death truly is the only guarantee in life, and the only thing we can really do about that is be intentional with our time.

We can do our best to spend time with the people we love, so I am trying to make a more conscious effort to at least message friends more, if not see them in person. It’s also important that I do what I want in life, because I have no idea when I will pass on! When you think about it, we should truly be living like every day is our last. I mean I wouldn’t recommend taking out thousands of dollars of loans to go on an extended vacation in Greece (as tempting as that sounds), but if you always say you want to do more of something, start doing that thing!

For me, I always say I want to read more and write more, and this year I have been doing much more of those two things, but I can still do more! If I plan to fulfill my dream of writing a book, those are both things I should be investing my time into. I also say I want to be more mindful about my eating and overall health, so it is time that I start paying more attention to that.

Small, daily habits are what truly matter, and it’s important that you schedule some time for yourself. Whether it’s five or ten minutes to meditate, twenty minutes to read, or thirty for a workout, all of that time adds up over your life. Imagine how many days/weeks of our lives we have spent scrolling through online content, watching endless TikToks and reels- is any of that truly important? For some, that answer is yes, and that’s okay! For others, they are annoyed with how much time they spend on social media.

Everyone has different interests, but what matters is that you do what is important to you, and you live life intentionally for yourself. If you are constantly living for others, it becomes easy to lose yourself and go down a path you didn’t necessarily want. Life is always too short, so take some time to check in with yourself and start doing more of what you want to do!

Health Update

After two years of getting through the pandemic without catching covid, I finally tested positive last week. I went to the immediate care because I thought I had a double ear infection and/or a sinus infection because my whole head felt like I was underwater; when I blew my nose I could hear cracking and there was so much pressure behind my ears it was insane.

Not to mention the never-ending headaches were something else, it hurt just to move my eyes around in my head. I felt super fatigued and overall just like garbage. My boyfriend also unfortunately came down with symptoms as well; he had a low-grade fever and he actually threw up a couple of times during our quarantine.

I will say we are extremely blessed to have had relatively minor cases and I’m also glad we know so much more about Covid now compared to two years ago. We knew just to stay inside and rest, drink plenty of water, and we also supplemented with Vitamin D and Zinc. I tried to make sure I was eating healthier options, although I definitely door-dashed some McDonalds (hey, I’m only human)!

I am back to work tomorrow and have a doctors appointment on Wednesday to follow up with my OB. I had originally made an appointment with her as I’ve been having excruciating pain during my ovulation and I want to make sure I don’t have cysts or something else going on. The pain happened the last two cycles and it had happened once earlier in the year as well, but it definitely doesn’t feel normal. I’m hoping she will order an ultrasound so that they can look at my uterus/ovaries and make sure everything is okay.

I also want to talk to her about the possible chemical pregnancy that I had earlier this month. I had some weird PMS this time around and was having some nausea and was crying at almost everything which isn’t like my normal PMS, so when it was a day late I decided to take an early response test and it had a faint positive. Now knowing that chemical pregnancies are a thing and the fact that it was very faint, I didn’t get too excited or nervous because I just felt like nothing was confirmed.

The next day I decided to take another early response test to see if it was positive, and it was very clearly negative, and then the following day I got my period. The OB still ordered a blood HCG test which was negative as well. When I talked to the nurse at my OB’s office she let me know that it was either a false positive or a chemical pregnancy, which is basically when the embryo formed but didn’t continue developing. I truly feel like it was a chemical pregnancy just due to all of the weird symptoms I was having, but there really isn’t a way to know for sure.

I just want to make sure I am taking care of myself and my health so that in the future we can hopefully have healthy children of our own. I know that often people struggle to get pregnant, so it would be nice to know if I will have difficulties just so we can be somewhat prepared.

I know that everything happens for a reason, and I am exactly where I am supposed to be, so I am not too worried; worrying doesn’t change the outcome anyways. I am blessed to have such a great life partner who I got to quarantine with, and I’m glad we have advances in health and technology which will help me if ever needed in the future. I’m also super grateful that I am recovering and will feel 100% heading into Leo Season!! My birthday is less than two weeks away and I am here to celebrate! Here’s to a great week ahead!

Resting

I have been laying low the last few days as I’ve been having some health issues. I’m hoping today to see my primary care, but I am waiting on a call from their office. If I cannot see them, I’ll be going to immediate care or something because I am 99% sure I have a sinus/ear infection and I need some antibiotics.

Over the weekend I woke up with a nasty headache and it kinda lingered for a couple of days; it was hurting whenever I moved my eyes, and I can still feel the pressure if I look down. I also started having pain in my ears when I blow my nose, and I keep sweating a lot in my sleep. I had an on and off again low-grade fever and was off work Monday because I woke up with a fever. I was negative for covid thankfully, and I did work yesterday, but today is normally my scheduled day off so I’m going to use it to my advantage.

I often get really obsessive about really anything, so the problem when my health starts being weird is that I cannot stop googling my symptoms and freaking myself out. I know I’m going to be fine regardless, I just always have too many things going on at once. My hormones are all out of whack right now, so I’ve been super emotional and crying every day. Being sick also doesn’t help with that, because I always feel more emotional when I’m ill for whatever reason.

I took the whole day yesterday to just lay in bed; well, other than getting my covid test and a blood test one of my doctors ordered. I couldn’t help but feel guilty for not doing anything, even though I kept reminding myself that my body needs rest. Yesterday I felt a bit better, so after work I made sure to bring the garbage in, I emptied the dishwasher, cleaned the litter and started laundry. I threw a frozen pasta meal on the stove and was so proud of myself for getting everything done, even though I still was not feeling 100%.

When my boyfriend came home I was telling him how I got all this stuff done since I couldn’t do anything on Monday, and he just looked at me and said “You don’t feel well, you are supposed to rest. You don’t have to ‘make up for it,’ because resting is what you need to do. You shouldn’t feel guilty for that.”

I shouldn’t feel guilty for that… he’s right! And I knew he was right, because I had already had this battle in my head while I was laying in bed all day on Monday. I kept reminding myself that I have to listen to my body, and if we don’t take our rest days, our bodies will force us to take them.

Today I’m still gonna take it relatively easy, I just have a grocery pick up and hopefully I’ll just be able to see my regular doctor today instead of immediate care. I just want to feel myself again, so hopefully I will soon.