Refreshed

I had an amazing weekend with one of my best friends from high school! I went up in northern WI to visit her and she lives five minutes from the lake, so we had quite a fun-filled adventure of a weekend!

The Wisconsin State Fair was in town which was absolute perfect timing, as they announced the dates after we had already planned this weekend. So our weekend was full of concerts and fair rides, as well as funnel cakes and cheese curds! We also went out on her boyfriend’s boat and jet ski which was honestly the most fun thing I’ve done in quite a while!

We also went hiking and to the zoo in her town, and she made a nice crab dinner which was heavenly. We went to the beach, we went to the bars… it was just a total blast! I got home last night and was so happy to be able to snuggle with my boyfriend (I missed him like crazy even though we were having fun)!

Today my boyfriend had to go back into the office after over a year of working from home. I had the day off as I feel you always need a day after vacation to catch back up on life and recharge. I did laundry, grocery shopped, made a sh*t-ton of bacon (LOL), and also finished up making gifts for my friend for her wedding that I’m in this upcoming weekend! Oh, I also learned a tik-tok dance (cringe, I know), but to be honest, it was fun!

This month is super busy for me, and normally I’d be overwhelmed but I have been feeling relatively good lately! I’m planning to keep this mindset as the days go by! I hope everyone is having a good Monday!

July

July is my favorite month. It is my birthday month which may have a little to do with it, but overall I just love being in the sun! This year I am busy every weekend; I’m visiting family and friends in far(ish) places, I’m in a wedding in a couple of weeks, and then I get to celebrate my 26th birthday at the end of the month!

I always feel more motivated in the summer, and I need to use this fuel to create discipline and habits. I keep reading about how people wait for motivation to do things, and how terrible it is to do that because us humans are not always motivated; we have to be disciplined.

We’re not always going to be motivated to go to the gym or eat healthy, but we know it’s what is good for our physical and mental health. I’m not saying never have a cookie or a bowl of mac & cheese, but be mindful about the decisions and make a better choice for the next meal, or work out for an extra 30 minutes.

I’ve been doing arm workouts at home every other day, and I’ve been going to the gym a bit more frequently. With it being so nice out I’ve been at the pool a few times already this summer, and I’ve been going on more walks which is also great for my mental (and physical) health. I would like to be disciplined in good habits before I get married and pregnant, so I’m trying to keep that in mind.

Anyways, July is going to be a great month! Manifest it and finesse it!

What to do

I have this itch to start doing something new, like youtube or streaming. My boyfriend and I have talked about doing a podcast type thing together or a reaction video channel, but I think I have a fear of both failure and even success. It would suck to put a bunch of time and effort into something for it to flop or not be fun, but it would also be insane if it took off for some reason and then you have to keep up with that.

I’ve always wanted to do things to help people deal with their mental health, but I also feel like I am not in a position to help people when I’m still learning how to help myself. Humor and making people laugh can also help those give a relief of pain for a while, so maybe we should just start with reaction videos.

Another thing is I’ve always enjoyed singing, but not many people have heard me sing. I have thought about singing and posting that too, but also I’m hesitant. A part of me wants to re-download tik tok because simple one minute or less videos sounds much easier and quicker, but I also feel like I will waste a bunch of time scrolling.

I don’t know I just feel motivated, but also not because I’m clearly not focused and don’t know exactly what I want to do. I just need to do something!

Monday Motivation

I’m happy to be writing this today in a much better state of mind than I was in the last post. I am taking my duloxetine prescription every other day right now, and I added in daily B6, B12 and Magnesium supplements that were recommended by my therapist. I’m planning to go on a walk after this post and soak up the sun and just pay attention to the beautiful world around me. My therapist recommended that I work my stresses/anger out with meditation and working out, which is something I have been meaning to start doing but haven’t actually done.

In a way, I think me coming off my medication and realizing how NOT okay I am has been a great thing! I thought I was making so much progress, and although it was a hard pill to swallow when I realized that I hadn’t, it is better to know now so I can do the work that is needed. I may add another therapist into the mix, as my current therapist is extremely busy, but I also am thinking about seeing someone who is more holistic in practice. It can be nice to get different viewpoints and advice, and I also know I don’t want to be on any more medications so if I can avoid that I will.

I am also looking at self-help books and podcasts, as I feel like the more I immerse myself in healing and learning about how to deal with anxiety, the better I can help myself. Us humans have been living in a social media world for decades at this point; we constantly are scrolling and absorbing post after post, switching from angry to sad to happy and I am sure this has some effects on mental health. I downloaded all of my data and deactivated my Facebook last week, and I am proud of myself for cutting that off as it truly was an addiction. I already have noticed a positive difference in how I feel and how I use my time.

I keep saying I am going to write more, and I will. This is going to help me with my healing and will keep me focused on the goal. If I find myself scrolling, I will work on redirecting myself to writing, reading, meditating, or getting some exercise. All I want is to be able to truly love myself, and in order to do so I have to actively practice self-love. I know I am not perfect, and I will not do this all the time, but as along as I remind myself how important this is and keep coming back to it, I will make progress.

Fcking rough

Well, I apparently cannot handle being off my meds completely. Today after multiple breakdowns, crying uncontrollably, having sudden waves of anger followed by hateful thoughts toward myself, I took my anxiety pill. Honestly it makes me upset, because this means I am NOT ready to come off of it and clearly I haven’t been working on myself enough.

It’s hard for me to not be angry with myself and my brain, but I keep trying to remind myself that it is an imbalance and I am only human. I know I can’t be okay all the time, but I definitely cannot be off of this medication full time yet. I haven’t felt these feelings in so long- just complete rage toward myself for not being strong and not knowing myself enough.

I am so lucky to have a wonderful man in my life who is accepting of me always, but also is very honest with me (which I need). He has been my rock through it all, and even when I’m feeling so terribly about myself, he reminds me that I am deserving of love. Everything today, every emotion, has felt completely earth-shattering even though literally nothing happened.

I have since calmed down, and after talking with my boyfriend we decided I should take the medication every other day as I was when I was weaning off. Hopefully this way, I can still have these emotions that I haven’t had in a while so it’s easier to tell the therapist where I am struggling and what I need to work on. I am not defeated, I obviously have survived a lot so I can get through this too, it just feels like a huge step back for some reason.

Never a day off

Happy Monday! Today I am off of work, but I feel like I have already done so much today. In reality all I did was grocery shop and make a couple phone calls, but it feels productive! I had a busy weekend celebrating my pregnant friends- one gender reveal (it’s a boy!), and one baby shower (her baby girl is due on my birthday)! I also worked on Saturday so I have really just been moving around all weekend!

Today I have a list of tasks, and luckily I am just about finished. Other than going to the grocery store, I made an eye doctor appointment so I can get my contacts and glasses updated before I fall off my parents’ insurance. I reached out to Feldco to get some questions answered in regards to our window financing; we had all 12 windows in the house replaced on Wednesday! I also had to reach out to my current 401k holder and discuss doing a rollover from a previous employer (which I’ve never done before so that was a learning experience)! Luckily I already snuck some laundry in over the weekend between all of the celebrations.

I love when I feel this motivated and on top of getting things done. Granted I am a little stressed as I feel like there is a lot going on, but when isn’t there? As long as I am aware of everything going on and keep it organized in my calendar and work on a little bit at a time, everything will be fine. Since I was able to get a lot done, I told a friend I could help her with some stuff she has to do for her bridal shower next weekend (I know, it never ends! LOL). I am planning to take a walk once I am done with this post as it is a hot, sunny day and I always feel great after soaking up some sunlight.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Monday!

Mind Over Matter

“Mind over matter.” That expression is something that my mother always says to me; whether I’m feeling sick or I’m overwhelmed with work, she always reminds me of this saying.

I used to get so mad as a kid when I was feeling sick and she would say this to me, because I really just felt like “if I could make myself feel better, then I wouldn’t be sick.” Growing up I am learning that I can control how I respond and react to situations; even in those instances where I feel ill, if I focus more on what’s going on around me, usually I can “lessen” those symptoms.

For now, my focus is to learn how to be at peace. I’m learning to let go of other people’s issues, and even better, not to take them on in the first place. Of course I will always have empathy and sympathy for my friends and family, but I will not allow it to consume me.

Your mind is such a powerful tool, and although we use it daily, there are small things we can do to truly change our way of thinking. Focusing on being grateful and positive, and remembering how blessed we truly are will only benefit us in the long run.

It’s so easy to sit and get down on ourselves, but instead of feeding our minds with negative thoughts and self-doubt, we should encourage ourselves like we do our friends. I never tell my friends that they’re stupid or failing, because that’s rude and hurtful and also untrue- yet I’ll sit and tell myself that over and over again in my head all day. But what does that do for me? Nothing good.

Calm and content.

Well it’s Tuesday at 11:08pm and I just remembered that I still hadn’t posted here yet. I’d like to say I’ve been busy and motivated, which I guess is somewhat true, but also I feel like I haven’t been doing anything. I mean I’ve been working and then just hanging with my boyfriend. We did grab lunch with a couple friends on Sunday which was nice.

I’ve been enjoying my time with my boyfriend, and we actually went looking at rings over the weekend to give him some ideas (his suggestion)! I am so happy to be spending my life with him, and although I’m excited for the proposal, I don’t want to know anything about it. I don’t care where it is, who is there, if it’s photographed or not… I just want it to be a surprise.

He had asked me recently if I wanted the proposal to be in front of people or if I wanted it to be just us and I told him I didn’t care. I honestly feel like it being just us makes the most sense, I mean we are each other’s best friend and it’s always just us two, but again I won’t care either way.

I’ve kind of enjoyed just slowing down a bit this past week and moving into this week. It gives me time to appreciate things a bit more as I feel like I can take time to observe and take everything in. I am seeing my therapist this Friday and I honestly am excited, because I feel like I’m in a good headspace so we can start digging into more parts of my brain.

I’m getting tired as I type this, so I’ll close this off. I honestly was planning to write more, but I didn’t even make my weekly Sunday post this week sooooo no promises.

I’m not getting vaccinated (yet)

There seems to be some stigma going around those who aren’t getting the Covid-19 vaccine. I’ve seen posts on social media of people making fun of those who aren’t getting it saying things like: “people aren’t getting the vaccine because they don’t know what’s in it but then go eat hot dog” or “so glad I got my vaccine, I can’t even feel the chip!” and so on and so forth.

Honestly, I have a sense of humor so I find these to be funny, but I also am aware that because I am not vaccinated and am choosing to wait longer that people will judge me for it. I honestly don’t care that people are judging me or making assumptions about be, but I do know that not all others are comfortable in speaking up about not getting the vaccine. I wish people would just remember that we’re all individuals with our own rights to our bodies and we as adults can make these decisions for ourselves.

For myself personally, I do not feel comfortable getting the vaccine just yet. I am young and healthy, and have been blessed to not be severely affected by Covid-19 this past year. I am aware this is NOT the case for everyone, and that there have been deaths because of this virus, but again I have to make the choice for me, and I can do so based on my experience even though it hasn’t been the same experience for everyone. I also wear my mask in public, and if I were to ever get covid I would follow guidelines and quarantine because I know everyone reacts so differently to the virus.

This vaccine is very new and the most effective ones use mRNA, which is different than all of the other vaccines I’ve had before. According to studies and science, it is rare to have adverse reactions and there is no concern about future fertility problems, but just like the virus, everyone’s body reacts differently. Please also keep in mind I haven’t had an annual flu shot in at least ten years simply because I don’t find it necessary in my current state of health. I also didn’t get the HPV vaccine when that was new and still refuse to get it as I know someone who’s sister became paralyzed shortly after receiving it.

I want to mention that I have not attempted to have children yet, and have always had this fear that I may have fertility problems. I know that the CDC website says there’s no evidence to show the vaccine would have any effect on future fertility, but it would be difficult for me if I were infertile and they couldn’t explain why, because I’d always have it in the back of my mind “was it because I got the vaccine?” “did I do this?” I know that being young and healthy, I’d have extremely high chances of surviving covid, and for me I’d rather take the risk of getting Covid than the vaccine (at least at this point in time).

Now, I am not saying I will never get the covid vaccine, but I would like to wait a bit longer to see more data. I recently came across an article about how Pfizer was sued for $2.3mil in 2009 for basically not adequately reporting the adverse reactions of medications to the FDA. In high school I also did a project on anti-depressants and learned a lot about the FDA and how they’ve let tens and thousands of people die from “approved” medications before taking it off the market years later. I don’t think it’s crazy to want to wait longer than a few months to see how people react to the different vaccines.

I will never discourage anyone from getting the vaccine. I totally understand why people are getting it, and am so happy for my friends who are excited to get it! I feel like we all have our own choices as adults, and people should be more open to conversation about why people are choosing to wait to get vaccinated. If you don’t want to hang out with me because I’m not vaccinated, that’s literally fine with me! I truly just don’t like the idea of people being shamed for not getting vaccinated, and I don’t like seeing the media use fear tactics to convince someone to get the vaccine; we are all free to make our own choices.

Motivated and mindful

I’ve been feeling very motivated this past week. I’ve been more mindful of what I’m eating and my physical activity levels, and it’s already making such a difference! I’m not going on runs or to the gym or anything just yet, but getting back into walks and at home workouts.

I have really been trying to focus on myself and improving myself both mentally and physically. One thing I am struggling with though is this constant battle of feeling selfish, and feeling like I’m being an assh*le to my friends and family.

The thing is I’m a super low-maintenance person, which isn’t good nor bad but it definitely differs from a lot of my friends/family. Not to say everyone else is high-maintenance, but when I tell you I’m low maintanence it’s like I never want or need anything from anyone. I rarely ask for help or favors, and if I do it’s probably from my boyfriend as we are each other’s biggest support systems.

I have gotten better at saying no to people, but I hate feeling guilty about it – and people seem to love to make me feel that way. I recently said no to a couple family things and I feel like it may cause some tension, but at the same time I can’t be spreading myself so thin and this has been just a super busy year (and last year).

I was in a wedding in November, one in March, and now I’m in another one this coming July; not to mention I started a management job at the end of January and which was a large transition in itself. I also recently had health issues that are thankfully resolved (for now?), but excuse me if I need to take some time for myself. I can’t feel bad about it; I refuse to.