relationship

NYE 2022

Well, here we are! The last day of 2022. I swear as I continue to grow older, these years just fly by faster and faster. I am feeling very grateful as I look back on this year, as well as when I look ahead to 2023. I know every year is when we love to say “this is going to be my year!” Just know, every year from here on out is my year: I am doing what I love, and I am not apologizing for it. I am saying no when I don’t want to put my time or energy into something that I feel is not best for me. I am speaking up for myself by expressing when I feel bothered or upset, rather than building up resentment that only ends up hurting me. I am putting my phone on DND whenever I feel like it, I am cancelling plans when needed, and I am speaking my truth through writing, both here and on The Unsealed. I do want to take time to look back through the highlights of 2022, as I feel like this was such a great year!

The year started out with reading a new book, which launched me on a reading journey again and allowed me to read way more than I have any other year. In 2022 I read seven books. Now I could sit here and start talking down on myself by saying things like “well some of them were only 100 pages,” or “I could have read more,” etc…. but that does not help me in any way. I am proud that I read seven books, no matter how big or small, because I read those for me, and those benefitted me in so many ways. They have definitely improved my mental health by giving me so many new perspectives and ideas, and if I am being really honest, I actually feel like reading Russ’ book “It’s All In Your Head” allowed me to see him live! Back in April my friend had slept over, and the next morning when she was still sleeping, I had finished reading his book. That same day he was on Instagram telling people to DM him with their name and which city they wanted to see him perform live. I saw he had posted that on his story three minutes before I saw it, and I immediately messaged him. Three minutes later he responded with “Got you added with a +1!!!” and I nearly died of excitement! I absolutely love Russ for so many reasons, but the main one is that he is determined and he very much believes in himself, and I feel there was a reason I was able to connect with him this year-both through his book and through his music. I am so very thankful that I was able to see him live, and I got to bring my boyfriend which was nice because we haven’t been to a concert together in years. I am still in awe at how all of that happened, and I truly loved the timing of finishing his book and then being able to connect with him that same day- the universe works in mysterious ways.

This year I decided to join an incredible writing community called The Unsealed, and I am very grateful that I did. The Unsealed is a place for people to write open letters and be able to speak and release their truth into the world, with the hopes of inspiring others to do the same. I was able to really step out of my comfort zone by joining in on zoom calls, being able to ask and answer questions, and truly just open up publicly about my mental health and traumas. I never feel judged or criticized in the community, and we all choose to inspire and lift up others who are struggling. Because of my willingness to push through my anxiety, this allowed me to be on a billboard this year, advertising for this community I love! The founder of The Unsealed, Lauren, posted on Instagram that they were looking for a member in the Chicago area to advertise for their community, and as soon as I saw it I jumped on it! Although I am almost two hours outside of the city, I still wanted to be a part of it and I knew we would be able to find people with stories to tell, and I let her know that I may not be able to go see the billboard, but I’d be so happy to be on it. Lauren was super excited to help and she even got me a billboard in my town as well so that I was able to go and see it! I felt so blown away by the efforts of someone who has never even met me, and I truly felt seen and heard. I am so proud of myself for stepping into my passion of writing, and taking a leap out of my comfort zone, because this will only continue in 2023.

This year I have truly been able to finally see myself and listen to myself. I decided to set boundaries and say “no,” which has honestly helped me in so many ways, as now I no longer feel angry or resentful for doing things that I never wanted to do. I read a quote this year that I have since kept on a widget on my iPhone so I can see it every day, and it reads: “You will inspire some and trigger others. Both are medicine.” As someone who has struggled with people-pleasing my whole life, I have always avoided stating how I feel about something out of fear of hurting others/triggering others, as I know how I feel when I am triggered. What I have since realized is that this only hurts myself. If I don’t speak up for myself, who will? And although in the moment I don’t like to feel triggered, when I am calm and can reflect on the trigger, that is typically where I find the most insight and growth. For example, I became angry at a friend this year when she commented something on my post, because I was not expecting it and to me it came across like I had upset her with my post. Although I knew my intention behind the post and that it had nothing to do with anyone, I still felt my heart start pounding and my hands shaking, because now I was triggered. On the surface it can seem like I was triggered because I felt bad for upsetting her, or that I came across as a mean person, but after long reflecting that was not what it was at all. I felt triggered because, to me, someone who is a very close friend of mine misunderstood me, and at the time, it felt purposeful. Now I know feelings aren’t facts, and the only way to resolve an issue is to communicate. We luckily ended up talking on the phone and were able to smooth things over and get out any misunderstandings, but this was a lesson for me to keep in mind: not everyone will understand you, not even the people closest to you, but what matters is that you understand you and your intentions; no one can take that away from you. I knew my intention behind the post, and going forward I will pause and breathe before responding to others, especially when I am feeling triggered. It also taught me that communication truly is key in any healthy relationship, and I want to focus on that more as we go into the new year.

So many beautiful things happened this year, and I am so blessed to able to sit here and write this today. From the breakfast dates with my love, to concerts and vacations with friends, I feel so very loved. From the Dear Gabby zoom call, to messages/comments with my favorite people on Instagram (Mel Robbins, Gabby Bernstein, The Holistic Psychologist, Russ), I feel connected and abundant. From planning and setting goals to mindful moments alone, I can definitely say this has been a beautiful year of growth and opportunities. I am so excited to see what is in store for 2023, and I am choosing to go into the new year mindfully, confidently, and with purpose.

Eleven Years

Today marks 11 years since my boyfriend asked me to be his girlfriend, and it’s honestly insane to me to think about how we were only 16 when we started our relationship. We have truly grown together and grown stronger through all of the years, and I am so excited to see what our long future ahead holds! As he sleeps next to me, I want to take time to write a few key things I am grateful for in this relationship, that I feel could help benefit others! I could probably write a whole book about it, and maybe I will one day, but for now I hope you enjoy.

1. Patience. My boyfriend is probably the most patient man in the world; and if not, I can say he is definitely the most patient person in my world. I am so blessed to have someone who has taken the time to get to truly know me, and hasn’t been pushy or aggressive in any way. He was so helpful when I was going through starting therapy and different medications to help with my anxiety, and he was always understanding and helpful. Over the years, I have been able to improve my patience and I feel like he is a big part of that. I used to freak out over small things, like if I asked him to put the dishes away and if he didn’t do it within like 30 seconds I’d be pissed. Over time, with his help and my therapist, I realized a lot of this anger stemmed from my control issues and even though I’d feel like things needed to be done ASAP, the truth was I’d survive if it was done a few hours from then, or even the next day. I definitely annoyed the shit out of him for the longest, and was even annoyed by him for it too, but with time and patience we have been able to get through everything. I know life will continue to test our patience, but I just know we will be able to get through anything. When the time comes, I know he will be the best father to our future children, and because of him I also feel I’ll be a more patient mother.

2. Communication. In the beginning of our relationship, communicating wasn’t easy. We were both sixteen, this was my first high school relationship, and I was a very insecure, anxious girl. We definitely had our struggles- I would avoid any conflict/confrontation so if anything ever upset me I’d just hold it in to avoid a fight, but once we had any disagreement then everything I was ever mad about would come out and I would explode! He was always so confused and would ask why I didn’t tell him at the time I was bothered, and that came back to me avoiding fights (clearly not working LOL). We came up with a plan to regularly check in with each other when we were both in a good headspace and talk about anything that bothered us. This practice helped us so much and although we have grown together and have developed much better communication skills, it’s still nice to do every once in a while!

3. Honesty. This is key in any relationship, but I find that most people do struggle with this even in adult life. From the beginning of our relationship, we developed a good sense of trust. Of course as teenagers we are young and don’t know much about the world or relationships yet, and there were definitely things we had to work through, but overall the honesty and transparency is something I am so grateful for today. Even in high school, we were never the couples that had each other’s facebook logins or went through each others phones, and we still don’t do that as of today. I remember hearing how common it was so have couples share passwords and even then we thought it was so stupid; if you don’t have that trust, then don’t be together. People deserve their own lives and privacy, and just because someone did you wrong in the past, doesn’t mean this whole different human would do the same. That’s where communication comes back in, but I truly believe honesty and trust are a key foundation for any relationship.

4. Respect. Now this one is also a huge one to me, probably because I grew up observing relationships that didn’t have this. My boyfriend and I both have respect for each other, and in our relationship it comes out in our love and adoration for each other. Throughout the past 11 years, we have never called each other any names, we do not yell or swear at each other in fights, and we honestly just treat each other how we want to be treated. I have so much respect for him, I could never really talk down on him or talk to him that way, and I know he’d never treat me that way either. We both want a loving, healthy relationship so that’s what we work for!

There are so many more qualities of our relationship that I am grateful for, but he is awake and we are heading home, so I’m going to end this here. I wish you all well and a Sunday full of love!

Good morning, October

As I lie awake in bed on this foggy morning, I am so excited for this weekend and week ahead! Tonight my boyfriend and I are having a little getaway for the evening to celebrate 11 years together (Oct 2 is our anniversary)! We’re going to have a nice dinner at this place that I’ve gone to with my family, and we’re just going to enjoy our time together!

On Sunday we will be back and we get to see his family which will be nice. His parents used to do a family dinner every first Sunday of the month, but this will be the first time we have had one since covid, so it will be nice to see everyone and reconnect!

We also took of some days during the week and we plan to just do some different dates and little things every day to just keep celebrating our love and enjoy some time off together. I absolutely love October and I just feel like this is going to be a great month! I love spooky season and am excited for it to begin!

Short Sunday Post

I have been doing a lot of reflecting on both myself and my friendships. I am so blessed to have so many close friends who are all so different from one another, and I too am still able to be myself with all of them.

As I grow older and move away from my people-pleasing tendencies, I am trying to be more mindful of how I listen to others as well as how I speak to them. I am coming to a point in my life where I find boundaries and honesty to be super important, and I am making sure that I speak my truth while being mindful of the other person’s emotions.

I used to silence myself and avoid saying anything that I felt could be confrontational or anything that could come off offensive, but as I grow up I am realizing that you’ll never be able to please everyone, but it is important that you’re always true to yourself. What matters is the intention behind your words and actions, and that you’re proud of your own choices/decisions.

I know that I am the only one who is guaranteed to be with me up until my dying day, so it is important that I honor myself and speak my truth while I’m here breathing. I know my intentions and goals, and if I continue to keep quiet, then I’ll never reach any goals.

Monday Mindset

It’s a new week and I didn’t snooze my alarm this morning, even though I really wanted to. I was super and ready to sleep for another 25 minutes and just skip any journaling or stretching, but then I remembered that last night I was so excited to be starting my week off right, and I didn’t want to take that away from myself.

I am going to do a little yoga after this post, and I wanted to take time on here to express some gratitude this morning. Feel free to comment what you are grateful for today, or even post your own blog about it and share it with everyone!

I am grateful for my boyfriend and our relationship. I am blessed to have a healthy relationship where we can easily communicate our differences and we always make each other feel loved and respected.

I am blessed to have a home that we love and has everything we could ever need. We have clean water, heat/AC, working appliances, and we are blessed enough to be able to afford our home and utilities.

I am lucky to have a job that I don’t hate, and that allows me to pay my bills, have insurance and still be able to live a life I want. I’m off on weekends and I enjoy my schedule during the week!

I am grateful for my friends. I feel blessed to have so many different, yet close, friendships. My friends are all very different, yet all very supportive and loving in their own ways, and I am lucky to have so many good people by my side.

I am thankful for my physical and mental health. I’m blessed that I can walk, talk, eat and use the bathroom without any need for assistance, and I’m lucky that my recent physical and labs went well! I am also so grateful for access to therapy as well as books and podcasts that are helping me improve my mental health.

There are so many other things I am grateful for, but those are just to name a few. For now, I am going stretch and get ready for the rest of my day! I hope everyone has a great Monday and great week ahead!

Sappy Sunday

Maybe it’s because Valentine’s day just passed, or it’s the season of love, but I have been feeling so happy and in love lately! I am always in love with my boyfriend of course, but I have just been intentionally thinking about it more often and appreciating it more, and I have been doing the same in other aspects of my life. I actually am loving myself more and more each day, and that is something I really never thought I would be able to do.

I have been practicing a lot of gratitude, and I feel it has truly helped me to be more present. I’m noticing more small details around me, and I feel myself becoming more in tune with myself and others. I spent Friday night with my best friend and we had such a great night! We laughed so much, and just had a great time like we have since we were in high school. When we parted ways on Saturday, she told me that I was very inspiring for her during the time we spent together, and that she can tell that I feel “lighter,” which was weird as hell because I was just telling a different friend about feeling that way.

There is something about other people noticing your progress that almost makes it feel more “real” in a way. Not that I don’t trust myself when I notice changes I’ve made, but it is nice to know that the people who love and care about me can tell a positive difference in me. Now, I don’t anticipate never feeling down again, I know emotions are real and ever changing, but I know how to cope better when I am having hard times which is honestly relieving. To know that I do have control over myself and how I react and respond to situations. I know I have the power to rewire my brain to think more positively, and eliminate thoughts of self doubt and insecurities; honestly I have been feeling a lot more confident in myself lately.

Feeling this way, making progress that I never thought I’d see, just makes me want to help my friends and loved ones feel this way. Having my best friend tell me that I was “inspiring” truly warmed my heart and nearly brought tears to my eyes; I only want my friends to love themselves and be happy. I honestly want that for everyone, because I feel that would benefit all mankind.

Relief.

I let my friend know that I was struggling to hear about her friends death, and honestly the conversion went so well it almost left me feeling angry with myself; instead I reminded myself that I am still growing and I can take this as a lesson and move forward. I found myself hesitating to put myself first out of fear of coming off like a selfish asshole, when in reality that’s the exact opposite of what I am trying to do.

It’s okay to be overwhelmed and it’s okay if certain things are triggering; what’s not okay is expecting people to understand when you haven’t communicated with them. I was avoiding an important conversation out of fear of confrontation, but having the conversation felt like a huge weight was lifted off of me. And now I can also take time to heal and see what boundaries work for me.

I ordered a couple more books off amazon today. After reading “The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success,” I feel the need to dive more into learning about being aware and present, as well as the law of attraction. I have always believed in and been interested in Karma, but I never focused so much on what I was giving to the universe each day. I am excited to go on this inward, spiritual journey and learn more about myself.

Yesterday was the first time in several months, if not a year, that I had inspiration to write a poem. I sat down and wrote the first two lines that I had sitting in my head, and the rest just seemed to pour right out of me. Although it’s probably not my best work (I’ll have to go back and re-read it), I am just happy that I had that sudden feeling to write!

I’m excited for the week ahead, and excited to see my best friend this upcoming weekend for us to finally celebrate our Christmas together LOL. I hope everyone has a great week!

Appreciate.

I always make sure that the ones closest to me are appreciated. My boyfriend is the person who does the most for me, and I tell him every day how much I appreciate him and make sure he feels loved. We’ve been together since we were 16, and I’m 26 now. We always make sure we are supporting one another and caring for one another. I am grateful everyday that I have him in my life, and I make him a top priority as this benefits both of us in our life together.

As we grow older, we tend to grow away from people. I see myself growing away from friendships; I am seeing which friendships are healthy and which ones aren’t. I go through a battle in my head where I debate bringing up my observations to friends in fear of offending them, but at the same time, I feel like a bad friend if I am observing a friend display some unhealthy behaviors and I never bring it to their attention.

I also know I am not a doctor or expert on mental health, but there are truly some things that are just obvious. People also love to share their lives on the internet so more people can observe these behaviors. I honestly truly feel that everyone can benefit from therapy, and especially when you have a known mental illness and/or diagnosis. I mean, why wouldn’t you want to work on yourself so you can have a better life for yourself?

As I’ve stated in previous posts, I understand that therapy isn’t something everyone can afford, but there are things we can do on our own that can help make our daily lives better. One of those things is practicing gratitude: focus on what you have and appreciate your blessings! You tend to forget how good you have it when you don’t take the time to acknowledge and appreciate.

Another good way to take care of yourself is to take social media breaks; I saw that Lush Cosmetics recently deleted all social media platforms in lieu of information that came out about how terrible instagram is for young teens’ mental health. The constant comparing yourself to others, seeing how others are “better” or “prettier” is a sure way to feel unsatisfied in your current life.

I am glad that I have been able to go to therapy and learn to practice better habits in my life. I am so blessed to have a wonderful man in my life, supportive friends/family, and my three beautiful kitties! My boyfriend and I are blessed to have good jobs, a spacious townhome, and reliable cars that we enjoy. Of course we all have struggles and tough times that come about, but it’s so important to count your blessings whenever you can.