Calm and content.

Well it’s Tuesday at 11:08pm and I just remembered that I still hadn’t posted here yet. I’d like to say I’ve been busy and motivated, which I guess is somewhat true, but also I feel like I haven’t been doing anything. I mean I’ve been working and then just hanging with my boyfriend. We did grab lunch with a couple friends on Sunday which was nice.

I’ve been enjoying my time with my boyfriend, and we actually went looking at rings over the weekend to give him some ideas (his suggestion)! I am so happy to be spending my life with him, and although I’m excited for the proposal, I don’t want to know anything about it. I don’t care where it is, who is there, if it’s photographed or not… I just want it to be a surprise.

He had asked me recently if I wanted the proposal to be in front of people or if I wanted it to be just us and I told him I didn’t care. I honestly feel like it being just us makes the most sense, I mean we are each other’s best friend and it’s always just us two, but again I won’t care either way.

I’ve kind of enjoyed just slowing down a bit this past week and moving into this week. It gives me time to appreciate things a bit more as I feel like I can take time to observe and take everything in. I am seeing my therapist this Friday and I honestly am excited, because I feel like I’m in a good headspace so we can start digging into more parts of my brain.

I’m getting tired as I type this, so I’ll close this off. I honestly was planning to write more, but I didn’t even make my weekly Sunday post this week sooooo no promises.

Motivated and mindful

I’ve been feeling very motivated this past week. I’ve been more mindful of what I’m eating and my physical activity levels, and it’s already making such a difference! I’m not going on runs or to the gym or anything just yet, but getting back into walks and at home workouts.

I have really been trying to focus on myself and improving myself both mentally and physically. One thing I am struggling with though is this constant battle of feeling selfish, and feeling like I’m being an assh*le to my friends and family.

The thing is I’m a super low-maintenance person, which isn’t good nor bad but it definitely differs from a lot of my friends/family. Not to say everyone else is high-maintenance, but when I tell you I’m low maintanence it’s like I never want or need anything from anyone. I rarely ask for help or favors, and if I do it’s probably from my boyfriend as we are each other’s biggest support systems.

I have gotten better at saying no to people, but I hate feeling guilty about it – and people seem to love to make me feel that way. I recently said no to a couple family things and I feel like it may cause some tension, but at the same time I can’t be spreading myself so thin and this has been just a super busy year (and last year).

I was in a wedding in November, one in March, and now I’m in another one this coming July; not to mention I started a management job at the end of January and which was a large transition in itself. I also recently had health issues that are thankfully resolved (for now?), but excuse me if I need to take some time for myself. I can’t feel bad about it; I refuse to.

Feeling better

I am finally starting to feel normal again. This morning I had a follow up appointment with my PCP and she prescribed omeprazole to help with my symptoms, so I’m hoping this helps as well and everything goes away.

This is going to be a productive week at work as we only have patients coming in on Friday, so we get to play catch up on claims and billing which is much needed! This office had some less than competent people up front for the past several months, so there is plenty to clean up!

It is so satisfying to get messes fixed and organize the office. I can’t wait to get everything exactly how I want it and continue to bring in new patients to the practice. For this week I am planning to get off around 3-4pm every day, so I will be working on crafting projects and exercising.

I have to continue to work on myself and I have to stop all of the self-loathing. I broke down on Saturday, because I just was feeling like I was ruining everyone’s plans and I was constantly forgetting things. After talking to my boyfriend, we came to the conclusion I have spread myself too thin with work/friends(weddings).

With my hands in too many things, I can’t be giving 100% to everything, and that makes me more upset because I have pretty high expectations of myself. I have to take a step back and think things through before I’m saying “yes!” to everyone and ask myself if it’s something I can actually handle taking on. Boundaries are important, and they only work if you enforce them.

Feeling feelings

Been irritable lately and overthinking a lot. I had a fun weekend, but there were also parts that made me upset but I made sure to let it all go because we were celebrating a good friend for her bachelorette party.

I’ve been feeling people’s emotions and passive aggressiveness lately and it’s been draining. I also feel lack of communication is hurting a relationship right now, but I also don’t know how to address it and it’s not a good time at all. At this point it would be rude to do/say anything so I will just have to wait.

I am just tired right now and am ready to go to bed. I have to work tomorrow and honestly I am kind of excited to start off the month on a good note at work! I think my career life will be thriving soon, I just have to get through a couple months of fixing up quite a few issues.

Quick Monday

It’s my last Monday at my current job! This is bittersweet as I love my coworkers and I also have really enjoyed this job, I just miss having more responsibilities (and more money of course)! I start training at the new job this Thursday, and literally they told me I can do my compliance training at home which is so nice!

I have nothing but good feelings about this new job; I think this is the first time I’ve truly felt confident going into a job. Of course we all have normal anxieties around it as I have a whole new system to learn, but I know I’ll grasp it quickly.

I have this thing when I start new jobs, I want to try to start a new life habit, and I really need to incorporate working out into my life, so I need to work up a schedule for myself for once I am more settled with my regular hours. I will have to work on that later today. For now, off to work!

Stressed, but blessed

On Thursday night I hit a patch of icy snow in my car which caused it to veer out of control and my tire went off the road and the control arm snapped. Luckily no airbags deployed and I was the only one involved and I am not injured. My car, however, has over $7000 of damage (thank goodness for insurance).

Today my cat woke my boyfriend and I up and he was acting weird, and he had thrown up twice. I ended up taking him into the vet because last time I thought something was wrong it escalated fast and he had high kidney counts and a urinary blockage. This time around his PH levels in his urine are high, but kidney levels are normal. He does have a urinary blockage again, but he’s doing better and we will just have him on a prescription diet the rest of his life. We will be able to bring him home tomorrow if all goes as planned.

So far this year has taken an interesting turn, but I am truly blessed that everyone is okay. Of course my pockets are hurting a bit (the vet bill is over $1000), but money is just money, and there are more important things to stress about. Luckily, I will be starting my new job soon and will be making more money so I can pay off my credit card again ASAP.

I’m trying to keep positive spirits with everything being thrown my way, but I do have my moments where it’s all a bit overwhelming. I just remind myself that we’re all human, I am allowed to feel that way.

Manifesting money.

Every astrology page that I follow on twitter has been saying that Leo/Leo rising (me and me LOL) are going to come into some money early on this week, and I have a job interview tomorrow! Whether or not you believe in astrology, you may believe in the law of attraction; I am using that power to manifest money into my life.

I feel like people forget how powerful the mind is, and honestly I have been learning more about the stars and I feel like it’s beneficial because it makes me believe that these good things will happen to me- not only that, but it helps me to ask questions and analyze situations in my life, and practicing self-reflection is needed in order to progress.

In addition to the possible new job, I’ve been selling items that I’ve been making with my Cricut which is a fun little side hustle right now! I don’t expect to make tons and tons of money from that right now, as I’m still really just learning about things to make. But it definitely is fun! I hope everyone is having a nice Sunday.

Feeling good (accidental late draft post)

I have a job interview coming up Monday morning for a manager position at a dental office. I have experience and am very hopeful about this opportunity; they told me via email that they are impressed with my experience which is a good sign, right?!

Also what’s good is at my current job we hit all our numbers for last month so we ended up getting a nice bonus this month, which I used part of to order my Easy Press so I can start making shirts/sweatshirts with my Cricut. I also treated myself to a manicure today so that felt great!

One of my old coworkers is coming over to buy a shaker bottle from me! I bought some cute ones from Walmart and used my Cricut and permanent vinyl to add the phrase “Gym & Tonic” and people love them! (I’ll add the photo to this blog post). I’m thinking of more ideas for projects with Valentine’s day coming up!

How’s everyone’s weekend going?

Late night post

Changes may be coming, which is quite fitting for a new year. I had a phone interview for a new job last week and am going to be setting up an in person interview sometime this week! It would be for more pay and more responsibilities, and I am feeling very hopeful. The woman who interviewed me on the phone told me she was impressed with my experience, so we will see!

I’ve been having fun crafting still! I slowed down a bit since the holidays just ended, but I already have ideas ready for some (near) future projects! I’ve had some supportive friends order from me, and it honestly is such a nice feeling. I appreciate all of my friends and family, and their support of my crafting page.

I haven’t really come up with a “new years resolution,” but I am working on patience and finding inner peace. I am learning how to focus on the positive and be kinder to myself, which in turn should help me be kinder to others; not that I am mean to others, I just find myself judging others more than I’d like to admit.

Self-reflection is important if you want to improve and progress in life, but sometimes it can be a hard pill to swallow.

Proud

Yesterday I was able to talk my way through an issue of mine which made me feel proud. I was actually reflecting on my attitude from Friday and earlier that morning when I realized how quickly certain symptoms come back when I forget to take my medication (I realized I forgot it Friday and then Saturday morning so I took it right after I had this realization).

When I don’t take my medication, I quickly go back to being very irritable which is my main symptoms of anxiety. I get easily overwhelmed and I start re-prioritizing without sound thinking which in turn overwhelms me more.

Long story short, the sink had dishes, the garbage in the kitchen was full, and I had laundry to do. Mind you, it’s like 10am and I don’t have any other plans for the day, so it wasn’t a big deal, but to me without medication, it’s a HUGE deal! I always have this problem where if there’s something I have control over and I don’t control it I start having negative self talk and everything feels like the end of the world.

Later on I started talking to my boyfriend about it because I kept saying how I wanted to find the root issue as to why I am this way, and all I could remember is that I always had to finish my homework before I could go outside. Now that may not sound like a big thing, and it teaches kids priorities and responsibilities when you have them finish school work before they can play with their friends, but my mind got stuck in that pattern.

In my unmedicated mind, I have to do the dishes/laundry/garbage right away before I can move on and do anything else because those are things that HAVE to be done; but would it really make a difference if I did it two hours later? or six hours later? Or broke up the tasks? No, it really wouldn’t. Lucky for me, I was able to realize this.

As a child, I wasn’t given the option to do homework later after dinner or after playing outside, so I had no way to know if doing it at another time would affect my grades or really anything. For as long as I can remember, anytime I change up a routine I get super anxious and I’m just on edge because I have no idea really what to expect. I like having routine and knowing my tasks and following them because that means (to me) that everything will likely be safe and sound.

I know this is all a minuscule issue compared to many others associated with anxiety disorder, but for me to make this connection/realization and be able to actually take a second and think “why do I feel like this?” is something to be proud of! When in an anxious state of mind it is hard to pause and rationalize, but it is so important to do- even if it is minutes, hours or even days later.

The only way to move forward is to address the triggers from the past, face them, and keep walking.