Appreciate.

I always make sure that the ones closest to me are appreciated. My boyfriend is the person who does the most for me, and I tell him every day how much I appreciate him and make sure he feels loved. We’ve been together since we were 16, and I’m 26 now. We always make sure we are supporting one another and caring for one another. I am grateful everyday that I have him in my life, and I make him a top priority as this benefits both of us in our life together.

As we grow older, we tend to grow away from people. I see myself growing away from friendships; I am seeing which friendships are healthy and which ones aren’t. I go through a battle in my head where I debate bringing up my observations to friends in fear of offending them, but at the same time, I feel like a bad friend if I am observing a friend display some unhealthy behaviors and I never bring it to their attention.

I also know I am not a doctor or expert on mental health, but there are truly some things that are just obvious. People also love to share their lives on the internet so more people can observe these behaviors. I honestly truly feel that everyone can benefit from therapy, and especially when you have a known mental illness and/or diagnosis. I mean, why wouldn’t you want to work on yourself so you can have a better life for yourself?

As I’ve stated in previous posts, I understand that therapy isn’t something everyone can afford, but there are things we can do on our own that can help make our daily lives better. One of those things is practicing gratitude: focus on what you have and appreciate your blessings! You tend to forget how good you have it when you don’t take the time to acknowledge and appreciate.

Another good way to take care of yourself is to take social media breaks; I saw that Lush Cosmetics recently deleted all social media platforms in lieu of information that came out about how terrible instagram is for young teens’ mental health. The constant comparing yourself to others, seeing how others are “better” or “prettier” is a sure way to feel unsatisfied in your current life.

I am glad that I have been able to go to therapy and learn to practice better habits in my life. I am so blessed to have a wonderful man in my life, supportive friends/family, and my three beautiful kitties! My boyfriend and I are blessed to have good jobs, a spacious townhome, and reliable cars that we enjoy. Of course we all have struggles and tough times that come about, but it’s so important to count your blessings whenever you can.

Observations.

I have always been observant, even as a young child. I moved to an apartment complex with my parents when I was turning 5-years old; I was an only child, so moving to a place where there were a lot of children was great! I had so many instant friends, some became long-term friends, however as time went on, we have all drifted apart. Life goes that way sometimes, but I will always be grateful for knowing these people, as I feel it as definitely has widened my perspectives of others.

As a child, I loved being outside with my friends. For years we would run around knocking on each other’s doors, asking everyone to come outside to play! As I grew older, I’d notice the freedom that my friends were getting that I wasn’t, and it made me very angry with my parents. I mean, most of my neighbors were younger that me, and it seemed like they were allowed to do more than me.

I can’t say this is what started my observing habits, because I feel like I always had been paying attention, but I feel like I honed in more on the parents of my friends and watched how they acted. Although I was upset with my family (for more reasons that what are stated, but that is not the point of this blog post), I realized that I didn’t want parents like my friends had either.

I was witnessing parents who really didn’t even seem to care about their kids; they just wanted them out of their face so they could do whatever they wanted to do. Parents who were purposely causing fights with other parents in the neighborhood, which goes hand-in-hand with the parents who loved the drama more than anything else and would let it consume them. My parents definitely have flaws (I mean who doesn’t, all parents are just winging it), but I can definitely say that for the most part, I was their #1 focus and priority.

I have had a lot of healing to do from my childhood, which unfortunately is common for many. Although, what I find to be more unfortunate is when people do not take the time to learn from their triggers/traumas, and then proceed to procreate and pass on it on to the next generation. If you are unhappy with your mental health and how you react to certain situations, why would you want to bring up a child in that environment to endure those same feelings?

I understand that everyone has different lives, different interests and different priorities. I understand some are lucky to have insurance and/or money for therapy, and others are not. Luckily there are other resources for information such as in the library or on the internet, but people would truly need to want to do this and/or feel the need to do this in order to have success with it. To me, it seems for many people that this is not a priority, which will only hurt future generations.

I personally know that I do not want to pass on anxiety, depression and/or OCD to my child, as that will give them some (possibly crippling) disadvantages in life. No one asks to be born, that is a decision made by two other people’s choices and actions; the least I can do is try to set up my future children for success. I do not have children yet, but we plan to hopefully in about three years.

I understand life will be drastically different once I have a child, but that baby will be my number one priority. My child will grow up knowing that their parents love them, and also knowing that they love each other, as unfortunately many children have divorced parents which is another statistical disadvantage.

My boyfriend and I already talk about our ideal goals for our children when it comes to schooling and we want them to be able to choose any sports/extracurricular activities they want. At this point in our lives we’re paying down our debts so that this is goal easier to achieve once the time comes. I’m also focusing now on getting into healthier habits so that I can pass those on to my future children.

Of course I will make mistakes along the way, again all parents are truly just winging it. Everyone does things differently, but what is important is that the children feel loved and know that they are taken care of. Again, no one asks to be born, that is someone else’s choice/decision. We should all want the best for our children, and we should want the best for ourselves.

Back and Better!

We’re so happy to be home after our short little getaway! My boyfriend and I had 3-night-stay in Myrtle Beach over the past weekend, and it was quite a relaxing time! I was happy to have a balcony with an ocean view; being able to listen to the waves whenever I wanted was a wonderful pastime.

Honestly, at one point while just sitting in solitude on the deck, I began to tear up; I always feel so at peace when I’m near the water. It is a goal of mine to one day live near the ocean, or at least a large body of water in which I could paddle board or kayak. I don’t know…it’s just something about being on the water that gives me a feeling of serenity.

Although we somehow brought our cold, windy weather with us to North Carolina, we still very much enjoyed our time together. It was fun checking out local restaurants and just chilling in the hotel hot tub outside. I will say, the couples massage with the jacuzzi sea salt soak was definitely the highlight of the trip! The Swedish massage was much needed, but wow did it hurt at certain points!

It was nice to get away for the weekend to celebrate my boyfriend’s 27th birthday together and just disconnect for a while. This trip made me want to travel more, but honestly even just finding small towns and places in my state within a few hours driving distance sounds fun and within budget! Of course now it’s getting colder out and winter is right around the corner, but I can start my research on areas to check out! Not to mention, find some local holiday events!

We got back home yesterday, and today was overall a productive day. I grocery shopped, donated some clothes to Goodwill, and got some services done for my car! I’m also excited to continue the gym routine and set some fitness goals! Well, it is back to work for me tomorrow morning; I hope everyone is having a great week so far and has a great week ahead!

Ready for the weekend, and it’s only Monday.

This week, my weekend starts on Thursday as my boyfriend and I go on “baecation!” (yes, I know I’m lame lol). The last time we had a vacation together (just us two) was 2016, so you can say it’s a bit overdue. I’m so excited to just get away for the weekend, relax and spend time with my love. We always have the best time together, and I found out there is a P.F. Chang’s where we’re going (aka my obsession) so now I’m even more excited!

The only plan we have right now is a couples massage on the day we arrive, setting the relaxing vibe for the weekend! We’re just going to go with the flow and enjoy our time together away from the realities of work and responsibilities. It’s always nice to disconnect from the world and reconnect with each other without distractions.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my OB, we’re going to talk about my breast cyst (although I already have an appt with the surgeon next month), and I want to hopefully discuss symptoms of PCOS and/or discuss how to test fertility. I’m also having irregular periods lately; currently I’m four days late, but I had a negative pregnancy test today. I feel like I’m probably going to get my period tomorrow, which kinda sucks as I will have to deal with that on vacation.

I just have two more days to work this week, I can get through it! I was absolutely exhausted today; it’s the first of the month so we had to do a lot of statements and re-verifying insurance, so it was just a lot of tedious repetition. I honestly really enjoy this job; I never bring work home with me, and that’s something I’ve really needed as I need to make it a point to focus on self care, and when I’m mentally exhausted and depressed, it’s much harder to do.

My boyfriend and I have been going to the gym on Tuesday’s and Thursday’s, and then we typically pick a weekend day to go as well (however I partied a little too hard for Halloween so I had a lazy Sunday and did NOT want to go this weekend).

It’s been nice getting into a routine and getting more comfortable in the gym! I need to set some reasonable goals and start aiming for them, maybe we can do that while we’re on vacation! Can’t wait for Thursday! I hope everyone has a great week!

Realization

After stepping back and deleting platforms, I am falling out of my addiction to social media. I have felt overall more happy and less anxious, but I’m also now seeing how terrible social media can be for people/mental health. The constant comparison to others, posting to seek validation from people who don’t really care, focusing so much on professional photos and angles to appear in a certain way… where did our priorities go?

Why do we feel the need to share photos of our dinners, our families, our vacations, etc. with random people from high school/college/previous jobs who we wouldn’t even invite out to coffee? Why do we care so much about posting our personal lives on the internet to be on there forever? Is this actually fun, or are their issues that we have within ourselves that need to be addressed?

Technically, if we are truly happy with our life, we would not feel the need to share our accomplishments or fun moments with anyone and everyone who will hear about it. It may be fun to hear from some old friends who are happy for you, but at the same time, what are you truly seeking? And why can’t you find that happiness within yourself and your current life? Those are the questions we should be seeking.

On the flip side, we have also seen the bad sides of social media that hurt our futures. We have seen what happens when people go back and dig up old posts/pictures back to the surface, and sometimes things get taken out of context. Anyone can pull up anything that was posted years ago and get someone “cancelled.” Sometimes words or pictures can be perceived in a different way than what was intended (especially now when everyone thinks the world should tip-toe around them), but that’s the risk you take when you post.

I have this feeling that as the world of cyber-bullying continues to grow, kids are going to start using each other’s parents’ posts as ways to bully each other. Can you imagine having to sit down with your child and talk to them about bullying and they look at you and say “my friend Billy said that he has pictures from your only fans.” LOL, I mean it may seem far fetched due to “age content,” but look how many kids sign up for 13+ facebook at 11, or play video games meant for 17 and older!

If parents aren’t paying attention, or aren’t really tech savvy themselves, children can really do whatever they want! I had friends in middle school on MySpace/Facebook behind their parents’ backs and were able to keep it secret for months, if not years! Now just imagine these kids pulling up each other’s parents’ instagrams/youtube/tiktoks to embarrass each other… are you going to be okay with them looking at your previous posts and videos? Are you thinking about how your kids are going to perceive your posts later on?

What you post on the internet is there to stay forever; filters are easy to remove, content is easy to manipulate, and there are also a lot of smart, evil people who are great at hacking and sharing information that you never thought would be “public.” Just keep in mind what you’re posting, and honestly why you’re posting it! This is not only for yourself, but for your children and their futures.

Rough days

Although my boyfriend and I had a wonderful anniversary on Saturday, I had a rough mental day yesterday and it feels like it’s on today as well. I’m just extra emotional and sensitive- I feel like I’m getting easily overwhelmed by things that haven’t been overwhelming me.

Yesterday we needed to find some clothes for my cousin’s wedding this upcoming weekend, and after going to five different stores and finding absolutely nothing I felt pretty defeated. I know it’s not a huge deal, but I hate having to do things during the week and I also hate when I can’t complete a task so it triggered some anxious feelings. I also had gone all day thinking my period was finally over, but turns out that my body was teasing me (which also likely explains the anxiety/emotions).

In the evening yesterday I went to make Ramen (because I was too distraught to grocery shop, another fail that was eating at me), and I over-cooked the noodles. Again, not a huge deal, but to me it was. I cried. I just felt like literally anything I needed to do, was not able to get done. I felt like I was non-stop failing everything and then failing emotionally for letting these “small things” get to me.

The entire day, my boyfriend was reminding me that these things weren’t detrimental, and that was still have solutions for the issues. I felt like I apologized to him about 250 times and every time he would tell me that there was nothing to be sorry about. I apologized for being emotional and crazy, and he just said “you aren’t as bad as you think you are.”

That statement there made me start wondering at what point in my life I developed such a strong hatred toward myself and my mental state. I have empathy for all my friends/family who have mental issues, and I would never even think about speaking to them the way I do to myself; I don’t even feel like I need to! Why do I feel the need to be mad at myself? That’s something I want to dig into a bit more, I can’t see my therapist for a couple of months as my insurance lapsed and she’s hella booked out, but in the meantime I can do my own work. I’m worth working on.

Anniversary Weekend

Today my boyfriend and I are celebrating 10 years together! He’s currently driving us back home from our yummy lunch at P.F. Changs, and we are just going to chill together for the rest of the day. It’s so crazy to think that we started dating at 16 years old, and here we are 10 years later living the best life together.

My boyfriend and I moved out to our first apartment together when we were 19, and we bought our townhome together at 21! Over the years here we have had to update some pretty big ticket items around the house, but luckily this will benefit us later on when it’s time to sell or rent it out! There are still quite a few things we want to update around the house over the next few years, but for now we’re focusing on paying down the debts from those unexpected updates.

People are always asking when we’re going to get engaged/married/have kids/etc, and honestly it doesn’t bother me as I know we have been together for a while, but I don’t really even have an answer for anyone. I know that my boyfriend is trying to get me a ring that is too expensive, and with what we are trying to accomplish with our budget, I don’t know when that will be possible for him. He won’t budge on his decision, even though he knows I’d take a $500 ring, but that’s his choice.

I’ve always said my minimum age for having kids is 28, and I just turned 26 a couple months ago, so I am still on my timeline for that! Of course I always have that fear that I won’t be able to get pregnant, but luckily there are options like IVF and adoption! And if it comes to those options, I am blessed to have my wonderful man by my side for those times. I am so happy that we have come this far, and I know we will be able to handle anything together.

I honestly was kind shocked when I had a friend reach out to me yesterday – she told me to let her know if “anything happens” today, meaning a proposal. I let her know that it was not going to happen today, as my boyfriend and I already talked about everything, and her response was “I’m sorry.” Sorry? For what?

In my head, I was thinking “do my friends just feel bad for me? they think I’m not happy until I’m engaged?” I think it really just threw me off as she has known me for longer than I’ve been with my boyfriend, and I am very content with my life, which makes me think that she thinks I shouldn’t be. It may not be the case, I mean she’s already married and has a child, but I don’t compare my life with everyone else’s like most do, so I guess that could be why she assumed I’m unhappy? I really don’t know, it just didn’t really sit right with me.

I’ve been having a lot of thoughts and realizations lately, which is making me want to just cut off a bunch of people. I feel like it’s better to hang out with people who want to share ideas and life goals, and try to make plans to make dreams a reality. I’d rather not be around people who just want to talk about other people and judge everyone. I’ll be 100% honest, I have been a judgmental person, and I don’t want to be that way; I’d much rather take the time to understand where people are coming from and why they make the decisions that they do.

I’ve always had empathy for others, and I have always fallen in the middle of most debates and issues as I can literally see both sides of pretty much everything! I feel like that is also a majority of people, but we get lost in our social bubbles and the influences around us. I feel like it’s important to be open and understanding with all people, as when we ask questions and try to understand where people are coming from, we often learn new perspectives and ideas. Isn’t that what life is all about?

There is an overall lack of empathy and understanding in the world, and it will be detrimental to us all in the long run. I really want to do something to encourage more open discussions and ideas; my boyfriend and I have talked about doing a twitch stream and that may be where this starts. I’ll keep you posted on that! I hope everyone is having a good weekend!

Full Moon Monday

Wow was today a crazy ass day! Don’t get me wrong, I’m still liking this new job, but there’s definitely stress when there’s a coworker out sick when you’re still somewhat training (I know what I’m doing, I just have to keep practicing to get faster at it). I do like having my 40 hours a week, and honestly the job is so easy! I’m exhausted after today, but I knew I needed to post since I didn’t write yesterday.

Honestly, I had a really good week last week; I met up with a lot of friends that I haven’t seen in while and it was so nice catching up with people! The reason I got to connect with so many friends is because of my first small shop drop I did on 9/10! I was so happy to see so many friends supporting me; it honestly gave me a better appreciation for what I’m doing with my crafting.

I started a new book this evening titled “I’m a Therapist and My Patient is Going to be the Next School Shooter.” The book contains six patient files, and so far I have read two of them! So far it’s a super quick read and I’m excited to read the next one! On that note, I’m gonna end this post now and the goal is to post again on Sunday! Hope everyone has a great week!

Happy Sunday.

Today I woke up and made breakfast for myself and my boyfriend, and we enjoyed a calm morning together. I spent most of the rest of the day crafting, preparing for my first small shop drop on September 10th! Since not too many people I know follow my blog on here, I want to share a little sneak peak of the drop items on here!

I want to do a relatively small drop for my first one, as I have no clue if people will be interested/participating on this one, and I already have 17 items available for purchase! I am excited about everything I’ve made, and I’m feeling a lot more creative and confident about my crafting!

I’ve been feeling a lot better about my decision when it comes to work, and I am excited to start my new job in a couple of weeks! The goal is to get into a new routine with my job, workout out, crafting, and reading. I want to make sure that I am progressing in life and moving toward my goals, I deserve that for myself.

I am excited for the week ahead, as I feel only good things coming up. I hope that is the same for all of you as well!

Battling Guilt

Well, I decided to leave my current position and take the billing job with my old company! I felt a huge sigh of relief when I finally made my decision and accepted the offer, but now I am battling all of the guilty feelings. I had to tell my team yesterday that I was leaving, and it was not taken well. I know that this office has been through way too much…before me especially; but that cannot keep me from doing what I feel is best for me. I tried to keep them in good spirits by letting them know that my coworker would be their new Team Lead, and that she knows everything that I do. She is reliable, a hard-worker, and we all love her; she will do an amazing job as Team Lead. I understand that we work well together as a team, but she will find a compatible coworker and train her to be just as good.

I do want to explain what made me finally decide on the other position. As I said before, my manager from my previous office reached out to me originally with the offer to come to the billing team, and they would give me all my benefits back as if I never left. I originally declined because she could not give me more than what I was making hourly, and I preferred that as my insurance will be more expensive at that company (but hopefully my boyfriend and I will be getting a civil union or married so I can get on his insurance). I started the interview process for the billing team at my current company, and that office is an hour from my house (so I had to keep that in mind).

I hated the drive; I felt like it was such as long waste of time. I got there, and when I did my interview I let him know that I had another offer and I needed to make a certain amount in order to consider the billing job at that location. He let me know that he would talk to some people and get back to me, but it likely would not be until this week (and this was last Monday). He said once they gave me more information, if I want to move forward I would talk to my front desk coworker about moving up to Team Lead. Fast forward to this passed Tuesday (one week and a day after my interview), I am scrolling on Indeed and I see that my current position is on there: “Team Leader” at (insert my current place of work). Not only that, it said “posted 5 days ago.” FIVE DAYS AGO? Um, I do not remember getting any offer or accepting this billing job? Also, what about current front desk coworker- she is supposed to take my position!

So, clearly this upset me. I emailed my regional coach right away to tell her what I saw, and explained why my current front desk should be the new Team Lead. When she spoke to me the next day (yesterday) she let me know that they would consider her, but also were worried about experience (which is what they said when we originally brought her on, but she is AMAZING). She also said she would be in touch with the guy who interviewed me and get back to me about what information they had, and never acknowledged the fact that they posted the indeed ad without me even accepting the offer. I still knew I had a current job, but honestly, once I saw that it was up for grabs, I knew I had to make a decision to work an hour from my house (for maybe no more money?) or take the offer at the other place since it had already been 10 days since they offered it to me, and I’m sure they had other candidates interviewing. So, I waited for my boyfriend’s lunch to call him on the phone and discuss options, and we decided it was best to take the job at my previous company; I immediately reached out and asked if the position was still available and was relieved when she said it was.

I am finishing out my two weeks at my current job, and I want to get my coworker feeling organized and confident that she’s got this! Of course now one of the CEO’s is reaching out to me as he just found out that I put in my notice (ahem, two days ago), and is asking what they can do to keep me. Well, they can’t. I already accepted an offer, and I am excited to be working a normal schedule, with no weekends. I am excited to have a guaranteed 40 hours, and it is less than 30 minutes from my house which is what I wanted. Not only that, but this is work that I won’t ever bring home with me. I will be verifying insurances, entering checks, helping offices figure out accounts/balances… I won’t have to interact with any patients. I am happy to have steady hours that are always the same; it makes it easier to get into a good, healthy routine.

I know that I made the right choice for myself, but I cannot help but feel like I am abandoning my team. I know they will be fine without me, but I felt so bad when I had to hear their reactions when I told them I was leaving. One of the hygienists cried; they honestly all looked defeated. They started saying how they finally felt stable with a good team, and that I got this place back where it should be, and I reminded them that now the mess is cleaned up, and my current coworker knows how to keep it this way. She will be able to train the next person, and I am sure they will be a great team together. I can’t help but go back and forth feeling guilt, but I am just reminding myself that I made the right decision.