Check in/Reflection

How am I feeling? I’ve been having some obnoxious PMS the past few days; the on and off nausea is what’s bothering me the most. I’ve been so irritable and emotional and my period is supposedly coming in a few days, so I’m hoping that all of this goes away. I was going to go out to the bars last night with some friends, but decided to stay in since drinking would definitely not help my nausea. I also have just been feeling like I want to be alone lately; I need to do some self-reflection.

I recently was thinking about how I wasn’t always the nicest person as a kid, and I still find myself being judgmental of others. I was super critical of myself when I was younger, and that also made me critical of those around me. As I’ve grown older and been on my self-love journey over the last couple of years, I’m realizing that when I am being judgmental of someone else, it’s because I am seeing something of myself in them.

Often times how we feel about others is a reflection of how we’re feeling about ourselves. For example, money is a huge trigger for me/my anxiety. A lot of my sense of worth and control is revolved around money, which is another thing I am working on. If I find myself being judgmental of how someone is spending their money, it’s because I have an issue/insecurity about myself and my money habits. What someone else does with their life is none of my business, I can only control myself and my mindset.

I also know that I am a very empathetic and understanding person; I can very easily put myself in someone else’s shoes and get an understanding of why they make the choices they do. It’s also helpful to realize that most people do have unresolved traumas and are the way they are because of that. We couldn’t control our childhood or how we were parented, but today we can control how we parent ourselves.

Diving into what we truly need and finding out how we can give that to ourselves is extremely important. I need loving, healthy relationships, whether with my boyfriend or with friends or family; I can no longer tolerate those who do not respect myself or my boundaries. I get to choose who I spend time with and who is in my life.

I need to feel healthy, and how I do that is try to get my body moving every day, even if it’s just a bit of stretching. I try to balance making sure I get my veggies and fruits in everyday, as well as protein, but I could definitely be better at that. That is something I can try to spend more time/effort on so I feel that I’m living true to my values.

I need to feel knowledgeable, and I have been listening to podcasts more recently as well as reading! I was on a good streak for reading but kind of slowed down within the lag couple months. If I dedicate time to get back into reading, I will feel more fulfilled as I know one of my goals is to write a book one day, and this will definitely be helpful in getting me there. The more books I read, the more knowledge I’ll have and be able to apply to my life and maybe even my first book!

I enjoy experiences, but I also like to do so on a budget. I could look into more local free events and see if friends want to attend, or maybe even just go alone. An experience can really be anything; going to a farmers market, checking out the local library, walking on a new trail… there are truly endless options. Something I could do is set a goal to do at least one new experience a month, and if I want to increase frequency, I can!

I want to heal my traumas and learn how to manage stress and my emotions. I still see my therapist every once in a while, and I make it a point to listen to healing podcasts and follow self-love accounts on instagram, but I know there is more I can do. Writing this blog post is something that is so important, because it is allowing me to talk to myself and figure out my true wants/needs.

I think we all have an idea of what we want, but when we look deeper we find that we aren’t really living a lifestyle that is in alignment with our desires. I want to live a life that is in alignment with my values, and I feel like I am already doing this! However, I also feel that I can dedicate more time to myself and my desires, and I deserve that. We all deserve to live our best lives as our best selves!

Happy Tears

I am feeling a overwhelming amount of emotions, and I can’t stop crying. I just discovered Gabrielle Bernstein and, this may not make sense, but I feel like I found my future self. I was listening to the latest episode of Jay Shetty and he had her on, and now I just listened to one of her episodes from her podcast “Dear Gabby,” and I just keep crying, but not out of sadness… I feel like it’s almost out of gratitude? I am just feeling like I meant to stumble upon her.

She said she has several self-help books and she wrote them within her journey and she felt that her readers would benefit from being on that journey. I keep going back and forth about writing a book and thinking that I have to do it once I’m “fully healed,” but we aren’t really ever fully healed, are we? Life keeps going, new stresses and traumas come about, we just learn to navigate and develop new ways to self-soothe.

The ideal self-soothing techniques would be tuned into self-growth, rather than self-destruction, which is exactly what I am trying to do now. I am actively trying to give myself grace and remind myself that I am human, and I think a lot of people could also benefit from doing this. Being hard on ourselves doesn’t necessarily help us; sure, it’s good to expect more from yourself, but not to the point where you break yourself down to nothing.

We deserve to love ourselves, and the more love we have for our authentic selves, the more we can love others. The world would be such a better place if everyone looked at people though the lens of love and empathy, because instead of judging and being critical, we’d be welcoming and understanding. People can do much more together than apart.

Discipline

I keep saying I’m going to write more, and then I don’t. I am going to add writing into my weekly routine, hoping to do at least 2-3 times a week, but ideally I’d like to journal daily. I deserve that time to check in with myself and I know it’ll help with my self-development as well.

The other I was telling my boyfriend about writing and how one day I want to be an author, and that I need to start writing more and even posting more on instagram to get more following (so that way when I do eventually publish a book, maybe more people will be interested in it). Not even kidding, literally within a couple hours one of my friend’s dads (who happens to be an author) messaged me on instagram after I posted a funny reel and he said he loved my posts and said “You are an author waiting to happen!”

What’s even more ironic is that I didn’t even post anything about writing a book or wanting to be an author, but that he is what he said to me. He also said that he can tell I have a lot in my head and it’s cool to see “flashes of it peak out.” I don’t even know 100% what that means, but I definitely have a lot in my head LOL!

My boyfriend is not the same as me when it comes to believing in signs, and he isn’t really into any spirituality, but I definitely saw this as a sign! Although he doesn’t believe in some of the things I believe in, he still listens to me and tries his best to understand; and we both always support each other’s dreams. We are both realistic of course, like no one is quitting their day job to become an author or a Twitch streamer, but it’s important to have dreams!

So basically I just need to write more, and instead of just saying it, I actually need to do it. I have to figure out a schedule and see what times of the day work well for me to sit down and journal. I hear it’s great to journal in the morning, so maybe on days that I am not going to the gym I can take time to write instead. I’ll just have to try it out and see.

If anyone has any advice at all, I’ll gladly accept it! I hope everyone has a good weekend!

Synchronicities

I’ve always seen certain numbers, such as 911, 1111, 731 (my birthday), 1002 (anniversary) and 1106(my boyfriend’s birthday). I started reading a bit about “Angel numbers,” and just learning about these synchronicities, and it’s actually kind of wild to me how much I’m noticing around me as I focus more on my true goals and intentions.

Now, literally every single day, I’ve been seeing synchronicities such as 111, 222, 333, 444, 555, 1234… and it’s literally all the time! It’s typically on the clock or I’ll see them on license plates, or it’s the time I send an important message. Of course many people, including my boyfriend, don’t believe any of this is correlated and everything is just a coincidence, but I am not too sure with how consistent this has been.

Has anyone else had any experience or know much about this? I’m interested to hear stories or even people who are opposed to these types of things!

Thursday Affirmations

With the weekend right around the corner, I’d like to take time to write down some goals/affirmations for myself. Feel free to share some of your own in the comments! I hope everyone is having a great day!

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I will achieve great things.

I am able to achieve my goals and dreams with ease.

I attract what is meant for me, and release what is not for me.

I am deserving of success and wealth.

I am allowed to say “no” and part from everything that does not serve me.

I welcome wealth and abundance into my life.

I am in tune with my intuitions and desires, and work towards goals.

I am filled with positive, healthy habits.

I am able to successfully prioritize my goals and desires.

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Friends.

I have a few close friends; some that I see monthly, others that I see every couple weeks, and some I don’t see for several months. We are all adults who have our own busy lives, and luckily all my friends are very understanding of this. However, as we grow older our needs change, what we want/need in our lives is always shifting, and sometimes friends drift apart.

I struggle sometimes with what I am looking for and needing in a friendship, because of course I want to surround myself with positive people who are wanting to progress in life, but I also am not saying I never want people to express their emotions/feelings to me; I mean we all need to vent!

I guess I just don’t agree with a lot of my friends with certain things, but at the same time we are still able to see through those things and continue a regular friendship; I think more-so it comes down to that I feel like I cannot support a behavior that I do not agree with. But then I’m also like, I can ignore that and remember that everything happens for a reason/it is what it is.

I guess that’s where I struggle, as part of me is like “am I too judgemental with my friends who I don’t agree with?” or are they truly not good for my progress in life? I guess it comes down to, would I rather be alone than have them as friends? That gets hard too because I am a person who enjoys solitude, so it’s hard to say if I’d be cutting people off for the right reasons or not.

I had a best friend years ago, we were friends in high school and we were friends for a couple years after that. I called her my best friend, but in reality we never had any real conversations. One of the reasons we aren’t friends anymore was because I couldn’t deal with her immaturity anymore, but I had also been coming to a realization toward the end of our friendship that she never had her own opinions on anything, which made it hard for any real conversations to happen.

It felt like she just said what other people were saying, but had no idea why she was doing that or how she actually felt about it. She prioritized drinking/partying as well as taking pictures for social media. I’ll admit, I fell into that with her in that friendship; I was new to social media as my parents wouldn’t let me have Facebook until I was 16, and I enjoyed taking/posting pictures of myself having a good time with friends, and she was my best friend for that.

Over time she started disrespecting me, and I’d honestly usually let it go. She’d make fun of me, she’d talk all about her sex life but if I said anything about me and my boyfriend she’d gag and tell me to stop talking about it, but overall she had no respect for me whatsoever. The last straw was when I went to visit her at her college campus to celebrate my 21st birthday.

We celebrated a week after my birthday since her dad and I share a birthday, and I drove up to see her and she said we would have a girls night out drinking and we’d just stay at her sorority house that night. I met one of her other friends and we started bar crawling. At the last crowded bar there was a dance floor, and she wanted to go in and dance. I’m all for dancing with my girls so I said yes, but that quickly turned into her finding some guy to start grinding on. Mind you, I am in a committed relationship and had been for five years at that point, so I’m not out here trying to having dudes dance all over me.

So I exited the dance floor and hung out by the bar talked to a couple girls I met (you know how drunk girls always become friends? LOL), well eventually my “bff” comes out from the dance floor with that same dude she was all over, and she tells me she is going home with him. I am freshly 21 in a college town that I’m unfamiliar with, and she just told me she’s leaving me there. I asked her “where am I supposed to go??” and she gave me the code to her sorority house and left with this dude.

I called my boyfriend (mind you, it’s like 2am) and asked him to stay on the phone with me while I walked a couple blocks back to her place. He was infuriated of course, and I was too, but the alcohol likely helped to keep me more calm. I was very observant on my walk and truly just wanted to make sure I wasn’t going to get attacked/raped because you hear all these horror stories about college campuses. Luckily I made it to her place safely and have obviously lived to tell the tale, but safe to say that was basically the end of our friendship.

We did talk afterwards as she got mad at me that my boyfriend messaged her telling her she was a shit friend (which I didn’t know he was going to do), and she said that I didn’t want to be her friend because my boyfriend convinced me of that. Like no girl, you left me alone in the middle of the night in an unfamiliar area while we were celebrating MY BIRTHDAY! But once she was mad about that we had a text argument back and forth where I ended up just blocking her completely, and that was finally the end of a five year friendship.

The problem for me is that it took five years for me to realize that she was not a good friend to me, even when my boyfriend had been somewhat telling me that the whole time. He also says that about current friends, and my mom does too, which makes me feel like I am possibly just settling for friends again when I really don’t even need them. I don’t mean that in a malicious way, I more-so mean that I’ve grown to know and love myself a lot more over the last few years, and I am very content with being alone and having minimal friends.

I need to do some exploring within myself to see what it is that I am wanting/needing in my life when it comes to friends. As I grow older, my priorities are changing, life is changing, and sometimes you need to let certain people go to allow room for growth. I’ll be sitting with this for a while, as I feel I already have been. Please feel free to share your own story or advice in the comments, as maybe we can help each other.

Crystals

Three separate people have gifted me crystals this past Christmas. My best friend and I finally celebrated our Christmas together yesterday (LOL yeah, we’re late AF), and she got me a witchy mystery box that came with three different crystals, a stone, some seeds, bay leaves, and little notes that explained what all of them do and are used for!

She bought it from a small shop and she sent in a description of me, and the shop owner used their insight and sent a cleansed mystery package. It’s honestly interesting to me; I’m not quite sure I necessarily believe in witchcraft or that type of thing, but I do believe that our minds are powerful and we can do a lot with just focusing more on positivity and goals.

From what I know about “witchcraft” (which is barely anything so take this how you want to) is that’s it’s about setting intentions, removing negative energy, and manifesting whatever it is that you desire. In general people speak about the “law of attraction,” which is basically getting what you desire by focusing on it with intent, and I see that same idea here in a way. I think overall that it is just bringing people to be more present and aware, which is then making us notice more around us and appreciate more (which isn’t a bad thing)!

I don’t know how much I’ll dive into this; ironically one of my other good friends was just over on Friday night and was saying how she wants to get into crystals, so part of me is like “is this a sign?” Do I even believe in signs? I’m unsure at this point. I’ve been trying to focus more on my health as I think I may have been experiencing blood sugar issues, so I’m working on adding protein to every meal as my doctor recommended. I think that should be my main focus at this time, but I am definitely interested in learning more!

Triggered.

A close friend of mine is grieving the loss of one of her best friends. I knew the girl who passed as well, but wasn’t very close with her. Needless to say, this is upsetting, however I think it has also caused me to fall physically ill. I’m having similar issues to what I last March: random nausea/vomiting that comes out of nowhere. I’m having weird cramping as if I’m going to get my period, but it ended four days ago. I’m negative for covid and my doctor just ended up giving me nausea meds again to help, but I need to do some deep diving into healing because I cannot live like this.

Talking to my friend as she vents about her grief is actually physically affecting me. I am having a hard time, because this is bringing up a lot of memories of when a good friend of mine passed away a few years ago. I’m also sad about this current situation, but I’ve been having a lot of thoughts about my friend and she recently was in a dream of mine where I told her about this girl who just died.

Now obviously I need to be there for my friend who is here and dealing with her best friend’s death, but how can I do that without feeling so ill and depressed? I’m taking a break from my crafting/small business as I need to take this journey into healing myself from the inside out. I have been in therapy for years, but I clearly haven’t been doing enough work.

I recently read about the importance of silence and meditation and I am going to try to mediate again. This time will be different, because I truly have a goal here: healing. If anyone has any advice/experience with being empathic/highly sensitive, I am all ears. I see my therapist tomorrow as well which I’m looking forward to, I’m sure she will have some tips.