thoughts

Thought Blurb

I want to be nice and spread love and light, until I am getting attention I don’t want. I don’t want special treatment, I don’t want people to become obsessive over me, I don’t want to feel like I have to now shut down my love and light in order to get that person away from me. Am I too attached to their perception? Or do I feel fake if I am being kind when I don’t want to be someone’s friend? Just because I care for others does not mean I want to be everyone’s friend. Just because I am kind does not mean I want to hang out. If I set that boundary, and it is not respected, what is next? Of course it’s easier when it’s an actual friend you’re dealing with, because you can distance yourself or whatever… but what if this is in a work environment? What if I cannot escape this person and I can feel my negativity bubbling under the surface when I’m around them? What if it’s because when I am nice they start to think we’re friends? I guess that is her problem considering I have made it very clear and said “I’d like to just keep this a work relationship.” Maybe that wasn’t direct enough? Neither are my constant declines of her invites. Or me clearly sharing less and less of my life with her? I felt guilty because I was too kind at first and didn’t know who this person was, but I also do see how she can be my indicator to do more shadow work.

I hate that she cares so much about me and what I am doing and won’t mind her own business- I used to be that way. I called it “being an empath” and I’d obsess over everyone else and their lives, and it wasn’t until I started doing the work and realizing I was abandoning myself that I was able to make these changes. I was always trying to appease everyone else and be super nice to avoid confrontation, and I can see that coming off of her as well. I am doing what I used to do by letting her change my attitude and being so negative… I have to let go of caring what she thinks of me or this so-called relationship she seems to need from me. I can only stay firm in my boundary, I do not have to be anyone’s friend, and like I said before, I can still be kind. I can’t let others dim my light, and I cannot help what they interpret things as, I can only be direct and set my boundaries.

Writing It Out / Random Thoughts

Part of me feels the need to write a love letter to myself. When I receive compliments, I am always appreciative and they make me feel loved, but in another way I feel like I detach myself from them. I try to take in their kind words and I understand what they are saying to me, but it’s almost as if I cannot apply that to myself. I have always talked about having a battle going on in my mind; sometimes I’d say it’s between “rational me” and “irrational me,” but whenever I’m having this internal struggle, I never know which one is me. As I write this out I know that sounds kind of stupid, because both of them are me, but I often feel like an imposter in my own life.

I know that most of my issue is the fact that I have been a people-pleaser for most of my life, and I still have those habits that I am working through. As I start to open up and share my opinions, I can feel myself shifting and reclaiming my power, but I still struggle to determine when or when not to say things. Now as I write this I am realizing I should probably only say anything if it is something that I feel is negatively impacting me or my mental health, that means I need to set some sort of boundary. Or I can always ask if someone wants to hear my opinion before I just share it, as sometimes people aren’t looking for that at that time, and some people really don’t care.

My thoughts are kind of all over the place right now and I just started thinking about writing this love letter to myself and I remembered that I did that somewhat recently, but that it was written in third person. I then started thinking back to a lot of my writings and poetry and whenever I am creating something, it is most often in the third person perspective. When I am writing a love letter to myself, it’s like I cannot even talk to me, I almost feel like I am hovering over me and witnessing me, but I am not attached to her(me). It’s like I dissociate when it comes to me giving myself love. Could that be because I had abandoned myself for so long by diving into everyone else’s lives? Have I been gone for a long time? Have I been present at all during this healing?

I have noticed that I am more present and have been recalling recent memories easier. Another helpful thing I am doing is writing down the good days / memories and putting them in a jar. That way, at the end of the year I can go back and see if I remember much from those times and also reflect on how wonderful the year was. I am taking active steps in being more aware in my life and I slow progress is still progress. I haven’t given up, and I have made it through everything and am still here to post my weekly blog post, so I deserve to celebrate that. Honestly, there are a lot of things I have to celebrate in life and actively taking time to acknowledge and be grateful for them is something that helps me to be more present and feel the love that I seem to detach from. Maybe I will write that love letter later on, but for now I can practice gratitude, and I invite anyone who is reading to comment something you are grateful for today-no matter how big or small. ♡

I am grateful for my health: the fact that I woke up today and am able to breathe, walk, eat, and function without any assistance or need to think about it is truly a blessing. Also having access to podcasts and books that provide important, useful information for both mental and physical health is incredibly helpful.

I am grateful for my relationship: my boyfriend and I have continued to grow together over the past decade and our communication skills and love for one another have only continued to evolve. I am forever thankful to have found my life partner at such a young age, and being able to watch him grow into the hard-working intelligent man that he is has been incredible. I am lucky to have someone who is respectful and honest, and also someone who will be the best father to our future children.

I am grateful for my friendships. I feel blessed to have so many close friends who understand how I am as a friend and still love me for me. I say that because I know I am terrible at reaching out and making plans, but I am always rooting for my friends and wishing them the best. I am also lucky that they reach out to me and make plans too, otherwise I’d likely never leave my house LOL-so thank you guys so much ♡

I am grateful for my job. I am blessed to have a job where I am able to pay my bills, I have health benefits and PTO and I am able to enjoy life. I am happy that I don’t have to work any weekends, as this is the first job I have ever had where that is the case. I also am confident in what I do, and I know I am a reliable, hard-working employee.

I am grateful for my cats. I always had cats growing up, and I am so happy that I was able to continue that into my adult life. I am lucky that they are all healthy and they are happy with their lives. Kitty cuddles and purrs are always soothing and it brings me joy knowing they feel safe and loved.

I am grateful for so many things in my life, and truly feel like a blessed woman. I have days where I feel depleted and off-center, I have days where my emotions get the best of me, but I know am always surrounded by love and support. Even if I am alone, I know that no matter how low I may feel, the strength and resilience within me does not disappear. It may be hard to remember during those times, but those heavy feelings are always temporary, and I know I will come back to feeling myself again. I have so much love to give to everyone else, but I need to focus on also directing it inward. I am someone with pure intentions and I feel that people are more connected than they think, and I plan to stand strong in my values as I continue to progress towards my goals. Even though it is rough sometimes, I am so grateful for my growth and for this life. Thank you. ♡

Thursday Thoughts

With the new moon yesterday, I’ve been thinking about new intentions, and I really want to work on non-judgment. I am a very observant person, but this also makes me very judgmental. I find myself judging others for their “bad choices,” when in reality I don’t know what is a “good” or “bad” choice for that person; it just is what it is.

It’s basically like how I am rewiring my angry/negative thoughts to being thankful, I am going to actively start doing that when I find myself being judgmental. I have read about practicing non-judgment before, and I truly wish to master this skill. I know it will take time, and I’ll never be “perfect,” but I feel like a “bad” person when I’m judging others and I don’t like that feeling.

When I find myself being judgmental, I will instead start thinking about why I am grateful for that person or think of a positive way to look at them. I will also remind myself that “it is what it is, and should be,” because everything truly does happen for a reason. Does anyone else have any tips/tricks for this?