healing

Grateful Monday

I didn’t want to start the day on the wrong foot, and that was where I was headed since my cat decided to annoy me starting at 5:45am and ruined my last half hour of sleep. I decided to do a small ten min meditation to calm myself, which I only ended up doing a little over seven minutes but those few minutes honestly made me feel so relaxed.

I am ready for a good week ahead to get me into the three-day weekend! I want to focus on myself and how I am feeling, and just continuing to be vocal about what it is I need. I don’t want to fall back into habits of being a people-pleaser or abandoning myself, which is why it’s important that I am in tune with what I am feeling and I express those feelings when needed.

I am thankful to be awake and have my health on this beautiful, sunny morning. I got to wake up next to the love of my life, I have a reliable vehicle to get me to work which allows me to live my life and also pay my bills. I have clothes on my back and food in the fridge, and (as usual) I am going to treat myself to an iced coffee this morning! I am ready for the day and I am ready to be unapologetically me. Happy Monday!

Appreciating Myself.

I am proud of myself.

I am proud that I can recognize my self-defeating patterns quicker and that my default now is to immediately start seeing what to be grateful for in any moment.

I am proud that I can face the darker parts of me and give them compassion and understanding instead of shoving them away with anger and resentment.

I am proud that I see that I am living the life I have always wanted, and although there is so much more good to look forward to, I am very happy and aware of the precious present moments.

I am proud of the fact that I have a wonderful group of friends who love and support me, and I’m so grateful we can all celebrate our growth and accomplishments together.

I am proud of my patience and my resilience in my own healing / self-love journey; I stay giving myself grace and love every day.

I feel so very blessed today and every day, and I never want to take it for granted.

It’s the way…

It’s the way I’ve changed the inner narrative. I’m not stupid, nor have I ever been. I am growing and learning, just as every human is. Instead of being hard on myself, I learn to give myself patience and understanding.

It’s the way I practice gratitude. I’ve never been ungrateful, but I often was not present, therefore I was not as appreciative. Taking time to acknowledge what is good in my life is grounding and brings me back to the present moment.

It’s the way I am becoming more patient. All happens as it should and it it’s own timing, therefore stressing about outcomes and time is pointless. I do my best to let it go and focus on good that’s here now.

It’s the way I am better at communicating. I am learning how to speak up when I am uncomfortable or upset, and also still listen to whoever it is I am speaking with. I deserve inner peace, and I no longer have room for resentment.

It’s the way I take time to prioritize myself. I give myself time to recharge and spend time relaxing, rather than packing my schedule. I understand how rest is a necessity and depriving myself from it is not healthy, nor is it something to celebrate.

It’s the way that I have stepped out of my comfort zone. Joining a writing community, being on my first podcast, speaking on a virtual mental health panel… I am really taking steps towards my dreams, and I love that for me.

It’s the way I am choosing to celebrate myself and acknowledge my growth. I am proud of the work I have put in and continue to put in, and I am excited to see the progress I’ve made.

It’s the way that I still get lost scrolling through Instagram and have days where I feel overwhelmed. I still get defensive and struggle to communicate at times. It’s the way that I still have things I need to work on, but I am giving myself permission to take it one day at a time, and I am loving myself along the way. ♡

Thought Blurb

I want to be nice and spread love and light, until I am getting attention I don’t want. I don’t want special treatment, I don’t want people to become obsessive over me, I don’t want to feel like I have to now shut down my love and light in order to get that person away from me. Am I too attached to their perception? Or do I feel fake if I am being kind when I don’t want to be someone’s friend? Just because I care for others does not mean I want to be everyone’s friend. Just because I am kind does not mean I want to hang out. If I set that boundary, and it is not respected, what is next? Of course it’s easier when it’s an actual friend you’re dealing with, because you can distance yourself or whatever… but what if this is in a work environment? What if I cannot escape this person and I can feel my negativity bubbling under the surface when I’m around them? What if it’s because when I am nice they start to think we’re friends? I guess that is her problem considering I have made it very clear and said “I’d like to just keep this a work relationship.” Maybe that wasn’t direct enough? Neither are my constant declines of her invites. Or me clearly sharing less and less of my life with her? I felt guilty because I was too kind at first and didn’t know who this person was, but I also do see how she can be my indicator to do more shadow work.

I hate that she cares so much about me and what I am doing and won’t mind her own business- I used to be that way. I called it “being an empath” and I’d obsess over everyone else and their lives, and it wasn’t until I started doing the work and realizing I was abandoning myself that I was able to make these changes. I was always trying to appease everyone else and be super nice to avoid confrontation, and I can see that coming off of her as well. I am doing what I used to do by letting her change my attitude and being so negative… I have to let go of caring what she thinks of me or this so-called relationship she seems to need from me. I can only stay firm in my boundary, I do not have to be anyone’s friend, and like I said before, I can still be kind. I can’t let others dim my light, and I cannot help what they interpret things as, I can only be direct and set my boundaries.

Dream Life

Just thinking about how I dreamt of the days that my boyfriend and I would wake up next to each other each day and do life together. I always imagined us laughing a lot and always feeling in love every day, the way we felt then in the beginning. I dreamt of having cats and having a garage and being able to pay our bills and still go out when we wanted to… I dreamt of the very life that I have today, and I never want to take that for granted.

What we focus on becomes our life. If I am constantly complaining about something or always annoyed by someone, I am wasting time and energy on the very things that I am bothered by. If I feel uncomfortable or disrespected in any manner, then it is up to me to speak up about my feelings to the people who can make a difference; harboring anger and building resentment will only prevent my growth. Setting boundaries is important and I refuse to make myself small in order to keep others comfortable- I don’t deserve that. I’d rather focus on all of the good in my life and what I am grateful for, as that will help me to succeed.

I am done treating myself like I don’t matter, like my opinions aren’t just as important as anyone else’s. I am done worrying about if someone is going to think I am “rude” for speaking up for myself. I know my intentions, and I know that I care about other people. I also know how that can be a weakness in some regard, so I am making sure I am aware and I set appropriate boundaries. Instead of focusing on the outcome or how someone will respond, I will focus on what the goal is and my intentions behind it.

I enjoy the life I have, and am grateful for the wonderful people I have supporting me and loving me along the way- now I am choosing to also become one of those supportive people for myself. I am cheering myself on every step of the way, and I am so proud of the work I’ve done and how much I’ve learned on this healing journey. I have plenty more work to do, but I am excited to continue to learn and grow in this life.

Proud of Me

I wanted to take a second to pat myself on the back. I spoke up about something that was bothering me at work and felt a huge relief once it was done. I don’t want to go too much into detail as there’s definitely elements that I am still irritated with, however I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me. I feel like this was a big step forward in my healing and me recognizing when enough is enough and listening to my body/intuition.

After been super stressed over the past week, I was happy I had some time this weekend to spend with friends, but also with myself. This morning I was up pretty early and I decided to get caught up on the free “Take Control” training that Mel Robbins released a couple weeks ago. I finished the training and felt energized and better than I had felt all week. I even decided to use my extra time alone to do a little dumbbell arm workout and a meditation! It’s nice to remind myself how good it feels to take care of me.

As we stroll into May, I want to prioritize seeking joy in every day life, and also being true to myself. I am finally feeling like I can be more vocal, especially since I know what my intentions are. I do myself a disservice by not speaking up when I feel disrespected or uncomfortable, and I don’t deserve that anymore. Reflecting on the amount of relief I felt when I finally talked to my boss last week, it made me realize it never had to go on this long. Instead of beating myself up for that, I am just going to remember that going forward. I don’t deserve to suffer in order to keep others comfortable, my job is to keep myself safe.

Life’s Guarantee: Death.

I hate death. I mean, I feel like everyone feels the same way about it (well, other than psychotic serial killers I suppose), but throughout my life, it was something I often feared. I know people have fears of dying, but my fears had to do with the people I love dying. I would find myself having intrusive thoughts about loved ones, especially my boyfriend, dying in horrific accidents. Or sometimes I’d just be thinking about getting those terrifying phone calls from police or a family member. I found myself dreading seeing family names pop up on caller ID, and it was because I always thought there was bad news on the other end of that line.

I can remember the first death that had a large impact on me, and that was my maternal grandfather dying when I was seven years old. It was a tragic accident and due to the severity of the head/facial injury, my family thought it was best that I did not see him in the hospital while he was fighting for his life. I do not blame them at all for this, in fact I am grateful that I remember him as he was, and also he did happen to look very much like himself in the casket. I remember continuously crying at that funeral…the grief and sadness felt heavy on my small body.

Fast-forward to age twelve, when I come home to find out that my 16-year old cousin had passed in a tragic accident. This one hurt like hell, because although we didn’t see each other often, when we did, he was one of my favorite people. He was so authentic and didn’t care what anyone thought, and he was hilarious as f*ck! I remember constantly laughing and just having a great time when we were together. Going to that memorial service was really rough for me, and seeing everyone else, knowing we all felt that pain but with different levels of severity…it all felt so heavy again.

Jump a couple years ahead and one of the neighbors at the apartments I was growing up in also suddenly passed. She had been the one who hosted annual Luau each year, as well as the Halloween and Christmas parties. She was always so fun to be around and her nephew was a good friend of mine as he also was my neighbor. Her death was hard to deal with, but for me, I was older and had dealt with death before, but for some of my friends/neighbors, they hadn’t dealt with anything like this before. I saw how hard it was for a few of them, and it hurt knowing too that there was nothing I could do to make that pain go away.

At age 20, I found out that one of my best friends from middle school and freshman year had unfortunately taken her life. This death really shook me and made me feel guilty for numerous reasons. We had never really had a falling out, we just slowly grew apart as our interests and lives changed, but of course I felt guilty that I hadn’t been there for her and that we hadn’t talked in so long. It is easy to spiral and get into the “what ifs,” but after obsessing and ruminating for too long, I realized all of that was pointless. It was hard to let go, especially with the lack of closure and the questions that still were running through many peoples’ minds, but I had to move on with my life.

Less than two years ago, someone else who I had known and recently seen had also suddenly passed. Although some people on the outside who didn’t really know her feel that they would have seen this coming, this was shocking to her close friends who were still in touch with her. I am closer with her best friend, but seeing her go through this loss and hearing about all of the questions still unanswered and all of the uncertainty, it started bringing me back to when my friend had passed. I realized that I would become physically ill whenever we would talk about the recent death of her friend, and I had to take a step back even though I felt like a terrible friend for doing so. I am blessed that she understood and was not upset, and still had other friends who she could lean on for support.

Today I went to a memorial service for a family friend. A couple of the neighbors I grew up with recently lost their uncle. Growing up with them, I also knew their cousins as well (the ones who just lost their father), and my parents and I went to pay our respects. I was reluctant to go at first, because I hate death. I know that the energy is heavy, and it is easy for me to feel those emotions and put myself in their shoes, but that is also why I had to go. I wanted to be there to support my childhood friends and their family, and I also know how hard it is to deal with loss. People need to be around those who love and care about them during these times.

Unfortunately, death is an inevitable part of life; but that love that we have for people during the time we have alive…that is what makes the grief so rough. So when thinking about it that way, grief truly is a powerful form of love. The fact that you have so much adoration and love for another person, and that fact that you physically ache and feel something detach when they leave shows how truly connected we are. For me, instead of fearing death and grief, I want it to serve as a reminder to love now, and be present. It’s important to appreciate what we have right now in this moment, because life is too short, and we never know how short it is.

Death brings a form of heartache that can be hard to describe, but at the same time, if that person was here for one more day, you know you would spend every moment with them. Loving them, breathing in their scent, admiring their features…you wouldn’t shy away and distance yourself in hopes to make the pain easier, you would embrace all of the love that is present and appreciate it, even if that makes it harder when its time to let go. And when the inevitable happens, and the pain is at its worst, you can still lean into that love. Lean into the positive memories. Lean into supportive family and friends. Lean into that power of love that has brought so much joy into your life. Feel that grief move through you; cry it out and don’t feel guilty about it. Sending love to all who need it, and make sure you tell your loved ones how important they are to you.

Toxic Traits: See them, love them, then let them go.

Today I purposely made no plans and I am very grateful for that. I have been spending a lot of my weekends with friends and I enjoy seeing them and having those connections, but I also am the type to feel very drained afterwards. I have talked about this plenty of times on here, but I am just proud of myself for finding ways to still be able to have these great friendships and maintain my own mental health. I used to feel so anxious and resentful and burnt out because of my own lack of boundaries, and now that I am taking accountability and actual steps to keeping this balance in my life, it feels so much easier.

I understand why people don’t want to self-reflect or do the deeper work, it is very hard to come to terms with the toxic parts of yourself. But if we’re being completely honest, that is the only way to truly learn to love every part of yourself. Now I am not saying it’s good to be toxic or that we should just accept the fact that we are that way and continue to be that way, although technically you are able to do as you please. What I am saying is, you can dig into where those toxic traits come from and get a better understanding of why you behave in certain ways. As you learn about yourself and gain clarity, you can then practice healthier behaviors and create more productive habits, rather than just shaming yourself for having toxic traits and then continuing to live in that toxic cycle.

I know that I used to live in a continuous shame cycle, and it honestly made me feel like I was going crazy. I would “argue with myself” in my head all day, and I would constantly be angry with the way that my brain worked. I was upset that all I had in my head was chaos, yet to everyone outside of my home, I made it seem like everything was together. My worth was wrapped up in my achievements, so I got my apartment with my boyfriend, got that associate’s degree, kept a clean home, and I just made sure it all looked great from the outside. I would let friends vent to me, and I would never tell them what I was going through. To be fair, I did feel that they all had their own struggles to deal with and that I didn’t want to burden them with mine, but sometimes I think it was because I was trying to keep up this act like everything was perfect.

I then grew to become very resentful of the fact that I felt that no one actually cared about what I was going through, and that I had friends venting to me but I didn’t feel I could do the same with them… but was that really ever the case? I likely could have vented to them in the same way, but I always kept everything inside. How were they to suspect anything was wrong when I made it seem like my life was just easy and “perfect.” And to be honest, life has always been good, but when my anxiety and intrusive, ruminating thoughts were out of control, I just felt like that was life, because that was life in my head.

I was blessed enough to have my boyfriend by my side as I went through everything, but because my and my anger were so out of control, and he was the person I was around the most and also felt the most comfortable with, I often ended up taking out my issues on him. I’d snap over small things like the dishes being in the sink instead of the dishwasher, or the fact that that garbage was full. I’d get angry because sometimes I would feel like he didn’t help with chores, but I also never even asked for help. It’s nice to wish that people would just know that you need help, but also everyone is going through their own stuff and also likely not communicating it.

So I’d just snap on him, we’d argue about it, and then I always ended up crying and feeling guilty because I hated how I was behaving and didn’t understand why I couldn’t just communicate like a normal person. This cycle continued until I finally realized that I was pushing away someone who was so being so patient and loving with me, and that I truly didn’t want to continue living like this. I didn’t want to get angry over the smallest inconvenience. I didn’t want to feel constantly drained and burnt out because of me constantly over-extending myself. I didn’t want to keep crying every day or feeling like a rage was always sitting inside of me… so I finally got help.

I am grateful that was the decision I made. Although it has taken a lot of therapy, a lot of different medications, and a lot of time and effort, it has been 100% worth it. If someone told me at age twenty that it would take about seven years for me to feel more regulated and at peace, I probably would have looked at that timeline and decided to just give up right then, but honestly, although it has been a lot of time, it has been the most rewarding work I have done. This is why they say to focus on the step in front of you, not the entire staircase. When we look at how far we have to go, we can cripple ourselves and scare us into staying where we are.

The fact that I can now alleviate my ruminating thoughts within a few minutes is incredible, and honestly is something I didn’t know was possible. The fact that I can communicate my needs and ask for help instead of getting to the point where I am boiling over has been a game-changer for my relationship with my boyfriend, as well as my relationships with friends and family. The fact that I no longer look at myself with hatred or keep myself in a loop of shame/negative self-talk has had such a profound impact on my overall look at myself and at life. I now focus on finding the good and finding reasons to be grateful, rather than letting the negative weigh me down.

I am learning balance and I am taking care of myself, which is helping my to show up more authentically and present in every area of my life. I am so grateful that I was able to get help, and that I have had supportive people in my circle who love and care about me. I believe that people can change, but only if they truly want to. I wanted to change for the better, and I am proud of the work I have done. I am excited to continue learning on this healing journey, and I hope I can help some others along the way.

Enjoying Each Season

On holidays sometimes I find myself thinking about the future; I think about my boyfriend being my husband, and us having children who see the world as a magical place. I think about the traditions we will have and how I intend for my children to look forward to seeing family and celebrating together. As much as I am excited for those days, I still am very grateful for this slow season in life.

Right now I get to live my life; In any moment I can decide to leave the house to go shopping, or grab coffee, and it’s easy. I can book dinner dates with friends without a second thought, hell I can even book trips as long as the bills are paid! I don’t want to focus so much on what I have to look forward to, and miss out on these moments that I will crave one day.

My boyfriend and I got to enjoy a nice breakfast out this morning, and now he is enjoying a nap as I write this. I am listening to some music, watching the cats sunbathe by the sliding glass door, and just enjoying this day and this present moment. I am so grateful to live this life, and I feel blessed to have gotten to a place where I feel comfort in the peace.

In the past when I had free-time, or any moments of boredom, I would feel anxious. I would feel like I needed to get up and start doing chores or leave the house and just make sure I wasn’t just sitting around. Now I can look at these moments and embrace them. I no longer feel the need to run around and get things done, instead I understand that rest and spending time with myself is where a lot of the healing comes from, and it is necessary.

When I find time alone, I have been trying to scroll less, and instead actually take time to do something that brings me joy. I’m not going to lie, sometimes jamming to music and cleaning does feel quite invigorating, but I have found other ways to spend my time as well. One example is the writing I am doing right now! I enjoy getting in touch with my thoughts and getting them out, as well as remembering the progress I’ve made and celebrating myself.

As it gets warmer out, I am excited to get back outside and doing my regular walks, which I am going to go on one here soon. I usually will listen to a podcast of some sort, but this year I also want to take walks where I am just listening to the sounds around me. I know that can be very grounding and honestly I am sure that is somewhat of a meditative experience as well- guess I will have to find out!

Either way, I am enjoying this period of my life. I always feel that it is important to realize how blessed we truly are, and I love taking time for gratitude, because I truly am living a great life. I get to wake up to the love of my life every day in a warm bed, hearing the sounds of loud cat meows and the pitter patter of their paws. Truly, I am living the life I once dreamed about, and as much as I am excited for our future endeavors of marriage and parenting, I am incredibly grateful for the life we have today. I enjoy the times we can just lay in bed and cuddle, I enjoy our breakfast dates, I enjoy when we get to travel together, and I enjoy living each moment. Thank you.

“Where focus goes, energy flows.”

I absolutely love when I awake in the morning and the sun is blaring in my eyes as our curtains hang just an inch too high above the window sill. I know that probably sounds like sarcasm, but just knowing that the sun is out and seeing how bright it is truly brings a sense of childlike joy to my heart. I’m not going to lie, I felt very exhausted waking up today, but that sunshine definitely brought some motivation.

Last month I spent time doing things I love; I went to a couple of concerts and I prioritized spending time with friends. I still battle with feeling drained after being out and hanging with people, but as long as I take time to be with myself and my thoughts afterwards, I typically end up replenishing that social battery. I absolutely love having conversations with people and just seeing how small the world is and how such different humans can still connect with each other. I truly believe that the art of listening and learning could have a profound impact in this world, which is why I am ready to get serious about my goals.

I keep talking about starting a podcast, but not making any efforts towards achieving that goal. I have most of the equipment that I need, I have endless resources at my fingertips (Google, YouTube, etc.), I have a bunch of scrambled ideas in my head, yet I haven’t put anything to paper… until yesterday! I finally did some bullet points and episode ideas and have been thinking about how to record and that I’d want to make other content out of my episodes. I have other ideas that I don’t want to go too much into detail on just yet, but I am starting to look at the resources I have and have decided I need to stop wasting time.

Last May I connected with a woman on a girls trip with one of my high school best friends, and she recently started a podcast of her own! On her podcast she is incredibly open about sharing her story and diving into her traumas, and she is creating a community of people who are healing together and growing together, which is honestly what I am wanting to do as well! Leading up to me seeing her announce her podcast, I had been getting some interactions with podcasters that I listen to on Instagram, such as Mel Robbins sharing my Instagram story to hers, and even getting a reply back from Jay Shetty in the comments!

Honestly, I had been asking for signs of what I should be putting my efforts towards and focusing on, and I kept receiving signs but still not putting in any effort. I knew that when I got these notifications of these well-known podcasters that I was supposed to explore this idea and see if this dream is what I really want to pursue. Recently I was able to reconnect with that woman from the girls trip on Instagram, and she actually invited me to be on her podcast! We chatted on the phone for a bit and she is going to send me some more information so we can get ready to record at the end of this week!

I was honestly honored that she wanted me to to be on her show, and I literally look at this as not even a sign, but as if the universe just put everything right in front of me and has made the opportunity so apparent and available. This is going to be a good test for me to see how I enjoy it and learn from her, and I am honestly just so grateful for this opportunity. Like Tony Robbins said: “Where focus goes, energy flows.” I want to make sure I am taking time to prioritize myself and my hobbies, especially while I am in this season of my life where I have the time and freedom to do so. I am excited for this next chapter, and I am blessed to have such great support around me.

Sending love to all! Have a great Sunday and week ahead. ♡