healing

Whirlwind Nightmare

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Just woke up from what felt like a series of confusing nightmares of not being enough:

I’m not enough, but at the same time, I was also not trying because I don’t believe in myself. The pressures of pleasing everyone else and not being a disappointment swirling around at every turn. Seeing everyone else’s have fun while I punish myself for not being perfect. I distract myself with to-do lists and chores while getting overwhelmed. I don’t participate in the fun or games due to fear of failure and looking stupid.

Everywhere I go, I just want to cry- yet, I’m also so angry. But with who? It can only be me. I’m stopping myself from having fun and being around everyone because I am insecure about my intelligence and even my body at times. I’m putting this insane pressure on myself that I would never put on others. I’m worried about disappointing and upsetting others, while also continuously disappointing and upsetting myself. Who am I living for? What do I care about? What is important to me?

10-2-2026

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Today my husband and I celebrate two years of marriage, and fifteen years together! I’m so proud of how much we have grown together throughout the last decade and a half, and I can’t wait to see what our future holds. He’s sleeping next to me and I’m about to lay down and probably fall back asleep for a bit since we took the day off together. We have a very chill day planned and you bet your ass that Chili’s is involved! Can’t wait for those honey chipotle chicken crispers LOL!

Magical Vibes

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Well, I didn’t even realize that I missed a few days of blogging- oh well! I’m back for a moment now! My friend and I decided to be crafty today and make some magical wish boxes! I am planning to make another one that is more witchy themed, but today I went full pink whimsy vibes!

Happy Monday

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Another day, another week- man time just really keeps going doesn’t it LOL. But honestly though, it’s kind of wild to think about. Anyways, yesterday I did some crafting and decided to make some cute mini vision boards. I ended up mailing them off to a few of my friends today! I love doing little crafty things and am excited to see what I make next!

Sunday Scaries

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I don’t really feel like going to work tomorrow, or this whole week if I’m being real. I’d love to take a trip to an island or at least a beach somewhere warm! Luckily I still have today off, and my husband and I started off the day at our favorite breakfast place, so I’m satisfied for the day!

Yesterday we had fun at Oktoberfest with some of our good friends! We got to enjoy delicious smash burgers, pumpkin beer, as well as the haunted train ride and carousel! It was so fun hanging out with everyone, even though the rain kept coming and going. Luckily there were enclosed areas for everyone to hang out in!

It definitely feels like fall now which has me feeling cozy and spooky! I just finished watching Widows Bay (highly recommend- on Apple TV), and I am ready to just start watching every horror movie ever LOL so leave me some comments with your recommendations!

I hope everyone has a cozy, relaxing Sunday and that this week ahead turns out better than we expect!

Spooky photo from the drive home last night

Saturday Vibes

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It may be rainy, but we’re still gonna go to Oktoberfest with our friends tonight! I’m excited to see everyone and hang out later. Today has been pretty relaxing, yet also productive! I applied to a remote job and also sent off my resume to an office that’s relatively close to me. I don’t know if they are even hiring, I really did it just as a baby step to get used to reaching out, and also to learn how to deal with rejection.

I also have been trying to organize my thoughts / memories for a podcast episode I need to record. I’ve mentioned my creepy coworker in the past and I really just need to finally sit down and record- it’s just a lot to go back though. I still have a hard time piecing all of the timeline together, probably because I felt like I was in survival mode at that job even without all of her chaos. I’m not recoding the episode today, but I will soon!

Rainy Tuesday AM

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It’s gloomy and rainy outside which just makes me want to stay home and watch spooky movies. Of course I am going to be an adult and go to work today, so instead I will listen to some spooky podcasts at work to get me through the day. My go-to podcasts for that are Morbid and Heart Starts Pounding. If I am feeling more true-crime vibes then I also add Clues!

I’ve been trying to organize / condense some insurance stuff at work since the system we use has DECADES worth of patient information and old insurance in it, so as the month slows down for us I’ve been trying to get as organized as possible. I still of course have my regular duties of claims, verifying, helping with PTEs, etc- but organizing gives me a different type of satisfaction that I enjoy.

Luckily today is kind of a short day for me, and then I have therapy after work which should be nice! I hope everyone has a lovely day ahead!

Wednesday AM

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Yay for it being halfway through the week already LOL! Honestly, work yesterday wasn’t too bad and I actually went to the gym after work like I said I would! Look at me keeping a promise to myself! Now I’d just love to stay relatively consistent, so that’s a goal for this month (and really the rest of the year).

Also I got a new Braztie last night!! My husband loves his video games, our friends love their Pokémon cards, and me… I love Braziez!! They are different editions of Bratz babies in blind boxes and it’s currently my obsession. I was never into the Labubu’s, but considering I had quite the Bratz collection as a child, I am OBSESSED with these Bratzies!

Today, if the weather is okay, I am going to run a couple errands on my lunch break before stopping for the groceries on my way home! It’ll be nice to have all that done today so tomorrow I can focus on baking my Amish friendship bread after work! It’ll be my first time making that too and wow is it a process- I’ve been mashing a bag for 9 days now LOL!

I’ve decided today is going to be a great day, and I hope that today is great for everyone else as well!