Another day

Happy Monday! I am writing this from the break room at work as I was very busy yesterday and was too exhausted to post last night. This morning I was organizing ordering the bridesmaids dresses for my friends wedding in March as I am maid of honor, so that is why I didn’t post this morning.

Life has been busy which is good. I’m finally getting my car fixed after it was hit in July, so I’m driving around a 2020 Nissan Altima as my rental car for now. It’s a nice car but I definitely prefer my 2020 Sonata, which I should have back this week! My friend visited from WI this weekend and we went out to the bar which was nice and normal feeling.

Yesterday my friend had a “drive-by” baby shower as times are weird, but honestly I prefer those for baby showers because then you don’t have to sit there for hours watching them open all the gifts LOL. I feel like even when all this is over I’d prefer to do a drive-by baby shower in the future.

Speaking of which, my boyfriend and I revisited our plans/goals and we are going to try to start having children in a couple of years. We do still want to be married first, and we are currently not engaged, but our wedding plan is to elope in Aruba and we’ve already looked into a lot of it, so we are thinking the planning shouldn’t be too bad.

For the next couple years I plan to continue to work on my mental health. I am planning to wean off of my Cymbalta come Spring as I don’t want to risk coming off right into the winter months, but I’d like to not be on any prescriptions during pregnancy even if they are deemed to be “safe.” I’m still practicing the art of calmness and patience, and I know I will be doing that for the rest of my life, but I want to really dive into that over the next couple years to help prepare for motherhood.

Any tips/tricks/advice would be helpful! I love yoga but have been lacking at practicing, and I want to try meditation again as I feel like I’m at a better place now mentally that I was when I tried it before. I will keep you posted on that!

Early Sunday Morning

This morning I was wide awake at 7am, and I went to bed after midnight so I am not entirely sure why, but I used this morning to put together a little lame crafty card for a friend as I feel she may need a pick me up. I’m terrible about reaching out to friends lately, but I’m trying to get better.

Fall has arrived which makes me very happy! I already started decorating the house because I think it will help prevent me from falling into my seasonal depression at least for now, as I’m not trying to mix together my pandemic depression and my seasonal depression; I mean I can only handle so much.

I feel that I’ve been able to do a lot of self-reflecting during this year and I honestly do feel like I’ve learned a lot about myself and I am really trying to be more grateful and express more love to those who are important to me. Life is so short and our time is never guaranteed, and I am trying to apply that to everyday life, but in a healthy way, not an anxious way.

Today I am hoping to pick up a good book or two from Barnes and Noble, and very likely a nice candle from Bath & Body Works. I can’t spend too much money right now so I have to keep that in mind when I go, but I really want to find a book on Empaths. I’m not looking for one in particular but rather seeing if any look interesting and/or beneficial to me.

Maybe I’ll post later with an update, but until that possible “later” I want to share a peak into my spooky house!

Patience

I write this as I am sitting in the drive thru of dunkin’ donuts, patiently waiting to order my large iced dark roast with cream and a medium black cold brew for my boyfriend. I want a pick me up before the bridal shower I am going to attend today!

I am excited to see friends at the bridal shower and celebrate the bride-to-be! I put on a full face or makeup, which I also did yesterday when my boyfriend and I went ax throwing with a couple friends! It feels nice to do normal things and spend time with other people.

I am hopeful that one day life will go back to some sort of normal, although I can only pray that people will have learned how to be more patient and kind to one another. I want people to remember that we’re all humans going through our own struggles, and we are more alike than we think.

Lately I’ve been trying to take time every day to think about what I am grateful for, and it’s already made a difference in how I view life. I feel like in general I’m feeling more positive and happier, because I am taking time to actually think about things that make me happy and that I am blessed to have.

Take some time to think about what you’re grateful for today!

Self-care weekend

Yesterday was such a nice day, and it’s because I actually took time to do things that I like, and I was able to spend a lot of time with my boyfriend. Yesterday I was productive around the house in the aspect of doing laundry, dishes and taking out the garbage; then I decided to do some yoga.

Yesterday I even went on a walk in the rain because I wanted to go on a walk and was tired of being indoors. It’s been raining for the past week and it’s been exhausting, but I didn’t want to let that stop me. It was only sprinkling when I left for my walk, but at different points throughout the park it was raining pretty steadily. Nonetheless it was still really nice outside.

It’s 12:28pm right now and the sun is finally shining today!! I already went on my walk (my walk is about 2 miles according to my phone tracking me LOL). I also made myself some breakfast as I did yesterday. My go-to is two eggs over-easy/medium, bacon, and toast. I typically will drink orange juice with it if I have it, which I did today!

My boyfriend should be home soon from his personal training session so I’m going to ask him if he wants to get a late lunch later from one of our local sports bars because I kinda feel like putting on makeup and getting “dressed up” (aka maybe jeans instead of leggings/biker shorts LOL).

I hope everyone has a wonderful Sunday and finds time to do something that brings pure joy!

Wandering

I feel like my mind is constantly wandering trying to find new interests and hobbies. I feel like even though I didn’t do much before quarantine, I need to do things now to keep me going. But at the same time, I feel such a lack of motivation because I always give up on everything that I try. I never stick with anything and it drives me insane (especially because I know I’m the only one who can change that).

To be honest I need to give myself a little credit, because both Yesterday and Saturday I did at-home workouts. And then today I went on not one, but two walks! I told myself I wanted to work our more so I actually started doing something about it. I just really know myself and I know how I always give up on things, so I’m hoping I can get passed that somehow this time around.

I want to start writing poetry again, but I haven’t felt motivated or inspired lately. I sometimes wonder if taking anxiety medication hinders my ability to write because I always loved writing when I was in a bad state of mine (aka high anxiety or depression). My anxiety medication has definitely helped me a lot, but I hope to one day come off of it.

Self-reflecting

Something that I struggle with is staying motivated, and I’ve been feeling down about it lately. I also am upset with myself for my lack of hobbies/passions. I know that I have this blog, and I am proud of that, but there’s so much more that I want to be doing with my writing- I’m just not motivated.

I get mad at myself for being tired and for just laying in bed watching pointless tv, yet I have no desire to get up and work on bettering myself. I know life is hard right now for everyone with everything that’s going on in the world, and I’m sure I’m not the only person feeling this way, but that doesn’t make it any better because I am feeling everyone else’s depression.

I am a human, I am allowed to feel emotions, and I am still working on being able to differentiate the emotions of others; I need to stop being hard on myself. I mean, here I am writing again (even though I missed my regularly scheduled post) and I deserve to be proud of myself.

Nature calls, maybe?

Sometimes I wonder if I’d genuinely be happier living near a body of water, whether the ocean or a lake or even a huge pond. I just feel like knowing that I have that opportunity to escape to the calm waters right in my backyard would give me a sense of peace. Of course I’d have to purchase a paddle board and/or kayak, but I think this is something I definitely need.

I absolutely love going on walks/hikes and just being outside soaking up the sun. I love that I can still do all of these things even with the virus crap going on, and I hope that doesn’t change. Of course I’m upset that pools aren’t open, but if I was closer to water I’d probably complain less LOL. I did go on a walk today which was nice, I just feel like I need to go travel to new places and explore.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want to do and any hobbies I can get into, and I have been struggling. I do like the idea of it being physically beneficial, such as actually going on hikes and/or taking yoga classes. However I also like the idea of it being self-reflective such as writing/singing. The only person stopping me is myself, I just am not feeling super passionate about anything right now. I feel happy though, which is a good thing.

Fresh Start

Tomorrow I start my new job, and I’m honestly pretty excited. This week I will have a couple days where I’ll have extra time for myself before work and then I’m off on Friday which happens to be my birthday! I’m having a few good friends over on Saturday after work (I’ll work 8-2pm) to celebrate and I’m looking forward to it!

I just ordered some balloons and decorations off of amazon because I just feel like being a little extra this time, I am turning 25 and we haven’t been able to really party at all this year so I want to make it fun! I’m ready to just let loose and celebrate fresh starts with my close friends.

Today has been a nice day spent with the love of my life. We had a personal training session together this morning which was great! We spent the rest of the day just hanging around the house- we even took a nap together. I can already tell this is going to be a great week- I’m willing it into existence now (hopefully LOL). I hope everyone else has a wonderful week!

Monday post

I didn’t post yesterday, but it was an overall decent day. I went to breakfast with my mom, aunt and uncle and went over to meet my aunt’s new kittens! After that I went back home and did an at-home workout and spent most of the rest of the day with my boyfriend.

I start my new job next Monday and I am honestly pretty excited! I will have more mornings to myself which I plan to dedicate to working out and practicing self-care. I will have more time for myself overall and I need to take care of my overall health.

Fresh starts are always a little nerve-wracking, but at least at this time I am not feeling very nervous. I feel relieved knowing I am stepping into an organized environment and it is properly staffed so I shouldn’t have 8 million things on my plate at every given moment. Even if I do, there are set procedures in place and an office manager that has been there for over ten years who should be able to help if I need it.

My last day at my current job is this Thursday, unless of course I get angry and leave sooner. My boss is really pushing me and I know she’s doing it on purpose, but I want to help the other staff as much as I can while I’m still here. She can keep sending me home early and giving me the silent treatment, I only have a couple more days to deal with it anyways.

Glad it’s over

After several months of puking daily, being extremely stressed, and dealing with emotional abuse..I finally put in my two weeks to my boss yesterday. It didn’t go very great, which was expected, but I was a little shocked at how unprofessional she was. However, at the same time this is exactly why I’m leaving.

Quitting this job was a very tough decision for me to make, especially because I am very good at putting myself in other people’s shoes and I know how much I do for the office. But I’ve been throwing up every morning before work for several months, and my anxiety is completely out of control. Whenever I talk to my therapist (which I am super excited to talk to her next Friday) we always talk about how toxic she is and my work environment is and how many hours I spend there. I’ve been so depressed lately and I can’t handle her constant outbursts.

When I gave her my resignation letter I was obviously nervous and I knew she would be upset, but I had to do it and I waited for everyone else to be out of the office. She told me that she wished I would have told her sooner that I was unhappy (even though she knew I was throwing up because we talked about it more than once). She also said I know she’s losing one of her assistants in August and another is going on maternity leave in October and that it’s going to be impossible to find someone in two weeks (which is hard, but I have to do what’s best for my health).

I told her I had no ill intentions, even though she is literally the reason I’m leaving, and she said that she wouldn’t have paid me all that overtime if I didn’t want it and that she’s just “so nice to everyone” and everyone just screws her over. She is clearly delusional because she is NOT a nice person. She has literally yelled at me on multiple occasions for simply doing my job! I was entering insurance checks at 7:30am because the day before I didn’t have time to do it, and she came over asking to see them before I enter them so I started handing them to her and I let her know I set some aside because she recently came out of network with them and she just snaps and yells “I got the mail! Just let me deal with the mail!!” and stormed off.

Anyways, I also told her that I just need to work on myself and she literally said to me “Yeah, you need to work on yourself because you’re going to be your own worst doom.” I already feel that way and know that I am my own worst enemy, and her saying that to me was completely inappropriate. I am leaving in a professional manner, and two weeks is a courtesy! I’ve been there a little over a year and we have literally had eight people come and go, and before I started she literally had a new front desk person every other month for years! Maybe she should look at the common denominator.

At the end she told me to give her my keys and to “forget about Saturday,” because I was supposed to have to work tomorrow (which I’m glad I don’t have to!) and after I got home she text me that I am already at 39.77 hours for the week so not to come in today. And at work she told one of my coworkers that we (her employees) need to learn how to manage our stress. She is the one who takes out all her stress/issues on us and makes us so anxious! I’m not the only one who has thrown up at work because of anxiety! She also told my other coworker that she didn’t understand why I’m leaving because she was never bad to me.

She is clearly not very aware of her actions and how she comes across, or she’s very much in denial, but either way she needs to do some self-reflecting and this is not my issue to deal with. I have my own life and my own health to worry about. Putting in my notice and dealing with her reaction was probably one of the most stressful times in my life, and I am just glad it’s over.