On Friday I had an appointment with a psychiatrist that my therapist referred me to, and after an hour long discussion of me quickly describing my life childhood to now and explaining how I’ve felt on all of my previous and current medications he prescribed Cymbalta. I am to wean off my Buspar for the next couple weeks while starting the new one which I just started yesterday.
I am more hopeful with this medication; now that I’ve tried a few others and was able to self-reflect and then inform an educated physician about my experiences I feel like there’s more of a chance of success compared to when I first started with medications. I remember seeing a psychiatrist for the first time and talking to her for 20 minutes about how I was feeling and she put me on Zoloft right away. And when I wanted to come off of it after almost nine months she told me I needed to stay on it for a year. Well I didn’t listen and took myself off of it and stayed away from medications for a while.
When I started having almost daily panic attacks and chest pains I decided to see my primary care and was prescribed Lexapro which I had a weird delayed allergic reaction to and then was switched to Prozac. I felt like that was helpful for a while until we increased the dose and I felt like things were getting worse (I had lots of racing thoughts which didn’t help my anxiety at all), and I realized that I had been having side effects that I didn’t like the entire time I was on prozac, they just weren’t as severe as when we increased the dose.
When I explained that to the primary care doctor I was switched to an anxiety only (rather than an antidepressant) medication called Buspar which is what I am now currently weaning off of. This medication I honestly feel like it hasn’t done anything. I felt reassured when I saw this new doctor on Friday and he told me that many colleagues of his rarely saw good results for anxiety patients that medication.
Overall I am hopeful as I previously stated-lately I’ve been so down and unmotivated to do anything which is really bumming me out. I know I should just try faking it until I make it but I just feel so tired all the time. Hopefully I won’t be feeling this way much longer.
When I started this blog, my intention was to work on myself and learn how to love myself and hopefully help others along the way. Instead I feel like it’s been me battling my anxiety and depression and just journaling about life, but honestly I think it’s an important part of the journey.
Lately I have been hard on myself per usual and I’ve been toying with the idea of leaving my job which always brings tons of feelings of guilt and anxiety. I just have to remind myself that I need to care about my mental health and sanity, and also my therapist reminds me at every session how toxic and chaotic my work environment is and I just work work work work work all the time.
It has always been difficult for me to leave jobs. I get very attached to people, and I also know how much of a benefit I am in my positions and that it won’t be great for them. But again, that is not my problem, as I am my own person and am responsible for myself.
I do keep getting a guilty feeling when I think about having to tell my boss I’m leaving (even though I literally haven’t even interviewed anywhere) because I think she’s going to be caught off guard. The problem with me is I tend to internalize issues and also I tend not to disrespect authority/my boss even when she’s being disrespectful to me – so I don’t think she even realizes how much anxiety she’s caused me and that I’m burnt out.
I could have a conversation with her, but even so she has these insane mood swings and is literally emotionally abusive to her staff and although I can sympathize with the fact that she has a lot going on and the world is shit right now, it doesn’t make it right. Other people who have been there for much longer have said that she’s getting bad like she used to be, and that she does this and doesn’t change. People do get stuck in their ways and it is what it is.
I’ll pick and choose my battles, I don’t have any just yet in regards to leaving my job or anything like that. It’s just something I’ve been thinking about and arguing about in my head and it’s exhausting me and I just wish things were easier.
I feel exhausted all the time, and I look it too. I feel like my under eye bags have been darker than usual. When I get off work all I want to do is lay in bed and watch mindless TV, and making plans to do something other than that seems too tiring. I have no motivation to do anything and feel no desire to leave my bed- normally I’d be on a walk right now enjoying the sun. Summer is typically my prime time and I’m hoping this is just a minor “funk” that’ll be over soon.
I didn’t write on Sunday, and I’ve been beating myself up about it, but I can’t even do that because that was a very busy day. I was going to write yesterday, but after work I was too tired and drained. The world is so sad and dark right now and it’s hurting my soul. I just feel heavy and tired and always on the verge of tears.
I know I need to write about it, I just feel like there’s too much to say. My thoughts are always racing and jumbled and there’s so much going on and I feel so overwhelmed by my own brain. I had to delete my facebook and twitter (other than it sharing my blog post and stream automatically) for my own sanity, and I don’t plan on going back anytime soon. Constantly reading and soaking in all the negativity is seriously hurting my mental health, so I stopped.
A thought that continues to come into my head is that I am just grateful that I do not have children right now. On the phone the other day my mom apologized to me that I have to live in this shit world and that she always said she didn’t want kids for this reason. I reassured her that I’m okay, because I am; I can handle anything, it’s just hard right now.
I will admit I am scared. I’m scared of the state of this country as we watch it divide. It hurts me deeply to see other people have such lack of empathy for other human lives- and it can be for something as simple as having a different opinion. If people focused less on violence and hatred of those with opposing views, and focused on coming together, finding common ground, and working towards solutions I feel that we’d be in a much better world. I haven’t prayed in years… but I might just pray for that tonight.
Honestly this weekend is making me a bit upset when I think about how I’m not out having a huge BBQ with friends or family and/or not going to the dells… I just want life to be normal again. I don’t like complaining but I also am very much tired of all of this.
Today I streamed on my Twitch channel because that’s something I decided to start doing. It’s interesting, I am trying to figure out more things to do on the stream so if anyone has suggestions just let me know! I could just be open about my mental health on there… I’m not sure if Twitch is the place for that though LOL.
I also went on a walk which was both great yet terrible. It’s hot and sunny today, which I love, but also it’s like 90% humidity outside and I was dying. I’m so glad to be inside enjoying the AC right now. I’m going to go shower and get ready for my stream at 6:30 because my boyfriend agreed to try to do my makeup which should be fun! I hope everyone’s enjoying their weekend!
I’m at home in bed as I write this. I went to work this morning but left after a couple hours due to throwing up twice at work (once at home before work). I also threw up yesterday before work. We didn’t even have a busy schedule and I have no reason to be feeling anxious.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I am not motivated anymore. I probably should get back on my antidepressants, but the thought of that makes me more depressed. I don’t want them. I don’t want my anxiety medication either since I feel like it’s not helping.
The rainy weather doesn’t help… neither does the quarantine. I have to keep that in mind and remember this is only temporary. But if I can’t stop puking every day I don’t know what I’m going to do.
I feel like all it does it rain, even though just yesterday I was out out a walk enjoying the sun. I’ve tried to stay motivated today by doing my makeup, and I ended up face-timing with a good friend of mine for a while today, but right now I just feel drained.
I’m tired of quarantine and everyday feeling like the same day over and over again. I’m upset with myself for not getting into healthy habits such as working out like I had planned to do. I know I still can do those things but I honestly don’t feel like it right now.
I don’t even really feel like writing today. I know I should channel this into creativity, but today’s not that day. At least not right now. I will however attach a photo of myself from today since I did do my makeup and felt at least energetic enough to do that. Hope everyone has a good rest of their Sunday.
No matter what, life goes on. Day by day, we are blessed with another morning (until we aren’t) and I am thankful for each day. Today I took a few hours to reorganize a couple spots in the house that really needed it. I also cleaned the bathroom and did the dishes. I always feel better when the house is clean.
I’m thinking about investing in a paddle board for the summer- maybe making it a habit to drive up to Lake Geneva and just find peace on the water. Unfortunately they’re about $450+, but sometimes it’s worth it to spend a bit if it means endless opportunities to get out on the water and escape from reality for a bit.
I kept telling myself that I’d get more fit and exercise more during the quarantine… well I lied to myself. I’m not going to be hard on myself about it because I am working on trying not to “bully” myself. I have had some awesome neck/back pain which has resulted in me doing more yoga so that’s good (kinda)?
Now that the house is nice and clean I’m going to relax and eat something. I think I have a new episode of Insecure to watch so that makes me happy 🙂 I hope everyone has a wonderful Mother’s day.
Today the public pool in the town I live in announced that they would not be opening this season… and honestly I am extremely upset by this. Pools have always been a huge part of my summer- I grew up in an apartment complex that had a private pool just for those who lived there and I always spent my summers enjoying the water and getting a nice tan.
Summer is the only time of year that I feel at my very best. I feel like in the summer is when I feel most energized and motivated. I am most definitely happiest during the summer months compared to the rest of the year. I just feel like summer is being taken away and I just don’t know how well I can’t handle it.
Part of me feels like an ungrateful brat when I’m typing this, but at the same time I am just expressing how I feel at this time. I am very much aware that I have plenty in life to be thankful for, and I am not taking those things for granted. I thank my boyfriend every day for loving and caring for me the way he does, and I appreciate all that he does. I am also blessed to have a job and be able to pay my bills at this time.
At this point I feel very done with things. I am tired of quarantine and lockdowns. I am very much ready to just grab a flight to somewhere with a beach or some mountains and take a weeknd to myself away from all of this. I do care about people and understand that people have died from this virus; I also am aware that I am healthy, I wear my mask in public and keep safe distance from people, and I carry mini hand sanitizers with me everywhere. I’m taking proper precautions and do not feel I am putting anyone in danger by doing so.
We will see what happens- I am just feeling really down and stressed lately. I feel like my brain is overwhelmed and I am forgetting how to function… like I feel like I am constantly forgetting things and zoning out. I feel like I am more clumsy than normal and haven’t been thinking as clearly as I usually am. It just sucks right now.
I’ve been really stressed out lately and in turn I am disappointed and angry at myself for the way I’ve been reacting to certain situations and the mindset I’ve been in. As if being in lockdown isn’t stressful enough, I am still stressed at work; then I feel like I can’t/shouldn’t even complain about it because I am also blessed to be working and should be thankful that I can still pay my bills (and I very much am).
Work is stressful because everyone is on edge as it is, and my boss keeps leaving to Hawaii because she can’t see patients during this time. I am trying to get the office cleaned up, however I also need certain things from her and she keeps getting mad about certain things, which some are justified, but also were outside of my control considering there are issues from years ago when I was not working there. I also feel like us communicating mainly via text might be throwing me off a bit because you can’t read tone through text and I may be taking things the wrong way.
As I’ve explained before, I am very critical of myself. Even if someone thinks I am doing a great job, I still will find a way to feel like I’m failing, rather than talking myself up and reminding myself of how far I’ve come considering the situation I’m in. Things may not even be as bad as I think they are, but I always seem to find a way to worry about everything and doubt myself. I need to get out of this mindset, and when my therapist and I talked on Friday she said I need to pay attention to how much I am bullying myself- so good thing I’m jotting this down.
I keep worrying that even if I were to leave this job (which I am not about to do, especially in the current state or the world), that no matter where I go I will get into this cycle of being a perfectionist and people-pleaser and will always end up feeling like I failed in some way. I know I shouldn’t be thinking like this, and this is when I get mad at myself. Why do I keep being so negative? Why can’t I just care less and stop worrying and focus on the good things? Why do I have to have this same conversation in my head over and over and over again?
Maybe one day it’ll end- until then I will continue this exhausting cycle in my head.