goals

Proud of Me

I wanted to take a second to pat myself on the back. I spoke up about something that was bothering me at work and felt a huge relief once it was done. I don’t want to go too much into detail as there’s definitely elements that I am still irritated with, however I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of me. I feel like this was a big step forward in my healing and me recognizing when enough is enough and listening to my body/intuition.

After been super stressed over the past week, I was happy I had some time this weekend to spend with friends, but also with myself. This morning I was up pretty early and I decided to get caught up on the free “Take Control” training that Mel Robbins released a couple weeks ago. I finished the training and felt energized and better than I had felt all week. I even decided to use my extra time alone to do a little dumbbell arm workout and a meditation! It’s nice to remind myself how good it feels to take care of me.

As we stroll into May, I want to prioritize seeking joy in every day life, and also being true to myself. I am finally feeling like I can be more vocal, especially since I know what my intentions are. I do myself a disservice by not speaking up when I feel disrespected or uncomfortable, and I don’t deserve that anymore. Reflecting on the amount of relief I felt when I finally talked to my boss last week, it made me realize it never had to go on this long. Instead of beating myself up for that, I am just going to remember that going forward. I don’t deserve to suffer in order to keep others comfortable, my job is to keep myself safe.

Enjoying Each Season

On holidays sometimes I find myself thinking about the future; I think about my boyfriend being my husband, and us having children who see the world as a magical place. I think about the traditions we will have and how I intend for my children to look forward to seeing family and celebrating together. As much as I am excited for those days, I still am very grateful for this slow season in life.

Right now I get to live my life; In any moment I can decide to leave the house to go shopping, or grab coffee, and it’s easy. I can book dinner dates with friends without a second thought, hell I can even book trips as long as the bills are paid! I don’t want to focus so much on what I have to look forward to, and miss out on these moments that I will crave one day.

My boyfriend and I got to enjoy a nice breakfast out this morning, and now he is enjoying a nap as I write this. I am listening to some music, watching the cats sunbathe by the sliding glass door, and just enjoying this day and this present moment. I am so grateful to live this life, and I feel blessed to have gotten to a place where I feel comfort in the peace.

In the past when I had free-time, or any moments of boredom, I would feel anxious. I would feel like I needed to get up and start doing chores or leave the house and just make sure I wasn’t just sitting around. Now I can look at these moments and embrace them. I no longer feel the need to run around and get things done, instead I understand that rest and spending time with myself is where a lot of the healing comes from, and it is necessary.

When I find time alone, I have been trying to scroll less, and instead actually take time to do something that brings me joy. I’m not going to lie, sometimes jamming to music and cleaning does feel quite invigorating, but I have found other ways to spend my time as well. One example is the writing I am doing right now! I enjoy getting in touch with my thoughts and getting them out, as well as remembering the progress I’ve made and celebrating myself.

As it gets warmer out, I am excited to get back outside and doing my regular walks, which I am going to go on one here soon. I usually will listen to a podcast of some sort, but this year I also want to take walks where I am just listening to the sounds around me. I know that can be very grounding and honestly I am sure that is somewhat of a meditative experience as well- guess I will have to find out!

Either way, I am enjoying this period of my life. I always feel that it is important to realize how blessed we truly are, and I love taking time for gratitude, because I truly am living a great life. I get to wake up to the love of my life every day in a warm bed, hearing the sounds of loud cat meows and the pitter patter of their paws. Truly, I am living the life I once dreamed about, and as much as I am excited for our future endeavors of marriage and parenting, I am incredibly grateful for the life we have today. I enjoy the times we can just lay in bed and cuddle, I enjoy our breakfast dates, I enjoy when we get to travel together, and I enjoy living each moment. Thank you.

“Where focus goes, energy flows.”

I absolutely love when I awake in the morning and the sun is blaring in my eyes as our curtains hang just an inch too high above the window sill. I know that probably sounds like sarcasm, but just knowing that the sun is out and seeing how bright it is truly brings a sense of childlike joy to my heart. I’m not going to lie, I felt very exhausted waking up today, but that sunshine definitely brought some motivation.

Last month I spent time doing things I love; I went to a couple of concerts and I prioritized spending time with friends. I still battle with feeling drained after being out and hanging with people, but as long as I take time to be with myself and my thoughts afterwards, I typically end up replenishing that social battery. I absolutely love having conversations with people and just seeing how small the world is and how such different humans can still connect with each other. I truly believe that the art of listening and learning could have a profound impact in this world, which is why I am ready to get serious about my goals.

I keep talking about starting a podcast, but not making any efforts towards achieving that goal. I have most of the equipment that I need, I have endless resources at my fingertips (Google, YouTube, etc.), I have a bunch of scrambled ideas in my head, yet I haven’t put anything to paper… until yesterday! I finally did some bullet points and episode ideas and have been thinking about how to record and that I’d want to make other content out of my episodes. I have other ideas that I don’t want to go too much into detail on just yet, but I am starting to look at the resources I have and have decided I need to stop wasting time.

Last May I connected with a woman on a girls trip with one of my high school best friends, and she recently started a podcast of her own! On her podcast she is incredibly open about sharing her story and diving into her traumas, and she is creating a community of people who are healing together and growing together, which is honestly what I am wanting to do as well! Leading up to me seeing her announce her podcast, I had been getting some interactions with podcasters that I listen to on Instagram, such as Mel Robbins sharing my Instagram story to hers, and even getting a reply back from Jay Shetty in the comments!

Honestly, I had been asking for signs of what I should be putting my efforts towards and focusing on, and I kept receiving signs but still not putting in any effort. I knew that when I got these notifications of these well-known podcasters that I was supposed to explore this idea and see if this dream is what I really want to pursue. Recently I was able to reconnect with that woman from the girls trip on Instagram, and she actually invited me to be on her podcast! We chatted on the phone for a bit and she is going to send me some more information so we can get ready to record at the end of this week!

I was honestly honored that she wanted me to to be on her show, and I literally look at this as not even a sign, but as if the universe just put everything right in front of me and has made the opportunity so apparent and available. This is going to be a good test for me to see how I enjoy it and learn from her, and I am honestly just so grateful for this opportunity. Like Tony Robbins said: “Where focus goes, energy flows.” I want to make sure I am taking time to prioritize myself and my hobbies, especially while I am in this season of my life where I have the time and freedom to do so. I am excited for this next chapter, and I am blessed to have such great support around me.

Sending love to all! Have a great Sunday and week ahead. ♡

First Monday of 2022: Complete

Happy 2023! Yesterday was 1/1/23 and I was blessed enough to be able to spend time with some family. My aunt and her friend made it back from from Thailand yesterday and we got to see her before she drove back to Iowa which was nice. Soon enough we will all be going out there for our Family Christmas and I’m looking forward to seeing my Grandma and the rest of the family.

Other than that I pretty much laid low yesterday. My boyfriend and I re-did our budget for the new year and I took some time to journal a bit. My coworker started listening to Gabby Bernstein and joined her 21 day manifesting challenge, and she shared the PDF with me with the journal prompts for each day. Yesterday I created my “desire statement,” and I am excited to see what todays prompt brings.

As far as manifesting goes, I know it’s all the work you put in. You cannot wish for things to happen and they happen, you cannot control things beyond your control, but although it isn’t magic, to some it can feel like it is. I definitely love feeling the “magic” of the world… and ironically it happened as I was writing this.

If I’m going to be completely honest, I started writing this blog post on the toilet this morning (LOL, sorry for the TMI). Once I was done I washed my hands and I went into my bedroom. I started doing yoga and as I was breathing, all I could smell was the cat litter. So I decided to get up and clean that, and then I took out the garbage, and when I came back to my phone I decided to check my email. It was 9:14am and my email was from Gabby Bernstein and it said “Dear Gabby Live 10:15am EST.” I’m like OH SHIT ONE MINUTE!!! and quickly grabbed my laptop and jumped on zoom.

I have only ever been in one other “Dear Gabby Podcast” Zoom, and I am so grateful that I was able to do it again. Ironically enough it’s something that I have been reflecting about over the past couple of days as I was looking at the positive parts of 2022. Today I was just in there to listen, I didn’t raise my hand to try to get picked to ask anything, I just decided to be grateful for the experience and listen to the others call in and listen to Gabby’s insight.

When she is recording these, it is for future episodes and it’s fun to see the behind-the-scenes of her podcast. She will re-record certain parts and do different exits for a show and it’s fun to see the time and effort that goes into making a project seem so perfect and effortless. It also reminded me that perfection isn’t real, and it’s completely normal to “mess up.”

I feel like I already knew that, but I needed just a little push or refresher because I feel like I still strive for perfection, which is stopping me from starting anything new. I also feel like I have so many different ideas and things I want to try, but I can’t decide on which to focus on. After listening to one of the shows that was being recorded, it was brought up to focus on the one bringing the most joy.

When I started the manifesting challenge, my goal is to manifest a healthier lifestyle for myself. I have been on a healing/self-love journey for years now, but I know that deep down I need to have my mind and body in alignment, and I always feel better when I take care of myself. From what I’ve been listening to on the self-help podcast, it actually helps you rebuild your sense of trust with yourself when you do what you say you’re going to do. I have always felt a distrust towards myself, and that’s likely because I don’t always follow through with my self-care, but the thought of truly being able to be disciplined for the sake of self-love brings me so much joy.

I used to want to be fit and/or skinny so that I didn’t feel insecure out in crowds or on social media, but I didn’t actually care about my health at that time. As I am growing older, I am realizing that good health, both physical and mental, is the true wealth. If I know that and I truly do care about myself, I deserve to give myself that healthier life. I deserve to move my body and fuel it with the foods it needs. I also deserve to not restrict myself or shame myself for eating the cookies that I am baking right now.

I am excited to continue on this journey of self love and discovery, and I am happy to be taking it one day at a time. I want to continue working on being present and mindful, and learning to love myself unconditionally.

Tuesday Groove

Although I’m back to work after a long weekend, tired as hell with my back pain coming back slightly, I still am having a good day! I’m currently on lunch at work and although I didn’t do all that I wanted to this morning, I still did two of the things on my am list: practiced gratitude and set an intention for the day.

Todays intention was simply to be mindful and grateful. I want to be mindful of my words/my responses, and I want to be grateful for everything. When I set the intention I also told myself that if I find points of frustration or irritability, I should take a moment to reflect on something good that is happening in the situation.

Yesterday I spent a little time and money on myself and went shopping after my chiropractor appointment. I’m excited to say that I purchased the “How To Meet Yourself” workbook by Dr. Nicole Lepera (aka The Holistic Psychologist) and I am ready to start off the new year on the right foot! Honestly I already started it, but I am already starting my 2023 goals now. I also ordered another self-help workbook by Vex King & Kaushal and am so excited for that one to arrive as well!

I am feeling really good about this upcoming year, and really just about life right now. I am happy in my relationship and in our home, I’m happy with my friendships, I am happy with the progress I’ve made in relation to my health/mental health- overall I am just feeling happy! Gratitude really does change the attitude, and I love adding that practice into my mornings.

I don’t really make New Year’s resolutions anymore as most people don’t stick with them, but I do know I want to just continue to focus on my health/mental health and do more of the things I love. Concerts, hiking, singing, writing, dancing… all of the things that bring my inner child joy will be done regularly in 2023! I’m finding my inner confidence and becoming the best version of myself, because I deserve that.

Wishing everyone a peaceful remainder of 2022 and a good transition into 2023. Sending so much love and light to all struggling with loss, financial troubles, health troubles, heartbreak, stress, family issues- as hard as it may be to remember during these tough times, it is always dark before the dawn.

2022 Progress Report: Proud and Grateful

As the year slowly comes to a close, I am looking forward to continue my healing into 2023. I have learned so much about myself over this year, and I am honestly very proud of my growth. I think back to when my mother had her stroke in February, and how instead of sitting and worrying about if or when she would have another one, I instead turned to gratitude. I was grateful that she is still here, and she can function normally and on her own; she is truly blessed, and I feel the same way. If this were to have happened a few years ago, I would have spiraled for probably months, just riddled with anxiety. I am proud of the fact that I find it easier to turn to gratitude during tough times.

I also am grateful that I am getting better at communicating when I am bothered by something. A few months ago, I was able to have a conversation with a close friend about something that I felt like could have been confrontational or maybe even hurtful. Although I was anxious about it, I was able to clearly communicate my intentions and thoughts, and because she is a good friend, I felt heard and understood during that conversation! I am proud that instead of just being quiet about it and building up resentment, I decided to speak up for myself and discuss my feelings. As someone who has avoided conflict and kept quiet her whole life, that one single act felt like it broke a huge barrier for me, and for that I am proud of myself.

Throughout the year I’ve struggled with judgment; truly it’s been me judging myself for judging others, and then realizing that those judgments I had towards others were actually the judgments I had towards myself. I had read about that in a book, and I’ve also heard it on podcasts before, but it really clicked this year. Although there have been a lot of hard truths to swallow, it has also been calming in a way to release that urge to control or “rescue” others. In reality, I only have the power to control or “rescue” myself, and that is what I will continue to focus on.

I am so grateful to have access to therapy and to have found such amazing podcasts that I enjoy listening to. I also am happy that I started reading more books again this year, and I plan to read even more in 2023. I plan to dedicate time to myself each day, even if only for one minute on some days, because I deserve that love and attention from myself. I plan to be authentic and honest and speak up for myself whenever needed, and I plan to be unapologetic about setting healthy boundaries. I am planning to be less busy and live calmer and slower; after living with a dysregulated nervous system for most of my life, I want to do my absolute best to try to regulate it.

2023: More connecting with nature, less connecting with technology. More reading books, less scrolling through Instagram. More time doing what I love, less wasting time doing things that don’t align with me. More pausing and slowing down, less rushing and stressing. More focusing on my values and goals, less judging and doubting myself. I am doing only what I feel is best for me, and I won’t feel guilty about it.

Intentions

Today marks a new moon which is a perfect time to get re-aligned and re-focused on intentions. I will be writing mine for the month here in this post. Feel free to comment your own or even make your own post about it! I find it important to check in with myself and make sure I am focusing on what I really want in life and making progress towards my goals; with that being said, here are my intentions:

-I want to be intentional with my words. Less over-sharing, and more coming from an authentic, honest place. I will no longer silence myself when something is bothering me, rather I will pause to reflect, and then do my best to communicate my feelings and set boundaries.

-I want make healthier choices when it comes to food. I know I don’t do well with strict diets, nor is that something I want to do, but in general I want to pause before I make decisions about food and make sure I am checking in with myself on if that is something I truly want to eat. Granted, I know my taste buds have strong arguments, but I also know gut health is linked to mental health, and I am trying to feel healthy overall.

-I want to write more on The Unsealed and continue building my writing Instagram. I know I have been writing more, but I want to get more consistent and stay focused on the goal: future author. I know this will be a rough project, going through pulling out old memories and old traumas, but I believe the whole writing process will be not only healing for me, but I hope it helps the reader feel less alone and more empowered.

Eleven Years

Today marks 11 years since my boyfriend asked me to be his girlfriend, and it’s honestly insane to me to think about how we were only 16 when we started our relationship. We have truly grown together and grown stronger through all of the years, and I am so excited to see what our long future ahead holds! As he sleeps next to me, I want to take time to write a few key things I am grateful for in this relationship, that I feel could help benefit others! I could probably write a whole book about it, and maybe I will one day, but for now I hope you enjoy.

1. Patience. My boyfriend is probably the most patient man in the world; and if not, I can say he is definitely the most patient person in my world. I am so blessed to have someone who has taken the time to get to truly know me, and hasn’t been pushy or aggressive in any way. He was so helpful when I was going through starting therapy and different medications to help with my anxiety, and he was always understanding and helpful. Over the years, I have been able to improve my patience and I feel like he is a big part of that. I used to freak out over small things, like if I asked him to put the dishes away and if he didn’t do it within like 30 seconds I’d be pissed. Over time, with his help and my therapist, I realized a lot of this anger stemmed from my control issues and even though I’d feel like things needed to be done ASAP, the truth was I’d survive if it was done a few hours from then, or even the next day. I definitely annoyed the shit out of him for the longest, and was even annoyed by him for it too, but with time and patience we have been able to get through everything. I know life will continue to test our patience, but I just know we will be able to get through anything. When the time comes, I know he will be the best father to our future children, and because of him I also feel I’ll be a more patient mother.

2. Communication. In the beginning of our relationship, communicating wasn’t easy. We were both sixteen, this was my first high school relationship, and I was a very insecure, anxious girl. We definitely had our struggles- I would avoid any conflict/confrontation so if anything ever upset me I’d just hold it in to avoid a fight, but once we had any disagreement then everything I was ever mad about would come out and I would explode! He was always so confused and would ask why I didn’t tell him at the time I was bothered, and that came back to me avoiding fights (clearly not working LOL). We came up with a plan to regularly check in with each other when we were both in a good headspace and talk about anything that bothered us. This practice helped us so much and although we have grown together and have developed much better communication skills, it’s still nice to do every once in a while!

3. Honesty. This is key in any relationship, but I find that most people do struggle with this even in adult life. From the beginning of our relationship, we developed a good sense of trust. Of course as teenagers we are young and don’t know much about the world or relationships yet, and there were definitely things we had to work through, but overall the honesty and transparency is something I am so grateful for today. Even in high school, we were never the couples that had each other’s facebook logins or went through each others phones, and we still don’t do that as of today. I remember hearing how common it was so have couples share passwords and even then we thought it was so stupid; if you don’t have that trust, then don’t be together. People deserve their own lives and privacy, and just because someone did you wrong in the past, doesn’t mean this whole different human would do the same. That’s where communication comes back in, but I truly believe honesty and trust are a key foundation for any relationship.

4. Respect. Now this one is also a huge one to me, probably because I grew up observing relationships that didn’t have this. My boyfriend and I both have respect for each other, and in our relationship it comes out in our love and adoration for each other. Throughout the past 11 years, we have never called each other any names, we do not yell or swear at each other in fights, and we honestly just treat each other how we want to be treated. I have so much respect for him, I could never really talk down on him or talk to him that way, and I know he’d never treat me that way either. We both want a loving, healthy relationship so that’s what we work for!

There are so many more qualities of our relationship that I am grateful for, but he is awake and we are heading home, so I’m going to end this here. I wish you all well and a Sunday full of love!

An Off Day

Today just felt off, and honestly yesterday did too. I’m trying to be positive and remind myself that I’m allowed to rest and take breaks, but it’s not always easy. Today it’s 100 degrees outside and I started not feeling the greatest towards the end of my shift, so I ended up skipping the gym. I’ve been sleeping a lot more these past couple of days and I need to listen to my body.

I can’t help but feel guilty about it, and I’m trying to figure out why. Why am I so hard on myself? Is it because going to the gym is within my control and I’m not doing it? I already told myself that I’m going to the gym to feel better and be healthier, getting obsessive over it is not healthy! Honestly though, I’m stressed about life shit too.

We recently got a letter from our lovely homeowners association and they’re requiring some expensive work to be done. It’s annoying and honestly would never recommend anyone to live where there is an HOA. At a time where inflation is ridiculous, we’d rather not spend thousands of dollars on stuff that isn’t really that important (to us, but to them it’s not cosmetically pleasing), but we unfortunately don’t have that choice right now. I think the anxiety is coming from the fact that we don’t know what the pricing looks like yet, and I always have anxiety around money.

I am trying to remind myself that money comes and goes, and luckily my boyfriend and I are both working and are able to pay all of our bills. We truly are blessed and I am grateful for this every single day; I just need to keep reminding myself to turn to gratitude.

It’s not a bad life, it’s just a rough couple of days. I always come out of it and I will do the same this time. Day by day, I will learn to give myself grace, and I will learn how to be patient with myself. This is all part of the journey.

Weekend Note

I didn’t feel like writing yesterday, but I did write a note in my phone trying to dissect myself this weekend, so I’ll post that below! I hope everyone has a good week ahead!

______________________________________________

why do i doubt myself?

is it hearing it from the man I was supposed to grow up admiring? is it because I became a people pleaser at the expense of my own authenticity so I don’t trust myself enough? I don’t think I’m strong enough because I’ve felt weak for so long? I feel like my brain is broken, so how could I make the right decisions? I was so sheltered & felt so stupid, but the one thing I knew was money. I knew it & I blew it- but that’s not entirely true. I re-prioritized & got used to living a certain lifestyle. I drive a nice car, I get my nails done sometimes (less often than before), and I feed my iced coffee addition. These are things that make me happy, and having a reliable car is also a must. But I feel like because I don’t save as much anymore, and I “spend money on stupid stuff,” I’m a failure, so therefore a reason to doubt myself. I often feel guilty and get mad at myself after I go spend money on nails or food, I’m like why am I wasting money? How could I keep doing this? But I feel like I’m in a test with money, and I am working to win this battle. I will win.