Not having a great time

I’m still having issues with my health; random nausea and this morning I was having random sharp cramping. I can’t remember if I said but mother nature finally made her appearance 13 days late, which was a relief in a way, but also it’s sounding like my next step might be a GI doctor.

I have a follow up appointment on Monday at 8am, but it has to be Telehealth since I’ve been vomiting (even with my negative covid test). I feel like they’re just going to tell me go to the GI doctor; honestly I do have a fear of being diagnosed with Crohn’s disease. But I do need to take care of myself, so I will listen to what the doctor says on Monday.

I’ve been having a rough mental health day/week. Today I was bawling my eyes out in the car with my boyfriend because I feel like I’m constantly ruining everyone’s plans. My best friend got married yesterday and the plan was for everyone to go to the bar after the dinner, and unfortunately I felt like garbage after dinner and a couple drinks so I went home after dinner.

I felt terrible about that and then I also ruined planed with another friend today. She was supposed to come over with a couple other people for wedding crafts, and I forgot that my boyfriend wanted to go see a car that was an hour away from home, which messed up the plans. Then we also forgot that we had an appointment at 2pm for someone to come out and measure for our windows to be replaced, but luckily we made it back in time.

The other thing was my boyfriend had an appointment to see that car at 12pm, and his brother stayed over last night and we wanted breakfast this morning. When we went to breakfast it took a little longer than normal because it was busy, and then we were late to the 12pm by almost an hour. When we got there, we were told they just sold that car five minutes prior. So then I felt even more like shit.

I just haven’t been myself and I’ve been super stressed and I feel like I’ve been holding a lot in that I just need to let out. I’m so annoyed and frustrated with myself, but my boyfriend was saying how he gets so upset when I’m so hard on myself and how he wasn’t even upset with me or anything. I just have been completely out of it lately with everything going on with my health too.

Anyways, I’m just so exhausted and I’m really needing to just push through this shit. Tomorrow is going to be sunny and 60 degrees, so I need to make sure I go on a walk. I also am going to grocery shop and get some healthy options, as I need to start treating my body better. I’m excited to spend the rest of the day just relaxing and spending time with my boyfriend. I’m ready to start feeling better and feeling more like myself.

November

As we get closer and closer to the end of the year, I can’t help but realize all the stuff I didn’t do and could have been doing during the quarantine periods. Then again, I was lucky enough to be able to continue working full-time so it’s not like I magically had more time on my hands rather than the lack of social life.

I am not going to use this time to sulk and think about what I could have done, instead I want to focus on what I can do now and what I want to work on. As I had said in my last post I am thinking about investing in a cricut and dedicating time to crafts and projects. Ideally I would like to be able to eventually profit off of the products I make, but at the same time I am just looking forward to being able to make friends and family personalized gifts.

I don’t want to get too overwhelmed with everything so I am trying to plan out what I can and I’ve been writing notes with ideas of what I want to do; if I can keep organized that will make this much easier overall, plus I always feel better when things are in some sort of order.

I’m working hard to focus on me and what I can do for present and future self, and this also includes fitness. I really want to make sure I get to the gym more and/or work out at home more as there’s no excuses with the time that we have. I want to be more toned and fit and the only way to improve that is to start working on it.

On that note I’m gonna get myself out of this bed and I’m going to do some stretching before I head off to work.

Another day

Happy Monday! I am writing this from the break room at work as I was very busy yesterday and was too exhausted to post last night. This morning I was organizing ordering the bridesmaids dresses for my friends wedding in March as I am maid of honor, so that is why I didn’t post this morning.

Life has been busy which is good. I’m finally getting my car fixed after it was hit in July, so I’m driving around a 2020 Nissan Altima as my rental car for now. It’s a nice car but I definitely prefer my 2020 Sonata, which I should have back this week! My friend visited from WI this weekend and we went out to the bar which was nice and normal feeling.

Yesterday my friend had a “drive-by” baby shower as times are weird, but honestly I prefer those for baby showers because then you don’t have to sit there for hours watching them open all the gifts LOL. I feel like even when all this is over I’d prefer to do a drive-by baby shower in the future.

Speaking of which, my boyfriend and I revisited our plans/goals and we are going to try to start having children in a couple of years. We do still want to be married first, and we are currently not engaged, but our wedding plan is to elope in Aruba and we’ve already looked into a lot of it, so we are thinking the planning shouldn’t be too bad.

For the next couple years I plan to continue to work on my mental health. I am planning to wean off of my Cymbalta come Spring as I don’t want to risk coming off right into the winter months, but I’d like to not be on any prescriptions during pregnancy even if they are deemed to be “safe.” I’m still practicing the art of calmness and patience, and I know I will be doing that for the rest of my life, but I want to really dive into that over the next couple years to help prepare for motherhood.

Any tips/tricks/advice would be helpful! I love yoga but have been lacking at practicing, and I want to try meditation again as I feel like I’m at a better place now mentally that I was when I tried it before. I will keep you posted on that!

Now.

I need to start living for the moment. I can feel myself letting my anxiety take over as I obsess over the future and things I have no control over. What is the point of torturing myself? The worst part right now is that my dreams are so realistic and they’re just all anxious/stressful dreams. Even when I’m trying to relax and sleep, I can’t get peace of mind.

I feel like I’ve been distant and selfish lately, but I also don’t even care. As bad as that might sound, I can’t handle anyone else’s shit right now (I’m barely hanging on dealing with my own shit). I also know I’m being hard on myself, but I can’t seem to stop my self-doubt from sneaking into all of my thoughts.

Today my boyfriend and I went out for coffee and this cute place in our town. I got a Gingerbread White Chocolate Latte and he had an Americano with cream and sugar. I told him that I was stating to feel like maybe I am a bad friend or I don’t show enough effort, but he reminded me that I don’t ever need to feel guilty for not doing something that I don’t want to do.

On our coffee date we started talking about our next home being our forever home, even if that means staying in our current townhome for several more years. We want to make sure that the next house is as close to dream house as it gets. I always enjoy planning our future together, but I also need to remember to live for now and enjoy our lives as they are currently.

Speaking of which we’re going to spend some time together now. I’m going to try hard to make this next week the best one of 2020 yet, which honestly shouldn’t be too hard to do.

Our thing.

My boyfriend and I have been together for over eight years now, and I absolutely love him and our life together. I feel that our relationship is much different than other people’s relationships nowadays, and I feel very lucky to have him in my life.

My boyfriend and I honestly don’t have a lot of shared interests. For example, he loves working on cars and playing video games, when neither of those things interest me. I like to shop, be outdoors and go places, but he likes to stay home. Although we don’t have many hobbies that we both enjoy, we have both agree on what we want our future to look like.

We know that the home we’re in now is not forever home; we’ve debated on selling this house vs. renting it out once we’re ready to move to the next home. We know what we want in the next house and know what we will and won’t settle for. We know where we went to live and how much we’re willing to spend.

My boyfriend and I also know that we do not want kids until after we’re married. We will be getting married likely in 2021 or 2022, we’re not engaged yet, so depending on when we get engaged will determine what year we get married. We’d like to get married on our anniversary date of October 2nd, and we both would not like to be engaged for much longer than a year (if even that long). We want two children, three maximum.

Today we were at a birthday party for our friends’ one-year-old, and it made me think about how fun it will be when him and I are parents. I started picturing us planning the party and being there with our little baby, and then my mind wandered into thinking about Christmas with our future kids. It got me to thinking that maybe parenting together will be “our thing.” If parenting is looked at as a fun hobby, I feel like that can only have a positive outcome!

Luckily we also both agree on how we will be raising our children. We share the same views on electronics for children and the important of them being outside and socializing with others. We both agree on what’s too far for discipline and what is appropriate. We know we want to raise strong, independent children and we will love them unconditionally and teach them to love themselves. Obviously parenting will not be easy and there’s so such thing as a perfect parent, but if we enjoy raising our children together I feel that can only benefit the whole family.

I’m not ready for children yet, and neither is he. We also agree that 28 is the minimum age that I’d like to be to have a baby. We have a lot to do before we can bring a child into this world; not to mention I’d like to do a bit more traveling before I have to do so with a child with me. For now I will be focusing on myself and practicing different forms of self-care, which I hope will benefit my future.

For right now, him and I are just going to do our own things, and we will both be cheering each other on. I love that we both love and care about each other so much, and even though we have different interests/hobbies we still support each other’s goals and help each other whenever we can. The other thing is we always make sure to let the other person know that they’re appreciated, every single day. Communication and appreciation are very important in any relationship. ♡