Is it what it is

I’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed by life this past week; it has a lot to do with my PMS and lack of sleep, but also just unexpected life stuff. I had a conversation with myself out loud in my car last night trying to get to the root of everything, and I am realizing I still have a lot of guilty feelings and am still very hard on myself.

I have to constantly remind myself that I am allowed to relax and take breaks, and that am a human being who is allowed to have emotions. Life gets stressful, and we don’t have control over much that happens, but I can control how I react and respond to situations. I can also look inward and ask myself questions to try to help myself move forward and understand myself more.

We all have bad days, but that doesn’t mean we have bad lives. Focusing on my blessings and practicing gratitude is what is helping me through these situations, and although it’s a struggle sometimes, I am proud of myself for truly trying to make it a habit to think more positively, no matter the situation. I don’t spiral out of control like I used to, which is progress in and of itself.

I hope everyone else is surviving this week!

Some Stress

Well today was an interesting day to say the least, however I want to start off this post with saying how grateful I am to have such a wonderful man in my life who knows how to help me when I’m having anxiety. I am also blessed that he’s so calm and knows how to fix things (or can learn quickly from youtube), and that we are able to afford to fix things when they break.

This morning our hot water tank went out, so we had to purchase one of those and are going to be installing that here shortly. I did originally start to get upset and irritable because I started having money fears as I usually do. I had no clue how much it would be to fix and I started feeling my brain start spiraling down into how we will just always have more and more expenses coming up.

Luckily I was able to calm down when my boyfriend said he wasn’t worried about it, and I was able to remind myself that we can only take it day by day, and today we need to solve this issue. We were happy to find out that the water tank was on the lower end of the price scale, and if we can install it then we don’t have that expense of labor to pay! We are lucky to live in a time where we have access to instant information at our fingertips.

I was still able to see my mom today for Mother’s Day, which was nice. We were able to go for a walk and I helped her by going with her to the grocery store. Unfortunately she is drinking more alcohol again which of course was not what I wanted to hear, but it is what it is and unfortunately there’s not much I can do. It’s her life, she will do what she wants and I cannot take on any responsibility or feelings of guilt for that. All so can do is wish her well and be grateful for our current time together.

She also shared some other not-so-great family updates with me, so I’d say today was filled with a lot of negative emotion and energy. I have been reminding myself of what I can control and also reminding myself that spending time on negative energy and spending time worrying will not improve my current situation. However, focusing on gratitude and what I can control will help me.

It’s helpful that I feel like I am able to slow down my thoughts now and truly calm down before having outbursts of anger; I can tell I still have work to do, but it’s much more bearable now. I am grateful for the progress I’ve been able to make with my mental health, and I know I can only get better from here!

Growing

As I am growing, I am learning that I need to stop muting myself. What I mean by that is I often won’t say what I’m feeling in fear of hurting others, but in reality I know my intention behind my thoughts and I’m never trying to be malicious at all. People even often tell me how nice I am and how I’m great at talking to people, but I don’t always feel that way with the people closest to me.

I just saw this post that said “Let’s normalize asking questions for clarity, instead of moving based on the story you’ve created in your mind, which may not be true;” I feel like I want that from my friends, but how I can expect that when I don’t do it! I want to start vocalizing when I have questions or thoughts that come up, so that I don’t sit with them and ruin my own inner peace or growth.

For example, one of my good friends recently reached out and asked if she could express something without causing problems/drama, and of course I said yes. The conversation went well and we are good, but now I am the one who is wanting to express my feelings about it and I feel like a scared little kid who is avoiding confrontation.

I know that my feelings are valid and I also know I can express my thoughts without being an asshole, but at the same time I never know how people will react and that is what gives me the anxiety. I would hate to unintentionally make someone upset, but at the same time, I can’t make myself upset by holding in all these feelings/thoughts.

My boyfriend has always been very direct and he’s still very polite and easy to talk to- and I don’t just mean with me, I mean with all our friends and family as well. He always asks questions when he wants clarification because he knows he’s not trying to hurt anyone, he’s just trying to understand; and that’s my goal as well! Talking to him definitely helps, but if anyone else has any tips or tricks, please feel free to comment!

Thursday Thoughts

With the new moon yesterday, I’ve been thinking about new intentions, and I really want to work on non-judgment. I am a very observant person, but this also makes me very judgmental. I find myself judging others for their “bad choices,” when in reality I don’t know what is a “good” or “bad” choice for that person; it just is what it is.

It’s basically like how I am rewiring my angry/negative thoughts to being thankful, I am going to actively start doing that when I find myself being judgmental. I have read about practicing non-judgment before, and I truly wish to master this skill. I know it will take time, and I’ll never be “perfect,” but I feel like a “bad” person when I’m judging others and I don’t like that feeling.

When I find myself being judgmental, I will instead start thinking about why I am grateful for that person or think of a positive way to look at them. I will also remind myself that “it is what it is, and should be,” because everything truly does happen for a reason. Does anyone else have any tips/tricks for this?

Late/Tired

It’s late, but I didn’t want to not write at all. I had a good weekend, seeing friends and enjoying time with my boyfriend. I have been watching trash tv (LOL my guilty pleasure is Are You The One on MTV), and it’s honestly been so relaxing.

I have been still practicing the art of gratitude daily and really focusing on the positive side of things, and I can tell an overall difference in my mood. It may we a weird way to describe it, but I feel lighter. Like I just feel as if I am carrying less worry and less stress, and it makes me want to continue on this path.

For now I am going to rest as I have to work early tomorrow- I hope everyone has a great week ahead!

Relief.

I let my friend know that I was struggling to hear about her friends death, and honestly the conversion went so well it almost left me feeling angry with myself; instead I reminded myself that I am still growing and I can take this as a lesson and move forward. I found myself hesitating to put myself first out of fear of coming off like a selfish asshole, when in reality that’s the exact opposite of what I am trying to do.

It’s okay to be overwhelmed and it’s okay if certain things are triggering; what’s not okay is expecting people to understand when you haven’t communicated with them. I was avoiding an important conversation out of fear of confrontation, but having the conversation felt like a huge weight was lifted off of me. And now I can also take time to heal and see what boundaries work for me.

I ordered a couple more books off amazon today. After reading “The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success,” I feel the need to dive more into learning about being aware and present, as well as the law of attraction. I have always believed in and been interested in Karma, but I never focused so much on what I was giving to the universe each day. I am excited to go on this inward, spiritual journey and learn more about myself.

Yesterday was the first time in several months, if not a year, that I had inspiration to write a poem. I sat down and wrote the first two lines that I had sitting in my head, and the rest just seemed to pour right out of me. Although it’s probably not my best work (I’ll have to go back and re-read it), I am just happy that I had that sudden feeling to write!

I’m excited for the week ahead, and excited to see my best friend this upcoming weekend for us to finally celebrate our Christmas together LOL. I hope everyone has a great week!

Therapy.

I just finished up speaking with my therapist! Much different from our last conversation considering a month ago I had finally been setting boundaries and felt like I was sticking to them, and then today I feel like I’ve gone completely backwards and didn’t actually do anything that I thought I did. Hearing her say that this is kind of a “curveball,” made me feel somewhat better in a weird way; maybe just because it seems like anyone would be struggling with this and I feel less alone in it? I don’t know if that even makes sense.

We talked about a couple goals for me, one of which is journaling. I do write on here weekly, I guess sometimes more when I’m going through shit, but the act of physically writing down my thoughts/experiences will be beneficial for me. I actually used to write a lot when I lived with my parents, and it definitely was an escape/coping mechanism for me. Since being on my own with my boyfriend, I live in a much calmer environment which hasn’t required that need to escape.

I need to write out what I’m feeling in order to help myself understand it better. I feel it’ll help organize my thoughts as sometimes I feel like I am taking on other peoples’ issues and I’m not as good as I thought I was at determining what is “mine” and what isn’t. Another goal is to have subtle boundaries. I do NOT have to answer my phone when a friend/relative calls if I am not in the right headspace. NO ONE needs instant access to me, and me setting boundaries is NOT meant to hurt anyone, it’s meant to help myself.

I know I have a lot of work to do, but I am ready. I am tired of making myself physically ill my own stress, and honestly even over other people’s stress. I want to regulate my nervous system and find peace within myself, and I deserve that. More reading, more meditating, more breathing.

Sleepy Sunday

The weather today has kept me feeling quite lazy, which makes me happy that I decided to go grocery shopping last night. I had today to just relax; my boyfriend and I went out for breakfast at our favorite place which always makes the day a good one! I love just spending time with him. He recently starting listening to Dr. K on YouTube, which in turn means I have been listening to him as well.

Dr. K is a psychologist and he does streams with gamers/streamers and discusses mental heath. The videos are typically 1.5 hours or more, but honestly when I am listening the time seems to go so fast. He does Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and I honestly feel like I have been learning so much more about how the mind works and what questions I should be asking myself. I am excited as I get to see my therapist this coming Friday and I feel like I am truly in a good state of mind where I can make some good progress.

I have been busy crafting and adding new items to my Etsy page; I’m definitely having fun making different Christmas Sweatshirt designs and thinking of gifts to make my friends/family. At the same time I am also being conscious of money so that I am not super stressed after the holidays are over, and I am not overspending on anyone. My boyfriend and I have tattoo appointments the day after Christmas, so those are our gifts to ourselves for this year! That reminds me, I need to email my tattoo artist! I hope everyone has a good upcoming week and you’re all finding a way to relax during this holiday season.

Appreciate.

I always make sure that the ones closest to me are appreciated. My boyfriend is the person who does the most for me, and I tell him every day how much I appreciate him and make sure he feels loved. We’ve been together since we were 16, and I’m 26 now. We always make sure we are supporting one another and caring for one another. I am grateful everyday that I have him in my life, and I make him a top priority as this benefits both of us in our life together.

As we grow older, we tend to grow away from people. I see myself growing away from friendships; I am seeing which friendships are healthy and which ones aren’t. I go through a battle in my head where I debate bringing up my observations to friends in fear of offending them, but at the same time, I feel like a bad friend if I am observing a friend display some unhealthy behaviors and I never bring it to their attention.

I also know I am not a doctor or expert on mental health, but there are truly some things that are just obvious. People also love to share their lives on the internet so more people can observe these behaviors. I honestly truly feel that everyone can benefit from therapy, and especially when you have a known mental illness and/or diagnosis. I mean, why wouldn’t you want to work on yourself so you can have a better life for yourself?

As I’ve stated in previous posts, I understand that therapy isn’t something everyone can afford, but there are things we can do on our own that can help make our daily lives better. One of those things is practicing gratitude: focus on what you have and appreciate your blessings! You tend to forget how good you have it when you don’t take the time to acknowledge and appreciate.

Another good way to take care of yourself is to take social media breaks; I saw that Lush Cosmetics recently deleted all social media platforms in lieu of information that came out about how terrible instagram is for young teens’ mental health. The constant comparing yourself to others, seeing how others are “better” or “prettier” is a sure way to feel unsatisfied in your current life.

I am glad that I have been able to go to therapy and learn to practice better habits in my life. I am so blessed to have a wonderful man in my life, supportive friends/family, and my three beautiful kitties! My boyfriend and I are blessed to have good jobs, a spacious townhome, and reliable cars that we enjoy. Of course we all have struggles and tough times that come about, but it’s so important to count your blessings whenever you can.

Observations.

I have always been observant, even as a young child. I moved to an apartment complex with my parents when I was turning 5-years old; I was an only child, so moving to a place where there were a lot of children was great! I had so many instant friends, some became long-term friends, however as time went on, we have all drifted apart. Life goes that way sometimes, but I will always be grateful for knowing these people, as I feel it as definitely has widened my perspectives of others.

As a child, I loved being outside with my friends. For years we would run around knocking on each other’s doors, asking everyone to come outside to play! As I grew older, I’d notice the freedom that my friends were getting that I wasn’t, and it made me very angry with my parents. I mean, most of my neighbors were younger that me, and it seemed like they were allowed to do more than me.

I can’t say this is what started my observing habits, because I feel like I always had been paying attention, but I feel like I honed in more on the parents of my friends and watched how they acted. Although I was upset with my family (for more reasons that what are stated, but that is not the point of this blog post), I realized that I didn’t want parents like my friends had either.

I was witnessing parents who really didn’t even seem to care about their kids; they just wanted them out of their face so they could do whatever they wanted to do. Parents who were purposely causing fights with other parents in the neighborhood, which goes hand-in-hand with the parents who loved the drama more than anything else and would let it consume them. My parents definitely have flaws (I mean who doesn’t, all parents are just winging it), but I can definitely say that for the most part, I was their #1 focus and priority.

I have had a lot of healing to do from my childhood, which unfortunately is common for many. Although, what I find to be more unfortunate is when people do not take the time to learn from their triggers/traumas, and then proceed to procreate and pass on it on to the next generation. If you are unhappy with your mental health and how you react to certain situations, why would you want to bring up a child in that environment to endure those same feelings?

I understand that everyone has different lives, different interests and different priorities. I understand some are lucky to have insurance and/or money for therapy, and others are not. Luckily there are other resources for information such as in the library or on the internet, but people would truly need to want to do this and/or feel the need to do this in order to have success with it. To me, it seems for many people that this is not a priority, which will only hurt future generations.

I personally know that I do not want to pass on anxiety, depression and/or OCD to my child, as that will give them some (possibly crippling) disadvantages in life. No one asks to be born, that is a decision made by two other people’s choices and actions; the least I can do is try to set up my future children for success. I do not have children yet, but we plan to hopefully in about three years.

I understand life will be drastically different once I have a child, but that baby will be my number one priority. My child will grow up knowing that their parents love them, and also knowing that they love each other, as unfortunately many children have divorced parents which is another statistical disadvantage.

My boyfriend and I already talk about our ideal goals for our children when it comes to schooling and we want them to be able to choose any sports/extracurricular activities they want. At this point in our lives we’re paying down our debts so that this is goal easier to achieve once the time comes. I’m also focusing now on getting into healthier habits so that I can pass those on to my future children.

Of course I will make mistakes along the way, again all parents are truly just winging it. Everyone does things differently, but what is important is that the children feel loved and know that they are taken care of. Again, no one asks to be born, that is someone else’s choice/decision. We should all want the best for our children, and we should want the best for ourselves.