Being Intentional

Today is back to work after enjoying a long weekend, and I am looking forward to the week ahead! I definitely feel tired today, but I know that once I come home I can relax and do what I want to do with my time. I got to see my parents as well as a couple friends during my time off, and I am planning to see another friend during the week, and I am going to visit someone else this upcoming Sunday!

I know I didn’t really write about it here, but mid August I found out that one of my previous coworkers passed away during childbirth. Death is always hardest for me, and I always find myself questioning so many things and my anxiety always spikes. This time around I really tried to dig into my emotions and lay low, and even though her and I were not close or friends by any means, it still affected me.

I was feeling guilty for being sad, mainly because she wasn’t always my favorite person, but at the same time I would never wish death upon anyone and I couldn’t stop thinking about her family and children she was leaving behind. It kept reminding me that death truly is the only guarantee in life, and the only thing we can really do about that is be intentional with our time.

We can do our best to spend time with the people we love, so I am trying to make a more conscious effort to at least message friends more, if not see them in person. It’s also important that I do what I want in life, because I have no idea when I will pass on! When you think about it, we should truly be living like every day is our last. I mean I wouldn’t recommend taking out thousands of dollars of loans to go on an extended vacation in Greece (as tempting as that sounds), but if you always say you want to do more of something, start doing that thing!

For me, I always say I want to read more and write more, and this year I have been doing much more of those two things, but I can still do more! If I plan to fulfill my dream of writing a book, those are both things I should be investing my time into. I also say I want to be more mindful about my eating and overall health, so it is time that I start paying more attention to that.

Small, daily habits are what truly matter, and it’s important that you schedule some time for yourself. Whether it’s five or ten minutes to meditate, twenty minutes to read, or thirty for a workout, all of that time adds up over your life. Imagine how many days/weeks of our lives we have spent scrolling through online content, watching endless TikToks and reels- is any of that truly important? For some, that answer is yes, and that’s okay! For others, they are annoyed with how much time they spend on social media.

Everyone has different interests, but what matters is that you do what is important to you, and you live life intentionally for yourself. If you are constantly living for others, it becomes easy to lose yourself and go down a path you didn’t necessarily want. Life is always too short, so take some time to check in with yourself and start doing more of what you want to do!

Dear Universe, Thank you.

Every day I feel so blessed with the life that I have. I have a happy, healthy relationship with the love of my life, we have our beautiful home together with our cats, and we both have jobs that we don’t hate that allow us to live the lives we do. If you asked me ten years ago what I wanted in life, I would have said “To still be living happily with my boyfriend and be financially stable;” seventeen-year-old me would be so proud!

As I grow older I am learning more and more about myself. I am working on prioritizing what makes me happy and focusing on what I want and need in my life. I am blessed to have genuine friendships and still have good relationships with family members, and I am also lucky to be developing this healthier relationship with myself. I have definitely come a long way from where I used to be, but sometimes I feel like I struggle with trusting myself and my intuition.

In my house growing up, there were many times where I felt as if I was being accused of things that I had never done, and I also was often told that I had no voice because I was the child. I had a lot of rage and confusion building inside me throughout my younger years, but I also feel like in a way I did always have some sense of clarity: I knew what I didn’t want in my future relationships, and I knew that I would raise my children differently.

I know my parents did the best they could with what they knew, but at the time I didn’t think of it that way. I just knew that I didn’t want to be like them. In a way, I guess maybe I have been able to trust myself and intuition, but I often cloud my own judgment with overthinking and anxiety. When I think about why I am that way, I assume it would be because I grew up in a chaotic, unpredictable environment, therefore I try to prepare for all worst-case scenarios (which actually just makes my anxiety worse)! In reality, what I need to do is let go of what I cannot control.

I have seen my improvement throughout the years, and I am so proud of how far I’ve come. I find it easier to recognize when I’m worried about something beyond my control, and I remind myself of what I can control… my mindset! Worrying never helps the situation, it truly only worsens it, so why would I continue to do that? Instead I can recognize it and remind myself that everything happens for a reason, and I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

It’s easy to go into the horrific “what-ifs” about failure and chaos, but how about we switch that and ask “what if it all works out?” Instead of limiting ourselves with the belief that everything will be scary and horrible, what if we think about how we can learn and grow from any difficult situation? I know that there are so many things beyond my control, so what if I decided to just let it all go? I was so tired of stressing over everything in my life and feeling like the weight of the world was on top of me, so I decided to put it down!

I’m not going to lie, I still have rough days (I mean, I am human), but I find it easier to let go of my anxiety. I will be working on that re-wiring in my brain forever, and in addition to that I am currently working on listening to my gut instincts and learning to trust myself fully. I think my first big step in this journey was starting to say “no” to things that I didn’t want to do. I try to make it a habit to give myself time before I commit to any events, such as saying “Let me get back to you,” rather than blurting out “yes” as the seasoned people-pleaser I was. I’d say “yes” in an attempt to make others happy/not disappoint others, but sometimes it was at my own expense.

After realizing that the stress from those situations was hurting my physical health, I decided that my time is my time, and I knew I had to set that boundary. I want to spend my life doing the things that I love and that I feel aligned with. Your life isn’t truly yours if you are living it for everyone else. I think it’s important to check in with ourselves and reflect on what it is we truly need in life to be happy. I don’t think there are many (if any) people who would say they didn’t want to live a happy life, and I truly believe we all deserve happiness!

Check in/Reflection

How am I feeling? I’ve been having some obnoxious PMS the past few days; the on and off nausea is what’s bothering me the most. I’ve been so irritable and emotional and my period is supposedly coming in a few days, so I’m hoping that all of this goes away. I was going to go out to the bars last night with some friends, but decided to stay in since drinking would definitely not help my nausea. I also have just been feeling like I want to be alone lately; I need to do some self-reflection.

I recently was thinking about how I wasn’t always the nicest person as a kid, and I still find myself being judgmental of others. I was super critical of myself when I was younger, and that also made me critical of those around me. As I’ve grown older and been on my self-love journey over the last couple of years, I’m realizing that when I am being judgmental of someone else, it’s because I am seeing something of myself in them.

Often times how we feel about others is a reflection of how we’re feeling about ourselves. For example, money is a huge trigger for me/my anxiety. A lot of my sense of worth and control is revolved around money, which is another thing I am working on. If I find myself being judgmental of how someone is spending their money, it’s because I have an issue/insecurity about myself and my money habits. What someone else does with their life is none of my business, I can only control myself and my mindset.

I also know that I am a very empathetic and understanding person; I can very easily put myself in someone else’s shoes and get an understanding of why they make the choices they do. It’s also helpful to realize that most people do have unresolved traumas and are the way they are because of that. We couldn’t control our childhood or how we were parented, but today we can control how we parent ourselves.

Diving into what we truly need and finding out how we can give that to ourselves is extremely important. I need loving, healthy relationships, whether with my boyfriend or with friends or family; I can no longer tolerate those who do not respect myself or my boundaries. I get to choose who I spend time with and who is in my life.

I need to feel healthy, and how I do that is try to get my body moving every day, even if it’s just a bit of stretching. I try to balance making sure I get my veggies and fruits in everyday, as well as protein, but I could definitely be better at that. That is something I can try to spend more time/effort on so I feel that I’m living true to my values.

I need to feel knowledgeable, and I have been listening to podcasts more recently as well as reading! I was on a good streak for reading but kind of slowed down within the lag couple months. If I dedicate time to get back into reading, I will feel more fulfilled as I know one of my goals is to write a book one day, and this will definitely be helpful in getting me there. The more books I read, the more knowledge I’ll have and be able to apply to my life and maybe even my first book!

I enjoy experiences, but I also like to do so on a budget. I could look into more local free events and see if friends want to attend, or maybe even just go alone. An experience can really be anything; going to a farmers market, checking out the local library, walking on a new trail… there are truly endless options. Something I could do is set a goal to do at least one new experience a month, and if I want to increase frequency, I can!

I want to heal my traumas and learn how to manage stress and my emotions. I still see my therapist every once in a while, and I make it a point to listen to healing podcasts and follow self-love accounts on instagram, but I know there is more I can do. Writing this blog post is something that is so important, because it is allowing me to talk to myself and figure out my true wants/needs.

I think we all have an idea of what we want, but when we look deeper we find that we aren’t really living a lifestyle that is in alignment with our desires. I want to live a life that is in alignment with my values, and I feel like I am already doing this! However, I also feel that I can dedicate more time to myself and my desires, and I deserve that. We all deserve to live our best lives as our best selves!

Thursday Thoughts

Yesterday was a wonderful day off, and I know I’m going to love having this schedule! I felt like I got so much done yesterday, and still had so much time to do the stuff I enjoy! I listened to a couple podcasts and even went to the pool with a friend! Overall it was a great day and I’m ready to crank out these next two days and get to the weekend!

Summertime always makes me feel so much happier and more motivated, I absolutely love the warmth and sunshine. Just being able to stand on the balcony and feel the heat of the suns rays beaming onto my skin is enough to make the whole day better! I’m praying next week is nice instead of the current rain their predicting, but we will see what happens when we get there!

Happy Friday Eve!

Grateful

I have been feeling so grateful for my life lately. Spending my days with my boyfriend and being more intentional with my time has made quite a difference, but I can’t pretend I don’t have my moments. Even yesterday I found myself getting a bit overwhelmed thinking about tasks that had to be done, but once I started doing them I realized they literally took up less than an hour of time!

It really is all perspective, and when you’re in a stressed mood, everything feels more stressful. Just like when you’re in a happy mood, everything feels easier! Getting my emotions and body in alignment is what I am currently working on, but have definitely been slacking on the nutritional end. I have been trying to get moving every day though, even if it’s just stretching for a few minutes; even that few minutes though can make a world of a difference!

It always feels good doing something for yourself, and I want to keep focused on getting into a good routine and healthier habits. I also want to get into a better sleep routine, going to bed earlier and waking up earlier is a goal of mine, especially because I want to start journaling and/or meditating in the mornings. I want to get out of the habit of reaching for my phone the second I wake up, as it is truly an overload for our brains to go from rest to an overstimulation of information.

This morning I didn’t look at any social media before I left for work, and I even listened to a short Jay Shetty podcast on the way to work! That alone made me feel more productive and started off my day on the right foot. I’m going to the gym with a friend after work, so that should be a nice time too! I hope everyone has a great week ahead!

Is it what it is

I’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed by life this past week; it has a lot to do with my PMS and lack of sleep, but also just unexpected life stuff. I had a conversation with myself out loud in my car last night trying to get to the root of everything, and I am realizing I still have a lot of guilty feelings and am still very hard on myself.

I have to constantly remind myself that I am allowed to relax and take breaks, and that am a human being who is allowed to have emotions. Life gets stressful, and we don’t have control over much that happens, but I can control how I react and respond to situations. I can also look inward and ask myself questions to try to help myself move forward and understand myself more.

We all have bad days, but that doesn’t mean we have bad lives. Focusing on my blessings and practicing gratitude is what is helping me through these situations, and although it’s a struggle sometimes, I am proud of myself for truly trying to make it a habit to think more positively, no matter the situation. I don’t spiral out of control like I used to, which is progress in and of itself.

I hope everyone else is surviving this week!

Good Start

I went to the gym this morning!! I am extremely proud of myself as I have never gone before work and I was having some anxiety about it; luckily everything worked out (LOL, get it? 😂) and here I am in the parking lot of my job with a little extra time to type this out!

I have been wanting to start going to the gym in the mornings all week; I was going to start on Monday, but then I used the random snowfall that happened as an excuse not to go. By Tuesday I gave up because I was already having anxiety and losing sleep thinking that I wouldn’t wake up in time to go or I’d be late to work.

I was having my anxious dreams like I used to have where I’m running late for work, or I go to the wrong office and can’t get a hold of anyone. As a kid I’d often dream that I missed the bus or I was late to class- I’ve always had anxiety about time and being late, but I’m not sure where it stems from. But today I overcame a fear and I feel so much better about it!

I am going to start going to the gym four days a week in the mornings before work, and I feel that this will make me feel a lot better as I’ll start my days early doing something for myself! I’m excited to see where this journey takes me!

I hope everyone has a great Thursday!