mindful

Release

It’s so hard to watch loved ones in pain, knowing there’s nothing you can do but listen and send your love. That’s a part of life that will likely never get easier, but having faith and trust in the universe that something better is unfolding gives slight relief.

Everyone you know is going through something, whether it’s a friend or a family member, or even the person you sit by at work… you never truly know their struggles or their pain. All I can say to that is to be kind and compassionate, and remember that there are time where you will struggle too, and it’s important you have the right people in your circle.

I feel grateful for my circle. My boyfriend has been my rock for over eleven years, and the love only continues to grow. I have friends who have been in my life for longer than that, which again is a hell of a blessing. I even have some newer friends who feel like I’ve known forever. I have family who loves me and supports me as well, even if I don’t see them often.

Something I’ve noticed that is super important is now I finally feel like I have myself. I can recognize the strength within me, and I feel more confident about myself and my resilience. I have made it through some tough times in my life, including deaths and other childhood traumas as everyone has, and I am still here.

I am here to share my story and remind others that we are all stronger than we think, and that we are truly here for a reason. I may not 100% know my purpose yet, but as I continue through my own healing, I know that I am meant for more. I am meant to radiate the light that’s inside of me, and I am continuing to heal so that my light can shine brighter.

Years ago, I got a tattoo that says “it is a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply.” I know that although it can be difficult at times, it is necessary for me to be able to empathize with others, as well as feel all of my emotions. At this time, I am releasing the emotions that do not belong to me, and instead I will love and healing to those who need it. Remember to be kind, and remember you are stronger than you know.

Reset

I definitely skipped writing yesterday and feel absolutely no guilt about it. Yesterday I returned from a much needed, yet also exhausting weekend away with a couple of friends. I was energized and excited from the time I got there on Friday afternoon, all the way until waking up yesterday morning knowing I had over a five hour drive home, and then the fatigue kicked in. I was so happy to come home to my love and my fur babies, and just shower away the sweat and filth from the night before. The reason this weekend came about is my friend and I wanted to see Bryce Vine this year, and we decided to meet up in Minneapolis! Saturday night after that incredible show, we met back up with her other friend and went out until bar close. The bars closed at 2am, but then daylight savings happened and suddenly we’re driving back to the apartment at 3am.

I will say, as tired as I felt today, I have zero regrets from this trip and am so happy that I got to see a concert and hang with my girls. We also went to the Mall of America and it was my first time there! Of course we did some shopping and eating, but we also went to the aquarium and the amusement park! We got a free behind-the-scenes and were able to feed the fish at the aquarium, and we even got a free ride at the amusement park! Overall I felt like a giddy child the entire weekend and absolutely lived for it.

Now that I am home I am resetting and refocusing on my current priorities in life, and I want to focus on eating better and taking care of my body more consistently. My boyfriend and I got up this morning and went to the gym before work, and even though it was a short workout for me, I am proud that I went. I am the only person in my way of achieving what I want to achieve, and it is time to take a break and re-prioritize my time and schedule. I always say I want to know how to cook, so I am going to try a new recipe this week. It doesn’t mean I have to switch my whole life in one day and make a new recipe every night of the week, but just making small efforts will help get the ball rolling.

I am excited for this season in my life, as I continue to turn inward and focus on myself and my needs, I will continue to build confidence and more love for myself and others. I truly believe that when people are feeling their best, then they give their best, which is why I never think self-care or self-improvement is selfish. But to some people it is, and with that being said, it’s time for me to start enjoying my selfish era.

Chill Sunday- Reflecting

I am so glad to be spending today at home with my love. I am finally getting over this virus, but unfortunately he has the beginning symptoms of it now. I keep encouraging vitamins and hydration, and today’s important task of rest. Although I will say it definitely is a beautiful day outside, and it wouldn’t hurt to go out and get some fresh air. Vitamin D is a necessity anyways, and I always feel better after a nice walk in nature. Next weekend I am going on a mini vacation and I am super excited to hang with my good friend! We are going to a concert and going to do some shopping, and I am happy that I will be feeling 100% by then!

I keep finding myself feeling upset about the fact that I haven’t been feeing 100% really much this year. I feel like I am either in some sort of pain or I am battling with an illness or allergies, and it has had me feeling pretty down considering I keep wanting to get into a good gym routine and work on my health. To be fair, these ailments have been requiring me to rest and to focus on my health, so I guess that’s what they mean when they say “be careful what you wish for” LOL! I will say I am appreciating the lesson of needing to rest, and I as I said last post I have seen progress in myself as far as not being so hard on myself about falling behind on certain chores. The tasks will always be there, but those aren’t what I want my focus to be on. Yes, I still will be responsible and maintain a decent home, however I refuse to punish myself and make myself avoid pleasure until all chores are done, as that is not how I want to live.

I always tell my boyfriend that once we are married and have children, I don’t want to be so focused on the house being a mess or the laundry needing to be done, but instead on enjoying time with our kids. We only have so much time in this life, why would I want to rob myself of precious moments with my babies to be angry about house chores? I feel like I am learning important lessons now that I will be able to apply to my future self, and I am happy to be present to it. I know that thinking about my future may seem like I am not being present, but I truly feel the difference between when I used to fixate on my future life vs. having these brief, fleeting thoughts about it.

My focuses for now are on regulating my nervous system and focusing on inner peace. Having inner peace is something that I do have, but I want to become more emotionally mature and make it so that no one can ever take that peace away from me. I often get agitated by others and find myself easily annoyed, and that is something I am continuing to work through. For example, I have been sick, so I have been more irritable than usual, and the other day I felt myself becoming so bothered by what someone next to me was doing. Honestly, it was a dumb reason to be annoyed, and instead of fixating on it and allowing myself to let the anger build, I started talking to myself in my head.

I reminded myself that I am ill and that everything feels amplified in that moment, and that what other people do does not have an effect on my life. I sat and told myself that all I can do is what I am supposed to do in the way that I want to, and just as I wouldn’t want others to tell me how to do it, I have no business to comment on what someone else is doing. I do not know what is best for anyone, nor do I need to know; my focus is on myself and how I am handling situations in life. Even if I have shared stories and information with others to help them understand me and my situation, they still have never walked in my shoes or lived through my traumas the way I did, therefore they do not know what is best for me or my life.

Now let’s flip that that the other way around: just because someone has told me about their traumas and stories does not mean I know how they felt or truly understand the impact it had on them or in what ways. It is not my place to ever tell someone how to live their life. However, that does not mean I am not allowed to share my opinion from my own point of view, but it is important to me that I am mindful of other people’s feelings. I also feel that minding my own business tends to be an easier, less emotional approach, although I am trying to practice the art of listening to others’ traumas without taking them on. I have felt a huge difference in this over the past couple of years, and I am extremely grateful for that. A quote that someone I know likes to live by is “be connected to everything, but attached to nothing,” and I feel that completely.

I love human connection and seeing how similar we all truly are, but I cannot become attached to others based on having comparable walks of life. This is how trauma-bonds start forming and it can be a toxic situation to be in. I don’t want to attach myself to anything, as everything is temporary-whether we are talking about feelings or people, nothing is forever. This doesn’t mean I don’t love the people around me or that I don’t seek connection in conversation, it just means that I won’t allow an attachment to distract me from my path. I used to let other people’s problems weigh me down and become my focus, which in turn allowed me to abandon myself and become lost. I didn’t know what I was feeling was my own, or if I was letting others have an influence on me, and ultimately that was to my own demise.

I have come quite far on my self-love journey, and I can see why people say you cannot love someone else until you love yourself. I still disagree in some ways, because I know that I fell in love with my boyfriend at 16 years old and we have spent the last 11+ years growing together and continuing to build this love. However, I also am very blessed to have a partner who has been both patient and respectful throughout the entire relationship. I know that I got lucky, and if I had dated someone who had more malicious intentions or narcissistic tendencies, that I would have easily fallen into a toxic, likely anxious attachment style. I was fortunate enough to be able to have someone who has been supportive, and even encouraging of my healing, and I think that connection has assisted in my progress. However, I also know that I am the one is putting in the hard work, and I am the one who can get myself through anything in life. I am connecting to my inner peace and my healing, and detaching from the outside noise; I am dedicated to being my best self, for myself.

Rest

There is this quote I have read before goes something like “if you do not make time to rest, your body will do it for you,” and boy did my body do that. I haven’t been at work the past two days because I have been battling a nasty virus. I was so happy to wake up without a headache today, because yesterday I had probably the worst headache of my life. I spent most of yesterday maneuvering an ice pack around my head in different positions because the pain was literally everywhere, including my neck. When I wasn’t trying to numb away the pain, I was napping to escape it. I definitely got a lot of sleep yesterday, which my body desperately needed. Today I still have an annoying cough and quite a bit of phlegm, but I am feeling a lot better now that I no longer have a migraine. I am taking the Mucinex and Flonase as immediate care recommended to me, and I am continuing to rest and hydrate.

I am honestly proud of myself for not feeling guilty about being home and taking care of myself, because that is almost always how I am. I usually get so stressed out when I am sick and I start worrying about falling behind on work and chores, but this time I truly listened to my body and let myself rest. I feel like this allowed me to heal quicker, and I am planning to go back to work tomorrow. As I had written before, I had a pretty busy weekend full of lots of events and people, and in the future I likely won’t jam pack my weekends like that again. I am a sensitive person and I often need some time to recoup from being around people and in public, and I will keep that in mind moving forward.

In the meantime, I am going to take the rest of today to rest and focus on gratitude. I feel so blessed to have my boyfriend to take care of me and things around the house while I am sick. I am also quite thankful that tissues and Aquaphor exists LOL. I am grateful to have access to over-the-counter medicines to help me, and most of all the fact that we have clean water to drink. As much as I don’t feel 100% like myself, I still want to take time to recognize all of the wonderful gifts around me, and I never want to take the present moment for granted.

NYE 2022

Well, here we are! The last day of 2022. I swear as I continue to grow older, these years just fly by faster and faster. I am feeling very grateful as I look back on this year, as well as when I look ahead to 2023. I know every year is when we love to say “this is going to be my year!” Just know, every year from here on out is my year: I am doing what I love, and I am not apologizing for it. I am saying no when I don’t want to put my time or energy into something that I feel is not best for me. I am speaking up for myself by expressing when I feel bothered or upset, rather than building up resentment that only ends up hurting me. I am putting my phone on DND whenever I feel like it, I am cancelling plans when needed, and I am speaking my truth through writing, both here and on The Unsealed. I do want to take time to look back through the highlights of 2022, as I feel like this was such a great year!

The year started out with reading a new book, which launched me on a reading journey again and allowed me to read way more than I have any other year. In 2022 I read seven books. Now I could sit here and start talking down on myself by saying things like “well some of them were only 100 pages,” or “I could have read more,” etc…. but that does not help me in any way. I am proud that I read seven books, no matter how big or small, because I read those for me, and those benefitted me in so many ways. They have definitely improved my mental health by giving me so many new perspectives and ideas, and if I am being really honest, I actually feel like reading Russ’ book “It’s All In Your Head” allowed me to see him live! Back in April my friend had slept over, and the next morning when she was still sleeping, I had finished reading his book. That same day he was on Instagram telling people to DM him with their name and which city they wanted to see him perform live. I saw he had posted that on his story three minutes before I saw it, and I immediately messaged him. Three minutes later he responded with “Got you added with a +1!!!” and I nearly died of excitement! I absolutely love Russ for so many reasons, but the main one is that he is determined and he very much believes in himself, and I feel there was a reason I was able to connect with him this year-both through his book and through his music. I am so very thankful that I was able to see him live, and I got to bring my boyfriend which was nice because we haven’t been to a concert together in years. I am still in awe at how all of that happened, and I truly loved the timing of finishing his book and then being able to connect with him that same day- the universe works in mysterious ways.

This year I decided to join an incredible writing community called The Unsealed, and I am very grateful that I did. The Unsealed is a place for people to write open letters and be able to speak and release their truth into the world, with the hopes of inspiring others to do the same. I was able to really step out of my comfort zone by joining in on zoom calls, being able to ask and answer questions, and truly just open up publicly about my mental health and traumas. I never feel judged or criticized in the community, and we all choose to inspire and lift up others who are struggling. Because of my willingness to push through my anxiety, this allowed me to be on a billboard this year, advertising for this community I love! The founder of The Unsealed, Lauren, posted on Instagram that they were looking for a member in the Chicago area to advertise for their community, and as soon as I saw it I jumped on it! Although I am almost two hours outside of the city, I still wanted to be a part of it and I knew we would be able to find people with stories to tell, and I let her know that I may not be able to go see the billboard, but I’d be so happy to be on it. Lauren was super excited to help and she even got me a billboard in my town as well so that I was able to go and see it! I felt so blown away by the efforts of someone who has never even met me, and I truly felt seen and heard. I am so proud of myself for stepping into my passion of writing, and taking a leap out of my comfort zone, because this will only continue in 2023.

This year I have truly been able to finally see myself and listen to myself. I decided to set boundaries and say “no,” which has honestly helped me in so many ways, as now I no longer feel angry or resentful for doing things that I never wanted to do. I read a quote this year that I have since kept on a widget on my iPhone so I can see it every day, and it reads: “You will inspire some and trigger others. Both are medicine.” As someone who has struggled with people-pleasing my whole life, I have always avoided stating how I feel about something out of fear of hurting others/triggering others, as I know how I feel when I am triggered. What I have since realized is that this only hurts myself. If I don’t speak up for myself, who will? And although in the moment I don’t like to feel triggered, when I am calm and can reflect on the trigger, that is typically where I find the most insight and growth. For example, I became angry at a friend this year when she commented something on my post, because I was not expecting it and to me it came across like I had upset her with my post. Although I knew my intention behind the post and that it had nothing to do with anyone, I still felt my heart start pounding and my hands shaking, because now I was triggered. On the surface it can seem like I was triggered because I felt bad for upsetting her, or that I came across as a mean person, but after long reflecting that was not what it was at all. I felt triggered because, to me, someone who is a very close friend of mine misunderstood me, and at the time, it felt purposeful. Now I know feelings aren’t facts, and the only way to resolve an issue is to communicate. We luckily ended up talking on the phone and were able to smooth things over and get out any misunderstandings, but this was a lesson for me to keep in mind: not everyone will understand you, not even the people closest to you, but what matters is that you understand you and your intentions; no one can take that away from you. I knew my intention behind the post, and going forward I will pause and breathe before responding to others, especially when I am feeling triggered. It also taught me that communication truly is key in any healthy relationship, and I want to focus on that more as we go into the new year.

So many beautiful things happened this year, and I am so blessed to able to sit here and write this today. From the breakfast dates with my love, to concerts and vacations with friends, I feel so very loved. From the Dear Gabby zoom call, to messages/comments with my favorite people on Instagram (Mel Robbins, Gabby Bernstein, The Holistic Psychologist, Russ), I feel connected and abundant. From planning and setting goals to mindful moments alone, I can definitely say this has been a beautiful year of growth and opportunities. I am so excited to see what is in store for 2023, and I am choosing to go into the new year mindfully, confidently, and with purpose.

Lunar Eclipse -Blood Moon

I woke up early this morning, hours before my alarm and felt the urge to look at my phone and it was 4:56am. Remembering that just yesterday I was telling my parents that there would be a lunal eclipse visible from about 4-6am CST, I decided to get up and go take a look outside.

In my tank top and shorts I walked out to the dining room area and took a gander off the balcony into the dark sky; I saw Orion’s belt immediately and all of the other stars were shining bright. Looking to the right I could see the sky almost looked a reddish-orange, so I decided to take a quick hop outside into the breezy 36 degrees and there to my right I could see the moon!

She was full, and appeared a bit smaller to me than I had seen her prior to sleeping, but still very powerful. I could see how she was like a dark-orange to light orange gradient as the eclipse was happening, and honestly I was so happy that my body decided to wake up and allowed me to witness it.

I didn’t take my phone and even if I did I know the picture wouldn’t have been very good, but I wanted to take a moment of gratitude for how amazing our planet is and how beautiful the world truly is. I am happy I was able to witness that eclipse this morning, and now after getting a couple more hours of sleep, I am off to my chiropractor appointment and then to work.

I hope everyone has a great day ahead! Per some astrological instagram posts, this is an “angry moon,” so just be mindful with your words and try not to take anything personal today.

Thursday Thoughts

Yesterday was a wonderful day off, and I know I’m going to love having this schedule! I felt like I got so much done yesterday, and still had so much time to do the stuff I enjoy! I listened to a couple podcasts and even went to the pool with a friend! Overall it was a great day and I’m ready to crank out these next two days and get to the weekend!

Summertime always makes me feel so much happier and more motivated, I absolutely love the warmth and sunshine. Just being able to stand on the balcony and feel the heat of the suns rays beaming onto my skin is enough to make the whole day better! I’m praying next week is nice instead of the current rain their predicting, but we will see what happens when we get there!

Happy Friday Eve!

Happy Tears

I am feeling a overwhelming amount of emotions, and I can’t stop crying. I just discovered Gabrielle Bernstein and, this may not make sense, but I feel like I found my future self. I was listening to the latest episode of Jay Shetty and he had her on, and now I just listened to one of her episodes from her podcast “Dear Gabby,” and I just keep crying, but not out of sadness… I feel like it’s almost out of gratitude? I am just feeling like I meant to stumble upon her.

She said she has several self-help books and she wrote them within her journey and she felt that her readers would benefit from being on that journey. I keep going back and forth about writing a book and thinking that I have to do it once I’m “fully healed,” but we aren’t really ever fully healed, are we? Life keeps going, new stresses and traumas come about, we just learn to navigate and develop new ways to self-soothe.

The ideal self-soothing techniques would be tuned into self-growth, rather than self-destruction, which is exactly what I am trying to do now. I am actively trying to give myself grace and remind myself that I am human, and I think a lot of people could also benefit from doing this. Being hard on ourselves doesn’t necessarily help us; sure, it’s good to expect more from yourself, but not to the point where you break yourself down to nothing.

We deserve to love ourselves, and the more love we have for our authentic selves, the more we can love others. The world would be such a better place if everyone looked at people though the lens of love and empathy, because instead of judging and being critical, we’d be welcoming and understanding. People can do much more together than apart.