Good morning, Saturday.

I woke up this morning feeling pretty rested and relieved when I remembered it is Saturday. Having Thanksgiving off and then working in the office on Friday kind of threw me off a bit, but I’m definitely glad it’s the weekend and I am grateful not to work retail. That being said, make sure you’re being kind to all of the people who are working during the holidays! And while you’re at it, be kind after the holidays are over as well!

I still find it so crazy how the brain focuses so easily on the negative, yet not the positive. I am working hard focusing on gratitude and changing my perspective to a more positive frame of mind, but as a human I also know that we should feel through our emotions and not ignore them. It’s definitely a balance, and it’s always a struggle during this wonderful time or the month, but I owe it to myself to continue working on my healing and mental health journey.

What I have been struggling with the most is letting go. As of this morning, I feel the best I have about a recent situation that has been bothering me, which makes me feel happy. I need to re-read The Four Agreements, and in the meantime I need to practice those four principles: be impeccable with my word, don’t make assumptions, don’t take anything personally, and do my best.

Truly what anyone thinks about me doesn’t matter, because I know what I think of me. Although I have times where I talk myself into feeling bad about myself, I also know that I am a human who is ever-evolving and changing. It’s okay to let go of those who no longer serve your growth and journey, or even just having some distance. It’s definitely hard when you have love for someone, yet now you can see red flags and it’s impossible to unsee.

I understand two things can be true at once: someone can be jealous of you and proud of you, but what if the jealousy outweighs the love? It’s not their fault as they have their own insecurities, but at the same time, they’re the only one who can work through those feelings. It is not my job to fix anyone, it is my job to heal myself and work on being the person I want to be in life. It is important to meet people where they are, and at the same time, sometimes it’s okay to leave them there.

I have to remember that I will not always please everybody, and I will hurt people and their feelings in setting boundaries. It is not in my control how others react or live their lives, but how I live mine and how I act is in my control. I no longer wish to interact with those who aren’t truly happy for me, and although I will continue to be nice, I will be putting myself first, because I deserve it.

(found on instagram)

11•11•22

I wanted to make a post today, because I love the date and I also was able to reconnect with a good friend of mine today! She and I grew up together in the apartment complex that she is currently living in with her husband and sister! It was honestly kind of crazy to go walk through the courtyard where we once rode our bikes, and then over to a huge patch of grass that was once a the pool where I learned how to swim.

In a way it was kind of like a part of our childhood was completely gone, yet there we stood, reminiscing about it all. Honestly it was so nice being able to catch up and talk as if we never stopped, which I already knew would happen. We laughed so much and we just talked about our lives; it’s just amazing how much we’ve grown from those elementary school days. Now we’re adults who work and pay bills and live with our other halves…little me would be so proud of us.

I am honestly excited for tomorrow as I feel it’ll be a productive, yet relaxing day for myself and my boyfriend. I am excited to enjoy breakfast together and then afterwards I’m gonna get my nails redone since I still have my (now super outgrown) spooky nails. I have to get groceries afterwards, but I’m just doing a pickup, because I don’t need that stress in my life tomorrow LOL. I also am hoping to declutter a bit and put up our Christmas decorations! As some meme on the internet said: “you can still enjoy your turkey while looking at a Christmas tree.”

I also don’t care about turkey and Thanksgiving really isn’t my favorite holiday. I have said that before and I thought about doing a “Friends-giving,” but also kind of don’t feel like planning that. I do however want to have a Christmas party this year, I should probably let people know about that soon… another thing to do tomorrow!

I am happy to be feeling more present and self-aware lately, and I am feeling relief from going to the chiropractor as well. I no longer am having that feeling of tightness in my chest, and the neck/shoulder pain is getting better as well. I know I have a lot of work to do, but I am happy with my progress thus far and I am excited to keep moving forward with my healing journey, both mentally and physically.

New Week

Started off my Monday back in the gym! I took a couple weeks off just dealing with sunburn and fatigue, but I’m feeling good today! I got to hang with my best friend yesterday, we went out to breakfast and then took her son to the petting zoo and park! Last night my boyfriend also dyed my hair dark for me, which I am loving!! He has to touch up a couple spots today, but overall he did a great job as usual!

This week I want to focus on working out, going on walks, reading and listening to podcasts where I can. I’ve also been non-stop listening to the Russ playlist I made that has his whole setlist on it as we get to see him this Friday! I’m so excited to go to a concert after literally years of not being to any, and I’m even more excited that I get to go with my boyfriend!

Overall I feel like this will be a good week, and I hope it goes well for all of you as well!

Growing

As I am growing, I am learning that I need to stop muting myself. What I mean by that is I often won’t say what I’m feeling in fear of hurting others, but in reality I know my intention behind my thoughts and I’m never trying to be malicious at all. People even often tell me how nice I am and how I’m great at talking to people, but I don’t always feel that way with the people closest to me.

I just saw this post that said “Let’s normalize asking questions for clarity, instead of moving based on the story you’ve created in your mind, which may not be true;” I feel like I want that from my friends, but how I can expect that when I don’t do it! I want to start vocalizing when I have questions or thoughts that come up, so that I don’t sit with them and ruin my own inner peace or growth.

For example, one of my good friends recently reached out and asked if she could express something without causing problems/drama, and of course I said yes. The conversation went well and we are good, but now I am the one who is wanting to express my feelings about it and I feel like a scared little kid who is avoiding confrontation.

I know that my feelings are valid and I also know I can express my thoughts without being an asshole, but at the same time I never know how people will react and that is what gives me the anxiety. I would hate to unintentionally make someone upset, but at the same time, I can’t make myself upset by holding in all these feelings/thoughts.

My boyfriend has always been very direct and he’s still very polite and easy to talk to- and I don’t just mean with me, I mean with all our friends and family as well. He always asks questions when he wants clarification because he knows he’s not trying to hurt anyone, he’s just trying to understand; and that’s my goal as well! Talking to him definitely helps, but if anyone else has any tips or tricks, please feel free to comment!

Friends.

I have a few close friends; some that I see monthly, others that I see every couple weeks, and some I don’t see for several months. We are all adults who have our own busy lives, and luckily all my friends are very understanding of this. However, as we grow older our needs change, what we want/need in our lives is always shifting, and sometimes friends drift apart.

I struggle sometimes with what I am looking for and needing in a friendship, because of course I want to surround myself with positive people who are wanting to progress in life, but I also am not saying I never want people to express their emotions/feelings to me; I mean we all need to vent!

I guess I just don’t agree with a lot of my friends with certain things, but at the same time we are still able to see through those things and continue a regular friendship; I think more-so it comes down to that I feel like I cannot support a behavior that I do not agree with. But then I’m also like, I can ignore that and remember that everything happens for a reason/it is what it is.

I guess that’s where I struggle, as part of me is like “am I too judgemental with my friends who I don’t agree with?” or are they truly not good for my progress in life? I guess it comes down to, would I rather be alone than have them as friends? That gets hard too because I am a person who enjoys solitude, so it’s hard to say if I’d be cutting people off for the right reasons or not.

I had a best friend years ago, we were friends in high school and we were friends for a couple years after that. I called her my best friend, but in reality we never had any real conversations. One of the reasons we aren’t friends anymore was because I couldn’t deal with her immaturity anymore, but I had also been coming to a realization toward the end of our friendship that she never had her own opinions on anything, which made it hard for any real conversations to happen.

It felt like she just said what other people were saying, but had no idea why she was doing that or how she actually felt about it. She prioritized drinking/partying as well as taking pictures for social media. I’ll admit, I fell into that with her in that friendship; I was new to social media as my parents wouldn’t let me have Facebook until I was 16, and I enjoyed taking/posting pictures of myself having a good time with friends, and she was my best friend for that.

Over time she started disrespecting me, and I’d honestly usually let it go. She’d make fun of me, she’d talk all about her sex life but if I said anything about me and my boyfriend she’d gag and tell me to stop talking about it, but overall she had no respect for me whatsoever. The last straw was when I went to visit her at her college campus to celebrate my 21st birthday.

We celebrated a week after my birthday since her dad and I share a birthday, and I drove up to see her and she said we would have a girls night out drinking and we’d just stay at her sorority house that night. I met one of her other friends and we started bar crawling. At the last crowded bar there was a dance floor, and she wanted to go in and dance. I’m all for dancing with my girls so I said yes, but that quickly turned into her finding some guy to start grinding on. Mind you, I am in a committed relationship and had been for five years at that point, so I’m not out here trying to having dudes dance all over me.

So I exited the dance floor and hung out by the bar talked to a couple girls I met (you know how drunk girls always become friends? LOL), well eventually my “bff” comes out from the dance floor with that same dude she was all over, and she tells me she is going home with him. I am freshly 21 in a college town that I’m unfamiliar with, and she just told me she’s leaving me there. I asked her “where am I supposed to go??” and she gave me the code to her sorority house and left with this dude.

I called my boyfriend (mind you, it’s like 2am) and asked him to stay on the phone with me while I walked a couple blocks back to her place. He was infuriated of course, and I was too, but the alcohol likely helped to keep me more calm. I was very observant on my walk and truly just wanted to make sure I wasn’t going to get attacked/raped because you hear all these horror stories about college campuses. Luckily I made it to her place safely and have obviously lived to tell the tale, but safe to say that was basically the end of our friendship.

We did talk afterwards as she got mad at me that my boyfriend messaged her telling her she was a shit friend (which I didn’t know he was going to do), and she said that I didn’t want to be her friend because my boyfriend convinced me of that. Like no girl, you left me alone in the middle of the night in an unfamiliar area while we were celebrating MY BIRTHDAY! But once she was mad about that we had a text argument back and forth where I ended up just blocking her completely, and that was finally the end of a five year friendship.

The problem for me is that it took five years for me to realize that she was not a good friend to me, even when my boyfriend had been somewhat telling me that the whole time. He also says that about current friends, and my mom does too, which makes me feel like I am possibly just settling for friends again when I really don’t even need them. I don’t mean that in a malicious way, I more-so mean that I’ve grown to know and love myself a lot more over the last few years, and I am very content with being alone and having minimal friends.

I need to do some exploring within myself to see what it is that I am wanting/needing in my life when it comes to friends. As I grow older, my priorities are changing, life is changing, and sometimes you need to let certain people go to allow room for growth. I’ll be sitting with this for a while, as I feel I already have been. Please feel free to share your own story or advice in the comments, as maybe we can help each other.

Sappy Sunday

Maybe it’s because Valentine’s day just passed, or it’s the season of love, but I have been feeling so happy and in love lately! I am always in love with my boyfriend of course, but I have just been intentionally thinking about it more often and appreciating it more, and I have been doing the same in other aspects of my life. I actually am loving myself more and more each day, and that is something I really never thought I would be able to do.

I have been practicing a lot of gratitude, and I feel it has truly helped me to be more present. I’m noticing more small details around me, and I feel myself becoming more in tune with myself and others. I spent Friday night with my best friend and we had such a great night! We laughed so much, and just had a great time like we have since we were in high school. When we parted ways on Saturday, she told me that I was very inspiring for her during the time we spent together, and that she can tell that I feel “lighter,” which was weird as hell because I was just telling a different friend about feeling that way.

There is something about other people noticing your progress that almost makes it feel more “real” in a way. Not that I don’t trust myself when I notice changes I’ve made, but it is nice to know that the people who love and care about me can tell a positive difference in me. Now, I don’t anticipate never feeling down again, I know emotions are real and ever changing, but I know how to cope better when I am having hard times which is honestly relieving. To know that I do have control over myself and how I react and respond to situations. I know I have the power to rewire my brain to think more positively, and eliminate thoughts of self doubt and insecurities; honestly I have been feeling a lot more confident in myself lately.

Feeling this way, making progress that I never thought I’d see, just makes me want to help my friends and loved ones feel this way. Having my best friend tell me that I was “inspiring” truly warmed my heart and nearly brought tears to my eyes; I only want my friends to love themselves and be happy. I honestly want that for everyone, because I feel that would benefit all mankind.

Crystals

Three separate people have gifted me crystals this past Christmas. My best friend and I finally celebrated our Christmas together yesterday (LOL yeah, we’re late AF), and she got me a witchy mystery box that came with three different crystals, a stone, some seeds, bay leaves, and little notes that explained what all of them do and are used for!

She bought it from a small shop and she sent in a description of me, and the shop owner used their insight and sent a cleansed mystery package. It’s honestly interesting to me; I’m not quite sure I necessarily believe in witchcraft or that type of thing, but I do believe that our minds are powerful and we can do a lot with just focusing more on positivity and goals.

From what I know about “witchcraft” (which is barely anything so take this how you want to) is that’s it’s about setting intentions, removing negative energy, and manifesting whatever it is that you desire. In general people speak about the “law of attraction,” which is basically getting what you desire by focusing on it with intent, and I see that same idea here in a way. I think overall that it is just bringing people to be more present and aware, which is then making us notice more around us and appreciate more (which isn’t a bad thing)!

I don’t know how much I’ll dive into this; ironically one of my other good friends was just over on Friday night and was saying how she wants to get into crystals, so part of me is like “is this a sign?” Do I even believe in signs? I’m unsure at this point. I’ve been trying to focus more on my health as I think I may have been experiencing blood sugar issues, so I’m working on adding protein to every meal as my doctor recommended. I think that should be my main focus at this time, but I am definitely interested in learning more!

Been Busy.

I almost forgot to write again today! I’ve been slacking on the Sunday posting the last couple of weeks, I’ve just been enjoying time with my boyfriend and my friends! On Friday I hung out with one of my best friend’s house and we went out to Rookies for a drink and some appetizers; I stayed over at her place so that I could watch her son in the morning while she went to an appointment! It was nice spending time with them and being reminded how imaginative children’s minds are.

This week I am starting work an hour early every day so I can make up hours for my doctors appointment this upcoming Friday. They could only schedule me in the middle of the day on weekdays, so I had to make it work. My boyfriend happens to be off on Friday, so he will be attending my breast ultrasound with me! I’m expecting a quick “yup, your cyst grew, just keep your surgeon appointment for December,” and then we can leave and get smoothies LOL.

On Saturday I get to see one of my good friends and I’m super excited! We’re gonna grab some coffee from this cute little chocolate cafe in my neighborhood, and just chill at my place! I’m happy to stay in; it’s always nice to relax and just chat with good company. The following weekend my cousin and his girlfriend will be visiting which I’m looking forward to as well!

It’s been a pretty busy November, I’m hoping things can slow down a bit next month! I’m going to be mindful about scheduling so that I don’t feel too overwhelmed with plans. I already know there are a couple of toddlers’ birthday parties coming up next month, so maybe I won’t schedule anything else!

Anniversary Weekend

Today my boyfriend and I are celebrating 10 years together! He’s currently driving us back home from our yummy lunch at P.F. Changs, and we are just going to chill together for the rest of the day. It’s so crazy to think that we started dating at 16 years old, and here we are 10 years later living the best life together.

My boyfriend and I moved out to our first apartment together when we were 19, and we bought our townhome together at 21! Over the years here we have had to update some pretty big ticket items around the house, but luckily this will benefit us later on when it’s time to sell or rent it out! There are still quite a few things we want to update around the house over the next few years, but for now we’re focusing on paying down the debts from those unexpected updates.

People are always asking when we’re going to get engaged/married/have kids/etc, and honestly it doesn’t bother me as I know we have been together for a while, but I don’t really even have an answer for anyone. I know that my boyfriend is trying to get me a ring that is too expensive, and with what we are trying to accomplish with our budget, I don’t know when that will be possible for him. He won’t budge on his decision, even though he knows I’d take a $500 ring, but that’s his choice.

I’ve always said my minimum age for having kids is 28, and I just turned 26 a couple months ago, so I am still on my timeline for that! Of course I always have that fear that I won’t be able to get pregnant, but luckily there are options like IVF and adoption! And if it comes to those options, I am blessed to have my wonderful man by my side for those times. I am so happy that we have come this far, and I know we will be able to handle anything together.

I honestly was kind shocked when I had a friend reach out to me yesterday – she told me to let her know if “anything happens” today, meaning a proposal. I let her know that it was not going to happen today, as my boyfriend and I already talked about everything, and her response was “I’m sorry.” Sorry? For what?

In my head, I was thinking “do my friends just feel bad for me? they think I’m not happy until I’m engaged?” I think it really just threw me off as she has known me for longer than I’ve been with my boyfriend, and I am very content with my life, which makes me think that she thinks I shouldn’t be. It may not be the case, I mean she’s already married and has a child, but I don’t compare my life with everyone else’s like most do, so I guess that could be why she assumed I’m unhappy? I really don’t know, it just didn’t really sit right with me.

I’ve been having a lot of thoughts and realizations lately, which is making me want to just cut off a bunch of people. I feel like it’s better to hang out with people who want to share ideas and life goals, and try to make plans to make dreams a reality. I’d rather not be around people who just want to talk about other people and judge everyone. I’ll be 100% honest, I have been a judgmental person, and I don’t want to be that way; I’d much rather take the time to understand where people are coming from and why they make the decisions that they do.

I’ve always had empathy for others, and I have always fallen in the middle of most debates and issues as I can literally see both sides of pretty much everything! I feel like that is also a majority of people, but we get lost in our social bubbles and the influences around us. I feel like it’s important to be open and understanding with all people, as when we ask questions and try to understand where people are coming from, we often learn new perspectives and ideas. Isn’t that what life is all about?

There is an overall lack of empathy and understanding in the world, and it will be detrimental to us all in the long run. I really want to do something to encourage more open discussions and ideas; my boyfriend and I have talked about doing a twitch stream and that may be where this starts. I’ll keep you posted on that! I hope everyone is having a good weekend!

Feeling blessed.

I had such a wonderful birthday weekend with great people! From drinking in a sunflower field, to finishing my tattoo, back to drinking (but on an island in the lake), it was full of adventure and laughter. If this is any indicator of how 26 will be for me, I am excited!

One shitty part of the weekend is that our AC went out on Thursday, so it’s been a tad warm in the house. I will say we got lucky with the timing because it has been in the mid-to-high 70s this weekend, rather than the 90 degree heat we had a couple weeks ago, so with that we are blessed. And if you remember from when the furnace went out, my boyfriend’s cousin owns an HVAC company so he will be coming out to take a look at it this week.

I’ve been working hard redirecting my negative thoughts to remembering things that I’m grateful for, and I can already tell the difference in how I am responding to situations that usually send me into an irritable anxious state. I’m trying to practice this often so that it becomes a habit, because healthy habits are essential for progress and growth.

I explained to my therapist how I’ve been practicing gratitude and she was very proud of me, especially being off of my medication for nearly a month now. I’ve been taking the vitamin supplements she recommended which I’m sure are also helping, and I’ve been more active as well (but right now with the air being out I have tried not to be as I hate having to try to cool down in the hot house).

I have a good feeling about 26- I feel like I am finally going to get good control of my emotions and live a healthier lifestyle. I want to grow stronger both mentally and physically, and I want to be at peace in my mind and with everyone around me. I want to actively practice more kindness towards myself and others. And as this photo says, I want to swing my worries away; I feel I am heading in the right direction.