Relief.

I let my friend know that I was struggling to hear about her friends death, and honestly the conversion went so well it almost left me feeling angry with myself; instead I reminded myself that I am still growing and I can take this as a lesson and move forward. I found myself hesitating to put myself first out of fear of coming off like a selfish asshole, when in reality that’s the exact opposite of what I am trying to do.

It’s okay to be overwhelmed and it’s okay if certain things are triggering; what’s not okay is expecting people to understand when you haven’t communicated with them. I was avoiding an important conversation out of fear of confrontation, but having the conversation felt like a huge weight was lifted off of me. And now I can also take time to heal and see what boundaries work for me.

I ordered a couple more books off amazon today. After reading “The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success,” I feel the need to dive more into learning about being aware and present, as well as the law of attraction. I have always believed in and been interested in Karma, but I never focused so much on what I was giving to the universe each day. I am excited to go on this inward, spiritual journey and learn more about myself.

Yesterday was the first time in several months, if not a year, that I had inspiration to write a poem. I sat down and wrote the first two lines that I had sitting in my head, and the rest just seemed to pour right out of me. Although it’s probably not my best work (I’ll have to go back and re-read it), I am just happy that I had that sudden feeling to write!

I’m excited for the week ahead, and excited to see my best friend this upcoming weekend for us to finally celebrate our Christmas together LOL. I hope everyone has a great week!

Appreciate.

I always make sure that the ones closest to me are appreciated. My boyfriend is the person who does the most for me, and I tell him every day how much I appreciate him and make sure he feels loved. We’ve been together since we were 16, and I’m 26 now. We always make sure we are supporting one another and caring for one another. I am grateful everyday that I have him in my life, and I make him a top priority as this benefits both of us in our life together.

As we grow older, we tend to grow away from people. I see myself growing away from friendships; I am seeing which friendships are healthy and which ones aren’t. I go through a battle in my head where I debate bringing up my observations to friends in fear of offending them, but at the same time, I feel like a bad friend if I am observing a friend display some unhealthy behaviors and I never bring it to their attention.

I also know I am not a doctor or expert on mental health, but there are truly some things that are just obvious. People also love to share their lives on the internet so more people can observe these behaviors. I honestly truly feel that everyone can benefit from therapy, and especially when you have a known mental illness and/or diagnosis. I mean, why wouldn’t you want to work on yourself so you can have a better life for yourself?

As I’ve stated in previous posts, I understand that therapy isn’t something everyone can afford, but there are things we can do on our own that can help make our daily lives better. One of those things is practicing gratitude: focus on what you have and appreciate your blessings! You tend to forget how good you have it when you don’t take the time to acknowledge and appreciate.

Another good way to take care of yourself is to take social media breaks; I saw that Lush Cosmetics recently deleted all social media platforms in lieu of information that came out about how terrible instagram is for young teens’ mental health. The constant comparing yourself to others, seeing how others are “better” or “prettier” is a sure way to feel unsatisfied in your current life.

I am glad that I have been able to go to therapy and learn to practice better habits in my life. I am so blessed to have a wonderful man in my life, supportive friends/family, and my three beautiful kitties! My boyfriend and I are blessed to have good jobs, a spacious townhome, and reliable cars that we enjoy. Of course we all have struggles and tough times that come about, but it’s so important to count your blessings whenever you can.

Observations.

I have always been observant, even as a young child. I moved to an apartment complex with my parents when I was turning 5-years old; I was an only child, so moving to a place where there were a lot of children was great! I had so many instant friends, some became long-term friends, however as time went on, we have all drifted apart. Life goes that way sometimes, but I will always be grateful for knowing these people, as I feel it as definitely has widened my perspectives of others.

As a child, I loved being outside with my friends. For years we would run around knocking on each other’s doors, asking everyone to come outside to play! As I grew older, I’d notice the freedom that my friends were getting that I wasn’t, and it made me very angry with my parents. I mean, most of my neighbors were younger that me, and it seemed like they were allowed to do more than me.

I can’t say this is what started my observing habits, because I feel like I always had been paying attention, but I feel like I honed in more on the parents of my friends and watched how they acted. Although I was upset with my family (for more reasons that what are stated, but that is not the point of this blog post), I realized that I didn’t want parents like my friends had either.

I was witnessing parents who really didn’t even seem to care about their kids; they just wanted them out of their face so they could do whatever they wanted to do. Parents who were purposely causing fights with other parents in the neighborhood, which goes hand-in-hand with the parents who loved the drama more than anything else and would let it consume them. My parents definitely have flaws (I mean who doesn’t, all parents are just winging it), but I can definitely say that for the most part, I was their #1 focus and priority.

I have had a lot of healing to do from my childhood, which unfortunately is common for many. Although, what I find to be more unfortunate is when people do not take the time to learn from their triggers/traumas, and then proceed to procreate and pass on it on to the next generation. If you are unhappy with your mental health and how you react to certain situations, why would you want to bring up a child in that environment to endure those same feelings?

I understand that everyone has different lives, different interests and different priorities. I understand some are lucky to have insurance and/or money for therapy, and others are not. Luckily there are other resources for information such as in the library or on the internet, but people would truly need to want to do this and/or feel the need to do this in order to have success with it. To me, it seems for many people that this is not a priority, which will only hurt future generations.

I personally know that I do not want to pass on anxiety, depression and/or OCD to my child, as that will give them some (possibly crippling) disadvantages in life. No one asks to be born, that is a decision made by two other people’s choices and actions; the least I can do is try to set up my future children for success. I do not have children yet, but we plan to hopefully in about three years.

I understand life will be drastically different once I have a child, but that baby will be my number one priority. My child will grow up knowing that their parents love them, and also knowing that they love each other, as unfortunately many children have divorced parents which is another statistical disadvantage.

My boyfriend and I already talk about our ideal goals for our children when it comes to schooling and we want them to be able to choose any sports/extracurricular activities they want. At this point in our lives we’re paying down our debts so that this is goal easier to achieve once the time comes. I’m also focusing now on getting into healthier habits so that I can pass those on to my future children.

Of course I will make mistakes along the way, again all parents are truly just winging it. Everyone does things differently, but what is important is that the children feel loved and know that they are taken care of. Again, no one asks to be born, that is someone else’s choice/decision. We should all want the best for our children, and we should want the best for ourselves.

Sick

Well I’ve been sick since about Thursday. I’ve had multiple negative covid tests (mainly for work as I didn’t really think I had it). Every year when the weather changes I get bad post-nasal drip which turns into a sore throat, then a cough and into a sinus infection! Honestly it’s terrible, and I’m just trying to rest and drink plenty of fluids and take vitamins.

I don’t have insurance right now due to my job transition, so I don’t plan on going to the doctor for this. I’m hoping I’ll start feeling better soon, as I’m not trying to get sent home from work or told to get a doctor’s note. My insurance should be active in a couple of weeks, so of course all of this was bound to happen right now. I am blessed that it isn’t covid though, and I’m happy that I have had this weekend to rest and hydrate.

I was able to get a little bit of crafting done for my next shop drop on October 15th, which makes me feel good since I’ve been pretty tired. I had planned to go to the dollar tree and michael’s today, but I honestly don’t want to go into any stores right now. I know it’s not covid and I’ll have a mask on, but I know I’ll still feel all self-conscious if I cough or something and don’t want everyone freaking out. I’m also exhausted so I really don’t feel like going out.

If anyone has any tips for natural or over-the-counter remedies that have worked for them for cough/sinus infection I am all ears! I hope everyone else is well.

Sunny Sunday!

It’s such a beautiful day outside, yet I’ve been inside most of the day organizing and cleaning the house. Honestly it feels great, and I still have time to go on a walk as it’s only 2:30pm. I also did some crafting today; I made a couple of canvases for my living room.

I’ve been feeling like getting off of social media again. I got back on Facebook for my small business and I am back to scrolling a lot. Today I logged out so that when I pull up the app I can stop and decide if I am going on there for business or not and just get back off. Twitter is where I spend a lot of time and truly it’s kind of a hellhole, but the astrology people on there are interesting to me LOL! I like reading that stuff even if some people don’t think it’s real, I truly think it just helps with self-reflection and being aware.

I still haven’t made a decision about work, which I guess means I may be staying where I am? To be fair, my current job told me they had to talk to some people and I wouldn’t hear much until next week. Part of me still is hesitant to stay because of the drive and I don’t want to be wasting all of my time, but also the insurance is much more affordable at this job. It’s just stressful to think about, and my boyfriend’s HR won’t get back to him on if we need to be married or need a civil union or whatever. I’m honestly not really focusing on that right now, I’m trying to get the house clean and start preparing for my first crafting “drop!”

I’ve been really proud of myself for how I’ve been managing all of this stress while also no longer being on anxiety medication! It’s been over 6 weeks now, and I am honestly feeling really good! I feel my emotions again, but I also feel like I am 100% gaining more control over them. I’ve been focusing more on gratitude which is helping me to get through the negative situations. It is a lot of practice and it’s hard, but creating healthy habits is important, and I want to do this for myself.

I also am going to be more mindful about how I eat and how active I am, as I want to be healthy. I want to starting trying to have children within the next couple years, and I want to make sure that I am active and get into healthy habits so that I can continue them postpartum, and teach them to my children as well. What I choose to do today affects my future self, and I need to be mindful of that

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Indecisive

I have been going back and forth trying to make a decision about what to do with my job situation. I currently have a job that I like, but I have not been getting my full 40 hours for several weeks now, and it is starting to become stressful. I recently had my manager from my last job reach out and asked if I wanted to work in the billing department for her, and offered $1 more an hour, steady 40 hours a week, no weekends, and give me my vacation time back immediately as if I never left- the issue is the insurance is more expensive as they are a smaller company. So although I would “make more money,” it would be going to my insurance. The one good thing is it is a little closer to home than my current job. I am trying to see if I can get on my boyfriend’s insurance without being married, as we do have a joint account and are both on our current mortgage. If I can do that, that may sway me into going to that job.

On the other hand, I work for a company that wants to keep their employees, and I told them about my offer and how much I would want to get paid to stay and transition into being in their billing team; I had to keep in mind that it is quite a bit further of a drive to work. However, they can let me work from home two days a week once I am fully trained, and I would also have steady hours and not work weekends. I know a lot of people don’t care about the drive, but I just keep thinking about having an hour commute to work and then back, but also how it’ll be even longer in the winter.

In the midst of all of this stress, I came up with a craft drop schedule for my small shop! I will post it with this blog, that way if anyone wants to follow along on my Instagram or Facebook page! I am really excited to take this leap and give myself deadlines; it is important to set goals if you want to reach them! I can think about stuff I want to do as much as I want, but until I put in the work, all those thoughts will ever be are just thoughts. I keep reminding myself that you cannot rely on motivation as it is temporary, you have to rely on yourself, which requires discipline. I set up a crafting schedule so that I am constantly working on projects and being creative; I work well with routine and schedules, so as long as I put it on the schedule it will get done. Also, posting publicly about it also gives that added incentive to get it done and do a good job, as I can just hope someone is waiting to see what I’ve made!

I am open to any thoughts/advice anyone has, and appreciate any who are here reading this! I hope you all have a great week.

Decisions.

I’m not going to lie, I’ve been kind of stressed. I’m proud of myself for not letting it consume me, but I am over this week and last week too. Work is annoying me, our AC went out last Thursday and we still don’t have a quote yet, and also the state of the world is annoying me as well.

I work in healthcare and I have a fear that my company may mandate all of us to get the vaccine. Being young, healthy, and someone who wants to have children in the next few years, I personally want to wait. I do not feel comfortable getting this experimental vaccine at this time. This doesn’t mean I never will (although I’ve never had a flu shot in my life), but I’m definitely going to wait as long as I can.

There have been reports of women having strange menstrual cycles after receiving the vaccine, and that happened to one of my close friends. One of my coworkers also said her cycle has been really weird lately and she is the only one who is vaccinated in the office. I know that it may be a rare side effect, but also, we don’t actually have a clue how common it is. We are still learning about the vaccine and even learning about covid itself; I have the right to choose to wait.

If I’m sick, I’ll get tested and stay home. If I’m not sick, I’m going out and living my life. I understand that the virus can be deadly, but according to CDC statistics, the likelihood of me dying are less than 1%. The vaccine is still not FDA approved, and there are many doctors across the US who have had success in treating covid with ivermectin and/or hydrochloroquine (which I’d feel much more comfortable taking since they have decades of research in humans). I’m simply weighing my risks and making the choice that I feel is right for me.

I understand why people are getting vaccinated and I don’t blame them! I understand why they are and am all for it, I just don’t like when it’s pushed down my throat and the media encourages people to shame the unvaccinated. Some aren’t vaccinated because of religious reasons, some are immunocompromised, and some just are wanting to wait for more data. I do not know what is best for someone else and their life, so I don’t judge people and their decisions; but I stand by my opinions and my decisions.

What to do

I have this itch to start doing something new, like youtube or streaming. My boyfriend and I have talked about doing a podcast type thing together or a reaction video channel, but I think I have a fear of both failure and even success. It would suck to put a bunch of time and effort into something for it to flop or not be fun, but it would also be insane if it took off for some reason and then you have to keep up with that.

I’ve always wanted to do things to help people deal with their mental health, but I also feel like I am not in a position to help people when I’m still learning how to help myself. Humor and making people laugh can also help those give a relief of pain for a while, so maybe we should just start with reaction videos.

Another thing is I’ve always enjoyed singing, but not many people have heard me sing. I have thought about singing and posting that too, but also I’m hesitant. A part of me wants to re-download tik tok because simple one minute or less videos sounds much easier and quicker, but I also feel like I will waste a bunch of time scrolling.

I don’t know I just feel motivated, but also not because I’m clearly not focused and don’t know exactly what I want to do. I just need to do something!

Motivated and mindful

I’ve been feeling very motivated this past week. I’ve been more mindful of what I’m eating and my physical activity levels, and it’s already making such a difference! I’m not going on runs or to the gym or anything just yet, but getting back into walks and at home workouts.

I have really been trying to focus on myself and improving myself both mentally and physically. One thing I am struggling with though is this constant battle of feeling selfish, and feeling like I’m being an assh*le to my friends and family.

The thing is I’m a super low-maintenance person, which isn’t good nor bad but it definitely differs from a lot of my friends/family. Not to say everyone else is high-maintenance, but when I tell you I’m low maintanence it’s like I never want or need anything from anyone. I rarely ask for help or favors, and if I do it’s probably from my boyfriend as we are each other’s biggest support systems.

I have gotten better at saying no to people, but I hate feeling guilty about it – and people seem to love to make me feel that way. I recently said no to a couple family things and I feel like it may cause some tension, but at the same time I can’t be spreading myself so thin and this has been just a super busy year (and last year).

I was in a wedding in November, one in March, and now I’m in another one this coming July; not to mention I started a management job at the end of January and which was a large transition in itself. I also recently had health issues that are thankfully resolved (for now?), but excuse me if I need to take some time for myself. I can’t feel bad about it; I refuse to.

In bed all day

Yesterday I called into work due to throwing up in the morning and having extreme fatigue for several days prior. I always feel guilty calling in; I feel like I’m letting my team down and I’m also falling behind on a bunch of stuff! This morning I woke up and had diarrhea (TMI but I don’t care right now) and a bit of nausea again so I called my boss.

I told her what was going on and she said that I have to take care of myself. I was saying how I felt bad as the front desk girl just started last week and now I’m leaving her alone and she said that I just have to think about myself and remember if I’m not 100% then I can’t give 100% at work (which is true if I’m constantly getting up to use the bathroom).

I felt much better (mentally) after that conversation and I let my team know I won’t be in today. Then proceeded to throw up twice which was all my dinner from last night; so I guess it’s a good thing I called in. Now I’m just laying in bed and I have a water bottle beside me so I can just rest and hydrate. My eyes are heavy as I write this so I’m going to listen to my body and go back to sleep.