What to do

I have this itch to start doing something new, like youtube or streaming. My boyfriend and I have talked about doing a podcast type thing together or a reaction video channel, but I think I have a fear of both failure and even success. It would suck to put a bunch of time and effort into something for it to flop or not be fun, but it would also be insane if it took off for some reason and then you have to keep up with that.

I’ve always wanted to do things to help people deal with their mental health, but I also feel like I am not in a position to help people when I’m still learning how to help myself. Humor and making people laugh can also help those give a relief of pain for a while, so maybe we should just start with reaction videos.

Another thing is I’ve always enjoyed singing, but not many people have heard me sing. I have thought about singing and posting that too, but also I’m hesitant. A part of me wants to re-download tik tok because simple one minute or less videos sounds much easier and quicker, but I also feel like I will waste a bunch of time scrolling.

I don’t know I just feel motivated, but also not because I’m clearly not focused and don’t know exactly what I want to do. I just need to do something!

Motivated and mindful

I’ve been feeling very motivated this past week. I’ve been more mindful of what I’m eating and my physical activity levels, and it’s already making such a difference! I’m not going on runs or to the gym or anything just yet, but getting back into walks and at home workouts.

I have really been trying to focus on myself and improving myself both mentally and physically. One thing I am struggling with though is this constant battle of feeling selfish, and feeling like I’m being an assh*le to my friends and family.

The thing is I’m a super low-maintenance person, which isn’t good nor bad but it definitely differs from a lot of my friends/family. Not to say everyone else is high-maintenance, but when I tell you I’m low maintanence it’s like I never want or need anything from anyone. I rarely ask for help or favors, and if I do it’s probably from my boyfriend as we are each other’s biggest support systems.

I have gotten better at saying no to people, but I hate feeling guilty about it – and people seem to love to make me feel that way. I recently said no to a couple family things and I feel like it may cause some tension, but at the same time I can’t be spreading myself so thin and this has been just a super busy year (and last year).

I was in a wedding in November, one in March, and now I’m in another one this coming July; not to mention I started a management job at the end of January and which was a large transition in itself. I also recently had health issues that are thankfully resolved (for now?), but excuse me if I need to take some time for myself. I can’t feel bad about it; I refuse to.

In bed all day

Yesterday I called into work due to throwing up in the morning and having extreme fatigue for several days prior. I always feel guilty calling in; I feel like I’m letting my team down and I’m also falling behind on a bunch of stuff! This morning I woke up and had diarrhea (TMI but I don’t care right now) and a bit of nausea again so I called my boss.

I told her what was going on and she said that I have to take care of myself. I was saying how I felt bad as the front desk girl just started last week and now I’m leaving her alone and she said that I just have to think about myself and remember if I’m not 100% then I can’t give 100% at work (which is true if I’m constantly getting up to use the bathroom).

I felt much better (mentally) after that conversation and I let my team know I won’t be in today. Then proceeded to throw up twice which was all my dinner from last night; so I guess it’s a good thing I called in. Now I’m just laying in bed and I have a water bottle beside me so I can just rest and hydrate. My eyes are heavy as I write this so I’m going to listen to my body and go back to sleep.

Feeling feelings

Been irritable lately and overthinking a lot. I had a fun weekend, but there were also parts that made me upset but I made sure to let it all go because we were celebrating a good friend for her bachelorette party.

I’ve been feeling people’s emotions and passive aggressiveness lately and it’s been draining. I also feel lack of communication is hurting a relationship right now, but I also don’t know how to address it and it’s not a good time at all. At this point it would be rude to do/say anything so I will just have to wait.

I am just tired right now and am ready to go to bed. I have to work tomorrow and honestly I am kind of excited to start off the month on a good note at work! I think my career life will be thriving soon, I just have to get through a couple months of fixing up quite a few issues.

Meh

Yesterday was a bad mental health day. Although I was productive, I was feeling very “meh” all day and was just being very hard on myself. I am able to recognize when I am being hard on myself and when I’m overworking myself, but I can’t seem to stop it. My hardest struggle right now is the new job.

I love my new job, honestly! There’s just quite a few things that are similar to one of my previous jobs, and unfortunately it’s a bit triggering for me and my body. I’m not throwing up daily or anything like I did at the job I’m referring to, but there’s just an overwhelming amount of mistakes to fix again, and it feels like I’m drowning in it.

I find myself having difficulty sleeping again, and constantly dreaming about being at work. The good thing is that all of my coworkers and higher ups are very encouraging and are so pleased with me and they tell me daily that I’m doing a great job- and I know I am too- I just can’t help but feel like I’m never doing enough.

I feel like I mainly have this issue when I’m in leadership positions at work, because I feel like everything comes down on me (even though it’s not true because this is a team effort) and I put way to high of expectations on myself. I want to make sure no one is stressed, including myself, so I overwork myself trying to prevent anything from going wrong. The problem is, I keep walking into jobs where there is A LOT of clean up, so mainly everything is going wrong until I can fix it all.

I’m going to learn a balance; luckily my regional coach is always reminding me that they don’t want me to burn out. She told me that it’s very easy to want to work all day as there will always be stuff to do, but work/life balance is important. I just have to be better at setting myself a boundary so I stop over-working myself and stop making myself more anxious.

Productive

Yesterday I spent most of the day making gifts for my friend’s upcoming bachelorette party! She asked me to be her maid of honor so I decided to take on making all the goody bags for the party and it’s super fun!

I started my new job at the end of last week and I am feeling very good about this company and office I will be working for! As silly as it may sound, I am excited to have my own little desk/office area and I want to decorate it all cute LOL. It really is the little things.

I keep telling myself I am going to make fitness a priority in my life, so I am going to. I need to work on weight lifting and toning my body; I also want to be stronger in general. I should get working on it while I’m young and make it a habit so life isn’t so hard later in life (going up stairs, going on long walks, etc.) I am on my period right now so I’ve been exhausted, but I can at least stretch and do some yoga.

I am over the cold weather/snow already, I just want it to be nice outside again so I can go on walks regularly and just enjoy the sunshine. Hopefully winter just flies by!

Quick Monday

It’s my last Monday at my current job! This is bittersweet as I love my coworkers and I also have really enjoyed this job, I just miss having more responsibilities (and more money of course)! I start training at the new job this Thursday, and literally they told me I can do my compliance training at home which is so nice!

I have nothing but good feelings about this new job; I think this is the first time I’ve truly felt confident going into a job. Of course we all have normal anxieties around it as I have a whole new system to learn, but I know I’ll grasp it quickly.

I have this thing when I start new jobs, I want to try to start a new life habit, and I really need to incorporate working out into my life, so I need to work up a schedule for myself for once I am more settled with my regular hours. I will have to work on that later today. For now, off to work!

Vices

I’ve been shopping/spending money on myself lately, which feels great but at the same time I know I shouldn’t be. I’ve been using my credit card on expenses that have been coming up with the upcoming weddings and also car stuff, so since I’m already using it I decide to keep going and I end up at Ulta or Walmart (yes, I love buying stuff at Walmart) and I feel so guilty after.

I am working full time, but I did take a pay decrease when I left my last job. I do want to say that I am 100x happier and in a better place mentally at this new job. I would never go back to such a toxic environment/boss, and I’d rather have this (self-inflicted) “money stress” than feel how I did at that job.

I will say that one good thing is I do not ignore the issue. I am aware of my credit card balance and make it a priority to pay it every single time I get paid. I really do need to cut back on habits such as getting my nails done and coffee, but I also justify those things with the fact that they make me happy and this year has been rough on everyone.

I would like to make more money, and I have been thinking about ways I can do that. I am thinking about investing in a Cricut (once I pay my credit card down) and possibly making an Etsy shop once I have enough practice and am confident with my projects. I also love the idea of being able to make personalized gifts for people for birthdays and holidays.

This is a super late post on a Monday night and I’m exhausted so I’m going to end this now. I need to put a reminder back in my phone to go off on Sundays to blog because I keep getting so busy and forgetting. Anyways, goodnight.

Monday post again

Today was definitely a Monday…

I’m still enjoying the new job, but today the other front desk girl didn’t come in and she told the office coordinator via text that she had a doctors appointment this morning and would let her know how the appointment went when it was done. So after a couple hours she hadn’t reached out to anyone and she wasn’t responding to messages so we don’t know if she’s coming back at all.

Me, being the anxious person that I am, have this whole scenario in my head that she had an emergency appointment to go to and then had to have emergency surgery or something (because she obviously wouldn’t have her phone). Meanwhile, the office coordinator and other employees just assume she’s done because she still lives with her parents and has no bills and just works for “fun money.” Honestly, I hope they’re right in this case!

The other issue I have with this though is I worked with this girl on Friday and she was talking about working future weekends with me and told me she’d she me on Monday. I also didn’t get any bad vibes from her and I really did think she had a good sense of work ethic, but the OC doesn’t think so. To be fair she has known her way longer, I just can’t believe how off my radar is. I usually am very good about reading people.

There’s no point in dwelling on it now though, I’m sure we will hire someone soon and get them trained and everything will be okay soon enough. For now I will just work the overtime and enjoy my paychecks. I hope everyone is having a great Monday evening.

Monday post because I fell asleep yesterday.

Happy Monday! Last week was my first week at my new job, I turned 25, I had a get together with some close friends- overall I’d say it was a great week! I am loving the new job so far; it’s very busy but it is extremely organized, there are procedures in place, and it is a very well-run office.

I am already feeling so much less anxious and stressed. I haven’t thrown up before work at all, not even on my first day when I was nervous/anxious about starting the new job. The office coordinator is very smart, hard-working, organized and a great trainer. The other front desk girl is also a hard-worker; it’s nice to be part of a team where everyone helps each other out!

During this week I will still technically be in training, but starting next week I will have a couple days where I don’t start until noon so I want to start working out on those days and making sure I really take time for myself. I am feeling very positive at this point!