dark

I need to write more

I’m thinking about writing more in my blog. I don’t want to jump into daily writing right away, but even though overall I’m more busy with my job and life right now, I feel like writing daily could actually help me- reflecting on the day and focusing on positivity can really only benefit you, right?

I haven’t been writing any poetry, and when I say that I get upset with myself as that’s something I used to do often, and I was also proud of my work. Maybe I have a fear that I’ve lost my “touch” when it comes to poetry, or maybe even my emotions in a way. Writing poetry helped me a lot when I was younger and dealing with my childhood trauma, and once I finally was able to escape I feel like I just stopped writing.

I feel like my poetry used to be more “dark,” and I loved it that way, I just feel like I’ve been in such a better place now that I don’t want to go back and try to feel those emotions, just in order to write. I guess I should just start dabbling in some positive/inspirational poetry since that’s what people really need right now anyways!

If anyone reading this has any suggestions as to writing more in blogs, writing poetry, or just wants to share your thoughts, I am open to any and all suggestions! I hope you all enjoy your upcoming week.

Wandering

I feel like my mind is constantly wandering trying to find new interests and hobbies. I feel like even though I didn’t do much before quarantine, I need to do things now to keep me going. But at the same time, I feel such a lack of motivation because I always give up on everything that I try. I never stick with anything and it drives me insane (especially because I know I’m the only one who can change that).

To be honest I need to give myself a little credit, because both Yesterday and Saturday I did at-home workouts. And then today I went on not one, but two walks! I told myself I wanted to work our more so I actually started doing something about it. I just really know myself and I know how I always give up on things, so I’m hoping I can get passed that somehow this time around.

I want to start writing poetry again, but I haven’t felt motivated or inspired lately. I sometimes wonder if taking anxiety medication hinders my ability to write because I always loved writing when I was in a bad state of mine (aka high anxiety or depression). My anxiety medication has definitely helped me a lot, but I hope to one day come off of it.

New medication (again)

On Friday I had an appointment with a psychiatrist that my therapist referred me to, and after an hour long discussion of me quickly describing my life childhood to now and explaining how I’ve felt on all of my previous and current medications he prescribed Cymbalta. I am to wean off my Buspar for the next couple weeks while starting the new one which I just started yesterday.

I am more hopeful with this medication; now that I’ve tried a few others and was able to self-reflect and then inform an educated physician about my experiences I feel like there’s more of a chance of success compared to when I first started with medications. I remember seeing a psychiatrist for the first time and talking to her for 20 minutes about how I was feeling and she put me on Zoloft right away. And when I wanted to come off of it after almost nine months she told me I needed to stay on it for a year. Well I didn’t listen and took myself off of it and stayed away from medications for a while.

When I started having almost daily panic attacks and chest pains I decided to see my primary care and was prescribed Lexapro which I had a weird delayed allergic reaction to and then was switched to Prozac. I felt like that was helpful for a while until we increased the dose and I felt like things were getting worse (I had lots of racing thoughts which didn’t help my anxiety at all), and I realized that I had been having side effects that I didn’t like the entire time I was on prozac, they just weren’t as severe as when we increased the dose.

When I explained that to the primary care doctor I was switched to an anxiety only (rather than an antidepressant) medication called Buspar which is what I am now currently weaning off of. This medication I honestly feel like it hasn’t done anything. I felt reassured when I saw this new doctor on Friday and he told me that many colleagues of his rarely saw good results for anxiety patients that medication.

Overall I am hopeful as I previously stated-lately I’ve been so down and unmotivated to do anything which is really bumming me out. I know I should just try faking it until I make it but I just feel so tired all the time. Hopefully I won’t be feeling this way much longer.

Dark world

I didn’t write on Sunday, and I’ve been beating myself up about it, but I can’t even do that because that was a very busy day. I was going to write yesterday, but after work I was too tired and drained. The world is so sad and dark right now and it’s hurting my soul. I just feel heavy and tired and always on the verge of tears.

I know I need to write about it, I just feel like there’s too much to say. My thoughts are always racing and jumbled and there’s so much going on and I feel so overwhelmed by my own brain. I had to delete my facebook and twitter (other than it sharing my blog post and stream automatically) for my own sanity, and I don’t plan on going back anytime soon. Constantly reading and soaking in all the negativity is seriously hurting my mental health, so I stopped.

A thought that continues to come into my head is that I am just grateful that I do not have children right now. On the phone the other day my mom apologized to me that I have to live in this shit world and that she always said she didn’t want kids for this reason. I reassured her that I’m okay, because I am; I can handle anything, it’s just hard right now.

I will admit I am scared. I’m scared of the state of this country as we watch it divide. It hurts me deeply to see other people have such lack of empathy for other human lives- and it can be for something as simple as having a different opinion. If people focused less on violence and hatred of those with opposing views, and focused on coming together, finding common ground, and working towards solutions I feel that we’d be in a much better world. I haven’t prayed in years… but I might just pray for that tonight.

Frustrated

I’m at home in bed as I write this. I went to work this morning but left after a couple hours due to throwing up twice at work (once at home before work). I also threw up yesterday before work. We didn’t even have a busy schedule and I have no reason to be feeling anxious.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I am not motivated anymore. I probably should get back on my antidepressants, but the thought of that makes me more depressed. I don’t want them. I don’t want my anxiety medication either since I feel like it’s not helping.

The rainy weather doesn’t help… neither does the quarantine. I have to keep that in mind and remember this is only temporary. But if I can’t stop puking every day I don’t know what I’m going to do.

It’s exhausting in here (my mind)

I’ve been really stressed out lately and in turn I am disappointed and angry at myself for the way I’ve been reacting to certain situations and the mindset I’ve been in. As if being in lockdown isn’t stressful enough, I am still stressed at work; then I feel like I can’t/shouldn’t even complain about it because I am also blessed to be working and should be thankful that I can still pay my bills (and I very much am).

Work is stressful because everyone is on edge as it is, and my boss keeps leaving to Hawaii because she can’t see patients during this time. I am trying to get the office cleaned up, however I also need certain things from her and she keeps getting mad about certain things, which some are justified, but also were outside of my control considering there are issues from years ago when I was not working there. I also feel like us communicating mainly via text might be throwing me off a bit because you can’t read tone through text and I may be taking things the wrong way.

As I’ve explained before, I am very critical of myself. Even if someone thinks I am doing a great job, I still will find a way to feel like I’m failing, rather than talking myself up and reminding myself of how far I’ve come considering the situation I’m in. Things may not even be as bad as I think they are, but I always seem to find a way to worry about everything and doubt myself. I need to get out of this mindset, and when my therapist and I talked on Friday she said I need to pay attention to how much I am bullying myself- so good thing I’m jotting this down.

I keep worrying that even if I were to leave this job (which I am not about to do, especially in the current state or the world), that no matter where I go I will get into this cycle of being a perfectionist and people-pleaser and will always end up feeling like I failed in some way. I know I shouldn’t be thinking like this, and this is when I get mad at myself. Why do I keep being so negative? Why can’t I just care less and stop worrying and focus on the good things? Why do I have to have this same conversation in my head over and over and over again?

Maybe one day it’ll end- until then I will continue this exhausting cycle in my head.

“Untitled”

Trying not to get sucked into the negativity with everything that’s going on right now is just about impossible… but I’m really trying to practice self care during this time (which is why I’m writing this right now). I could definitely do better at eating healthy, but I am happy that I’ve been doing at-home workouts and I’ve been taking care of my skin. Working on yourself matters, and it’s important to develop healthy habits.

I’m not going to lie, I fucking hate this quarantine shit and how weird everything is right now. I miss being able to just get on the train to the city to visit one of my best friends and just being able to explore the city or go to the arcade bar or do whatever without having to worry about this insane virus. I miss being able to call up an old friend and go meet up for lunch. I just know when this is over, many people will start being more grateful for those things.

What’s even worse is the fact that so many people have lost their jobs during this pandemic, including a lot of my staff. I am lucky to be working right now, and I’m happy that my boyfriend is also working. We have a lot to be thankful for during this time, and I don’t want to take it for granted. We can continue to pay our bills, we can feed ourselves and our cats, and we get to spend more time together! In a way I feel guilty for being able to work all of my hours… but also, I have worked my ass off at this job and I’ve been the most stressed that I’ve ever been, so in a way I have earned this. Now is finally the time that I am catching up and cleaning things up at the office!

I hope people start staying home so we can get though this virus and flatten the curve and go back to normalcy. Remember that we are all in this together, and there are many people that are struggling right now. I have friends who have had to postpone their weddings. A family member of mine just went into labor at 28 weeks and gave birth to an almost 3lb baby girl, and as if that isn’t scary enough, we’re in the middle of a pandemic! No matter what you’re going through, we just remember we are all living through this coronavirus outbreak together.

People are dying from this virus, and what’s terrifying is that people can not have symptoms and can just be spreading it everywhere without knowing. Social distancing signs areeverywhere, and it surprises me how people act in grocery stores towards each other now (personally, I love social distancing 6+ft apart and think we should always do this); everyone acts like they are scared of the other people.

I will say, it is nice when you make eye contact with someone and they just smile, even in the midst of all this shit, they still gave the effort to smile at a stranger- return the smile and go on and share one with someone else. The little things matter and you never know how you can help someone without even knowing it. It’s kind of a dark time, so let’s try to brighten it up a little bit.