Positive thoughts = positive outcomes (hopefully)

I’ve been thinking a lot about how people manifest great things into their lives and I’ve been trying to do the same. I still need to make my vision board but I am debating getting a new printer and getting printable vinyl or just buying magazines and finding pictures like I used to as a teenager LOL.

I know that I have a purpose, and I don’t know 100% what it is yet, but I know that I like to bring people joy and I want more people to feel in control of their emotions and I feel like I need to help people in some way. Granted, I am nowhere near perfect and I still breakdown and have bad days, and I will always be working to improve myself; but in reality that is everyone, we’re all human.

We need to stop being so hard on ourselves and be more encouraging, as we are to our loved ones! We have no problem telling others that “everything will be okay” and “nobody is perfect, don’t be too hard on yourself,” but we can’t seem to cut ourselves the same slack. Why not?! It is important to have goals and high expectations in yourself, but that doesn’t mean you have to hate on yourself the whole way there!

I’ve been having fun and also getting discouraged with my cricut. I see other people doing awesome projects of much higher skill level, and I see projects where I don’t have the materials I need right now, but that doesn’t mean I won’t be able to get them in the future! And I will always be able to learn these new skills that I am seeing! I just need to remember to be patient and kind with myself, as we all should be with ourselves.

Upset

Today the public pool in the town I live in announced that they would not be opening this season… and honestly I am extremely upset by this. Pools have always been a huge part of my summer- I grew up in an apartment complex that had a private pool just for those who lived there and I always spent my summers enjoying the water and getting a nice tan.

Summer is the only time of year that I feel at my very best. I feel like in the summer is when I feel most energized and motivated. I am most definitely happiest during the summer months compared to the rest of the year. I just feel like summer is being taken away and I just don’t know how well I can’t handle it.

Part of me feels like an ungrateful brat when I’m typing this, but at the same time I am just expressing how I feel at this time. I am very much aware that I have plenty in life to be thankful for, and I am not taking those things for granted. I thank my boyfriend every day for loving and caring for me the way he does, and I appreciate all that he does. I am also blessed to have a job and be able to pay my bills at this time.

At this point I feel very done with things. I am tired of quarantine and lockdowns. I am very much ready to just grab a flight to somewhere with a beach or some mountains and take a weeknd to myself away from all of this. I do care about people and understand that people have died from this virus; I also am aware that I am healthy, I wear my mask in public and keep safe distance from people, and I carry mini hand sanitizers with me everywhere. I’m taking proper precautions and do not feel I am putting anyone in danger by doing so.

We will see what happens- I am just feeling really down and stressed lately. I feel like my brain is overwhelmed and I am forgetting how to function… like I feel like I am constantly forgetting things and zoning out. I feel like I am more clumsy than normal and haven’t been thinking as clearly as I usually am. It just sucks right now.

It’s exhausting in here (my mind)

I’ve been really stressed out lately and in turn I am disappointed and angry at myself for the way I’ve been reacting to certain situations and the mindset I’ve been in. As if being in lockdown isn’t stressful enough, I am still stressed at work; then I feel like I can’t/shouldn’t even complain about it because I am also blessed to be working and should be thankful that I can still pay my bills (and I very much am).

Work is stressful because everyone is on edge as it is, and my boss keeps leaving to Hawaii because she can’t see patients during this time. I am trying to get the office cleaned up, however I also need certain things from her and she keeps getting mad about certain things, which some are justified, but also were outside of my control considering there are issues from years ago when I was not working there. I also feel like us communicating mainly via text might be throwing me off a bit because you can’t read tone through text and I may be taking things the wrong way.

As I’ve explained before, I am very critical of myself. Even if someone thinks I am doing a great job, I still will find a way to feel like I’m failing, rather than talking myself up and reminding myself of how far I’ve come considering the situation I’m in. Things may not even be as bad as I think they are, but I always seem to find a way to worry about everything and doubt myself. I need to get out of this mindset, and when my therapist and I talked on Friday she said I need to pay attention to how much I am bullying myself- so good thing I’m jotting this down.

I keep worrying that even if I were to leave this job (which I am not about to do, especially in the current state or the world), that no matter where I go I will get into this cycle of being a perfectionist and people-pleaser and will always end up feeling like I failed in some way. I know I shouldn’t be thinking like this, and this is when I get mad at myself. Why do I keep being so negative? Why can’t I just care less and stop worrying and focus on the good things? Why do I have to have this same conversation in my head over and over and over again?

Maybe one day it’ll end- until then I will continue this exhausting cycle in my head.

Easter Sunday

I remember loving Easter as a kid. I’d have Easter at home with my parents and I’d look around the apartment for my eggs and basket. After that we’d always go over to my Grandparents house and my cousins were usually in town so we could all search for our eggs and baskets together.

I’m sure Easter will be fun again once I have kids of my own. Neither my boyfriend nor I are religious, but I was raised Christian and I did go to church when I was younger, but I never remember doing any Easter mass or anything. I’ll make sure my children do understand the holiday and the meaning behind it- I’m sure then they’ll start asking why there’s a big bunny involved LOL.

Today I am feeling a little restless. I think it’s because we’re supposed to go do a birthday parade for my boyfriend’s grandfather, but we don’t have a set time yet and that’s really making me anxious. I already hate that we just found out about this yesterday, but I’m even more irritable today because it’s already 11am and we still have no clue when this is happening. I’m trying to go with the flow of things but it’s just not always easy for me.

I also haven’t taken my medication yet this morning which probably has a little to do with the irritability. Now that I’m strictly on an anxiety medication (rather than with the anti-depressant), I definitely notice my short temper returning. I’m somewhat upset about it, but also I think it’s a good thing because this has always been a part of me and I need to embrace it to be able to work through it.

I will say that I notice when the dose or this one wears off; not right away, but usually I find that I’m being angry or irrational for no reason, and then I remember to take the second dose. I need to put an alarm in my phone for it because I’m used to only taking a pill in the morning, so taking another dose later is hard for me to get used to and remember.

It’s nice and sunny out so I’m gonna go on a walk while my boyfriend goes to his personal training session. My best friend is going to Facetime me after my walk so we can chat and check in with each other during this weird time- I can’t wait for us to be able to go grab a coffee and just walk through the city again. Until then, we will make the best of the current situation.

When this is over

When this is over, people will be more friendly. Strangers will say “hello!” and engage in polite conversation, rather than just faking smiles or simply not making eye contact.

When this is over, people will reach out to their friends and loved ones more often. Family members will catch up and have meaningful discussions, without being distracted by their devices.

When this is over, people will be nicer to themselves. The constant self-doubt and loathing will disappear, and instead self-care and confidence will take over.

When this is over, people will enjoy concerts and festivals more than ever and will learn to live those moments to the fullest, rather than recording and taking pictures to post for irrelevant “likes.”

I hope that during this time people are working on themselves and improving aspects of their lives as best as they can in their situations. I hope people are self-reflecting and realizing what is truly important to them, and what makes them genuinely happy.

We never know what life will throw at us, but having good people beside us when it gets hard makes it all a bit easier. More importantly, we are the only ones who are guaranteed to be by our side the entire time, therefore it is crucial that we love and care for ourselves. ♡

“Untitled”

Trying not to get sucked into the negativity with everything that’s going on right now is just about impossible… but I’m really trying to practice self care during this time (which is why I’m writing this right now). I could definitely do better at eating healthy, but I am happy that I’ve been doing at-home workouts and I’ve been taking care of my skin. Working on yourself matters, and it’s important to develop healthy habits.

I’m not going to lie, I fucking hate this quarantine shit and how weird everything is right now. I miss being able to just get on the train to the city to visit one of my best friends and just being able to explore the city or go to the arcade bar or do whatever without having to worry about this insane virus. I miss being able to call up an old friend and go meet up for lunch. I just know when this is over, many people will start being more grateful for those things.

What’s even worse is the fact that so many people have lost their jobs during this pandemic, including a lot of my staff. I am lucky to be working right now, and I’m happy that my boyfriend is also working. We have a lot to be thankful for during this time, and I don’t want to take it for granted. We can continue to pay our bills, we can feed ourselves and our cats, and we get to spend more time together! In a way I feel guilty for being able to work all of my hours… but also, I have worked my ass off at this job and I’ve been the most stressed that I’ve ever been, so in a way I have earned this. Now is finally the time that I am catching up and cleaning things up at the office!

I hope people start staying home so we can get though this virus and flatten the curve and go back to normalcy. Remember that we are all in this together, and there are many people that are struggling right now. I have friends who have had to postpone their weddings. A family member of mine just went into labor at 28 weeks and gave birth to an almost 3lb baby girl, and as if that isn’t scary enough, we’re in the middle of a pandemic! No matter what you’re going through, we just remember we are all living through this coronavirus outbreak together.

People are dying from this virus, and what’s terrifying is that people can not have symptoms and can just be spreading it everywhere without knowing. Social distancing signs areeverywhere, and it surprises me how people act in grocery stores towards each other now (personally, I love social distancing 6+ft apart and think we should always do this); everyone acts like they are scared of the other people.

I will say, it is nice when you make eye contact with someone and they just smile, even in the midst of all this shit, they still gave the effort to smile at a stranger- return the smile and go on and share one with someone else. The little things matter and you never know how you can help someone without even knowing it. It’s kind of a dark time, so let’s try to brighten it up a little bit.

Weird World

I feel like we’re in an endless episode of black mirror; it feels like we’re in some alternate universe. The stores are more empty than ever before, there’s barely any traffic, and it’s eerily quiet outside. I have so many thoughts but I seem to focus on any of them for more than a few minutes.

Our state just issued a shelter in place that starts at 5pm today. We can still go to grocery stores, work, pharmacies, and gas stations- but other than that many places are closed and we are all to stay inside to prevent the spread of coronavirus. I understand that we don’t want this to spread, and many people are dying from this in other countries, it just really feels like there’s more going on than just the virus.

My dad was always into conspiracy theories, and as much as I hate to admit it, I think he may have passed some of that onto me. No, I’m not crazy and I understand that conspiracies aren’t always reality, but sometimes you can’t help but question certain things. I think that there’s something much bigger going on than this virus, and this just happens to be a great way to instill fear in people so we are more willing to give up rights; but I digress.

I decided to work on my woman cave yesterday. I might as well have a space that I love to be in if we have to quarantine for weeks! It honestly will be nice to spend time with my boyfriend and the cats; I feel like it’s good for humanity to take a step back and remember what is truly important in life. I don’t want to just sulk around when all of this is happening- I feel it is important to stay positive and keep looking at the bright side.

It is what it is.

I bought a roundtrip flight to Denver for the end of April a few days ago and have zero regrets. I know there are a lot of travel restrictions right now, and I know there are bans on large gatherings in places, but I am not scared to go to Denver- worst case they cancel my flight and I lose out on $75, but I couldn’t care less.

I’m honestly annoyed by the mass hysteria and still confused about the toilet paper shortage and it’s making me so crabby and bitchy and I hate it. I don’t want to let other people have an effect on my attitude, but I literally am so disappointed in humanity right now.

I’m upset that idiots have gone out and decided to buy up all the toilet paper/tissues/clorox wipes/etc. I am also upset that my friends who are mothers are struggling to find baby wipes and formula because those who were fortunate enough to be able to panic buy in bulk didn’t think about the other humans on this planet.

I’m tired of the politics behind the virus as well, and how coincidentally all of these flus/viruses such as swine flu and ebola all come out around election time (which reminds me, don’t forget to vote in the primary’s Tuesday)! I think it’s stupid for anyone in power to shut down all businesses and ban the sale of guns/ammunition. I think that there are too many things being done that actually have nothing to do with the virus, and I feel people are using it as a way to fear monger and also pass unnecessary laws.

I feel for my server friends out there who rely on tips for their bills. I also feel for the employees of grocery stores who have to deal with angry, demanding assholes. Luckily they still have jobs, but their hours are being cut left and right as businesses close early or change hours as they have no time to re-stock. I can only imagine what nurses and doctors and other healthcare staff are going through right now. I feel lucky to still have a job during this time, and am grateful that I have money saved as well.

I want to stop having such a cynical, angry mindset about this whole thing. I need to focus more on what I do have and what I’m thankful for during this interesting time in the world. If we have a mandatory quarantine, at least I’ll be home with my best friend and my cats. ♡