Stressed, but blessed

On Thursday night I hit a patch of icy snow in my car which caused it to veer out of control and my tire went off the road and the control arm snapped. Luckily no airbags deployed and I was the only one involved and I am not injured. My car, however, has over $7000 of damage (thank goodness for insurance).

Today my cat woke my boyfriend and I up and he was acting weird, and he had thrown up twice. I ended up taking him into the vet because last time I thought something was wrong it escalated fast and he had high kidney counts and a urinary blockage. This time around his PH levels in his urine are high, but kidney levels are normal. He does have a urinary blockage again, but he’s doing better and we will just have him on a prescription diet the rest of his life. We will be able to bring him home tomorrow if all goes as planned.

So far this year has taken an interesting turn, but I am truly blessed that everyone is okay. Of course my pockets are hurting a bit (the vet bill is over $1000), but money is just money, and there are more important things to stress about. Luckily, I will be starting my new job soon and will be making more money so I can pay off my credit card again ASAP.

I’m trying to keep positive spirits with everything being thrown my way, but I do have my moments where it’s all a bit overwhelming. I just remind myself that we’re all human, I am allowed to feel that way.

Late night post

Changes may be coming, which is quite fitting for a new year. I had a phone interview for a new job last week and am going to be setting up an in person interview sometime this week! It would be for more pay and more responsibilities, and I am feeling very hopeful. The woman who interviewed me on the phone told me she was impressed with my experience, so we will see!

I’ve been having fun crafting still! I slowed down a bit since the holidays just ended, but I already have ideas ready for some (near) future projects! I’ve had some supportive friends order from me, and it honestly is such a nice feeling. I appreciate all of my friends and family, and their support of my crafting page.

I haven’t really come up with a “new years resolution,” but I am working on patience and finding inner peace. I am learning how to focus on the positive and be kinder to myself, which in turn should help me be kinder to others; not that I am mean to others, I just find myself judging others more than I’d like to admit.

Self-reflection is important if you want to improve and progress in life, but sometimes it can be a hard pill to swallow.

Proud

Yesterday I was able to talk my way through an issue of mine which made me feel proud. I was actually reflecting on my attitude from Friday and earlier that morning when I realized how quickly certain symptoms come back when I forget to take my medication (I realized I forgot it Friday and then Saturday morning so I took it right after I had this realization).

When I don’t take my medication, I quickly go back to being very irritable which is my main symptoms of anxiety. I get easily overwhelmed and I start re-prioritizing without sound thinking which in turn overwhelms me more.

Long story short, the sink had dishes, the garbage in the kitchen was full, and I had laundry to do. Mind you, it’s like 10am and I don’t have any other plans for the day, so it wasn’t a big deal, but to me without medication, it’s a HUGE deal! I always have this problem where if there’s something I have control over and I don’t control it I start having negative self talk and everything feels like the end of the world.

Later on I started talking to my boyfriend about it because I kept saying how I wanted to find the root issue as to why I am this way, and all I could remember is that I always had to finish my homework before I could go outside. Now that may not sound like a big thing, and it teaches kids priorities and responsibilities when you have them finish school work before they can play with their friends, but my mind got stuck in that pattern.

In my unmedicated mind, I have to do the dishes/laundry/garbage right away before I can move on and do anything else because those are things that HAVE to be done; but would it really make a difference if I did it two hours later? or six hours later? Or broke up the tasks? No, it really wouldn’t. Lucky for me, I was able to realize this.

As a child, I wasn’t given the option to do homework later after dinner or after playing outside, so I had no way to know if doing it at another time would affect my grades or really anything. For as long as I can remember, anytime I change up a routine I get super anxious and I’m just on edge because I have no idea really what to expect. I like having routine and knowing my tasks and following them because that means (to me) that everything will likely be safe and sound.

I know this is all a minuscule issue compared to many others associated with anxiety disorder, but for me to make this connection/realization and be able to actually take a second and think “why do I feel like this?” is something to be proud of! When in an anxious state of mind it is hard to pause and rationalize, but it is so important to do- even if it is minutes, hours or even days later.

The only way to move forward is to address the triggers from the past, face them, and keep walking.

Tomorrow: 12/21/2020

For those who don’t know, there will be a “Great Conjunction” tomorrow, and people I follow on my astrology twitter have had nothing but good things to say! It is an alignment of the stars, and what’s happening tomorrow is that Saturn and Jupiter will be the closest they’ve been to one another since 1623!

A lot of what I’ve been reading is that this shift will bring great positivity and optimism, and we should be focused on setting our intentions now. We should be focusing on our goals and manifesting great things for our futures! My I plan to focus on expanding my skills with my Cricut and continuing to spread joy and positivity to those who are important to me.

Again, I don’t know much about astrology and what not just yet, but I’m always down to focus on positivity and having a good mindset. I mean they say “fake it til you make it!” and honestly it can’t hurt when your goal is to be happy!

Random afternoon post

Just chilling in my car on my lunch break since none of us can eat in the break room (too many people without masks), and reflecting on the fact that every Thursday I am supposed to leave at 5 and always end up staying until 5:30-6pm due to how busy we are… unfortunately I don’t think today will be much different.

The good thing is I’m off tomorrow and am dropping off a surprise pre-christmas gift to my best friend and her son, so I’m excited about that! Also a good friend of mine is going to come visit and I get to give her the gift I made for her! It’s a cute Margarita glass with a mini margarita for her!

I’m loving the Christmas season this time around as I’ve said before, but I am genuinely happy being able to make all these gifts for people and it’s so fun! I can’t wait to see everyone’s reactions to their presents. I’ve attached the margarita photo to this post- let me know what you think!

I want to be off of my meds.

Lately I’ve been feeling good, which I’m sure has a lot to do with my medication. I’ve been on a low dose of Cymbalta for about 5 months or so now, and it has been the best anxiety medication I’ve tried. I only take 20mg daily, but I’m also very sensitive to medications so it has made a whole world of a difference.

The last weekend I had a somewhat irrational thought and was like “let’s see what it’s like if I don’t take my medication today,” and by the end of the day I was sobbing uncontrollably. To be fair, it probably wouldn’t have been that bad, but it was that time of the month, so I was I already more emotional than normal. Not really the greatest time to experiment with coming off my anxiety medication, my bad LOL.

My boyfriend helped me to calm down and made me realize that most of what I was experiencing likely had to do with my hormones, but I still know that the medication had something to do with it. The thing is though, my goal is to be off of my medication by February, and absolute latest would be by July. I haven’t been going to therapy but I haven’t really felt the need to either. I have been reading about empaths and highly sensitive people which has helped me to understand more about myself and be able to apply that to every day life.

I have also been very motivated in regards to making crafts/gifts for my friends and family! I am loving Christmas season this time around which is a great improvement from last year. I love that I got my Cricut and I am always using it. Of course or sucks when I make mistakes, but then I learn! Overall I have been feeling good, especially for it being winter. I am happy with the change I’ve seen in myself comparing how I was this time last year.

Manifest it

Today was self-care Sunday which mainly included being lazy around the house and playing with my cricut! I made a few small projects and I am so impressed with how easy this is to use! This is going to make Christmas so fun this year!

I am going to meet up with an old coworker/friend sometime soon so she can give me some old magazines so I can have some images for my vision board that I’d like to create! I want to start manifesting some greatness into my life, and what better way to start than getting a little crafty!

I want the board to have different themes in different parts of it such as a part for health/wellness and a part for wealth/financial goals, and I definitely want to include some inspirational mantras that I will constantly read. Some people swear they benefit from vision boards, and honestly it couldn’t hurt to try! Not to mention it’ll just be fun to create!

Below I’ll post the first project I made today, which is clearly not perfect, but please don’t judge and do as it says! LOL

Oh 2020…

This year has been a running joke for everyone. Nothing seems to be going right and the phrase “when it rains, it pours” is quite fitting as the theme of this year. We really all need to give ourselves a round of applause if we have made it this far.

After much debating and receiving a decent work bonus, I finally was able to purchase my Cricut Explore Air 2 Everything Bundle! Before that I paid off my credit card (again) and was feeling much more stable about finances and then… the furnace went out! Now my boyfriend and I have to drop $3500+ for a new furnace which of course isn’t ideal… but luckily for us he was just offered a promotion at work and he is receiving a pretty significant raise.

The past couple weeks at work have been hella stressful and overwhelming as the manager is training a bunch of new people so we are short-staffed at the front desk while she’s doing that. Not to mention we’re super busy so we’ve been falling so behind on scanning/prior authorizations etc. So in general I’ve been more on edge and irritable so when the furnace went out I was honestly quite livid. I just got angry and upset and I cried and it just felt like too much was going on.

After sitting and talking with my boyfriend about our options and getting a plan together, I am feeling much better and am just grateful that we have each other and that we’ve worked hard so we are able to do certain things when needed. We are We have to remember to count our blessings and try to focus on the good things. We have a roof over our heads, we are able to feed ourselves, we have clean running water… these are all wonderful things that are a privilege to have.

2020 has been quite a test on everyone, and it’s not over yet… but let’s try to take some good lessons out of this insane year. Your mindset is powerful, and even if you have to “fake it ‘til you make it,” it is important that we try to keep a positive mindset during these troublesome times. Our mind is powerful.

Irritable (WARNING: strong language)

I’ve been letting my emotions and judgements get the better of me these past couple days and I am honestly upset with myself. I’ve been rude and snippy towards my boyfriend who has done nothing wrong, all because I’m aggravated with a friend when I probably don’t even need to be!

I feel like an asshole being irritated with my friend because I’ve been making assumptions due to the lack of communication which has in turn just made me mad when I don’t even know if I have anything to be mad about!

I did some reflecting yesterday after a conversation with my boyfriend, because I wanted to figure out when my attitude went bad, and I pin-pointed it back to when my dress for my friend’s wedding arrived in the mail. The reason I got so upset is because I may not even need or be able to wear this dress as my friend may be cancelling the ceremony.

In reality, I am allowed to have feelings and be upset and angry, but why am I doing that? The coronavirus is around which obviously has made event planning a million times harder, and things are ever changing when it comes to the lockdowns. She is the one having to plan a wedding during all of this, I should be sympathetic towards her (which I am now). I am thankful that I do not have to be dealing with all of that stress right now.

Since now I probably sound like a total bitch I can explain why I was angry about her possibly cancelling the ceremony. Less than two months ago we were discussing everyone ordering their dresses for the bridal party, and she was overwhelmed and wanted someone else to take it over, so I did without any hesitation! I talked with one of the other bridesmaids and figured out how we all have to order so that it is guaranteed all our dresses are the same exact color, and we picked a date to order!

I informed the bride of when we were all ordering, and we did so as planned. The reason I was upset is because literally two weeks after we ordered is when the bride told me that they’re likely just doing a courthouse wedding and a small celebration afterwards. I was upset because I had just taken this over, got it all done for her, and I felt like she hadn’t been communicating and just dropped this on me. Not to mention I could definitely use that $90 back, but it’s whatever.

For all I know, they didn’t have that decision in their mind back when we placed the order, and that is why I am upset with myself for letting it get me so angry to the point that I was taking it out on someone who doesn’t deserve it. I need to work on being less judgmental and catching/stopping myself when I’m making assumptions. I mean, we all know what they say about assumptions…

Social media break

I’ve decided to take some time away from Facebook and Twitter, as the constant hatred is disheartening to watch and absorb, and I refuse to become bitter like most the people I see on the internet. I have control over what I take in and what I do with my time, and lately I’ve been feeling like social media has been a waste of time.

I love the idea of keeping in touch with old friends and distant family, but when people are constantly putting down others for having different opinions or views it makes you wonder if it’s really worth it. I’ve found myself “muting” and “unfollowing” many people’s feeds because the never ending negativity is becoming too much.

I appreciate productive, respectful conversations and I feel that we as humans can accomplish so much more when we listen to each other and try to learn from one another, rather than listening to speak and in hopes to “win” the conversation or argument. It just seems lately that has been hard to find in my social media bubbles.

I want to take this time to look inward and work on myself, as everyone can make improvements.