Growth.

I feel so very blessed every day to have such an amazing man in my life. I am always blown away when I think about the fact that we met at the age of 16, started our relationship together, and here we are 10+ years later still happily in love. I won’t sit and pretend that we didn’t have fights or hardships, I mean when you’re a teenager isn’t everything just a bit dramatic? Maybe not necessarily, but our brains were still very much under-developed and my emotional control was, well, much less controlled. I’m so thankful that he has stayed with me through my mental struggles and has never once made me feel like a burden. He is so patient with me and always makes me feel so loved, and for that I am forever grateful.

I remember moving out together at age 19- I had finally been able to escape my chaotic childhood home and be out on my own under my own rules. Little did I know that this would only exacerbate my anxiety at the time, as well as my depression. I’d sit and cry about how I had everything that I wanted, yet I felt like my brain was on fire, yet completely numb all at the same time. I was so upset that I didn’t feel “happy.” I’d tell my boyfriend how much I loved him and I loved our life together, all of which was 100% true, but that I still felt sad and almost empty or un-fulfilled. I just could not understand why I was feeling so empty and why I couldn’t just be happy there in those important moments of my life.

Now after many years of therapy (and ongoing therapy), I know that it is because my nervous system was used to being in a certain state, and now that I no longer was in an environment to keep it stimulated in that way, my brain was finding other ways to it. I could not sit still and relax. Period. I always felt the need to be doing something, and if I knew something needed to be done, it needed to be done right away. I always felt like I was racing the clock; I couldn’t even allow myself to just lay in bed or relax on the weekends. I always felt stressed and rushed, and I also felt like I was just doing this to myself which only made me angrier and hate myself and my brain more. If I did allow myself to physically relax, then my brain would just start going; how can you sit here when you could be doing x, y, and/or z? Why aren’t you doing this, that or the other thing? But why? I finally was in a space where I could control what would happen around me…but that control became obsessive.

Honestly, I am still learning how to deal with my anxiety and control issues; I see my therapist every 3-4 weeks and am actively trying to re-wire my brain with better habits. I have come a long way from where I was when I was 19, and again I feel so blessed that my boyfriend has been with me through all of this. When my anxiety was at its worst, I was so irritable and angry all the time and I took it out on him, because he was the only one around. I didn’t want to be mean to him, and then I’d feel guilty and sad about it because I was hurting the person who was sitting here loving and caring about me. I knew I didn’t want to do that anymore, and that was when I reached out and started my long journey of seeing therapists and trying different medications that got me where I am today: unmedicated and still actively going to therapy. I no longer feel constantly irritable or like I am running out of time, and I take time to sit and appreciate everything around me.

I am so proud of where I am now compared to seven years ago. I am so proud of where I am from when I started this blog compared to now. My goal with this blog was to learn how to love myself, and I truly feel that I have learned how to do that. There is still so much work to do, but it doesn’t feel so overwhelming anymore… it actually is kind of fun! I am going to continue on this journey so that I can develop more healthy habits, learn more about myself and my brain, and hopefully make myself better so that I am less likely to pass on my traumas to my future children. To anyone reading who feels super anxious or overwhelmed with life, just know that it can be a long journey, but it is a worthwhile journey. You deserve to take care of yourself and understand yourself.

Wishing you all a happy and healthy new year!

Labor Day

I cannot believe it’s already Labor Day… I feel like we already lost out on a whole year (2020) but now I’m like how is it about to be 2022??? In my timeline of life, ideally I would want to be getting pregnant this time next year with my first baby and already be married, but my boyfriend is still not my fiancé yet so we will see how that’s goes LOL.

Honestly I am happy with how life is going, and I want to keep this timeline in mind as motivation to keep me working out and eating healthier. I want to be much more healthy and fit by the time that I get pregnant/have children so that I can teach them how to have healthy habits as they grow up. I also know it may take a while to get pregnant, or I may find out I cannot get pregnant, in which case it will still be better to be healthy incase I have to try IVF.

I don’t want that to come off as negative or worried about the worst case, I truly just look at that as something normal that can happen, along with miscarriages! I think the problem is we weren’t really taught that in health class or in any type of schooling that 1 in 4 women have a miscarriage and a lot also struggle with infertility issues. I feel like since I’m very aware of that and have friends who have gone through all of the above, that is just something I’m (somewhat) mentally prepared for.

Overall there are obviously more reasons to want to get healthy and get stronger, but I am going to try to keep this in mind as the months and years keep flying by. I’m the only person who can make these changes and make healthy habits for myself, and my future self and children deserve it!

July

July is my favorite month. It is my birthday month which may have a little to do with it, but overall I just love being in the sun! This year I am busy every weekend; I’m visiting family and friends in far(ish) places, I’m in a wedding in a couple of weeks, and then I get to celebrate my 26th birthday at the end of the month!

I always feel more motivated in the summer, and I need to use this fuel to create discipline and habits. I keep reading about how people wait for motivation to do things, and how terrible it is to do that because us humans are not always motivated; we have to be disciplined.

We’re not always going to be motivated to go to the gym or eat healthy, but we know it’s what is good for our physical and mental health. I’m not saying never have a cookie or a bowl of mac & cheese, but be mindful about the decisions and make a better choice for the next meal, or work out for an extra 30 minutes.

I’ve been doing arm workouts at home every other day, and I’ve been going to the gym a bit more frequently. With it being so nice out I’ve been at the pool a few times already this summer, and I’ve been going on more walks which is also great for my mental (and physical) health. I would like to be disciplined in good habits before I get married and pregnant, so I’m trying to keep that in mind.

Anyways, July is going to be a great month! Manifest it and finesse it!