An Off Day

Today just felt off, and honestly yesterday did too. I’m trying to be positive and remind myself that I’m allowed to rest and take breaks, but it’s not always easy. Today it’s 100 degrees outside and I started not feeling the greatest towards the end of my shift, so I ended up skipping the gym. I’ve been sleeping a lot more these past couple of days and I need to listen to my body.

I can’t help but feel guilty about it, and I’m trying to figure out why. Why am I so hard on myself? Is it because going to the gym is within my control and I’m not doing it? I already told myself that I’m going to the gym to feel better and be healthier, getting obsessive over it is not healthy! Honestly though, I’m stressed about life shit too.

We recently got a letter from our lovely homeowners association and they’re requiring some expensive work to be done. It’s annoying and honestly would never recommend anyone to live where there is an HOA. At a time where inflation is ridiculous, we’d rather not spend thousands of dollars on stuff that isn’t really that important (to us, but to them it’s not cosmetically pleasing), but we unfortunately don’t have that choice right now. I think the anxiety is coming from the fact that we don’t know what the pricing looks like yet, and I always have anxiety around money.

I am trying to remind myself that money comes and goes, and luckily my boyfriend and I are both working and are able to pay all of our bills. We truly are blessed and I am grateful for this every single day; I just need to keep reminding myself to turn to gratitude.

It’s not a bad life, it’s just a rough couple of days. I always come out of it and I will do the same this time. Day by day, I will learn to give myself grace, and I will learn how to be patient with myself. This is all part of the journey.

Some Stress

Well today was an interesting day to say the least, however I want to start off this post with saying how grateful I am to have such a wonderful man in my life who knows how to help me when I’m having anxiety. I am also blessed that he’s so calm and knows how to fix things (or can learn quickly from youtube), and that we are able to afford to fix things when they break.

This morning our hot water tank went out, so we had to purchase one of those and are going to be installing that here shortly. I did originally start to get upset and irritable because I started having money fears as I usually do. I had no clue how much it would be to fix and I started feeling my brain start spiraling down into how we will just always have more and more expenses coming up.

Luckily I was able to calm down when my boyfriend said he wasn’t worried about it, and I was able to remind myself that we can only take it day by day, and today we need to solve this issue. We were happy to find out that the water tank was on the lower end of the price scale, and if we can install it then we don’t have that expense of labor to pay! We are lucky to live in a time where we have access to instant information at our fingertips.

I was still able to see my mom today for Mother’s Day, which was nice. We were able to go for a walk and I helped her by going with her to the grocery store. Unfortunately she is drinking more alcohol again which of course was not what I wanted to hear, but it is what it is and unfortunately there’s not much I can do. It’s her life, she will do what she wants and I cannot take on any responsibility or feelings of guilt for that. All so can do is wish her well and be grateful for our current time together.

She also shared some other not-so-great family updates with me, so I’d say today was filled with a lot of negative emotion and energy. I have been reminding myself of what I can control and also reminding myself that spending time on negative energy and spending time worrying will not improve my current situation. However, focusing on gratitude and what I can control will help me.

It’s helpful that I feel like I am able to slow down my thoughts now and truly calm down before having outbursts of anger; I can tell I still have work to do, but it’s much more bearable now. I am grateful for the progress I’ve been able to make with my mental health, and I know I can only get better from here!

Growing

As I am growing, I am learning that I need to stop muting myself. What I mean by that is I often won’t say what I’m feeling in fear of hurting others, but in reality I know my intention behind my thoughts and I’m never trying to be malicious at all. People even often tell me how nice I am and how I’m great at talking to people, but I don’t always feel that way with the people closest to me.

I just saw this post that said “Let’s normalize asking questions for clarity, instead of moving based on the story you’ve created in your mind, which may not be true;” I feel like I want that from my friends, but how I can expect that when I don’t do it! I want to start vocalizing when I have questions or thoughts that come up, so that I don’t sit with them and ruin my own inner peace or growth.

For example, one of my good friends recently reached out and asked if she could express something without causing problems/drama, and of course I said yes. The conversation went well and we are good, but now I am the one who is wanting to express my feelings about it and I feel like a scared little kid who is avoiding confrontation.

I know that my feelings are valid and I also know I can express my thoughts without being an asshole, but at the same time I never know how people will react and that is what gives me the anxiety. I would hate to unintentionally make someone upset, but at the same time, I can’t make myself upset by holding in all these feelings/thoughts.

My boyfriend has always been very direct and he’s still very polite and easy to talk to- and I don’t just mean with me, I mean with all our friends and family as well. He always asks questions when he wants clarification because he knows he’s not trying to hurt anyone, he’s just trying to understand; and that’s my goal as well! Talking to him definitely helps, but if anyone else has any tips or tricks, please feel free to comment!

Late/Tired

It’s late, but I didn’t want to not write at all. I had a good weekend, seeing friends and enjoying time with my boyfriend. I have been watching trash tv (LOL my guilty pleasure is Are You The One on MTV), and it’s honestly been so relaxing.

I have been still practicing the art of gratitude daily and really focusing on the positive side of things, and I can tell an overall difference in my mood. It may we a weird way to describe it, but I feel lighter. Like I just feel as if I am carrying less worry and less stress, and it makes me want to continue on this path.

For now I am going to rest as I have to work early tomorrow- I hope everyone has a great week ahead!

Sick

Well I’ve been sick since about Thursday. I’ve had multiple negative covid tests (mainly for work as I didn’t really think I had it). Every year when the weather changes I get bad post-nasal drip which turns into a sore throat, then a cough and into a sinus infection! Honestly it’s terrible, and I’m just trying to rest and drink plenty of fluids and take vitamins.

I don’t have insurance right now due to my job transition, so I don’t plan on going to the doctor for this. I’m hoping I’ll start feeling better soon, as I’m not trying to get sent home from work or told to get a doctor’s note. My insurance should be active in a couple of weeks, so of course all of this was bound to happen right now. I am blessed that it isn’t covid though, and I’m happy that I have had this weekend to rest and hydrate.

I was able to get a little bit of crafting done for my next shop drop on October 15th, which makes me feel good since I’ve been pretty tired. I had planned to go to the dollar tree and michael’s today, but I honestly don’t want to go into any stores right now. I know it’s not covid and I’ll have a mask on, but I know I’ll still feel all self-conscious if I cough or something and don’t want everyone freaking out. I’m also exhausted so I really don’t feel like going out.

If anyone has any tips for natural or over-the-counter remedies that have worked for them for cough/sinus infection I am all ears! I hope everyone else is well.

Sunny Sunday!

It’s such a beautiful day outside, yet I’ve been inside most of the day organizing and cleaning the house. Honestly it feels great, and I still have time to go on a walk as it’s only 2:30pm. I also did some crafting today; I made a couple of canvases for my living room.

I’ve been feeling like getting off of social media again. I got back on Facebook for my small business and I am back to scrolling a lot. Today I logged out so that when I pull up the app I can stop and decide if I am going on there for business or not and just get back off. Twitter is where I spend a lot of time and truly it’s kind of a hellhole, but the astrology people on there are interesting to me LOL! I like reading that stuff even if some people don’t think it’s real, I truly think it just helps with self-reflection and being aware.

I still haven’t made a decision about work, which I guess means I may be staying where I am? To be fair, my current job told me they had to talk to some people and I wouldn’t hear much until next week. Part of me still is hesitant to stay because of the drive and I don’t want to be wasting all of my time, but also the insurance is much more affordable at this job. It’s just stressful to think about, and my boyfriend’s HR won’t get back to him on if we need to be married or need a civil union or whatever. I’m honestly not really focusing on that right now, I’m trying to get the house clean and start preparing for my first crafting “drop!”

I’ve been really proud of myself for how I’ve been managing all of this stress while also no longer being on anxiety medication! It’s been over 6 weeks now, and I am honestly feeling really good! I feel my emotions again, but I also feel like I am 100% gaining more control over them. I’ve been focusing more on gratitude which is helping me to get through the negative situations. It is a lot of practice and it’s hard, but creating healthy habits is important, and I want to do this for myself.

I also am going to be more mindful about how I eat and how active I am, as I want to be healthy. I want to starting trying to have children within the next couple years, and I want to make sure that I am active and get into healthy habits so that I can continue them postpartum, and teach them to my children as well. What I choose to do today affects my future self, and I need to be mindful of that

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What to do

I have this itch to start doing something new, like youtube or streaming. My boyfriend and I have talked about doing a podcast type thing together or a reaction video channel, but I think I have a fear of both failure and even success. It would suck to put a bunch of time and effort into something for it to flop or not be fun, but it would also be insane if it took off for some reason and then you have to keep up with that.

I’ve always wanted to do things to help people deal with their mental health, but I also feel like I am not in a position to help people when I’m still learning how to help myself. Humor and making people laugh can also help those give a relief of pain for a while, so maybe we should just start with reaction videos.

Another thing is I’ve always enjoyed singing, but not many people have heard me sing. I have thought about singing and posting that too, but also I’m hesitant. A part of me wants to re-download tik tok because simple one minute or less videos sounds much easier and quicker, but I also feel like I will waste a bunch of time scrolling.

I don’t know I just feel motivated, but also not because I’m clearly not focused and don’t know exactly what I want to do. I just need to do something!

Calm and content.

Well it’s Tuesday at 11:08pm and I just remembered that I still hadn’t posted here yet. I’d like to say I’ve been busy and motivated, which I guess is somewhat true, but also I feel like I haven’t been doing anything. I mean I’ve been working and then just hanging with my boyfriend. We did grab lunch with a couple friends on Sunday which was nice.

I’ve been enjoying my time with my boyfriend, and we actually went looking at rings over the weekend to give him some ideas (his suggestion)! I am so happy to be spending my life with him, and although I’m excited for the proposal, I don’t want to know anything about it. I don’t care where it is, who is there, if it’s photographed or not… I just want it to be a surprise.

He had asked me recently if I wanted the proposal to be in front of people or if I wanted it to be just us and I told him I didn’t care. I honestly feel like it being just us makes the most sense, I mean we are each other’s best friend and it’s always just us two, but again I won’t care either way.

I’ve kind of enjoyed just slowing down a bit this past week and moving into this week. It gives me time to appreciate things a bit more as I feel like I can take time to observe and take everything in. I am seeing my therapist this Friday and I honestly am excited, because I feel like I’m in a good headspace so we can start digging into more parts of my brain.

I’m getting tired as I type this, so I’ll close this off. I honestly was planning to write more, but I didn’t even make my weekly Sunday post this week sooooo no promises.

Not having a great time

I’m still having issues with my health; random nausea and this morning I was having random sharp cramping. I can’t remember if I said but mother nature finally made her appearance 13 days late, which was a relief in a way, but also it’s sounding like my next step might be a GI doctor.

I have a follow up appointment on Monday at 8am, but it has to be Telehealth since I’ve been vomiting (even with my negative covid test). I feel like they’re just going to tell me go to the GI doctor; honestly I do have a fear of being diagnosed with Crohn’s disease. But I do need to take care of myself, so I will listen to what the doctor says on Monday.

I’ve been having a rough mental health day/week. Today I was bawling my eyes out in the car with my boyfriend because I feel like I’m constantly ruining everyone’s plans. My best friend got married yesterday and the plan was for everyone to go to the bar after the dinner, and unfortunately I felt like garbage after dinner and a couple drinks so I went home after dinner.

I felt terrible about that and then I also ruined planed with another friend today. She was supposed to come over with a couple other people for wedding crafts, and I forgot that my boyfriend wanted to go see a car that was an hour away from home, which messed up the plans. Then we also forgot that we had an appointment at 2pm for someone to come out and measure for our windows to be replaced, but luckily we made it back in time.

The other thing was my boyfriend had an appointment to see that car at 12pm, and his brother stayed over last night and we wanted breakfast this morning. When we went to breakfast it took a little longer than normal because it was busy, and then we were late to the 12pm by almost an hour. When we got there, we were told they just sold that car five minutes prior. So then I felt even more like shit.

I just haven’t been myself and I’ve been super stressed and I feel like I’ve been holding a lot in that I just need to let out. I’m so annoyed and frustrated with myself, but my boyfriend was saying how he gets so upset when I’m so hard on myself and how he wasn’t even upset with me or anything. I just have been completely out of it lately with everything going on with my health too.

Anyways, I’m just so exhausted and I’m really needing to just push through this shit. Tomorrow is going to be sunny and 60 degrees, so I need to make sure I go on a walk. I also am going to grocery shop and get some healthy options, as I need to start treating my body better. I’m excited to spend the rest of the day just relaxing and spending time with my boyfriend. I’m ready to start feeling better and feeling more like myself.

More labs and a CT scan later

Still no answers. I look healthy as a horse, and am very much NOT pregnant as I have already known, but there’s still no answer as to why I’ve had all of these symptoms, including vomiting everyday (yes, today as well) for the past five days.

This morning I had some spotting and a constant ache on my right side/lower back. I decided to finally listen to my friends and go to the hospital for some testing just due to all of the other symptoms I’ve had. I had a urine and blood test immediately and was taken back to a room shortly after. The Dr. came in and said she wanted to do a CT due to the pain I was having,

I was in the hospital for about four hours total; this was my first time having a CT scan and I did not like it very much. When they had to push the contrast dye into the IV I felt so nauseated I thought I was going to throw up and pass out in that machine. Luckily that was not the case, and the results came back pretty quickly showing no abnormalities.

The Dr. sent me home with some zofran for nausea and told me they’d send my blood out for a thyroid test, but other than that they had no answers. I was very upset, but I didn’t let her know that. I just cried once I left and got to the car. It’s just so frustrating not knowing what’s wrong, but not only that, I now feel like I do know the answer: it’s me. I’m so stressed and anxious that I make myself physically ill. It’s happening again, even though mentally I don’t even feel as stressed as I have been.

To be fair, I don’t know 100% if that’s the case and it could also be terrible PMS at this point, but I truly feel defeated at this point. I’m just going to rest and go to work tomorrow with my nausea medication and move on with life.