Monday night post I guess

Today wasn’t bad, yet I find myself happy that it’s over. After getting more than ten hours of sleep last night I think my body is just begging for that again. I hate when I let myself sleep too long, but at the same time sometimes you truly do need it!

I don’t have a lot to say really, but I do want to share a couple photos that I took of my friend and her son as ghosts! She saw some trend about doing ghost pictures with friends and so we decided to do it but also include her 1.5 year old son! He really didn’t mind having the sheet over his head which was surprising!! LOL enjoy!

“ghost with style”

Self-care weekend

Yesterday was such a nice day, and it’s because I actually took time to do things that I like, and I was able to spend a lot of time with my boyfriend. Yesterday I was productive around the house in the aspect of doing laundry, dishes and taking out the garbage; then I decided to do some yoga.

Yesterday I even went on a walk in the rain because I wanted to go on a walk and was tired of being indoors. It’s been raining for the past week and it’s been exhausting, but I didn’t want to let that stop me. It was only sprinkling when I left for my walk, but at different points throughout the park it was raining pretty steadily. Nonetheless it was still really nice outside.

It’s 12:28pm right now and the sun is finally shining today!! I already went on my walk (my walk is about 2 miles according to my phone tracking me LOL). I also made myself some breakfast as I did yesterday. My go-to is two eggs over-easy/medium, bacon, and toast. I typically will drink orange juice with it if I have it, which I did today!

My boyfriend should be home soon from his personal training session so I’m going to ask him if he wants to get a late lunch later from one of our local sports bars because I kinda feel like putting on makeup and getting “dressed up” (aka maybe jeans instead of leggings/biker shorts LOL).

I hope everyone has a wonderful Sunday and finds time to do something that brings pure joy!

Self-reflecting

Something that I struggle with is staying motivated, and I’ve been feeling down about it lately. I also am upset with myself for my lack of hobbies/passions. I know that I have this blog, and I am proud of that, but there’s so much more that I want to be doing with my writing- I’m just not motivated.

I get mad at myself for being tired and for just laying in bed watching pointless tv, yet I have no desire to get up and work on bettering myself. I know life is hard right now for everyone with everything that’s going on in the world, and I’m sure I’m not the only person feeling this way, but that doesn’t make it any better because I am feeling everyone else’s depression.

I am a human, I am allowed to feel emotions, and I am still working on being able to differentiate the emotions of others; I need to stop being hard on myself. I mean, here I am writing again (even though I missed my regularly scheduled post) and I deserve to be proud of myself.

Tuesday post (whoops!)

I’m exhausted, but I need to post because I forgot to post the last two days and I am feeling so many things right now but am also too lazy to organize my thoughts or even type them all out. At this point I just feel like sleeping to escape from everything,

Work has been the easy part of life, even with it being a bit overwhelming at times. Now I’m just overwhelmed by my actual life, as I am in three weddings within the next year (pending Covid crap), and although I am excited and happy for my friends I’m just worried about losing myself again- I already feel like I am in a way.

I don’t even know how to explain it, I just feel off right now. I feel like I forget how to dedicate time to myself and I start neglecting myself when big things are happening for my friends. I start to feel what they feel on top of my own normal life stress, and then I exhaust myself.

I know that I can fix the self-care aspect of this… I just need to care about myself a little more. This tends to happen when I get lost in everything else going on around me. I just need to learn how to balance life a bit better and I need to be more self-disciplined when it comes to getting my ass out of bed to workout or stretch or write or do something for myself.

I honestly didn’t even want to write when I started this blog post, and I ended up writing more than I thought I would, and I even feel a little better than I did when I started. I guess I need to have a little more faith in myself.

New week

Well, this week should be interesting. Tomorrow is the start of my last two weeks at this job, and I plan to help the employees there and patients as much as I can in these next two weeks. Hopefully the doctor just leaves me alone to do my job.

If I am treated poorly or unfairly during my time, then I will gladly leave sooner. I am hopeful that things just go smoothly and I don’t have any unnecessary anxiety this week. I can’t wait to work in a less stressful environment with less overall pressure on me everyday.

I think the hardest part will be trying my best not to let everyone else’s emotions have an effect on me and really just setting firm boundaries. I’m done coming home from work completely exhausted and ready to go right to bed. I need time for myself and time to spend work my boyfriend.

We will see if I end up writing at all in the middle of this week- if I don’t then I will upset next Sunday. Until then I hope everyone has a great week ahead!

Glad it’s over

After several months of puking daily, being extremely stressed, and dealing with emotional abuse..I finally put in my two weeks to my boss yesterday. It didn’t go very great, which was expected, but I was a little shocked at how unprofessional she was. However, at the same time this is exactly why I’m leaving.

Quitting this job was a very tough decision for me to make, especially because I am very good at putting myself in other people’s shoes and I know how much I do for the office. But I’ve been throwing up every morning before work for several months, and my anxiety is completely out of control. Whenever I talk to my therapist (which I am super excited to talk to her next Friday) we always talk about how toxic she is and my work environment is and how many hours I spend there. I’ve been so depressed lately and I can’t handle her constant outbursts.

When I gave her my resignation letter I was obviously nervous and I knew she would be upset, but I had to do it and I waited for everyone else to be out of the office. She told me that she wished I would have told her sooner that I was unhappy (even though she knew I was throwing up because we talked about it more than once). She also said I know she’s losing one of her assistants in August and another is going on maternity leave in October and that it’s going to be impossible to find someone in two weeks (which is hard, but I have to do what’s best for my health).

I told her I had no ill intentions, even though she is literally the reason I’m leaving, and she said that she wouldn’t have paid me all that overtime if I didn’t want it and that she’s just “so nice to everyone” and everyone just screws her over. She is clearly delusional because she is NOT a nice person. She has literally yelled at me on multiple occasions for simply doing my job! I was entering insurance checks at 7:30am because the day before I didn’t have time to do it, and she came over asking to see them before I enter them so I started handing them to her and I let her know I set some aside because she recently came out of network with them and she just snaps and yells “I got the mail! Just let me deal with the mail!!” and stormed off.

Anyways, I also told her that I just need to work on myself and she literally said to me “Yeah, you need to work on yourself because you’re going to be your own worst doom.” I already feel that way and know that I am my own worst enemy, and her saying that to me was completely inappropriate. I am leaving in a professional manner, and two weeks is a courtesy! I’ve been there a little over a year and we have literally had eight people come and go, and before I started she literally had a new front desk person every other month for years! Maybe she should look at the common denominator.

At the end she told me to give her my keys and to “forget about Saturday,” because I was supposed to have to work tomorrow (which I’m glad I don’t have to!) and after I got home she text me that I am already at 39.77 hours for the week so not to come in today. And at work she told one of my coworkers that we (her employees) need to learn how to manage our stress. She is the one who takes out all her stress/issues on us and makes us so anxious! I’m not the only one who has thrown up at work because of anxiety! She also told my other coworker that she didn’t understand why I’m leaving because she was never bad to me.

She is clearly not very aware of her actions and how she comes across, or she’s very much in denial, but either way she needs to do some self-reflecting and this is not my issue to deal with. I have my own life and my own health to worry about. Putting in my notice and dealing with her reaction was probably one of the most stressful times in my life, and I am just glad it’s over.

So many feelings

I accepted a job offer today.

I feel a lot of things right now, but I think the feeling I hate the most is guilt. Even though I have zero reason to feel guilty, I always do. I feel guilty that my boss will be blind-sided when I give my notice, I feel guilty that so many things won’t get done around the office now and that the other employees will suffer. The thing is though… she is the reason I’m leaving.

My boss is emotionally abusive. She will have random mood swings and just stat screaming at you (even in front of patients sometimes), and then 30 minutes later act like nothing happened and everything’s fine. She will tell you to do one thing and then a month later she’ll yell at you for doing that same thing. I won’t go into other details but let’s just say I don’t enjoy lying at all in any circumstance and I feel that I am forced to do that in my job.

The new job I’m taking is actually a pay cut in regards to hourly wage, however they offer monthly bonuses which are very often achieved and I’d have other people working front desk with me and there’s a billing team who deals with all of the insurance. Honestly, it will be so worth it for my sanity and mental health to be in a place where there is organization, opportunity for growth, and a place where they try not to burn out their employees.

It was a big decision to make, and honestly I am proud of myself for doing it. I know that I am good with my money and will be able to adjust to the pay-cut, and I will be so much less stressed and depressed. All I do now is go to work and stress all day, rarely ever eat, and then I come home, eat and lay in bed and watch mindless Netflix shows. I don’t feel motivated to do much of anything until the weekends, and even then sometimes I feel like I’m forcing myself to do things.

I am very grateful for my friends/family/boyfriend who have been supportive throughout this and who are also proud of me for making this decision. They see what this job has done to me in the past several months and are almost as happy as I am that I will hopefully be done throwing up every morning before work.

New medication (again)

On Friday I had an appointment with a psychiatrist that my therapist referred me to, and after an hour long discussion of me quickly describing my life childhood to now and explaining how I’ve felt on all of my previous and current medications he prescribed Cymbalta. I am to wean off my Buspar for the next couple weeks while starting the new one which I just started yesterday.

I am more hopeful with this medication; now that I’ve tried a few others and was able to self-reflect and then inform an educated physician about my experiences I feel like there’s more of a chance of success compared to when I first started with medications. I remember seeing a psychiatrist for the first time and talking to her for 20 minutes about how I was feeling and she put me on Zoloft right away. And when I wanted to come off of it after almost nine months she told me I needed to stay on it for a year. Well I didn’t listen and took myself off of it and stayed away from medications for a while.

When I started having almost daily panic attacks and chest pains I decided to see my primary care and was prescribed Lexapro which I had a weird delayed allergic reaction to and then was switched to Prozac. I felt like that was helpful for a while until we increased the dose and I felt like things were getting worse (I had lots of racing thoughts which didn’t help my anxiety at all), and I realized that I had been having side effects that I didn’t like the entire time I was on prozac, they just weren’t as severe as when we increased the dose.

When I explained that to the primary care doctor I was switched to an anxiety only (rather than an antidepressant) medication called Buspar which is what I am now currently weaning off of. This medication I honestly feel like it hasn’t done anything. I felt reassured when I saw this new doctor on Friday and he told me that many colleagues of his rarely saw good results for anxiety patients that medication.

Overall I am hopeful as I previously stated-lately I’ve been so down and unmotivated to do anything which is really bumming me out. I know I should just try faking it until I make it but I just feel so tired all the time. Hopefully I won’t be feeling this way much longer.

Rough day

My cat is in the animal hospital and will be overnight for some bladder issues. I really don’t feel like writing it all out right now because I feel like all day has been me updating close friends and family. I just feel exhausted.

Yesterday was so different- I felt like I actually had a good day. I was able to work out a deal with my car dealership and leasing company to end up in a new 2020 Sonata yesterday, and I also got an eye exam and was told that my contact prescription had no changes (which is the first time in 10+ years that I’ve been told that).

This year literally feels like a joke – whenever something good happens it seems like terrible things always seem to follow. Hopefully this will be soon and I can just sit and relax and not have to worry about anything for a minute.

Dark world

I didn’t write on Sunday, and I’ve been beating myself up about it, but I can’t even do that because that was a very busy day. I was going to write yesterday, but after work I was too tired and drained. The world is so sad and dark right now and it’s hurting my soul. I just feel heavy and tired and always on the verge of tears.

I know I need to write about it, I just feel like there’s too much to say. My thoughts are always racing and jumbled and there’s so much going on and I feel so overwhelmed by my own brain. I had to delete my facebook and twitter (other than it sharing my blog post and stream automatically) for my own sanity, and I don’t plan on going back anytime soon. Constantly reading and soaking in all the negativity is seriously hurting my mental health, so I stopped.

A thought that continues to come into my head is that I am just grateful that I do not have children right now. On the phone the other day my mom apologized to me that I have to live in this shit world and that she always said she didn’t want kids for this reason. I reassured her that I’m okay, because I am; I can handle anything, it’s just hard right now.

I will admit I am scared. I’m scared of the state of this country as we watch it divide. It hurts me deeply to see other people have such lack of empathy for other human lives- and it can be for something as simple as having a different opinion. If people focused less on violence and hatred of those with opposing views, and focused on coming together, finding common ground, and working towards solutions I feel that we’d be in a much better world. I haven’t prayed in years… but I might just pray for that tonight.