I want to take this time to celebrate myself, because I feel like I haven’t taken time to sit and truly reflect on all of the work I have been doing. For over a year, I have been immersing myself in self-help podcasts and books and I have started to make and keep more promises to myself. I have started to take time to prioritize myself by taking time to move my body, even if somedays it is just ten minutes of stretching. I recently started reading a fiction book from an author I used to read all the time; honestly, it feels good to take a break from the self-help books. I am in the middle of a daily challenge that was at the end of the book I just read :”Disease to Please.” I am doing this at my own pace, as some of the challenges I feel require a bit more time, and I am okay with that. I also am better at reminding myself that prioritizing my health and my rest is essential for growth and healing, and that slow progress is still progress- after all, you can’t rush greatness! I am enjoying living slowly and prioritizing my peace, and I find myself being a lot more present in my interactions with friends and with the world around me. There’s something so freeing in slowing down, rather than constantly feeling like I am racing through life to some imaginary finish line.
I have become more self aware, which has been hard and rewarding at the same time. There was something I read in the people-pleasing book I read that really opened my eyes to why I am the way I am. There was a section in the book that was titled: “Adult Children of Alcoholic Parents,” and although it was only one page, it completely blew my mind. Within the page it discussed how children of alcoholic parents try to maintain control by being “good” and doing “nice” things in order to make parents happy and/or keep the peace. It also said the following: “Avoiding disapproval and criticism by keeping a low profile and not drawing parental attention become the safest means of childhood survival in alcoholic families.” After I read this, I immediately thought of how I hate having attention on me. I’ve never wanted a large wedding, I always say that when I have future baby showers I don’t want to open gifts in front of everyone… I have always hated having all eyes on me. This is probably also why I struggle to celebrate myself or share my wins or accomplishments with others. In life I maintain a low profile, and this is to avoid any unwanted attention, and also any unwanted confrontation.
Although I can appreciate the inner parts of me that are trying to protect me from the world, I also recognize how they are hindering me from stepping into my full potential. I don’t want to go through life trying to be invisible and quiet, instead I would like to be able to speak my mind and share my opinions, even if they differ from someone else’s. I am happy to say I have been more vocal when it comes to speaking out when I am bothered, and I am working on getting better at asking for help when I need it and learning about what my needs are. Since I had abandoned myself for so long, I realized that I don’t even know what I want/need from the relationships in my life outside of mine and my boyfriend’s. I have been lucky enough to grow with him throughout the years and we continue to learn about each other as we grow, but I haven’t had that same experience with my friendships or family relationships. I often would default to being “nice” and people-pleasing, rather than saying “no” to things and saying how I really felt, and that is something I refuse to do going forward.
Overall, I am proud of myself. I am prioritizing my health, both physical and mental. I am prioritizing my inner peace as I continue to regulate my nervous system. I am checking in with myself and setting my intentions, all while allowing myself to rest and reset. I am giving myself the grace I deserve as I continue to work through hard truths and emotions. I am showing up for me, for the first time in my life, and it feels good keeping these small promises to myself. And I know I can appear selfish or conceited to others on the outside, but what other people think of me is none of my business. The only approval I need is my own, the other person I care to impress is myself, and I will continue to progress and heal.
Sending love and healing to all who need it.