Glad it’s over

After several months of puking daily, being extremely stressed, and dealing with emotional abuse..I finally put in my two weeks to my boss yesterday. It didn’t go very great, which was expected, but I was a little shocked at how unprofessional she was. However, at the same time this is exactly why I’m leaving.

Quitting this job was a very tough decision for me to make, especially because I am very good at putting myself in other people’s shoes and I know how much I do for the office. But I’ve been throwing up every morning before work for several months, and my anxiety is completely out of control. Whenever I talk to my therapist (which I am super excited to talk to her next Friday) we always talk about how toxic she is and my work environment is and how many hours I spend there. I’ve been so depressed lately and I can’t handle her constant outbursts.

When I gave her my resignation letter I was obviously nervous and I knew she would be upset, but I had to do it and I waited for everyone else to be out of the office. She told me that she wished I would have told her sooner that I was unhappy (even though she knew I was throwing up because we talked about it more than once). She also said I know she’s losing one of her assistants in August and another is going on maternity leave in October and that it’s going to be impossible to find someone in two weeks (which is hard, but I have to do what’s best for my health).

I told her I had no ill intentions, even though she is literally the reason I’m leaving, and she said that she wouldn’t have paid me all that overtime if I didn’t want it and that she’s just “so nice to everyone” and everyone just screws her over. She is clearly delusional because she is NOT a nice person. She has literally yelled at me on multiple occasions for simply doing my job! I was entering insurance checks at 7:30am because the day before I didn’t have time to do it, and she came over asking to see them before I enter them so I started handing them to her and I let her know I set some aside because she recently came out of network with them and she just snaps and yells “I got the mail! Just let me deal with the mail!!” and stormed off.

Anyways, I also told her that I just need to work on myself and she literally said to me “Yeah, you need to work on yourself because you’re going to be your own worst doom.” I already feel that way and know that I am my own worst enemy, and her saying that to me was completely inappropriate. I am leaving in a professional manner, and two weeks is a courtesy! I’ve been there a little over a year and we have literally had eight people come and go, and before I started she literally had a new front desk person every other month for years! Maybe she should look at the common denominator.

At the end she told me to give her my keys and to “forget about Saturday,” because I was supposed to have to work tomorrow (which I’m glad I don’t have to!) and after I got home she text me that I am already at 39.77 hours for the week so not to come in today. And at work she told one of my coworkers that we (her employees) need to learn how to manage our stress. She is the one who takes out all her stress/issues on us and makes us so anxious! I’m not the only one who has thrown up at work because of anxiety! She also told my other coworker that she didn’t understand why I’m leaving because she was never bad to me.

She is clearly not very aware of her actions and how she comes across, or she’s very much in denial, but either way she needs to do some self-reflecting and this is not my issue to deal with. I have my own life and my own health to worry about. Putting in my notice and dealing with her reaction was probably one of the most stressful times in my life, and I am just glad it’s over.

Frustrated

I’m at home in bed as I write this. I went to work this morning but left after a couple hours due to throwing up twice at work (once at home before work). I also threw up yesterday before work. We didn’t even have a busy schedule and I have no reason to be feeling anxious.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I am not motivated anymore. I probably should get back on my antidepressants, but the thought of that makes me more depressed. I don’t want them. I don’t want my anxiety medication either since I feel like it’s not helping.

The rainy weather doesn’t help… neither does the quarantine. I have to keep that in mind and remember this is only temporary. But if I can’t stop puking every day I don’t know what I’m going to do.

It is what it is.

I bought a roundtrip flight to Denver for the end of April a few days ago and have zero regrets. I know there are a lot of travel restrictions right now, and I know there are bans on large gatherings in places, but I am not scared to go to Denver- worst case they cancel my flight and I lose out on $75, but I couldn’t care less.

I’m honestly annoyed by the mass hysteria and still confused about the toilet paper shortage and it’s making me so crabby and bitchy and I hate it. I don’t want to let other people have an effect on my attitude, but I literally am so disappointed in humanity right now.

I’m upset that idiots have gone out and decided to buy up all the toilet paper/tissues/clorox wipes/etc. I am also upset that my friends who are mothers are struggling to find baby wipes and formula because those who were fortunate enough to be able to panic buy in bulk didn’t think about the other humans on this planet.

I’m tired of the politics behind the virus as well, and how coincidentally all of these flus/viruses such as swine flu and ebola all come out around election time (which reminds me, don’t forget to vote in the primary’s Tuesday)! I think it’s stupid for anyone in power to shut down all businesses and ban the sale of guns/ammunition. I think that there are too many things being done that actually have nothing to do with the virus, and I feel people are using it as a way to fear monger and also pass unnecessary laws.

I feel for my server friends out there who rely on tips for their bills. I also feel for the employees of grocery stores who have to deal with angry, demanding assholes. Luckily they still have jobs, but their hours are being cut left and right as businesses close early or change hours as they have no time to re-stock. I can only imagine what nurses and doctors and other healthcare staff are going through right now. I feel lucky to still have a job during this time, and am grateful that I have money saved as well.

I want to stop having such a cynical, angry mindset about this whole thing. I need to focus more on what I do have and what I’m thankful for during this interesting time in the world. If we have a mandatory quarantine, at least I’ll be home with my best friend and my cats. ♡

Sick and anxious

Both Monday and Tuesday my boss sent me home from work, because I’m very clearly under the weather. Last night once I came home I really started feeling my body aches and the fatigue really set in. I finally decided to go to the doctor today, since my boss told me I should sleep in and take the day. I didn’t sleep too well after the first six hours because I kept waking up sweating.

I let the MA and Dr. know all of my symptoms (sore throat, cough, congestion, body aches, sweating, and fatigue). I don’t have a fever, but technically my body temperature is higher than usual. Normally when I take my temperature at home on my digital thermometer I average at 96.8. Idk if I just naturally have a lower temp or if my thermometer is broken, but this morning my temperature was at 99.0. They tested me for strep as my throat is super red/swollen/painful but the rapid test was negative. Instead of testing me for the flu or anything they decided to treat me for a sinus infection; so let’s hope that’s the case and I’m not spreading something to everyone around me.

I hate being sick because I feel so weak and useless, but I think what’s worse is I’m sitting here worrying about stuff that needs to get done at work and around the house. I also know that I need to rest in order to feel better, it’s just a constant battle because I feel like I’m being lazy and wasting time. I’m just hoping I feel a lot better by tomorrow, especially since I’m supposed to go to the dells this weekend.

Itching to travel / Home sick

I have to get out of this state soon. I need a vacation, I need a beach and sunshine… I just need it. I wish I could afford to go visit my boyfriend in the Philippines on his work trip, but unfortunately that’s not happening. However, I am thinking about going to LA and/or Vegas for a couple days in April. I wish I could just travel all the time and get paid for it, because I always feel at my happiest when I’m traveling somewhere new.

One nice thing is that one of my friends invited me to go to the Dells next weekend, so that’s kind of like a mini vacation! I honestly love water parks and I always have a blast at the dells! Then St. Patty’s day is right around the corner so I’ll have to make some plans for that!

One of my coworkers just left to Punta Cana for a week and I’m so jealous but also so excited for her! She is such a hard worker and deserves a break, and I know this trip will be refreshing for her. Going on vacation always leaves me feeling fresh and happy, and I can only imagine how she will be feeling after this trip.

^ Well, I was writing this yesterday and ended up getting distracted and went to sleep. I feel like this often happens and I can’t help but get frustrated with myself because I feel like I failed by not posting on Sunday, but I guess it’s not the end of the world.

Today I am home sick. And no, I’m not out and about traveling the world, missing my home… instead I am at home in bed coughing my brains out. I’m very tired and this cough is both aggressive and annoying. I am worried that stuff won’t be done at work, but I also need to rest and get better for my long day tomorrow. With that being said, I am going to abruptly end this weird blog post that I don’t like very much.