emotional

Resting

I have been laying low the last few days as I’ve been having some health issues. I’m hoping today to see my primary care, but I am waiting on a call from their office. If I cannot see them, I’ll be going to immediate care or something because I am 99% sure I have a sinus/ear infection and I need some antibiotics.

Over the weekend I woke up with a nasty headache and it kinda lingered for a couple of days; it was hurting whenever I moved my eyes, and I can still feel the pressure if I look down. I also started having pain in my ears when I blow my nose, and I keep sweating a lot in my sleep. I had an on and off again low-grade fever and was off work Monday because I woke up with a fever. I was negative for covid thankfully, and I did work yesterday, but today is normally my scheduled day off so I’m going to use it to my advantage.

I often get really obsessive about really anything, so the problem when my health starts being weird is that I cannot stop googling my symptoms and freaking myself out. I know I’m going to be fine regardless, I just always have too many things going on at once. My hormones are all out of whack right now, so I’ve been super emotional and crying every day. Being sick also doesn’t help with that, because I always feel more emotional when I’m ill for whatever reason.

I took the whole day yesterday to just lay in bed; well, other than getting my covid test and a blood test one of my doctors ordered. I couldn’t help but feel guilty for not doing anything, even though I kept reminding myself that my body needs rest. Yesterday I felt a bit better, so after work I made sure to bring the garbage in, I emptied the dishwasher, cleaned the litter and started laundry. I threw a frozen pasta meal on the stove and was so proud of myself for getting everything done, even though I still was not feeling 100%.

When my boyfriend came home I was telling him how I got all this stuff done since I couldn’t do anything on Monday, and he just looked at me and said “You don’t feel well, you are supposed to rest. You don’t have to ‘make up for it,’ because resting is what you need to do. You shouldn’t feel guilty for that.”

I shouldn’t feel guilty for that… he’s right! And I knew he was right, because I had already had this battle in my head while I was laying in bed all day on Monday. I kept reminding myself that I have to listen to my body, and if we don’t take our rest days, our bodies will force us to take them.

Today I’m still gonna take it relatively easy, I just have a grocery pick up and hopefully I’ll just be able to see my regular doctor today instead of immediate care. I just want to feel myself again, so hopefully I will soon.

Another day, Another post

Today was my second Wednesday off after starting my new schedule! I got breakfast with a good friend for her birthday this morning, and once I was home I did some dishes and laundry. I made sure to get my groceries yesterday after work instead of today, so I had the whole day free to do whatever!

I listened to a few podcasts, went on a walk, and even was able to join Gabrielle Bernstein’s zoom call where she recorded an episode of “Dear Gabby!” I honestly almost chickened out, but I was so glad I didn’t! There were about 80 participants in the meeting, all of us could chat and we remained muted unless we were picked to ask her a question!

It was nice listening to other people and remembering that we are all truly so similar; imagine what we could accomplish if we’d just take the time to listen and have real conversations with others. I honestly even cried listening to her speak and answer questions, and again it was just happy tears feeling like I was where I was supposed to be!

Over the weekend I picked up a couple of Gabby’s books, one of which my mom was nice enough to get for me as an early birthday gift! We had gone out for breakfast together and went to the bookstore afterwards, and that’s where I picked up “Judgement Detox,” and then I found “Happy Days.” I was originally looking for “Happy Days,” so when I finally found it my mom said that would be my gift from her and my dad for my birthday, and I am so grateful!

I haven’t started them yet, as I am already currently reading two books, but I am ready to dedicate time to reading more again so I can move onto her books next! I have been feeling good lately and plan to keep it that way; I had to mute some accounts on instagram just to escape from some of the negativity and drama, and honestly I am proud of myself for setting that boundary.

For a while now I haven’t followed any news or radio shows, because I am tired of consuming tragedy after tragedy and feeling like everything I see is horrible. I’d rather feed my brain with positivity, growth, and happiness. I prefer to not be ignorant to the current events, but I can also seek information out on my own and try to find unbiased sources, rather than believing everything that people share on social media.

Social media definitely has major impacts on mental health (just google it), which is why I do my best to keep everything on my page positive and I like/save positive posts to help the algorithm share more of those things to my feed. We choose what we consume on a daily basis, make sure you pay attention to what you feed your brain.

Empathy

A couple of weeks ago I was very emotional and had really felt like I was taking on other people’s emotions. I have often felt this in my life and have been learning more about being an “empath” and a “highly sensitive person.” I have resonated with a lot that I’ve read/listened to, but recently I came across a quote on a post that made change my perspective a little bit.

I follow a few “self love” and “positivity” accounts on Instagram, because if I’m going to continue using social media, I am taking more control of what is in my feed and what I want to consume daily. Well, one account had posted this quote that they had written and it really stuck with me: “Empathy can often be confused with projection. It may seem like you feel other’s pain deeply, but the need to heal them comes from your own wounding. There was a time when you needed protection, so now you try to save everyone” (@VexKing on Instagram).

Now I read this and was like “Okay I am being attacked right now,” but in reality, I truly needed this realization. I feel like looking at situations where I felt someone’s pain or emotions, I can now dig deeper within and see where I was feeling that pain in myself. Sometimes it’s hard to hear certain things because they can feel harsh, but honestly those harsh truths can be so liberating when you take a good hard look at yourself.

When I was feeling my friend’s pain from her dealing with her best friend passing, I was feeling my pain from when my close friend passed a few years ago. When I feel stressed about how my friends are handing certain situations, it’s because of the way I’ve handled things/been handling things and I’m protecting my own insecurities onto others. When I am upset at family members for how they act, it’s because I can usually see myself in them during those times.

It’s amazing how simply reading a few sentences could completely opened a whole new perspective and avenue for healing for me. Psychologists explain how we are to work through our triggers and how explore therapy can be quite beneficial for a lot of patients, and we have to be very honest with ourselves in order to do that. Avoiding our triggers and our bad thoughts is only delaying our healing; and we deserve to heal.

Rough days

Although my boyfriend and I had a wonderful anniversary on Saturday, I had a rough mental day yesterday and it feels like it’s on today as well. I’m just extra emotional and sensitive- I feel like I’m getting easily overwhelmed by things that haven’t been overwhelming me.

Yesterday we needed to find some clothes for my cousin’s wedding this upcoming weekend, and after going to five different stores and finding absolutely nothing I felt pretty defeated. I know it’s not a huge deal, but I hate having to do things during the week and I also hate when I can’t complete a task so it triggered some anxious feelings. I also had gone all day thinking my period was finally over, but turns out that my body was teasing me (which also likely explains the anxiety/emotions).

In the evening yesterday I went to make Ramen (because I was too distraught to grocery shop, another fail that was eating at me), and I over-cooked the noodles. Again, not a huge deal, but to me it was. I cried. I just felt like literally anything I needed to do, was not able to get done. I felt like I was non-stop failing everything and then failing emotionally for letting these “small things” get to me.

The entire day, my boyfriend was reminding me that these things weren’t detrimental, and that was still have solutions for the issues. I felt like I apologized to him about 250 times and every time he would tell me that there was nothing to be sorry about. I apologized for being emotional and crazy, and he just said “you aren’t as bad as you think you are.”

That statement there made me start wondering at what point in my life I developed such a strong hatred toward myself and my mental state. I have empathy for all my friends/family who have mental issues, and I would never even think about speaking to them the way I do to myself; I don’t even feel like I need to! Why do I feel the need to be mad at myself? That’s something I want to dig into a bit more, I can’t see my therapist for a couple of months as my insurance lapsed and she’s hella booked out, but in the meantime I can do my own work. I’m worth working on.

Anniversary Weekend

Today my boyfriend and I are celebrating 10 years together! He’s currently driving us back home from our yummy lunch at P.F. Changs, and we are just going to chill together for the rest of the day. It’s so crazy to think that we started dating at 16 years old, and here we are 10 years later living the best life together.

My boyfriend and I moved out to our first apartment together when we were 19, and we bought our townhome together at 21! Over the years here we have had to update some pretty big ticket items around the house, but luckily this will benefit us later on when it’s time to sell or rent it out! There are still quite a few things we want to update around the house over the next few years, but for now we’re focusing on paying down the debts from those unexpected updates.

People are always asking when we’re going to get engaged/married/have kids/etc, and honestly it doesn’t bother me as I know we have been together for a while, but I don’t really even have an answer for anyone. I know that my boyfriend is trying to get me a ring that is too expensive, and with what we are trying to accomplish with our budget, I don’t know when that will be possible for him. He won’t budge on his decision, even though he knows I’d take a $500 ring, but that’s his choice.

I’ve always said my minimum age for having kids is 28, and I just turned 26 a couple months ago, so I am still on my timeline for that! Of course I always have that fear that I won’t be able to get pregnant, but luckily there are options like IVF and adoption! And if it comes to those options, I am blessed to have my wonderful man by my side for those times. I am so happy that we have come this far, and I know we will be able to handle anything together.

I honestly was kind shocked when I had a friend reach out to me yesterday – she told me to let her know if “anything happens” today, meaning a proposal. I let her know that it was not going to happen today, as my boyfriend and I already talked about everything, and her response was “I’m sorry.” Sorry? For what?

In my head, I was thinking “do my friends just feel bad for me? they think I’m not happy until I’m engaged?” I think it really just threw me off as she has known me for longer than I’ve been with my boyfriend, and I am very content with my life, which makes me think that she thinks I shouldn’t be. It may not be the case, I mean she’s already married and has a child, but I don’t compare my life with everyone else’s like most do, so I guess that could be why she assumed I’m unhappy? I really don’t know, it just didn’t really sit right with me.

I’ve been having a lot of thoughts and realizations lately, which is making me want to just cut off a bunch of people. I feel like it’s better to hang out with people who want to share ideas and life goals, and try to make plans to make dreams a reality. I’d rather not be around people who just want to talk about other people and judge everyone. I’ll be 100% honest, I have been a judgmental person, and I don’t want to be that way; I’d much rather take the time to understand where people are coming from and why they make the decisions that they do.

I’ve always had empathy for others, and I have always fallen in the middle of most debates and issues as I can literally see both sides of pretty much everything! I feel like that is also a majority of people, but we get lost in our social bubbles and the influences around us. I feel like it’s important to be open and understanding with all people, as when we ask questions and try to understand where people are coming from, we often learn new perspectives and ideas. Isn’t that what life is all about?

There is an overall lack of empathy and understanding in the world, and it will be detrimental to us all in the long run. I really want to do something to encourage more open discussions and ideas; my boyfriend and I have talked about doing a twitch stream and that may be where this starts. I’ll keep you posted on that! I hope everyone is having a good weekend!

Indecisive

I have been going back and forth trying to make a decision about what to do with my job situation. I currently have a job that I like, but I have not been getting my full 40 hours for several weeks now, and it is starting to become stressful. I recently had my manager from my last job reach out and asked if I wanted to work in the billing department for her, and offered $1 more an hour, steady 40 hours a week, no weekends, and give me my vacation time back immediately as if I never left- the issue is the insurance is more expensive as they are a smaller company. So although I would “make more money,” it would be going to my insurance. The one good thing is it is a little closer to home than my current job. I am trying to see if I can get on my boyfriend’s insurance without being married, as we do have a joint account and are both on our current mortgage. If I can do that, that may sway me into going to that job.

On the other hand, I work for a company that wants to keep their employees, and I told them about my offer and how much I would want to get paid to stay and transition into being in their billing team; I had to keep in mind that it is quite a bit further of a drive to work. However, they can let me work from home two days a week once I am fully trained, and I would also have steady hours and not work weekends. I know a lot of people don’t care about the drive, but I just keep thinking about having an hour commute to work and then back, but also how it’ll be even longer in the winter.

In the midst of all of this stress, I came up with a craft drop schedule for my small shop! I will post it with this blog, that way if anyone wants to follow along on my Instagram or Facebook page! I am really excited to take this leap and give myself deadlines; it is important to set goals if you want to reach them! I can think about stuff I want to do as much as I want, but until I put in the work, all those thoughts will ever be are just thoughts. I keep reminding myself that you cannot rely on motivation as it is temporary, you have to rely on yourself, which requires discipline. I set up a crafting schedule so that I am constantly working on projects and being creative; I work well with routine and schedules, so as long as I put it on the schedule it will get done. Also, posting publicly about it also gives that added incentive to get it done and do a good job, as I can just hope someone is waiting to see what I’ve made!

I am open to any thoughts/advice anyone has, and appreciate any who are here reading this! I hope you all have a great week.

Monday Motivation

I’m happy to be writing this today in a much better state of mind than I was in the last post. I am taking my duloxetine prescription every other day right now, and I added in daily B6, B12 and Magnesium supplements that were recommended by my therapist. I’m planning to go on a walk after this post and soak up the sun and just pay attention to the beautiful world around me. My therapist recommended that I work my stresses/anger out with meditation and working out, which is something I have been meaning to start doing but haven’t actually done.

In a way, I think me coming off my medication and realizing how NOT okay I am has been a great thing! I thought I was making so much progress, and although it was a hard pill to swallow when I realized that I hadn’t, it is better to know now so I can do the work that is needed. I may add another therapist into the mix, as my current therapist is extremely busy, but I also am thinking about seeing someone who is more holistic in practice. It can be nice to get different viewpoints and advice, and I also know I don’t want to be on any more medications so if I can avoid that I will.

I am also looking at self-help books and podcasts, as I feel like the more I immerse myself in healing and learning about how to deal with anxiety, the better I can help myself. Us humans have been living in a social media world for decades at this point; we constantly are scrolling and absorbing post after post, switching from angry to sad to happy and I am sure this has some effects on mental health. I downloaded all of my data and deactivated my Facebook last week, and I am proud of myself for cutting that off as it truly was an addiction. I already have noticed a positive difference in how I feel and how I use my time.

I keep saying I am going to write more, and I will. This is going to help me with my healing and will keep me focused on the goal. If I find myself scrolling, I will work on redirecting myself to writing, reading, meditating, or getting some exercise. All I want is to be able to truly love myself, and in order to do so I have to actively practice self-love. I know I am not perfect, and I will not do this all the time, but as along as I remind myself how important this is and keep coming back to it, I will make progress.

Fcking rough

Well, I apparently cannot handle being off my meds completely. Today after multiple breakdowns, crying uncontrollably, having sudden waves of anger followed by hateful thoughts toward myself, I took my anxiety pill. Honestly it makes me upset, because this means I am NOT ready to come off of it and clearly I haven’t been working on myself enough.

It’s hard for me to not be angry with myself and my brain, but I keep trying to remind myself that it is an imbalance and I am only human. I know I can’t be okay all the time, but I definitely cannot be off of this medication full time yet. I haven’t felt these feelings in so long- just complete rage toward myself for not being strong and not knowing myself enough.

I am so lucky to have a wonderful man in my life who is accepting of me always, but also is very honest with me (which I need). He has been my rock through it all, and even when I’m feeling so terribly about myself, he reminds me that I am deserving of love. Everything today, every emotion, has felt completely earth-shattering even though literally nothing happened.

I have since calmed down, and after talking with my boyfriend we decided I should take the medication every other day as I was when I was weaning off. Hopefully this way, I can still have these emotions that I haven’t had in a while so it’s easier to tell the therapist where I am struggling and what I need to work on. I am not defeated, I obviously have survived a lot so I can get through this too, it just feels like a huge step back for some reason.

Feels like Summer

It could be the warm weather and the sun, but I’ve been feeling great this weekend! Of course I still have some irritability with the PMS and lack of anxiety medication, but overall I’ve been feeling pretty motivated!

I deactivated my Facebook since I waste too much time on there, and I want to focus more on writing, reading and crafting! I kept my other socials for now, but I think twitter might be next to go. I will keep instagram as I can use that for marketing my Etsy shop and posting my creations!

Yesterday my boyfriend and I spent most of the day together and then in the afternoon we had his brother over and a couple of friends. We ended up just playing bags and hanging out, it was actually a nice time!

Today my friend came over with her sister and her son and we went swimming across the street from my house. It was a great day to swim, and we all had a nice time catching up on our tans (or sunburns… LOL)! They left a while ago and I decided to go on a walk and I actually found a $10 bill! I’m taking that as a sign that things are heading in the right direction.

I have to work tomorrow, but luckily I make my own hours on Monday so I can really do whatever I want! I just need to get patient insurances for the rest of the week and enter some insurance checks that come in! I am feeling like there is a good week ahead of me!

Feeling feelings

Been irritable lately and overthinking a lot. I had a fun weekend, but there were also parts that made me upset but I made sure to let it all go because we were celebrating a good friend for her bachelorette party.

I’ve been feeling people’s emotions and passive aggressiveness lately and it’s been draining. I also feel lack of communication is hurting a relationship right now, but I also don’t know how to address it and it’s not a good time at all. At this point it would be rude to do/say anything so I will just have to wait.

I am just tired right now and am ready to go to bed. I have to work tomorrow and honestly I am kind of excited to start off the month on a good note at work! I think my career life will be thriving soon, I just have to get through a couple months of fixing up quite a few issues.