Here in this post, I release all negativity weighing on me, both physically and mentally. I no longer welcome this tightness in my chest, nor the pain in my back. I am here to release all internal stresses and external fears, as I no longer wish to carry them with me. I release all self-doubt and feelings of guilt, as I am growing and learning and there is no reason to feel guilt for something so beautiful. Here on this page, I release any judgment or tension I feel towards myself. I am not my anxiety, and I am not my intrusive thoughts; I am resilient and strong, and I always rise after a fall. I’ll give myself grace when I inevitable fail, and will take time to learn from each set back and move forward with a little more knowledge each time. As I write this post, I release any feelings of judgment or resentment towards others, as I know everyone is doing their best with the resources they have, and I know that I am not the one to determine what is right or wrong. Everything is not black and white, everything is grey, and who am I to say what is best for anyone other than myself?
let go
Friday
So glad it is Friday! This week honestly flew by and it really wasn’t a bad week! Of course I am back to dealing with a late period and negative pregnancy tests so that’s a bit annoying, but I am trying to stay positive and remind myself that there’s no point in worrying because that will only delay it more. I’ve been trying to figure out if I am having some underlying stress that is contributing, but I can’t seem to pinpoint it.
As much as I get frustrated with drama at work, I don’t feel like I am letting it affect me mentally, but maybe I am! I know I was feeling some anxiety about the fact that I’m going to be on a billboard for a few hours in a couple weeks, but it feels like it’s mainly anxiety around my parents in a weird way. I know that my mom will be supportive of my writing and she knows I am healing and it’s my right to share my story and my thoughts, but just knowing how my dad has been my whole life, I just feel like he is gonna shit on it.
What matters is that I am proud of myself and my accomplishments, but maybe that’s my problem. I have such a hard time celebrating myself, it’s almost as if I got this exciting news and felt good about it for a day and then kinda shoved it away. It hasn’t even happened yet, but it’s like mentally I won’t allow myself to be proud or happy. I just keep making excuses about how they just needed a face in my town and it just happened to work out, but they also have enjoyed my writing and have been so encouraging on our zoom meetings and in the community. I guess I just don’t know why it’s so hard for me to celebrate myself, but it’s so easy for me to tear myself down.
Luckily I have therapy after work today, and maybe we can unpack that together. I honestly haven’t seen my therapist since July, so I am very much looking forward to this session. I just have to be conscious of my talking and making sure I’m not just venting so long that I waste the whole session. It’s hard when you only have 50 minutes and it’s been literal months since we’ve talked, but I know we will be able to have a productive session. I’m going to end this will an affirmation for myself- and I hope you all have a great Friday!
Affirming: I am healthy, I am calm and I am at peace. I release all that is not mine to carry, and I focus on what is aligned with my higher self.
a writer in the dark 