Looking inward

I read a quote that said something along the lines of the best way to get out of the chaos is to look inward. We forget how powerful our minds are as humans, and as hard as the pill may be to swallow, a lot of our obstacles and issues do boil down to ourselves and how we perceive and react to situations.

Once we accept the fact that we have more control over our minds and bodies than we think, we can begin to start the work. Mind you, we’re all humans. We are capable of having our minds and opinions changed, and we are also likely to make mistakes along the way, but as long as we remember our end goal we can bring ourselves back.

I’m always much more motivated on the weekend, which I guess is because I have more time to do things, but also I could do more during the work week if I schedule out the time to do so. I keep saying I want to go to the gym, but I only ever do it on the weekends, as I am too tired after work and haven’t been able to motivate myself enough to go before work.

I have an issue with changing plans/routines and until I take the first step I am constantly delaying my own progress. I haven’t gone to the gym before work yet as I need to make sure I figure out timing to be able to get back home and shower before I leave for work. In reality it is not a hard task, and honestly I’ve calculated the timing already, it’s just forcing myself to get up to that earlier alarm to do something that will benefit me.

Granted, sleep/rest is beneficial as well, but I am typically in bed by 10:00pm or 11:00pm latest so even getting up at 7:00am I get my full eight hours of sleep. I just always feel uneasy when doing something different or “off schedule,” and that has been an issue of mine for as long as I can remember. I need to continue working on these issues in order for me to improve and live the fullest life I can live.

Reflections

We’re driving back from the Dells right now; everyone’s tired and ready for a shower at this point. We honestly had a blast yesterday/last night and I’m surprised that I’m not hungover right now. I probably drank more than I ever have before, and I even was mixing alcohol which is normally a huge no, but apparently 24-year-old me can handle more than 22-year-old me somehow!

Letting loose was fun, especially since I feel like I’m always uptight and anxious lately. Being able to just forget about work and reality for a day always feels like a good reset… especially after a shitty week. On Friday there was so much chaos in the office that I missed our pilates lesson, which of course didn’t help my shitty mood, but luckily I got to see my therapist after work.

I feel like our session was productive, but I’m also a bit frustrated because now I need to go back to my doctor (and I literally just saw one on Wednesday because I have a sinus infection) and start coming off of my current anxiety medication and start a new one. I know it’s the best thing for me right now, I’m just not very patient. I would rather just stop cold turkey and start a new one, but obviously that’s not a great choice and it would most likely make things worse.

We talked about how a lot of my anxiety comes from work and we talked about the work environment and I’m honestly a little worried that this may not be my forever job. I am not giving up, and I don’t plan to leave anytime soon, but I have to think long term and how things are going to go down the line and if there are things that I’m always uncomfortable with that are out of my control, then it may be time to look elsewhere. My therapist said that she had recently read about how sometimes our bodies/selves just cannot adapt to a certain environment. For me, I feel like if I can’t adapt then I have failed, but I also know that’s not the case.

I keep getting aggravated with myself because I don’t understand why I am so hard on myself and why I overthink everything all the time. Well, I guess I kind of do understand why I’m this way just based on my childhood and what my therapist and I have discussed, but I wish I had more control. It sounds stupid, but I don’t feel like I have control over my brain/thoughts most of the time. If I did, I wouldn’t be wasting most of my life worrying about work or death or being late to something or any other thing that takes away from my peace or happiness.

I need to find my peace and learn how to live there. I feel that I’ve just made my boyfriend my “peace” and I need to find peace in myself. I have no issue being alone, and I consider myself to be pretty independent, but I’m also very tense and chaotic all the time that finding any calmness within me seems impossible. I know working out and yoga is good for me and will likely help me when it comes to finding my inner peace, but lately I feel too exhausted to do anything and I choose sleep over most things.

Once it gets warmer, which it should soon, I’ll be able to get outside more and that always makes me feel better. Whether it’s a walk through the park or hiking trails or just going to the neighborhood pool, being outdoors always gives me some sense of inner peace. I’m sure it’s because when I was a child, being outside was my escape from the chaos inside our home. I was always outside with my friends/neighbors climbing trees or riding bikes; life was always better outside.

I don’t like my brain sometimes.

I don’t like my brain sometimes… well, it seems often lately. I have racing thoughts a lot as of recent and no matter how much I try to push away the negative ones, they keep coming back. It’s mainly work stress/anxiety, but I want to be able to keep work at work and not let it mess with my head. The problem is I’m very overwhelmed as I’m doing the job of at least 2-3 people, but I also have extremely high expectations of myself and am struggling with the fact that I am so stressed.

I’ve made a couple mistakes at work- nothing detrimental but still, mistakes. When I mess up, it takes me such a long time to forgive myself and get over it, even though I am a human being who is bound to make errors. Literally everyone I work with (including my boss) tell me how great I’m doing, but no matter how many times I hear it my self-doubt always seems to creep back into my mind and I let it take over.

Today, I told my boss that I had recently increased my anxiety meds (because we were talking about flu symptoms and nausea and I think my increased dose is making me nauseous), and she asked me why I was feeling anxious. I was honest and told her that I’m way harder on myself than anyone is ever with me and I keep worrying that I’m not doing a good job. She was sympathetic and also reassured me that I’m not as terrible as I think I am because she told me that I am doing an excellent job.

I’ve always been a people pleaser, but even with the external reassurance and praise I am not pleased with myself. I don’t understand why it’s so easy for me to forgive people when they make a mistake, but when I make one I can’t help but constantly obsess over it. Luckily I will be seeing my therapist in a couple weeks (thanks to the connection I have with the scheduler there- otherwise my next appointment wasn’t until April). I also have ink therapy this weekend which is always a nice treat after a stressful week. ♡