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Back Pain (Again)

A month ago I woke up with horrible lower back pain. This is the kind of pain that ibuprofen and stretching don’t touch, and the pain where it hurts to literally do anything. Luckily after a few visits to the chiropractor and more stretching, the pain subsided. Fast-forward to yesterday… I woke up with the pain again.

To be fair, when I woke up it wasn’t as bad as it was the previous month, but as the day went on, it got increasingly worse. I was able to still manage to have a good time as my best friend and I made vision boards, but once I was home the pain felt almost unbearable. My boyfriend had to help me get out of bed and even lift the toilet seat this morning for me, because I can’t bend down without feeling like I’m going to collapse in pain.

Today we’re supposed to go to family dinner at his parents house and I was really looking forward to seeing everyone again, but now I’m debating if I should just lay in bed all day on the heating pad. I’m wondering if it has anything to do with my ovulation or if this is hormonal inflammation, but if that is the case this is something that will be really difficult for me to deal with every month. I’m just praying the pain goes away and I can figure out how to keep it away. If anyone knows anything or has any suggestions, feel free to leave it in the comments!

Friday

So glad it is Friday! This week honestly flew by and it really wasn’t a bad week! Of course I am back to dealing with a late period and negative pregnancy tests so that’s a bit annoying, but I am trying to stay positive and remind myself that there’s no point in worrying because that will only delay it more. I’ve been trying to figure out if I am having some underlying stress that is contributing, but I can’t seem to pinpoint it.

As much as I get frustrated with drama at work, I don’t feel like I am letting it affect me mentally, but maybe I am! I know I was feeling some anxiety about the fact that I’m going to be on a billboard for a few hours in a couple weeks, but it feels like it’s mainly anxiety around my parents in a weird way. I know that my mom will be supportive of my writing and she knows I am healing and it’s my right to share my story and my thoughts, but just knowing how my dad has been my whole life, I just feel like he is gonna shit on it.

What matters is that I am proud of myself and my accomplishments, but maybe that’s my problem. I have such a hard time celebrating myself, it’s almost as if I got this exciting news and felt good about it for a day and then kinda shoved it away. It hasn’t even happened yet, but it’s like mentally I won’t allow myself to be proud or happy. I just keep making excuses about how they just needed a face in my town and it just happened to work out, but they also have enjoyed my writing and have been so encouraging on our zoom meetings and in the community. I guess I just don’t know why it’s so hard for me to celebrate myself, but it’s so easy for me to tear myself down.

Luckily I have therapy after work today, and maybe we can unpack that together. I honestly haven’t seen my therapist since July, so I am very much looking forward to this session. I just have to be conscious of my talking and making sure I’m not just venting so long that I waste the whole session. It’s hard when you only have 50 minutes and it’s been literal months since we’ve talked, but I know we will be able to have a productive session. I’m going to end this will an affirmation for myself- and I hope you all have a great Friday!

Affirming: I am healthy, I am calm and I am at peace. I release all that is not mine to carry, and I focus on what is aligned with my higher self.

Need your help/support

Hello to my lovely followers! I just want to say I appreciate all those who follow me on here and I am so happy that I have this space for myself and others! I recently joined a writing community and entered a writing contest where the winner is determined by how many votes my letter gets.

If you have a chance, I’d love if you’d click the link and read my letter, & if you like it you can vote for it! Thank you all in advance for your time and support!

https://theunsealed.com/contest-submissions/dear-me-thank-you

Friends.

I have a few close friends; some that I see monthly, others that I see every couple weeks, and some I don’t see for several months. We are all adults who have our own busy lives, and luckily all my friends are very understanding of this. However, as we grow older our needs change, what we want/need in our lives is always shifting, and sometimes friends drift apart.

I struggle sometimes with what I am looking for and needing in a friendship, because of course I want to surround myself with positive people who are wanting to progress in life, but I also am not saying I never want people to express their emotions/feelings to me; I mean we all need to vent!

I guess I just don’t agree with a lot of my friends with certain things, but at the same time we are still able to see through those things and continue a regular friendship; I think more-so it comes down to that I feel like I cannot support a behavior that I do not agree with. But then I’m also like, I can ignore that and remember that everything happens for a reason/it is what it is.

I guess that’s where I struggle, as part of me is like “am I too judgemental with my friends who I don’t agree with?” or are they truly not good for my progress in life? I guess it comes down to, would I rather be alone than have them as friends? That gets hard too because I am a person who enjoys solitude, so it’s hard to say if I’d be cutting people off for the right reasons or not.

I had a best friend years ago, we were friends in high school and we were friends for a couple years after that. I called her my best friend, but in reality we never had any real conversations. One of the reasons we aren’t friends anymore was because I couldn’t deal with her immaturity anymore, but I had also been coming to a realization toward the end of our friendship that she never had her own opinions on anything, which made it hard for any real conversations to happen.

It felt like she just said what other people were saying, but had no idea why she was doing that or how she actually felt about it. She prioritized drinking/partying as well as taking pictures for social media. I’ll admit, I fell into that with her in that friendship; I was new to social media as my parents wouldn’t let me have Facebook until I was 16, and I enjoyed taking/posting pictures of myself having a good time with friends, and she was my best friend for that.

Over time she started disrespecting me, and I’d honestly usually let it go. She’d make fun of me, she’d talk all about her sex life but if I said anything about me and my boyfriend she’d gag and tell me to stop talking about it, but overall she had no respect for me whatsoever. The last straw was when I went to visit her at her college campus to celebrate my 21st birthday.

We celebrated a week after my birthday since her dad and I share a birthday, and I drove up to see her and she said we would have a girls night out drinking and we’d just stay at her sorority house that night. I met one of her other friends and we started bar crawling. At the last crowded bar there was a dance floor, and she wanted to go in and dance. I’m all for dancing with my girls so I said yes, but that quickly turned into her finding some guy to start grinding on. Mind you, I am in a committed relationship and had been for five years at that point, so I’m not out here trying to having dudes dance all over me.

So I exited the dance floor and hung out by the bar talked to a couple girls I met (you know how drunk girls always become friends? LOL), well eventually my “bff” comes out from the dance floor with that same dude she was all over, and she tells me she is going home with him. I am freshly 21 in a college town that I’m unfamiliar with, and she just told me she’s leaving me there. I asked her “where am I supposed to go??” and she gave me the code to her sorority house and left with this dude.

I called my boyfriend (mind you, it’s like 2am) and asked him to stay on the phone with me while I walked a couple blocks back to her place. He was infuriated of course, and I was too, but the alcohol likely helped to keep me more calm. I was very observant on my walk and truly just wanted to make sure I wasn’t going to get attacked/raped because you hear all these horror stories about college campuses. Luckily I made it to her place safely and have obviously lived to tell the tale, but safe to say that was basically the end of our friendship.

We did talk afterwards as she got mad at me that my boyfriend messaged her telling her she was a shit friend (which I didn’t know he was going to do), and she said that I didn’t want to be her friend because my boyfriend convinced me of that. Like no girl, you left me alone in the middle of the night in an unfamiliar area while we were celebrating MY BIRTHDAY! But once she was mad about that we had a text argument back and forth where I ended up just blocking her completely, and that was finally the end of a five year friendship.

The problem for me is that it took five years for me to realize that she was not a good friend to me, even when my boyfriend had been somewhat telling me that the whole time. He also says that about current friends, and my mom does too, which makes me feel like I am possibly just settling for friends again when I really don’t even need them. I don’t mean that in a malicious way, I more-so mean that I’ve grown to know and love myself a lot more over the last few years, and I am very content with being alone and having minimal friends.

I need to do some exploring within myself to see what it is that I am wanting/needing in my life when it comes to friends. As I grow older, my priorities are changing, life is changing, and sometimes you need to let certain people go to allow room for growth. I’ll be sitting with this for a while, as I feel I already have been. Please feel free to share your own story or advice in the comments, as maybe we can help each other.

Triggered.

A close friend of mine is grieving the loss of one of her best friends. I knew the girl who passed as well, but wasn’t very close with her. Needless to say, this is upsetting, however I think it has also caused me to fall physically ill. I’m having similar issues to what I last March: random nausea/vomiting that comes out of nowhere. I’m having weird cramping as if I’m going to get my period, but it ended four days ago. I’m negative for covid and my doctor just ended up giving me nausea meds again to help, but I need to do some deep diving into healing because I cannot live like this.

Talking to my friend as she vents about her grief is actually physically affecting me. I am having a hard time, because this is bringing up a lot of memories of when a good friend of mine passed away a few years ago. I’m also sad about this current situation, but I’ve been having a lot of thoughts about my friend and she recently was in a dream of mine where I told her about this girl who just died.

Now obviously I need to be there for my friend who is here and dealing with her best friend’s death, but how can I do that without feeling so ill and depressed? I’m taking a break from my crafting/small business as I need to take this journey into healing myself from the inside out. I have been in therapy for years, but I clearly haven’t been doing enough work.

I recently read about the importance of silence and meditation and I am going to try to mediate again. This time will be different, because I truly have a goal here: healing. If anyone has any advice/experience with being empathic/highly sensitive, I am all ears. I see my therapist tomorrow as well which I’m looking forward to, I’m sure she will have some tips.

Not having a great time

I’m still having issues with my health; random nausea and this morning I was having random sharp cramping. I can’t remember if I said but mother nature finally made her appearance 13 days late, which was a relief in a way, but also it’s sounding like my next step might be a GI doctor.

I have a follow up appointment on Monday at 8am, but it has to be Telehealth since I’ve been vomiting (even with my negative covid test). I feel like they’re just going to tell me go to the GI doctor; honestly I do have a fear of being diagnosed with Crohn’s disease. But I do need to take care of myself, so I will listen to what the doctor says on Monday.

I’ve been having a rough mental health day/week. Today I was bawling my eyes out in the car with my boyfriend because I feel like I’m constantly ruining everyone’s plans. My best friend got married yesterday and the plan was for everyone to go to the bar after the dinner, and unfortunately I felt like garbage after dinner and a couple drinks so I went home after dinner.

I felt terrible about that and then I also ruined planed with another friend today. She was supposed to come over with a couple other people for wedding crafts, and I forgot that my boyfriend wanted to go see a car that was an hour away from home, which messed up the plans. Then we also forgot that we had an appointment at 2pm for someone to come out and measure for our windows to be replaced, but luckily we made it back in time.

The other thing was my boyfriend had an appointment to see that car at 12pm, and his brother stayed over last night and we wanted breakfast this morning. When we went to breakfast it took a little longer than normal because it was busy, and then we were late to the 12pm by almost an hour. When we got there, we were told they just sold that car five minutes prior. So then I felt even more like shit.

I just haven’t been myself and I’ve been super stressed and I feel like I’ve been holding a lot in that I just need to let out. I’m so annoyed and frustrated with myself, but my boyfriend was saying how he gets so upset when I’m so hard on myself and how he wasn’t even upset with me or anything. I just have been completely out of it lately with everything going on with my health too.

Anyways, I’m just so exhausted and I’m really needing to just push through this shit. Tomorrow is going to be sunny and 60 degrees, so I need to make sure I go on a walk. I also am going to grocery shop and get some healthy options, as I need to start treating my body better. I’m excited to spend the rest of the day just relaxing and spending time with my boyfriend. I’m ready to start feeling better and feeling more like myself.

Still no answers

I got a rapid covid test this morning just to rule it out since I still don’t know what’s wrong – $175.00 later and it’s negative! This is good but also in a way I was almost like well if it’s positive it all kinda makes sense? But I am glad I do not have covid,

At this point I am welcome any and all opinions / medical advice on what may be going on with me- I will list my symptoms below:

-fatigue that began last wedneday (falling asleep driving to work, completely exhausted and ready for bed by 8:30 every night, no motivation to do anything)

-late period by 12 days- normally I am regular, but have had multiple negative pregnancy tests including a blood hcg

-nausea & puking in the mornings (started this past wednesday)

-lower back pain (started 2-3 days ago, worsening)

-burping a lot

-diarrhea (only for one day- other days lots of movements in morning)

-random dull ache lower abdomen – not consistent cramping though

-headaches (started last night, have one today)

Again, any help is appreciated.

Looking inward

I read a quote that said something along the lines of the best way to get out of the chaos is to look inward. We forget how powerful our minds are as humans, and as hard as the pill may be to swallow, a lot of our obstacles and issues do boil down to ourselves and how we perceive and react to situations.

Once we accept the fact that we have more control over our minds and bodies than we think, we can begin to start the work. Mind you, we’re all humans. We are capable of having our minds and opinions changed, and we are also likely to make mistakes along the way, but as long as we remember our end goal we can bring ourselves back.

I’m always much more motivated on the weekend, which I guess is because I have more time to do things, but also I could do more during the work week if I schedule out the time to do so. I keep saying I want to go to the gym, but I only ever do it on the weekends, as I am too tired after work and haven’t been able to motivate myself enough to go before work.

I have an issue with changing plans/routines and until I take the first step I am constantly delaying my own progress. I haven’t gone to the gym before work yet as I need to make sure I figure out timing to be able to get back home and shower before I leave for work. In reality it is not a hard task, and honestly I’ve calculated the timing already, it’s just forcing myself to get up to that earlier alarm to do something that will benefit me.

Granted, sleep/rest is beneficial as well, but I am typically in bed by 10:00pm or 11:00pm latest so even getting up at 7:00am I get my full eight hours of sleep. I just always feel uneasy when doing something different or “off schedule,” and that has been an issue of mine for as long as I can remember. I need to continue working on these issues in order for me to improve and live the fullest life I can live.

Reflections

We’re driving back from the Dells right now; everyone’s tired and ready for a shower at this point. We honestly had a blast yesterday/last night and I’m surprised that I’m not hungover right now. I probably drank more than I ever have before, and I even was mixing alcohol which is normally a huge no, but apparently 24-year-old me can handle more than 22-year-old me somehow!

Letting loose was fun, especially since I feel like I’m always uptight and anxious lately. Being able to just forget about work and reality for a day always feels like a good reset… especially after a shitty week. On Friday there was so much chaos in the office that I missed our pilates lesson, which of course didn’t help my shitty mood, but luckily I got to see my therapist after work.

I feel like our session was productive, but I’m also a bit frustrated because now I need to go back to my doctor (and I literally just saw one on Wednesday because I have a sinus infection) and start coming off of my current anxiety medication and start a new one. I know it’s the best thing for me right now, I’m just not very patient. I would rather just stop cold turkey and start a new one, but obviously that’s not a great choice and it would most likely make things worse.

We talked about how a lot of my anxiety comes from work and we talked about the work environment and I’m honestly a little worried that this may not be my forever job. I am not giving up, and I don’t plan to leave anytime soon, but I have to think long term and how things are going to go down the line and if there are things that I’m always uncomfortable with that are out of my control, then it may be time to look elsewhere. My therapist said that she had recently read about how sometimes our bodies/selves just cannot adapt to a certain environment. For me, I feel like if I can’t adapt then I have failed, but I also know that’s not the case.

I keep getting aggravated with myself because I don’t understand why I am so hard on myself and why I overthink everything all the time. Well, I guess I kind of do understand why I’m this way just based on my childhood and what my therapist and I have discussed, but I wish I had more control. It sounds stupid, but I don’t feel like I have control over my brain/thoughts most of the time. If I did, I wouldn’t be wasting most of my life worrying about work or death or being late to something or any other thing that takes away from my peace or happiness.

I need to find my peace and learn how to live there. I feel that I’ve just made my boyfriend my “peace” and I need to find peace in myself. I have no issue being alone, and I consider myself to be pretty independent, but I’m also very tense and chaotic all the time that finding any calmness within me seems impossible. I know working out and yoga is good for me and will likely help me when it comes to finding my inner peace, but lately I feel too exhausted to do anything and I choose sleep over most things.

Once it gets warmer, which it should soon, I’ll be able to get outside more and that always makes me feel better. Whether it’s a walk through the park or hiking trails or just going to the neighborhood pool, being outdoors always gives me some sense of inner peace. I’m sure it’s because when I was a child, being outside was my escape from the chaos inside our home. I was always outside with my friends/neighbors climbing trees or riding bikes; life was always better outside.

I don’t like my brain sometimes.

I don’t like my brain sometimes… well, it seems often lately. I have racing thoughts a lot as of recent and no matter how much I try to push away the negative ones, they keep coming back. It’s mainly work stress/anxiety, but I want to be able to keep work at work and not let it mess with my head. The problem is I’m very overwhelmed as I’m doing the job of at least 2-3 people, but I also have extremely high expectations of myself and am struggling with the fact that I am so stressed.

I’ve made a couple mistakes at work- nothing detrimental but still, mistakes. When I mess up, it takes me such a long time to forgive myself and get over it, even though I am a human being who is bound to make errors. Literally everyone I work with (including my boss) tell me how great I’m doing, but no matter how many times I hear it my self-doubt always seems to creep back into my mind and I let it take over.

Today, I told my boss that I had recently increased my anxiety meds (because we were talking about flu symptoms and nausea and I think my increased dose is making me nauseous), and she asked me why I was feeling anxious. I was honest and told her that I’m way harder on myself than anyone is ever with me and I keep worrying that I’m not doing a good job. She was sympathetic and also reassured me that I’m not as terrible as I think I am because she told me that I am doing an excellent job.

I’ve always been a people pleaser, but even with the external reassurance and praise I am not pleased with myself. I don’t understand why it’s so easy for me to forgive people when they make a mistake, but when I make one I can’t help but constantly obsess over it. Luckily I will be seeing my therapist in a couple weeks (thanks to the connection I have with the scheduler there- otherwise my next appointment wasn’t until April). I also have ink therapy this weekend which is always a nice treat after a stressful week. ♡