nature

“Live like the flowers”

Today I got a couple new tattoos which has of course left me feeling very happy! I love getting tattoos, and the best part was I had a gift certificate which was able to cover everything! I got a floral half moon on my back, and I got the quote “live like the flowers” on my collar bone.

The quote has a few inspirations, but overall the meaning behind it is to just be. There’s a quote from Zen shin that reads: “a flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it; it just blooms.” I read that quote years ago and it always sat with me. As I’ve grown older I’ve cared less and less about what others think of me, and now I rarely compare myself to others.

There’s another quote I read that was “live like flowers; wild, beautiful and drenched in sunlight.” Overall I’ve always felt more at home in nature; I love going on walks or just floating in the water. As a kid I was always climbing different trees around the apartments that I grew up in, and now I enjoy hiking when I can and just walking through the park.

Other quotes about flowers touch on the fact that when a flower isn’t blooming you don’t throw it away, you change the environment and/or the way in which you care for the flower. If you water the flower and make sure it gets proper sunlight and nutrients, the flower typically will bloom beautifully. Taking that knowledge and applying to yourself as a human can make a world of a difference in the way in which we “bloom.”

Nature calls, maybe?

Sometimes I wonder if I’d genuinely be happier living near a body of water, whether the ocean or a lake or even a huge pond. I just feel like knowing that I have that opportunity to escape to the calm waters right in my backyard would give me a sense of peace. Of course I’d have to purchase a paddle board and/or kayak, but I think this is something I definitely need.

I absolutely love going on walks/hikes and just being outside soaking up the sun. I love that I can still do all of these things even with the virus crap going on, and I hope that doesn’t change. Of course I’m upset that pools aren’t open, but if I was closer to water I’d probably complain less LOL. I did go on a walk today which was nice, I just feel like I need to go travel to new places and explore.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want to do and any hobbies I can get into, and I have been struggling. I do like the idea of it being physically beneficial, such as actually going on hikes and/or taking yoga classes. However I also like the idea of it being self-reflective such as writing/singing. The only person stopping me is myself, I just am not feeling super passionate about anything right now. I feel happy though, which is a good thing.

Little bits of happiness.

The sun has been shining all weekend long, and the weather has been in the 50s and 60s which has been great! Friday after work I went on a bike ride and then today I went on a walk through the park while listening to some good music. I’ve always said how being outside makes me feel so much better, and I’m grateful that I was able to experience that this weekend.

I started writing a poem the other night which made me feel happy- I haven’t really been hit with the inspiration and motivation to just stop what I’m doing and start writing in a while. There’s a lot of more time in the day today, and I’m sure my boyfriend will want to play video games so I’m going to sit down and do some writing.

I kind of want to mess around with my makeup today too, because why not? Or maybe I should declutter and reorganize a new area of the house. I mean, I guess I could do both if I really wanted to. We will see where the day takes me! I hope everyone else finds something to be happy about today. ♡

Reflections

We’re driving back from the Dells right now; everyone’s tired and ready for a shower at this point. We honestly had a blast yesterday/last night and I’m surprised that I’m not hungover right now. I probably drank more than I ever have before, and I even was mixing alcohol which is normally a huge no, but apparently 24-year-old me can handle more than 22-year-old me somehow!

Letting loose was fun, especially since I feel like I’m always uptight and anxious lately. Being able to just forget about work and reality for a day always feels like a good reset… especially after a shitty week. On Friday there was so much chaos in the office that I missed our pilates lesson, which of course didn’t help my shitty mood, but luckily I got to see my therapist after work.

I feel like our session was productive, but I’m also a bit frustrated because now I need to go back to my doctor (and I literally just saw one on Wednesday because I have a sinus infection) and start coming off of my current anxiety medication and start a new one. I know it’s the best thing for me right now, I’m just not very patient. I would rather just stop cold turkey and start a new one, but obviously that’s not a great choice and it would most likely make things worse.

We talked about how a lot of my anxiety comes from work and we talked about the work environment and I’m honestly a little worried that this may not be my forever job. I am not giving up, and I don’t plan to leave anytime soon, but I have to think long term and how things are going to go down the line and if there are things that I’m always uncomfortable with that are out of my control, then it may be time to look elsewhere. My therapist said that she had recently read about how sometimes our bodies/selves just cannot adapt to a certain environment. For me, I feel like if I can’t adapt then I have failed, but I also know that’s not the case.

I keep getting aggravated with myself because I don’t understand why I am so hard on myself and why I overthink everything all the time. Well, I guess I kind of do understand why I’m this way just based on my childhood and what my therapist and I have discussed, but I wish I had more control. It sounds stupid, but I don’t feel like I have control over my brain/thoughts most of the time. If I did, I wouldn’t be wasting most of my life worrying about work or death or being late to something or any other thing that takes away from my peace or happiness.

I need to find my peace and learn how to live there. I feel that I’ve just made my boyfriend my “peace” and I need to find peace in myself. I have no issue being alone, and I consider myself to be pretty independent, but I’m also very tense and chaotic all the time that finding any calmness within me seems impossible. I know working out and yoga is good for me and will likely help me when it comes to finding my inner peace, but lately I feel too exhausted to do anything and I choose sleep over most things.

Once it gets warmer, which it should soon, I’ll be able to get outside more and that always makes me feel better. Whether it’s a walk through the park or hiking trails or just going to the neighborhood pool, being outdoors always gives me some sense of inner peace. I’m sure it’s because when I was a child, being outside was my escape from the chaos inside our home. I was always outside with my friends/neighbors climbing trees or riding bikes; life was always better outside.

The Pattern.

There’s this app called “The Pattern” that one of my coworkers showed me. I don’t look at it very often but I felt the need to look at it this evening, and honestly, it is incredibly relevant. I wanted to share this, as I feel I have been more self-critical than normal lately.