I don’t like my brain sometimes.

I don’t like my brain sometimes… well, it seems often lately. I have racing thoughts a lot as of recent and no matter how much I try to push away the negative ones, they keep coming back. It’s mainly work stress/anxiety, but I want to be able to keep work at work and not let it mess with my head. The problem is I’m very overwhelmed as I’m doing the job of at least 2-3 people, but I also have extremely high expectations of myself and am struggling with the fact that I am so stressed.

I’ve made a couple mistakes at work- nothing detrimental but still, mistakes. When I mess up, it takes me such a long time to forgive myself and get over it, even though I am a human being who is bound to make errors. Literally everyone I work with (including my boss) tell me how great I’m doing, but no matter how many times I hear it my self-doubt always seems to creep back into my mind and I let it take over.

Today, I told my boss that I had recently increased my anxiety meds (because we were talking about flu symptoms and nausea and I think my increased dose is making me nauseous), and she asked me why I was feeling anxious. I was honest and told her that I’m way harder on myself than anyone is ever with me and I keep worrying that I’m not doing a good job. She was sympathetic and also reassured me that I’m not as terrible as I think I am because she told me that I am doing an excellent job.

I’ve always been a people pleaser, but even with the external reassurance and praise I am not pleased with myself. I don’t understand why it’s so easy for me to forgive people when they make a mistake, but when I make one I can’t help but constantly obsess over it. Luckily I will be seeing my therapist in a couple weeks (thanks to the connection I have with the scheduler there- otherwise my next appointment wasn’t until April). I also have ink therapy this weekend which is always a nice treat after a stressful week. ♡

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