health

Gratitude

I’m currently laying in bed with a heating pad under my neck/shoulder because I stressed myself back into pain. I’ve been aggravated as hell all week and I know gratitude usually helps me a bit so here’s my list today:

I am grateful that I woke up in a warm comfy bed next to the love of my life.

I am grateful to have a job that allows me to pay my bills and still enjoy my life.

I am grateful for friends who love me for me and are encouraging and supportive of my dreams.

I am grateful for my boyfriend who respects me and makes me feel so very loved.

I am grateful for our cats who are healthy and who loves us dearly.

I am grateful for our home; I love having a place to call home that is calm and has everything we could ever need.

I am grateful for podcasts and books as they assist me in my healing journey.

I am grateful for my therapist and the fact that I can afford therapy with my current insurance.

I am grateful that it’s Friday and I have a fun weekend ahead of me.

What are you grateful for today?

Life’s Guarantee: Death.

I hate death. I mean, I feel like everyone feels the same way about it (well, other than psychotic serial killers I suppose), but throughout my life, it was something I often feared. I know people have fears of dying, but my fears had to do with the people I love dying. I would find myself having intrusive thoughts about loved ones, especially my boyfriend, dying in horrific accidents. Or sometimes I’d just be thinking about getting those terrifying phone calls from police or a family member. I found myself dreading seeing family names pop up on caller ID, and it was because I always thought there was bad news on the other end of that line.

I can remember the first death that had a large impact on me, and that was my maternal grandfather dying when I was seven years old. It was a tragic accident and due to the severity of the head/facial injury, my family thought it was best that I did not see him in the hospital while he was fighting for his life. I do not blame them at all for this, in fact I am grateful that I remember him as he was, and also he did happen to look very much like himself in the casket. I remember continuously crying at that funeral…the grief and sadness felt heavy on my small body.

Fast-forward to age twelve, when I come home to find out that my 16-year old cousin had passed in a tragic accident. This one hurt like hell, because although we didn’t see each other often, when we did, he was one of my favorite people. He was so authentic and didn’t care what anyone thought, and he was hilarious as f*ck! I remember constantly laughing and just having a great time when we were together. Going to that memorial service was really rough for me, and seeing everyone else, knowing we all felt that pain but with different levels of severity…it all felt so heavy again.

Jump a couple years ahead and one of the neighbors at the apartments I was growing up in also suddenly passed. She had been the one who hosted annual Luau each year, as well as the Halloween and Christmas parties. She was always so fun to be around and her nephew was a good friend of mine as he also was my neighbor. Her death was hard to deal with, but for me, I was older and had dealt with death before, but for some of my friends/neighbors, they hadn’t dealt with anything like this before. I saw how hard it was for a few of them, and it hurt knowing too that there was nothing I could do to make that pain go away.

At age 20, I found out that one of my best friends from middle school and freshman year had unfortunately taken her life. This death really shook me and made me feel guilty for numerous reasons. We had never really had a falling out, we just slowly grew apart as our interests and lives changed, but of course I felt guilty that I hadn’t been there for her and that we hadn’t talked in so long. It is easy to spiral and get into the “what ifs,” but after obsessing and ruminating for too long, I realized all of that was pointless. It was hard to let go, especially with the lack of closure and the questions that still were running through many peoples’ minds, but I had to move on with my life.

Less than two years ago, someone else who I had known and recently seen had also suddenly passed. Although some people on the outside who didn’t really know her feel that they would have seen this coming, this was shocking to her close friends who were still in touch with her. I am closer with her best friend, but seeing her go through this loss and hearing about all of the questions still unanswered and all of the uncertainty, it started bringing me back to when my friend had passed. I realized that I would become physically ill whenever we would talk about the recent death of her friend, and I had to take a step back even though I felt like a terrible friend for doing so. I am blessed that she understood and was not upset, and still had other friends who she could lean on for support.

Today I went to a memorial service for a family friend. A couple of the neighbors I grew up with recently lost their uncle. Growing up with them, I also knew their cousins as well (the ones who just lost their father), and my parents and I went to pay our respects. I was reluctant to go at first, because I hate death. I know that the energy is heavy, and it is easy for me to feel those emotions and put myself in their shoes, but that is also why I had to go. I wanted to be there to support my childhood friends and their family, and I also know how hard it is to deal with loss. People need to be around those who love and care about them during these times.

Unfortunately, death is an inevitable part of life; but that love that we have for people during the time we have alive…that is what makes the grief so rough. So when thinking about it that way, grief truly is a powerful form of love. The fact that you have so much adoration and love for another person, and that fact that you physically ache and feel something detach when they leave shows how truly connected we are. For me, instead of fearing death and grief, I want it to serve as a reminder to love now, and be present. It’s important to appreciate what we have right now in this moment, because life is too short, and we never know how short it is.

Death brings a form of heartache that can be hard to describe, but at the same time, if that person was here for one more day, you know you would spend every moment with them. Loving them, breathing in their scent, admiring their features…you wouldn’t shy away and distance yourself in hopes to make the pain easier, you would embrace all of the love that is present and appreciate it, even if that makes it harder when its time to let go. And when the inevitable happens, and the pain is at its worst, you can still lean into that love. Lean into the positive memories. Lean into supportive family and friends. Lean into that power of love that has brought so much joy into your life. Feel that grief move through you; cry it out and don’t feel guilty about it. Sending love to all who need it, and make sure you tell your loved ones how important they are to you.

Toxic Traits: See them, love them, then let them go.

Today I purposely made no plans and I am very grateful for that. I have been spending a lot of my weekends with friends and I enjoy seeing them and having those connections, but I also am the type to feel very drained afterwards. I have talked about this plenty of times on here, but I am just proud of myself for finding ways to still be able to have these great friendships and maintain my own mental health. I used to feel so anxious and resentful and burnt out because of my own lack of boundaries, and now that I am taking accountability and actual steps to keeping this balance in my life, it feels so much easier.

I understand why people don’t want to self-reflect or do the deeper work, it is very hard to come to terms with the toxic parts of yourself. But if we’re being completely honest, that is the only way to truly learn to love every part of yourself. Now I am not saying it’s good to be toxic or that we should just accept the fact that we are that way and continue to be that way, although technically you are able to do as you please. What I am saying is, you can dig into where those toxic traits come from and get a better understanding of why you behave in certain ways. As you learn about yourself and gain clarity, you can then practice healthier behaviors and create more productive habits, rather than just shaming yourself for having toxic traits and then continuing to live in that toxic cycle.

I know that I used to live in a continuous shame cycle, and it honestly made me feel like I was going crazy. I would “argue with myself” in my head all day, and I would constantly be angry with the way that my brain worked. I was upset that all I had in my head was chaos, yet to everyone outside of my home, I made it seem like everything was together. My worth was wrapped up in my achievements, so I got my apartment with my boyfriend, got that associate’s degree, kept a clean home, and I just made sure it all looked great from the outside. I would let friends vent to me, and I would never tell them what I was going through. To be fair, I did feel that they all had their own struggles to deal with and that I didn’t want to burden them with mine, but sometimes I think it was because I was trying to keep up this act like everything was perfect.

I then grew to become very resentful of the fact that I felt that no one actually cared about what I was going through, and that I had friends venting to me but I didn’t feel I could do the same with them… but was that really ever the case? I likely could have vented to them in the same way, but I always kept everything inside. How were they to suspect anything was wrong when I made it seem like my life was just easy and “perfect.” And to be honest, life has always been good, but when my anxiety and intrusive, ruminating thoughts were out of control, I just felt like that was life, because that was life in my head.

I was blessed enough to have my boyfriend by my side as I went through everything, but because my and my anger were so out of control, and he was the person I was around the most and also felt the most comfortable with, I often ended up taking out my issues on him. I’d snap over small things like the dishes being in the sink instead of the dishwasher, or the fact that that garbage was full. I’d get angry because sometimes I would feel like he didn’t help with chores, but I also never even asked for help. It’s nice to wish that people would just know that you need help, but also everyone is going through their own stuff and also likely not communicating it.

So I’d just snap on him, we’d argue about it, and then I always ended up crying and feeling guilty because I hated how I was behaving and didn’t understand why I couldn’t just communicate like a normal person. This cycle continued until I finally realized that I was pushing away someone who was so being so patient and loving with me, and that I truly didn’t want to continue living like this. I didn’t want to get angry over the smallest inconvenience. I didn’t want to feel constantly drained and burnt out because of me constantly over-extending myself. I didn’t want to keep crying every day or feeling like a rage was always sitting inside of me… so I finally got help.

I am grateful that was the decision I made. Although it has taken a lot of therapy, a lot of different medications, and a lot of time and effort, it has been 100% worth it. If someone told me at age twenty that it would take about seven years for me to feel more regulated and at peace, I probably would have looked at that timeline and decided to just give up right then, but honestly, although it has been a lot of time, it has been the most rewarding work I have done. This is why they say to focus on the step in front of you, not the entire staircase. When we look at how far we have to go, we can cripple ourselves and scare us into staying where we are.

The fact that I can now alleviate my ruminating thoughts within a few minutes is incredible, and honestly is something I didn’t know was possible. The fact that I can communicate my needs and ask for help instead of getting to the point where I am boiling over has been a game-changer for my relationship with my boyfriend, as well as my relationships with friends and family. The fact that I no longer look at myself with hatred or keep myself in a loop of shame/negative self-talk has had such a profound impact on my overall look at myself and at life. I now focus on finding the good and finding reasons to be grateful, rather than letting the negative weigh me down.

I am learning balance and I am taking care of myself, which is helping my to show up more authentically and present in every area of my life. I am so grateful that I was able to get help, and that I have had supportive people in my circle who love and care about me. I believe that people can change, but only if they truly want to. I wanted to change for the better, and I am proud of the work I have done. I am excited to continue learning on this healing journey, and I hope I can help some others along the way.

Enjoying Each Season

On holidays sometimes I find myself thinking about the future; I think about my boyfriend being my husband, and us having children who see the world as a magical place. I think about the traditions we will have and how I intend for my children to look forward to seeing family and celebrating together. As much as I am excited for those days, I still am very grateful for this slow season in life.

Right now I get to live my life; In any moment I can decide to leave the house to go shopping, or grab coffee, and it’s easy. I can book dinner dates with friends without a second thought, hell I can even book trips as long as the bills are paid! I don’t want to focus so much on what I have to look forward to, and miss out on these moments that I will crave one day.

My boyfriend and I got to enjoy a nice breakfast out this morning, and now he is enjoying a nap as I write this. I am listening to some music, watching the cats sunbathe by the sliding glass door, and just enjoying this day and this present moment. I am so grateful to live this life, and I feel blessed to have gotten to a place where I feel comfort in the peace.

In the past when I had free-time, or any moments of boredom, I would feel anxious. I would feel like I needed to get up and start doing chores or leave the house and just make sure I wasn’t just sitting around. Now I can look at these moments and embrace them. I no longer feel the need to run around and get things done, instead I understand that rest and spending time with myself is where a lot of the healing comes from, and it is necessary.

When I find time alone, I have been trying to scroll less, and instead actually take time to do something that brings me joy. I’m not going to lie, sometimes jamming to music and cleaning does feel quite invigorating, but I have found other ways to spend my time as well. One example is the writing I am doing right now! I enjoy getting in touch with my thoughts and getting them out, as well as remembering the progress I’ve made and celebrating myself.

As it gets warmer out, I am excited to get back outside and doing my regular walks, which I am going to go on one here soon. I usually will listen to a podcast of some sort, but this year I also want to take walks where I am just listening to the sounds around me. I know that can be very grounding and honestly I am sure that is somewhat of a meditative experience as well- guess I will have to find out!

Either way, I am enjoying this period of my life. I always feel that it is important to realize how blessed we truly are, and I love taking time for gratitude, because I truly am living a great life. I get to wake up to the love of my life every day in a warm bed, hearing the sounds of loud cat meows and the pitter patter of their paws. Truly, I am living the life I once dreamed about, and as much as I am excited for our future endeavors of marriage and parenting, I am incredibly grateful for the life we have today. I enjoy the times we can just lay in bed and cuddle, I enjoy our breakfast dates, I enjoy when we get to travel together, and I enjoy living each moment. Thank you.

“Where focus goes, energy flows.”

I absolutely love when I awake in the morning and the sun is blaring in my eyes as our curtains hang just an inch too high above the window sill. I know that probably sounds like sarcasm, but just knowing that the sun is out and seeing how bright it is truly brings a sense of childlike joy to my heart. I’m not going to lie, I felt very exhausted waking up today, but that sunshine definitely brought some motivation.

Last month I spent time doing things I love; I went to a couple of concerts and I prioritized spending time with friends. I still battle with feeling drained after being out and hanging with people, but as long as I take time to be with myself and my thoughts afterwards, I typically end up replenishing that social battery. I absolutely love having conversations with people and just seeing how small the world is and how such different humans can still connect with each other. I truly believe that the art of listening and learning could have a profound impact in this world, which is why I am ready to get serious about my goals.

I keep talking about starting a podcast, but not making any efforts towards achieving that goal. I have most of the equipment that I need, I have endless resources at my fingertips (Google, YouTube, etc.), I have a bunch of scrambled ideas in my head, yet I haven’t put anything to paper… until yesterday! I finally did some bullet points and episode ideas and have been thinking about how to record and that I’d want to make other content out of my episodes. I have other ideas that I don’t want to go too much into detail on just yet, but I am starting to look at the resources I have and have decided I need to stop wasting time.

Last May I connected with a woman on a girls trip with one of my high school best friends, and she recently started a podcast of her own! On her podcast she is incredibly open about sharing her story and diving into her traumas, and she is creating a community of people who are healing together and growing together, which is honestly what I am wanting to do as well! Leading up to me seeing her announce her podcast, I had been getting some interactions with podcasters that I listen to on Instagram, such as Mel Robbins sharing my Instagram story to hers, and even getting a reply back from Jay Shetty in the comments!

Honestly, I had been asking for signs of what I should be putting my efforts towards and focusing on, and I kept receiving signs but still not putting in any effort. I knew that when I got these notifications of these well-known podcasters that I was supposed to explore this idea and see if this dream is what I really want to pursue. Recently I was able to reconnect with that woman from the girls trip on Instagram, and she actually invited me to be on her podcast! We chatted on the phone for a bit and she is going to send me some more information so we can get ready to record at the end of this week!

I was honestly honored that she wanted me to to be on her show, and I literally look at this as not even a sign, but as if the universe just put everything right in front of me and has made the opportunity so apparent and available. This is going to be a good test for me to see how I enjoy it and learn from her, and I am honestly just so grateful for this opportunity. Like Tony Robbins said: “Where focus goes, energy flows.” I want to make sure I am taking time to prioritize myself and my hobbies, especially while I am in this season of my life where I have the time and freedom to do so. I am excited for this next chapter, and I am blessed to have such great support around me.

Sending love to all! Have a great Sunday and week ahead. ♡

Writing It Out / Random Thoughts

Part of me feels the need to write a love letter to myself. When I receive compliments, I am always appreciative and they make me feel loved, but in another way I feel like I detach myself from them. I try to take in their kind words and I understand what they are saying to me, but it’s almost as if I cannot apply that to myself. I have always talked about having a battle going on in my mind; sometimes I’d say it’s between “rational me” and “irrational me,” but whenever I’m having this internal struggle, I never know which one is me. As I write this out I know that sounds kind of stupid, because both of them are me, but I often feel like an imposter in my own life.

I know that most of my issue is the fact that I have been a people-pleaser for most of my life, and I still have those habits that I am working through. As I start to open up and share my opinions, I can feel myself shifting and reclaiming my power, but I still struggle to determine when or when not to say things. Now as I write this I am realizing I should probably only say anything if it is something that I feel is negatively impacting me or my mental health, that means I need to set some sort of boundary. Or I can always ask if someone wants to hear my opinion before I just share it, as sometimes people aren’t looking for that at that time, and some people really don’t care.

My thoughts are kind of all over the place right now and I just started thinking about writing this love letter to myself and I remembered that I did that somewhat recently, but that it was written in third person. I then started thinking back to a lot of my writings and poetry and whenever I am creating something, it is most often in the third person perspective. When I am writing a love letter to myself, it’s like I cannot even talk to me, I almost feel like I am hovering over me and witnessing me, but I am not attached to her(me). It’s like I dissociate when it comes to me giving myself love. Could that be because I had abandoned myself for so long by diving into everyone else’s lives? Have I been gone for a long time? Have I been present at all during this healing?

I have noticed that I am more present and have been recalling recent memories easier. Another helpful thing I am doing is writing down the good days / memories and putting them in a jar. That way, at the end of the year I can go back and see if I remember much from those times and also reflect on how wonderful the year was. I am taking active steps in being more aware in my life and I slow progress is still progress. I haven’t given up, and I have made it through everything and am still here to post my weekly blog post, so I deserve to celebrate that. Honestly, there are a lot of things I have to celebrate in life and actively taking time to acknowledge and be grateful for them is something that helps me to be more present and feel the love that I seem to detach from. Maybe I will write that love letter later on, but for now I can practice gratitude, and I invite anyone who is reading to comment something you are grateful for today-no matter how big or small. ♡

I am grateful for my health: the fact that I woke up today and am able to breathe, walk, eat, and function without any assistance or need to think about it is truly a blessing. Also having access to podcasts and books that provide important, useful information for both mental and physical health is incredibly helpful.

I am grateful for my relationship: my boyfriend and I have continued to grow together over the past decade and our communication skills and love for one another have only continued to evolve. I am forever thankful to have found my life partner at such a young age, and being able to watch him grow into the hard-working intelligent man that he is has been incredible. I am lucky to have someone who is respectful and honest, and also someone who will be the best father to our future children.

I am grateful for my friendships. I feel blessed to have so many close friends who understand how I am as a friend and still love me for me. I say that because I know I am terrible at reaching out and making plans, but I am always rooting for my friends and wishing them the best. I am also lucky that they reach out to me and make plans too, otherwise I’d likely never leave my house LOL-so thank you guys so much ♡

I am grateful for my job. I am blessed to have a job where I am able to pay my bills, I have health benefits and PTO and I am able to enjoy life. I am happy that I don’t have to work any weekends, as this is the first job I have ever had where that is the case. I also am confident in what I do, and I know I am a reliable, hard-working employee.

I am grateful for my cats. I always had cats growing up, and I am so happy that I was able to continue that into my adult life. I am lucky that they are all healthy and they are happy with their lives. Kitty cuddles and purrs are always soothing and it brings me joy knowing they feel safe and loved.

I am grateful for so many things in my life, and truly feel like a blessed woman. I have days where I feel depleted and off-center, I have days where my emotions get the best of me, but I know am always surrounded by love and support. Even if I am alone, I know that no matter how low I may feel, the strength and resilience within me does not disappear. It may be hard to remember during those times, but those heavy feelings are always temporary, and I know I will come back to feeling myself again. I have so much love to give to everyone else, but I need to focus on also directing it inward. I am someone with pure intentions and I feel that people are more connected than they think, and I plan to stand strong in my values as I continue to progress towards my goals. Even though it is rough sometimes, I am so grateful for my growth and for this life. Thank you. ♡

Release

It’s so hard to watch loved ones in pain, knowing there’s nothing you can do but listen and send your love. That’s a part of life that will likely never get easier, but having faith and trust in the universe that something better is unfolding gives slight relief.

Everyone you know is going through something, whether it’s a friend or a family member, or even the person you sit by at work… you never truly know their struggles or their pain. All I can say to that is to be kind and compassionate, and remember that there are time where you will struggle too, and it’s important you have the right people in your circle.

I feel grateful for my circle. My boyfriend has been my rock for over eleven years, and the love only continues to grow. I have friends who have been in my life for longer than that, which again is a hell of a blessing. I even have some newer friends who feel like I’ve known forever. I have family who loves me and supports me as well, even if I don’t see them often.

Something I’ve noticed that is super important is now I finally feel like I have myself. I can recognize the strength within me, and I feel more confident about myself and my resilience. I have made it through some tough times in my life, including deaths and other childhood traumas as everyone has, and I am still here.

I am here to share my story and remind others that we are all stronger than we think, and that we are truly here for a reason. I may not 100% know my purpose yet, but as I continue through my own healing, I know that I am meant for more. I am meant to radiate the light that’s inside of me, and I am continuing to heal so that my light can shine brighter.

Years ago, I got a tattoo that says “it is a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply.” I know that although it can be difficult at times, it is necessary for me to be able to empathize with others, as well as feel all of my emotions. At this time, I am releasing the emotions that do not belong to me, and instead I will love and healing to those who need it. Remember to be kind, and remember you are stronger than you know.

Reminder to Self

The plan was to go to the gym this morning, but so far I’ve been able to do some stretching and I just keep running back to the toilet. I know it’s because didn’t eat the best this weekend and I want to remember this moment when I am deciding to go for some chips or fries next time.

The short term gratification isn’t worth the long term effects. Now I know I’m not going to be running to the toilet forever, but I more so mean what it is doing to my insides and how I am delaying my own progress.

This morning I had a couple bites of some overnight oats I made myself. This was my first time making them, and although the texture is a bit weird, they aren’t bad! I don’t often want breakfast, but I want to get into the habit of having at least a couple bites right when I start my morning. I can just bring the rest of my oats to work and finish them as a please.

Reminder to self: the small steps matter, and small steps repeated make a big difference over time. Pay attention to your body, and listen to what it’s telling you.

Feelings are Friends.

Although the energy has felt heavy lately, I still am so grateful for all of the positive things going on around me and in my life. I have felt a bit depleted the past couple of weeks, and even though I was still enjoying the highlights, I definitely felt that need for rest. Lately when I am getting my rest, I have been having some vivid dreams, all seem to be in relation to conflict and arguments surrounding friendships/relationships which is very interesting to me. I am paying attention to the messages and just reflecting on what they can mean and what they mean in my current life. As I drop my people-pleasing behaviors and speak my mind, I know conflict is bound to arise, and this time around I am looking at anger differently.

I always had a negative view towards the emotion of “anger,” likely due to growing up in a home where rage seemed to be a common theme. Looking back, I think what was hardest for my brain was the fact that I was not allowed to have these strong emotions such as anger or sadness, and when I did I felt shamed or misunderstood. As an adult, I can now understand it is because both of my parents also were unable to handle their own big emotions, so how would they know how to deal with mine? At twenty-seven I feel like I am finally learning that these big emotions are actually a necessity for life and can even be tools in the healing process, and what I have recently discovered is that anger is actually a friend.

I was on Instagram and while I was scrolling through the self-improvement and mental health posts that fill my feed (so grateful that I fixed my algorithm to be all good news and self-love posts) I stumbled upon a post about anger by an incredible author named Brianna Wiest. In her post she wrote: “It is healthy to be angry, as anger can show us important aspects of who we are and what we care about. Instead of being afraid of anger, we can see it as an influx of energy attempting to help us see our limits, priorities and values more clearly. We can use it to help make big, important changes for ourselves and the world around us.” I shortened up the quote a bit, but this post blew my mind! I had never looked at anger in such a light where I actually was intrigued and excited about it!

I always remember feeling so shameful and upset when I had angry feelings, so I’d do my best to suppress them. Of course the anger would always slip out in some way or another, whether it was a sarcastic comment or a full blown hissy fit over something small-which this of course only made me hate that emotion even more. Anger usually turned into some sort of sadness/depression over the fact that I was an angry person or I was “just like my dad,” which I was desperately trying to avoid, but me shoving away those emotions away only made it easier for them to bubble up and boil over, resulting in exactly what I was trying to avoid. As I grew up, I continued on a path of people-pleasing to avoid conflict in order to avoid any of my own anger coming up, but that has had negative impacts on my mental health and overall growth.

As I am working through my healing journey, I am finding it easier to communicate how I am feeling with good friends and family. Instead of censoring my feelings, now I am getting in the habit of checking in with myself and trying to dig deeper into the reason I am feeling that emotion. Anger can show you what you are passionate about. Sadness can teach you the power of love. Happiness can guide you towards your purpose. Everything we feel can be used as a tool in growing and healing. I remember how I felt when I went on an anxiety medication that seemed to take away all of my emotions- I hated. I asked my doctor to come off of them after only a few months, and she told me I needed to stay on them for a year. Knowing that I needed my emotions and how I completely lost my sense of self, I stopped taking them anyways and never saw that doctor again. I’ve known for years that I needed to feel my emotions, so it’s time to stop avoiding them and keep reminding them that they are my friends.

Post from Brianna West on Instagram

Reset

I definitely skipped writing yesterday and feel absolutely no guilt about it. Yesterday I returned from a much needed, yet also exhausting weekend away with a couple of friends. I was energized and excited from the time I got there on Friday afternoon, all the way until waking up yesterday morning knowing I had over a five hour drive home, and then the fatigue kicked in. I was so happy to come home to my love and my fur babies, and just shower away the sweat and filth from the night before. The reason this weekend came about is my friend and I wanted to see Bryce Vine this year, and we decided to meet up in Minneapolis! Saturday night after that incredible show, we met back up with her other friend and went out until bar close. The bars closed at 2am, but then daylight savings happened and suddenly we’re driving back to the apartment at 3am.

I will say, as tired as I felt today, I have zero regrets from this trip and am so happy that I got to see a concert and hang with my girls. We also went to the Mall of America and it was my first time there! Of course we did some shopping and eating, but we also went to the aquarium and the amusement park! We got a free behind-the-scenes and were able to feed the fish at the aquarium, and we even got a free ride at the amusement park! Overall I felt like a giddy child the entire weekend and absolutely lived for it.

Now that I am home I am resetting and refocusing on my current priorities in life, and I want to focus on eating better and taking care of my body more consistently. My boyfriend and I got up this morning and went to the gym before work, and even though it was a short workout for me, I am proud that I went. I am the only person in my way of achieving what I want to achieve, and it is time to take a break and re-prioritize my time and schedule. I always say I want to know how to cook, so I am going to try a new recipe this week. It doesn’t mean I have to switch my whole life in one day and make a new recipe every night of the week, but just making small efforts will help get the ball rolling.

I am excited for this season in my life, as I continue to turn inward and focus on myself and my needs, I will continue to build confidence and more love for myself and others. I truly believe that when people are feeling their best, then they give their best, which is why I never think self-care or self-improvement is selfish. But to some people it is, and with that being said, it’s time for me to start enjoying my selfish era.