Treating myself

I feel like I’ve been treating myself a lot lately, and I’m having mixed feelings about it. On one hand I know that I am a hard worker and I am good with my money so I deserve to splurge every once in a while. However, on the other hand I already have a decent balance on my credit card and I feel like I shouldn’t be spending more money on myself until that’s paid off.

Today I went to the mall with my mom because I wanted to get my friend something for Christmas. My family and I go to Iowa for our family Christmas in January, and my friend lives in the same town as my family and I want to bring her and her daughter a little something for the holiday (and because I love them). I ended up getting a couple of cute things that I think they will really enjoy.

Although I succeeded in getting gifts for them, I also decided to buy myself some clothes and candles because “why not just treat myself!” right?? To be fair the candles were on sale, and I didn’t spend too much on clothes. I got a cute baggy sweatshirt that I’m wearing right now, as well as a post malone shirt and two sweaters. I could have been a lot worse, but I still have a lingering feeling of guilt in the back of my brain.

I have to remember that I am still responsible and good with my money, even if I do have a bit of money sitting on my credit card. I guess a good example is that I always make sure that all of our bills are able to be paid every month. We don’t pay bills late, and we always make sure to put the same amount of money in our account so we are equally responsible for all bills/groceries/etc. I also make sure my separate bills are paid as well, like my car and phone. Whenever I get paid I put money towards my credit card balance (when there is one)… it’s not like I am ignoring the debt that’s there.

Money has always been a struggle and almost a trigger for me. Not in the way that I’ve ever been in debt or huge financial trouble, but the fact that I just obsess over it and basically let it run my life. I really shouldn’t feel guilty for buying a couple of outfits and/or getting my nails done, when I am making sure all other important things are paid first. I should probably bring this up in therapy on Friday, but also is it even important or relevant? I mean I obviously just wrote a whole blog post about it so I guess so.

Coming to the end.

I’m looking forward to the new year. I’m ready to get back into the gym and make it a routine, and hopefully develop an overall healthier lifestyle throughout the year. I am looking forward to working on my writing, both poetry and my general blog posts, such as this one. I’m looking forward to visiting a couple of friends out of state, and hopefully going to Hawaii as well! I am also excited to continue therapy and working on myself.

Although for the past couple of weeks I have been really feeling the “good-fucking-bye 2019- I will not miss you at all” vibe, I do realize that there were some great things that happened this past year. Even though I have been extremely stressed out, I know that I have made progress in both myself and my career. I feel like this is the first year where I have really learned how to say “no,” and I have set healthy boundaries with certain relationships. I definitely still have work to do, but seeing how far I’ve already come only makes me want to continue moving forward.

This year I was able to leave my place of work that I very much disliked, and I found a job where I have a boss who genuinely cares about her employees. I also have freedom when it comes to my schedule and how I want to do things in the office. I’m not going to lie, this job has been the most stressful one I have had in my entire life- I literally used to throw up every morning before work for two months straight because my anxiety was so  high. I knew that it would get better though, and now that I have been here for over six months I feel like it has gotten much better. There is still plenty to do, but it is getting to be more manageable.

Although I did not stick to the ketogenic/low-carb lifestyle, I feel like I still had an improvement with my relationship with food. I am not going to do another strict diet anytime soon, but I am going to limit my sugar intake and make sure to avoid binge eating. I want working out/going to the gym to become a hobby for me again. I feel like the best part of working out is the fact that you are truly benefiting yourself and practicing a form of self-care. Caring about your health is important, and this upcoming year I turn 25 and people tell me its harder to lose weight and get the body you want the closer you get to 30+ (so basically its now or never).

I am excited to see what 2020 brings. Oddly enough, I am very optimistic about this upcoming year. I feel that may be because I know that I can control my attitude and responses to situations and make the year great all on my own. Of course I expect life to take a few shits on me throughout the year, but I know that I can handle anything. Luckily for me, I don’t have to handle it on my own, as my boyfriend will be right by my side supporting me and loving me; so when life inevitable shits on us, we will get through it together.  ♡

Merry Christmas

I hope everyone had a wonderful day. This was my least favorite Christmas ever, and I plan to do it much different next year.

This year my parents and I decided not to do presents, which I was fine with because I need to save money and we’re all adults. My boyfriend and I also decided not to do Christmas presents because we want to invest in a new bed within the next few months. I only got gifts for one friend and her child, which was fun, but I just wish I would have done more.

I always love giving people gifts and I feel like that really helps to keep me in the Christmas spirit. I told my boyfriend that next year I would like to do gifts again, and he said that was fine.

Another thing I want to do next year is get a child or two off of a giving tree or angel tree. Or maybe donate to a local animal shelter. I feel like I should be giving more and I would feel better. I know I don’t have to wait for a certain time of year to do that, it just seems like a good time.

Well, Christmas is over so New Year’s eve is next which I’m looking forward to. I’m ready to say goodbye to 2019 and not look back. Don’t get me wrong, I had some positive changes in myself as well as my career, but overall I just feel that 2019 had a lot of sadness and stress. I just know that 2020 will be much better. ♡

Our thing.

My boyfriend and I have been together for over eight years now, and I absolutely love him and our life together. I feel that our relationship is much different than other people’s relationships nowadays, and I feel very lucky to have him in my life.

My boyfriend and I honestly don’t have a lot of shared interests. For example, he loves working on cars and playing video games, when neither of those things interest me. I like to shop, be outdoors and go places, but he likes to stay home. Although we don’t have many hobbies that we both enjoy, we have both agree on what we want our future to look like.

We know that the home we’re in now is not forever home; we’ve debated on selling this house vs. renting it out once we’re ready to move to the next home. We know what we want in the next house and know what we will and won’t settle for. We know where we went to live and how much we’re willing to spend.

My boyfriend and I also know that we do not want kids until after we’re married. We will be getting married likely in 2021 or 2022, we’re not engaged yet, so depending on when we get engaged will determine what year we get married. We’d like to get married on our anniversary date of October 2nd, and we both would not like to be engaged for much longer than a year (if even that long). We want two children, three maximum.

Today we were at a birthday party for our friends’ one-year-old, and it made me think about how fun it will be when him and I are parents. I started picturing us planning the party and being there with our little baby, and then my mind wandered into thinking about Christmas with our future kids. It got me to thinking that maybe parenting together will be “our thing.” If parenting is looked at as a fun hobby, I feel like that can only have a positive outcome!

Luckily we also both agree on how we will be raising our children. We share the same views on electronics for children and the important of them being outside and socializing with others. We both agree on what’s too far for discipline and what is appropriate. We know we want to raise strong, independent children and we will love them unconditionally and teach them to love themselves. Obviously parenting will not be easy and there’s so such thing as a perfect parent, but if we enjoy raising our children together I feel that can only benefit the whole family.

I’m not ready for children yet, and neither is he. We also agree that 28 is the minimum age that I’d like to be to have a baby. We have a lot to do before we can bring a child into this world; not to mention I’d like to do a bit more traveling before I have to do so with a child with me. For now I will be focusing on myself and practicing different forms of self-care, which I hope will benefit my future.

For right now, him and I are just going to do our own things, and we will both be cheering each other on. I love that we both love and care about each other so much, and even though we have different interests/hobbies we still support each other’s goals and help each other whenever we can. The other thing is we always make sure to let the other person know that they’re appreciated, every single day. Communication and appreciation are very important in any relationship. ♡

The color grey.

I feel like the color grey. Dull. Nowhere near being bright or noticeable, yet also not completely dark.

I feel like a crisp winter day with nothing but gloomy skies; the sky still slightly bright outside as the sun hides behind the clouds.

I feel like the shadows on the walls that appear as a result of the dancing flames from the candlelight.

I feel like a lazy Sunday afternoon when you know you should be cleaning or baking, but you can’t seem to get out from under your warm, weighted blanket.

I feel like those days that feel harder than most. The days where nothing seems to go right, yet you still somehow survive and feel completely defeated.

I feel like that drive home after a long, tiring day. Having no desire to sing along to your favorite songs, and sinking in that overwhelming feeling of exhaustion pouring over you.

I feel like someone who hasn’t slept in days, yet has also slept 14+ hours straight. Unmotivated and out of it with a lethargic soul.

I feel many things, yet also nothing, all at the same time. I feel like the color grey.

Gloomy

It’s just a grey day and it’s making me feel so tired. Luckily I was very productive this morning when I initially got up around 8:30am. Once I finished chores and making myself some breakfast I went back to bed and took a 2.5 hour nap.

I still need to go to the store today but my boyfriend is going with me and right now he’s playing video games so I’m just relaxing for now. The only issue is I feel like I could literally take another nap. I hate winter for this very reason.

I have fun plans these next coming weekends so I’m trying to stay focused on that and hopefully that will get me through the weeks. It blows my mind that it still technically isn’t even winter yet, and that also scares me because I feel like I’m already struggling.

Okay, maybe I am going to set an alarm for 30 min and take a quick nap, because my eyelids are so heavy right now. ♡

Train ride

I’m on the train to Chicago to meet up with one of my best friends for a city adventure day! We’re pretty much playing it by ear, but I’m sure we’ll end up at the new huge Starbucks that recently opened at some point today. I’m excited to be out and having a good time for the weekend; I think I deserve it after working 50+ hours this week.

Work has been stressful, yet also manageable at the same time. I’m having an internal battle with myself when it comes to the hours I’m currently working. One one hand, it’s great that I’m there open to close every day because then I know nothing is getting messed up, but if I want this to be my long-term job, I’m not going to want to work like this all the time. I’m already exhausted as it is, and I don’t want to burn out and quit because I know that this is a great place to stay.

I get paid well at my job and have plenty of flexibility/freedom. Not only does the doctor I work for let me take off whenever I want, but she has a house in Hawaii and she’s always encouraging her employees to just to find some time to take a week off and go stay at her place. I want to do that so bad, but also can’t afford a flight right now. Not only that, but I have plans to visit friends in far places come 2020 so I’m already going to be paying for multiple flights.

I’ve been really focusing on the blessings in my life. I feel that I cannot complain or be upset when I’m seeing the people around me in such shitty situations. I hate when my friends are struggling and when I can’t do much to help. Selfishly, I also hate how much I’m still letting their lives affect mine- which is why I’ve been trying to focus on the positive aspects of my life and life in general. I’m tired of being stressed and upset over things that don’t even directly have an effect on my life.

Luckily today I am spending the day with a drama-free, smart, responsible, adventurous friend! That is what I need in my life and whenever we hang out, even if it’s just chilling in her living room, it’s always a great time. We’re always laughing and encouraging each other to keep staying strong and being positive in life. It’s important to spend time with people who genuinely care about you and who don’t add stress to your life. ♡