Ignorance is bliss.

I have been sitting here trying to write what I am feeling, but I have way too much going through my mind to put this in any sort of order. I am angry with the ignorant people in the world who believe every post they read, or believe any well-known person who spews shit out of their mouth. I am angry with the fact that it seems no one ever thinks for themselves and they just pick a side and argue things strictly based on emotion. I am angry because I have been that person though. I am angry because I am a sensitive person who is easily affected by the emotions and emotional aspects of everything and everyone around me, and there are times where I let that completely take me over.

I get so worked up when I think about all of the negativity in the world, but I am also a person who likes to be educated. I want to know what is going on, but I also overthink everything and I hold on to everything as if it is my own problem. I get so frustrated when I see terrible things happening, but I know there are so many people who literally do not give a fuck about any of it, and this infuriates me. But at the same time, why would anyone want to focus on the negative aspects? Why should we live our lives in a constant state of anger or depression? This is exactly why they say “ignorance is bliss.” When you don’t know what is going on, how could you be upset? BUT THIS IS A PROBLEM. People NEED to educate themselves on what is happening in the world.

This whole post has me arguing in my own mind. Part of me wants to not care at all. I don’t want to care about what is happening, and I want to ignore the fact that the world is shitty, because life goes on anyway. But the other part of me refuses to be blind to reality, while others just believe whatever they want (whether it is actually true or not).

I don’t even want to go on anymore. This was a terrible blog post but it was needed.

 

Self care.

Today has been a good day.

I say that, yet today was an extremely high volume, stressful day at work. By the end of my shift, I had taken more calls than I ever have in this position. Not only that, but I also stayed late, and I only took a 20 minute lunch. However, I had decided that today was my day to start caring more about myself. As busy as it was throughout the day, I kept reminding myself that I am only one person, and I can only get done as much as I can. Honestly, putting myself in that mindset really made me take on the day with more ease. Instead of being in the constant state of anxiety about the workload, I just embraced it and put my best effort in.

I think what also helped is that I also started a low-carb diet again today. I’ll be honest, usually when I have a shitty day at work I will reward myself on my lunch hour and go get a sugary drink from Starbucks or I’ll go get a McChicken, but today I didn’t.  I made some cold brew last night, and I brought some to work along with a salad for lunch. This evening I’ve snacked on some cheese and slim jims, and now I am treating myself to a Miller Lite (hey, it’s only 3.2 carbs per bottle). I honestly think just eating healthier makes me feel better in general, and I want to continue making progress with my physical and mental health.

Another change I’ve made is for the first time in nearly 6 years I am no longer taking my birth control pill. I decided to come off of it for many reasons, but the main one is for my mental health. I have been on a birth control pill that has a different dose of hormones every week, and in the past few months I have finally put together how my mood is almost directly correlated with the dose of hormones I am taking. The first week after my period I always feel motivated and I usually am happier in general, and by the 3rd week I am feeling drained, depressed, agitated, and just miserable overall. I am hoping that coming off of my birth control will help to stabilize my emotions, and I also want to be able to let my body be able to function normally again.

With all of that being said, my boyfriend and I will be taking other precautions to avoid becoming pregnant. I would really like to work on myself and be happy with who I am before I decide to bring any children into the world. I want to be able to cope and deal with stress and my anxiety, so that is does not become a burden for my child. I never want my child to have to worry about me, and I want them to be able to depend on me.  I also want to be able to depend on myself, and that is why I plan to continue this blog and continue to treat myself better. ♡home

Sleep is for the weak / Sleeping for a week

I’ve been struggling for the past couple of weeks.

I haven’t been eating healthy. I’ve been sleeping a lot. I haven’t posted on here or written anything in general. I’ve stopped my morning stretches and stopped communicating with friends. I have gone out a couple of times, which I am proud of, but not I’m not going to pretend that I didn’t think about canceling those plans. I always give up on myself, and it is because I don’t care enough about myself. I do want to care about myself though.

Today was a bit different than the past few days. I actually did some yoga and stretching this morning before work. I also got myself a venti strawberry acai with light ice because that drink is my weakness (highly recommend). I went to get my hair done today after work. Honestly, all day I was dreading the drive, and then knowing that I wouldn’t be in my home until after 11pm made me not want to go at all. But I am glad I went tonight. I need to remember that there are good people out in the world, and it is important to spend time with genuine, down to earth people.

I’m telling myself that this upcoming Monday I will start doing the things that I keep saying I’m going to do. I want to start having a routine in the morning that includes a form of exercise and/or doing something for myself. I want to start reading again, and I want to continue posting on this blog. I also plan to eat healthier, because overall I feel better when I eat well. I plan to get 8-9 hours of sleep at night, instead of 10-11. I want to be productive, and do things for myself that make me happy and make me feel good.

I deserve to love myself, and to do that I need to care about myself first. ♡

 

Volcano.

These past few weeks have been rough. I feel that I am re-connecting with myself, which is a good thing, however what is coming up is mainly anger and resentment I have kept deep inside for several years. I feel the real me is coming to the surface again; the problem is I don’t know how to deal with the emotions and conflicts that are arising. I have been too involved with those who surround me, experiencing their feelings as they go through them, and during this time I have neglected myself. I am realizing now that I cannot do that any longer. I am exhausting myself, both physically and mentally.

In the past few days, some of the pent up rage that I had sitting inside of me made its way to the surface. At one point I was crying so hard that I nearly vomited. My body was shaking and I felt like I was trapped inside my own mind.  I had no idea how to handle what I was experiencing. I ended up having a not-so cordial discussion with my parents via text (yeah, not the best idea I’ve had) and I got some things out that I really needed, and I felt a huge weight lift off of my shoulders. As much as I know it could hurt their feelings, I remembered that they had no problem ignoring my feelings in the past. I deserve to be treated with respect, and I also do not have to put up with the negative B.S. anymore.

I believe that one of the greatest things you can do for yourself is cut negative people out of your life… and sometimes that includes family. The hard part for me is that I feel guilty about shutting someone out, even when it is well deserved. I am always concerned about how others feel, and I never want to hurt anyone’s feelings.  The thing is, I have to remember that when someone doesn’t treat you well for a long period of time, it is okay to distance yourself from them. There is no reason to keep toxic people in your life, when all they are trying to do is bring you down. You have earned the right to be happy with yourself, and if someone is constantly trying to ruin your progress, then they do not have a right to be in your life.

I just want to say that writing is kind of my therapy right now, and I appreciate all who are reading. Even if no one is reading this, I am proud of myself for starting this blog and staying dedicated to it. I am also happy that I have already seen progress in discovering parts of me, and learning how to love those parts, even when they aren’t easy to deal with. I will continue this journey, because I deserve to love myself. ♡

Tell me you love me (I need someone on days like this)

Why is it so easy to love other people, but not myself? It comes naturally for me to see the good in people, yet not in myself. I could tell you every great characteristic about my best friend or my boyfriend or a random person on the street, yet when it comes to me, I have none. Don’t get me wrong, I could probably list some vague, typical traits that most humans have and call it a day, but I can genuinely say that I do not love myself.

I’m not saying this for sympathy and I don’t want anyone to feel “sad” for me or tell me how great I am… this is simply how I feel. I have too much that goes on in my brain, and I can honestly say the thoughts I have about myself aren’t great. I am constantly putting myself down, and focusing on my “flaws” or my “faults” and I know that I am literally torturing myself with these negative thoughts, yet I continue through the cycle because I do not care. I don’t care enough to put it that effort, because I don’t feel that I am worth it. I know I will just end up back here in my dark place, and I think I’m so used to it that I gave up. I gave up on myself.

My best friend sent me a quote the other day that said: “Remember, you have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” The problem with this quote, for me, is that criticizing myself has worked; I have criticized myself to the point where I am no longer good enough for me (if I ever was). As much as I want to approve of myself and write down and repeat happy phrases in my head, I have days like today where I don’t feel like I will get any better.

I have an issue where I am afraid to fail, and the other issue is I always assume I will fail which usually results in me not trying at all, or me giving up after the slightest inconvenience comes around. When I sit and think about me and my life, this is not what I want to be at all. I want to be the person who works towards goals and dreams, and I want to actually care about my physical and mental health. Hopefully this blog will help me get to that point- I mean I did do this for me, and I haven’t given up yet. ♡

Take me back to Sunnyland.

My favorite band released a new album on June 15th, and today was the first day I listened to every song on it. Listening to them always brings me to a place in my mind where I feel the most real. I do not consider myself to be a “fake” person, but I do feel that I put on a smile more often than I actually want to, and I tolerate certain things that I probably shouldn’t. I rarely speak my thoughts allowed in fear of how it would affect someone else. I am someone who never likes to “rock the boat”; I basically avoid confrontation. I would much rather there be no conflict and just have peace, but also I cannot let people walk all over me, and that is why this is something that I want to work on.

I’m not saying that I want to go around shoving my opinions in everyone’s business and blatantly offending people, however I do plan to be more open and vocal about my thoughts, rather than silently agreeing to avoid conflict. I will express my perspective and viewpoints, even when I am disagreeing with someone. I plan to express how I am feeling, and I will not have shame for my emotions and thoughts, because they are mine. I have to embrace the fact that I am an emotional person, and remember that I am an empath. I often absorb other people’s emotional burdens, and take them on even if I have never been their situation.

I find being an empath to be a blessing and a curse; I enjoy being able to relate and connect with the people I love, but it is exhausting to completely feel other people’s emotions, especially when I end up ignoring my own. I find that when I have close friends or family members going through tough situations, I often am so focused on how they are feeling, that I inherit what they feel and no longer care about my own feelings. This can go on for days, weeks, months… however long the situation is that they are going through. For the most part, I can only handle people in small doses, as it drains me physically, mentally, and emotionally. This is and of itself already upsets some of my friends, but I can only handle so much.

This is who I am, and I have to remember that it is okay to take time away from people. It is actually a great idea to take time away from people, and focus on yourself.  One of the benefits of being an empath is something that happened to me just today, and it is actually the inspiration for this post: music. Simply listening to a powerful lyrics has a positive affect on me, and that is one of the blessings I have being an empath. As I write this ending, lyrics are pouring into my ears, filling my mind, and bringing me to the place where I feel truly myself. ♡

 

They say you have to start “somewhere…” this is my “somewhere.”

This is a learning experience for me. I often will start different projects or hobbies, and I always give up on them. I realize that I am the only one hindering myself from reaching my goals. I have let myself stand in the way of progressing, and for that I have resented myself. I am on a journey to learn how to let go, and move forward. I hope to attain an understanding of what it means to truly love myself, and how to appreciate and admire every aspect of who I am. I hope others are able to join me on this adventure. ♡

“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.” – Diane Von Furtstenberg

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