anxious

Thankful

blog

Last night my mother had a stroke. She’s only 52 and has not had any prior signs indicating that this would happen, however she has high blood pressure that she has not been managing. We’re still waiting on MRI results, but I was able to go visit her in the hospital and am so relieved that she is alert and talking.

I don’t honestly feel like going into all the details, but so far things look good. I hate seeing her worry; I just kept staying positive and reminding her that she’s so lucky and thanked her for being here. I talk to my mom almost every day, and to think that one day she won’t be here terrifies me… but lucky for me, I have her now.

She is still in the hospital and will be until at least tomorrow. We are blessed to have time to get her into healthier habits and get her BP regulated; hopefully I have some more decades with her. For now, I am so thankful that she is here and recovering. Just a reminder to hold your loved ones close and tell them that you love them whenever you can, and be thankful for them while they’re here.

Relief.

blog

I let my friend know that I was struggling to hear about her friends death, and honestly the conversion went so well it almost left me feeling angry with myself; instead I reminded myself that I am still growing and I can take this as a lesson and move forward. I found myself hesitating to put myself first out of fear of coming off like a selfish asshole, when in reality that’s the exact opposite of what I am trying to do.

It’s okay to be overwhelmed and it’s okay if certain things are triggering; what’s not okay is expecting people to understand when you haven’t communicated with them. I was avoiding an important conversation out of fear of confrontation, but having the conversation felt like a huge weight was lifted off of me. And now I can also take time to heal and see what boundaries work for me.

I ordered a couple more books off amazon today. After reading “The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success,” I feel the need to dive more into learning about being aware and present, as well as the law of attraction. I have always believed in and been interested in Karma, but I never focused so much on what I was giving to the universe each day. I am excited to go on this inward, spiritual journey and learn more about myself.

Yesterday was the first time in several months, if not a year, that I had inspiration to write a poem. I sat down and wrote the first two lines that I had sitting in my head, and the rest just seemed to pour right out of me. Although it’s probably not my best work (I’ll have to go back and re-read it), I am just happy that I had that sudden feeling to write!

I’m excited for the week ahead, and excited to see my best friend this upcoming weekend for us to finally celebrate our Christmas together LOL. I hope everyone has a great week!

Appreciate.

blog

I always make sure that the ones closest to me are appreciated. My boyfriend is the person who does the most for me, and I tell him every day how much I appreciate him and make sure he feels loved. We’ve been together since we were 16, and I’m 26 now. We always make sure we are supporting one another and caring for one another. I am grateful everyday that I have him in my life, and I make him a top priority as this benefits both of us in our life together.

As we grow older, we tend to grow away from people. I see myself growing away from friendships; I am seeing which friendships are healthy and which ones aren’t. I go through a battle in my head where I debate bringing up my observations to friends in fear of offending them, but at the same time, I feel like a bad friend if I am observing a friend display some unhealthy behaviors and I never bring it to their attention.

I also know I am not a doctor or expert on mental health, but there are truly some things that are just obvious. People also love to share their lives on the internet so more people can observe these behaviors. I honestly truly feel that everyone can benefit from therapy, and especially when you have a known mental illness and/or diagnosis. I mean, why wouldn’t you want to work on yourself so you can have a better life for yourself?

As I’ve stated in previous posts, I understand that therapy isn’t something everyone can afford, but there are things we can do on our own that can help make our daily lives better. One of those things is practicing gratitude: focus on what you have and appreciate your blessings! You tend to forget how good you have it when you don’t take the time to acknowledge and appreciate.

Another good way to take care of yourself is to take social media breaks; I saw that Lush Cosmetics recently deleted all social media platforms in lieu of information that came out about how terrible instagram is for young teens’ mental health. The constant comparing yourself to others, seeing how others are “better” or “prettier” is a sure way to feel unsatisfied in your current life.

I am glad that I have been able to go to therapy and learn to practice better habits in my life. I am so blessed to have a wonderful man in my life, supportive friends/family, and my three beautiful kitties! My boyfriend and I are blessed to have good jobs, a spacious townhome, and reliable cars that we enjoy. Of course we all have struggles and tough times that come about, but it’s so important to count your blessings whenever you can.

Been Busy.

blog

I almost forgot to write again today! I’ve been slacking on the Sunday posting the last couple of weeks, I’ve just been enjoying time with my boyfriend and my friends! On Friday I hung out with one of my best friend’s house and we went out to Rookies for a drink and some appetizers; I stayed over at her place so that I could watch her son in the morning while she went to an appointment! It was nice spending time with them and being reminded how imaginative children’s minds are.

This week I am starting work an hour early every day so I can make up hours for my doctors appointment this upcoming Friday. They could only schedule me in the middle of the day on weekdays, so I had to make it work. My boyfriend happens to be off on Friday, so he will be attending my breast ultrasound with me! I’m expecting a quick “yup, your cyst grew, just keep your surgeon appointment for December,” and then we can leave and get smoothies LOL.

On Saturday I get to see one of my good friends and I’m super excited! We’re gonna grab some coffee from this cute little chocolate cafe in my neighborhood, and just chill at my place! I’m happy to stay in; it’s always nice to relax and just chat with good company. The following weekend my cousin and his girlfriend will be visiting which I’m looking forward to as well!

It’s been a pretty busy November, I’m hoping things can slow down a bit next month! I’m going to be mindful about scheduling so that I don’t feel too overwhelmed with plans. I already know there are a couple of toddlers’ birthday parties coming up next month, so maybe I won’t schedule anything else!

Rough days

blog

Although my boyfriend and I had a wonderful anniversary on Saturday, I had a rough mental day yesterday and it feels like it’s on today as well. I’m just extra emotional and sensitive- I feel like I’m getting easily overwhelmed by things that haven’t been overwhelming me.

Yesterday we needed to find some clothes for my cousin’s wedding this upcoming weekend, and after going to five different stores and finding absolutely nothing I felt pretty defeated. I know it’s not a huge deal, but I hate having to do things during the week and I also hate when I can’t complete a task so it triggered some anxious feelings. I also had gone all day thinking my period was finally over, but turns out that my body was teasing me (which also likely explains the anxiety/emotions).

In the evening yesterday I went to make Ramen (because I was too distraught to grocery shop, another fail that was eating at me), and I over-cooked the noodles. Again, not a huge deal, but to me it was. I cried. I just felt like literally anything I needed to do, was not able to get done. I felt like I was non-stop failing everything and then failing emotionally for letting these “small things” get to me.

The entire day, my boyfriend was reminding me that these things weren’t detrimental, and that was still have solutions for the issues. I felt like I apologized to him about 250 times and every time he would tell me that there was nothing to be sorry about. I apologized for being emotional and crazy, and he just said “you aren’t as bad as you think you are.”

That statement there made me start wondering at what point in my life I developed such a strong hatred toward myself and my mental state. I have empathy for all my friends/family who have mental issues, and I would never even think about speaking to them the way I do to myself; I don’t even feel like I need to! Why do I feel the need to be mad at myself? That’s something I want to dig into a bit more, I can’t see my therapist for a couple of months as my insurance lapsed and she’s hella booked out, but in the meantime I can do my own work. I’m worth working on.

Sick

blog

Well I’ve been sick since about Thursday. I’ve had multiple negative covid tests (mainly for work as I didn’t really think I had it). Every year when the weather changes I get bad post-nasal drip which turns into a sore throat, then a cough and into a sinus infection! Honestly it’s terrible, and I’m just trying to rest and drink plenty of fluids and take vitamins.

I don’t have insurance right now due to my job transition, so I don’t plan on going to the doctor for this. I’m hoping I’ll start feeling better soon, as I’m not trying to get sent home from work or told to get a doctor’s note. My insurance should be active in a couple of weeks, so of course all of this was bound to happen right now. I am blessed that it isn’t covid though, and I’m happy that I have had this weekend to rest and hydrate.

I was able to get a little bit of crafting done for my next shop drop on October 15th, which makes me feel good since I’ve been pretty tired. I had planned to go to the dollar tree and michael’s today, but I honestly don’t want to go into any stores right now. I know it’s not covid and I’ll have a mask on, but I know I’ll still feel all self-conscious if I cough or something and don’t want everyone freaking out. I’m also exhausted so I really don’t feel like going out.

If anyone has any tips for natural or over-the-counter remedies that have worked for them for cough/sinus infection I am all ears! I hope everyone else is well.

Labor Day

blog

I cannot believe it’s already Labor Day… I feel like we already lost out on a whole year (2020) but now I’m like how is it about to be 2022??? In my timeline of life, ideally I would want to be getting pregnant this time next year with my first baby and already be married, but my boyfriend is still not my fiancé yet so we will see how that’s goes LOL.

Honestly I am happy with how life is going, and I want to keep this timeline in mind as motivation to keep me working out and eating healthier. I want to be much more healthy and fit by the time that I get pregnant/have children so that I can teach them how to have healthy habits as they grow up. I also know it may take a while to get pregnant, or I may find out I cannot get pregnant, in which case it will still be better to be healthy incase I have to try IVF.

I don’t want that to come off as negative or worried about the worst case, I truly just look at that as something normal that can happen, along with miscarriages! I think the problem is we weren’t really taught that in health class or in any type of schooling that 1 in 4 women have a miscarriage and a lot also struggle with infertility issues. I feel like since I’m very aware of that and have friends who have gone through all of the above, that is just something I’m (somewhat) mentally prepared for.

Overall there are obviously more reasons to want to get healthy and get stronger, but I am going to try to keep this in mind as the months and years keep flying by. I’m the only person who can make these changes and make healthy habits for myself, and my future self and children deserve it!

Battling Guilt

blog

Well, I decided to leave my current position and take the billing job with my old company! I felt a huge sigh of relief when I finally made my decision and accepted the offer, but now I am battling all of the guilty feelings. I had to tell my team yesterday that I was leaving, and it was not taken well. I know that this office has been through way too much…before me especially; but that cannot keep me from doing what I feel is best for me. I tried to keep them in good spirits by letting them know that my coworker would be their new Team Lead, and that she knows everything that I do. She is reliable, a hard-worker, and we all love her; she will do an amazing job as Team Lead. I understand that we work well together as a team, but she will find a compatible coworker and train her to be just as good.

I do want to explain what made me finally decide on the other position. As I said before, my manager from my previous office reached out to me originally with the offer to come to the billing team, and they would give me all my benefits back as if I never left. I originally declined because she could not give me more than what I was making hourly, and I preferred that as my insurance will be more expensive at that company (but hopefully my boyfriend and I will be getting a civil union or married so I can get on his insurance). I started the interview process for the billing team at my current company, and that office is an hour from my house (so I had to keep that in mind).

I hated the drive; I felt like it was such as long waste of time. I got there, and when I did my interview I let him know that I had another offer and I needed to make a certain amount in order to consider the billing job at that location. He let me know that he would talk to some people and get back to me, but it likely would not be until this week (and this was last Monday). He said once they gave me more information, if I want to move forward I would talk to my front desk coworker about moving up to Team Lead. Fast forward to this passed Tuesday (one week and a day after my interview), I am scrolling on Indeed and I see that my current position is on there: “Team Leader” at (insert my current place of work). Not only that, it said “posted 5 days ago.” FIVE DAYS AGO? Um, I do not remember getting any offer or accepting this billing job? Also, what about current front desk coworker- she is supposed to take my position!

So, clearly this upset me. I emailed my regional coach right away to tell her what I saw, and explained why my current front desk should be the new Team Lead. When she spoke to me the next day (yesterday) she let me know that they would consider her, but also were worried about experience (which is what they said when we originally brought her on, but she is AMAZING). She also said she would be in touch with the guy who interviewed me and get back to me about what information they had, and never acknowledged the fact that they posted the indeed ad without me even accepting the offer. I still knew I had a current job, but honestly, once I saw that it was up for grabs, I knew I had to make a decision to work an hour from my house (for maybe no more money?) or take the offer at the other place since it had already been 10 days since they offered it to me, and I’m sure they had other candidates interviewing. So, I waited for my boyfriend’s lunch to call him on the phone and discuss options, and we decided it was best to take the job at my previous company; I immediately reached out and asked if the position was still available and was relieved when she said it was.

I am finishing out my two weeks at my current job, and I want to get my coworker feeling organized and confident that she’s got this! Of course now one of the CEO’s is reaching out to me as he just found out that I put in my notice (ahem, two days ago), and is asking what they can do to keep me. Well, they can’t. I already accepted an offer, and I am excited to be working a normal schedule, with no weekends. I am excited to have a guaranteed 40 hours, and it is less than 30 minutes from my house which is what I wanted. Not only that, but this is work that I won’t ever bring home with me. I will be verifying insurances, entering checks, helping offices figure out accounts/balances… I won’t have to interact with any patients. I am happy to have steady hours that are always the same; it makes it easier to get into a good, healthy routine.

I know that I made the right choice for myself, but I cannot help but feel like I am abandoning my team. I know they will be fine without me, but I felt so bad when I had to hear their reactions when I told them I was leaving. One of the hygienists cried; they honestly all looked defeated. They started saying how they finally felt stable with a good team, and that I got this place back where it should be, and I reminded them that now the mess is cleaned up, and my current coworker knows how to keep it this way. She will be able to train the next person, and I am sure they will be a great team together. I can’t help but go back and forth feeling guilt, but I am just reminding myself that I made the right decision.

Sunny Sunday!

blog

It’s such a beautiful day outside, yet I’ve been inside most of the day organizing and cleaning the house. Honestly it feels great, and I still have time to go on a walk as it’s only 2:30pm. I also did some crafting today; I made a couple of canvases for my living room.

I’ve been feeling like getting off of social media again. I got back on Facebook for my small business and I am back to scrolling a lot. Today I logged out so that when I pull up the app I can stop and decide if I am going on there for business or not and just get back off. Twitter is where I spend a lot of time and truly it’s kind of a hellhole, but the astrology people on there are interesting to me LOL! I like reading that stuff even if some people don’t think it’s real, I truly think it just helps with self-reflection and being aware.

I still haven’t made a decision about work, which I guess means I may be staying where I am? To be fair, my current job told me they had to talk to some people and I wouldn’t hear much until next week. Part of me still is hesitant to stay because of the drive and I don’t want to be wasting all of my time, but also the insurance is much more affordable at this job. It’s just stressful to think about, and my boyfriend’s HR won’t get back to him on if we need to be married or need a civil union or whatever. I’m honestly not really focusing on that right now, I’m trying to get the house clean and start preparing for my first crafting “drop!”

I’ve been really proud of myself for how I’ve been managing all of this stress while also no longer being on anxiety medication! It’s been over 6 weeks now, and I am honestly feeling really good! I feel my emotions again, but I also feel like I am 100% gaining more control over them. I’ve been focusing more on gratitude which is helping me to get through the negative situations. It is a lot of practice and it’s hard, but creating healthy habits is important, and I want to do this for myself.

I also am going to be more mindful about how I eat and how active I am, as I want to be healthy. I want to starting trying to have children within the next couple years, and I want to make sure that I am active and get into healthy habits so that I can continue them postpartum, and teach them to my children as well. What I choose to do today affects my future self, and I need to be mindful of that

.

Indecisive

blog

I have been going back and forth trying to make a decision about what to do with my job situation. I currently have a job that I like, but I have not been getting my full 40 hours for several weeks now, and it is starting to become stressful. I recently had my manager from my last job reach out and asked if I wanted to work in the billing department for her, and offered $1 more an hour, steady 40 hours a week, no weekends, and give me my vacation time back immediately as if I never left- the issue is the insurance is more expensive as they are a smaller company. So although I would “make more money,” it would be going to my insurance. The one good thing is it is a little closer to home than my current job. I am trying to see if I can get on my boyfriend’s insurance without being married, as we do have a joint account and are both on our current mortgage. If I can do that, that may sway me into going to that job.

On the other hand, I work for a company that wants to keep their employees, and I told them about my offer and how much I would want to get paid to stay and transition into being in their billing team; I had to keep in mind that it is quite a bit further of a drive to work. However, they can let me work from home two days a week once I am fully trained, and I would also have steady hours and not work weekends. I know a lot of people don’t care about the drive, but I just keep thinking about having an hour commute to work and then back, but also how it’ll be even longer in the winter.

In the midst of all of this stress, I came up with a craft drop schedule for my small shop! I will post it with this blog, that way if anyone wants to follow along on my Instagram or Facebook page! I am really excited to take this leap and give myself deadlines; it is important to set goals if you want to reach them! I can think about stuff I want to do as much as I want, but until I put in the work, all those thoughts will ever be are just thoughts. I keep reminding myself that you cannot rely on motivation as it is temporary, you have to rely on yourself, which requires discipline. I set up a crafting schedule so that I am constantly working on projects and being creative; I work well with routine and schedules, so as long as I put it on the schedule it will get done. Also, posting publicly about it also gives that added incentive to get it done and do a good job, as I can just hope someone is waiting to see what I’ve made!

I am open to any thoughts/advice anyone has, and appreciate any who are here reading this! I hope you all have a great week.