Battling Guilt

Well, I decided to leave my current position and take the billing job with my old company! I felt a huge sigh of relief when I finally made my decision and accepted the offer, but now I am battling all of the guilty feelings. I had to tell my team yesterday that I was leaving, and it was not taken well. I know that this office has been through way too much…before me especially; but that cannot keep me from doing what I feel is best for me. I tried to keep them in good spirits by letting them know that my coworker would be their new Team Lead, and that she knows everything that I do. She is reliable, a hard-worker, and we all love her; she will do an amazing job as Team Lead. I understand that we work well together as a team, but she will find a compatible coworker and train her to be just as good.

I do want to explain what made me finally decide on the other position. As I said before, my manager from my previous office reached out to me originally with the offer to come to the billing team, and they would give me all my benefits back as if I never left. I originally declined because she could not give me more than what I was making hourly, and I preferred that as my insurance will be more expensive at that company (but hopefully my boyfriend and I will be getting a civil union or married so I can get on his insurance). I started the interview process for the billing team at my current company, and that office is an hour from my house (so I had to keep that in mind).

I hated the drive; I felt like it was such as long waste of time. I got there, and when I did my interview I let him know that I had another offer and I needed to make a certain amount in order to consider the billing job at that location. He let me know that he would talk to some people and get back to me, but it likely would not be until this week (and this was last Monday). He said once they gave me more information, if I want to move forward I would talk to my front desk coworker about moving up to Team Lead. Fast forward to this passed Tuesday (one week and a day after my interview), I am scrolling on Indeed and I see that my current position is on there: “Team Leader” at (insert my current place of work). Not only that, it said “posted 5 days ago.” FIVE DAYS AGO? Um, I do not remember getting any offer or accepting this billing job? Also, what about current front desk coworker- she is supposed to take my position!

So, clearly this upset me. I emailed my regional coach right away to tell her what I saw, and explained why my current front desk should be the new Team Lead. When she spoke to me the next day (yesterday) she let me know that they would consider her, but also were worried about experience (which is what they said when we originally brought her on, but she is AMAZING). She also said she would be in touch with the guy who interviewed me and get back to me about what information they had, and never acknowledged the fact that they posted the indeed ad without me even accepting the offer. I still knew I had a current job, but honestly, once I saw that it was up for grabs, I knew I had to make a decision to work an hour from my house (for maybe no more money?) or take the offer at the other place since it had already been 10 days since they offered it to me, and I’m sure they had other candidates interviewing. So, I waited for my boyfriend’s lunch to call him on the phone and discuss options, and we decided it was best to take the job at my previous company; I immediately reached out and asked if the position was still available and was relieved when she said it was.

I am finishing out my two weeks at my current job, and I want to get my coworker feeling organized and confident that she’s got this! Of course now one of the CEO’s is reaching out to me as he just found out that I put in my notice (ahem, two days ago), and is asking what they can do to keep me. Well, they can’t. I already accepted an offer, and I am excited to be working a normal schedule, with no weekends. I am excited to have a guaranteed 40 hours, and it is less than 30 minutes from my house which is what I wanted. Not only that, but this is work that I won’t ever bring home with me. I will be verifying insurances, entering checks, helping offices figure out accounts/balances… I won’t have to interact with any patients. I am happy to have steady hours that are always the same; it makes it easier to get into a good, healthy routine.

I know that I made the right choice for myself, but I cannot help but feel like I am abandoning my team. I know they will be fine without me, but I felt so bad when I had to hear their reactions when I told them I was leaving. One of the hygienists cried; they honestly all looked defeated. They started saying how they finally felt stable with a good team, and that I got this place back where it should be, and I reminded them that now the mess is cleaned up, and my current coworker knows how to keep it this way. She will be able to train the next person, and I am sure they will be a great team together. I can’t help but go back and forth feeling guilt, but I am just reminding myself that I made the right decision.

Planning.

I’ve been on my new medication for almost 2 weeks and have been feeling pretty good! It’s hard to tell if the medication is actually working yet, or if I have just had less anxiety in general since making the decision to stay in my current position at work. Regardless, I’m feeling good at this time and am happy about it!

My boyfriend and I just booked a cruise for October which we’re very excited about! I’m also taking a mini-trip in April to visit my best friend and her son in Florida! I feel that planning future vacations/events/concerts is something that really helps me get out of my depression funk, because I know there’s something to look forward to. However, I’m also very cheap (or as my aunt would say: “financially responsible”). I’m not the person to go out and buy new clothes or get my nails done when I’m depressed, because even though I know it’ll help in the short-term to make me happy, I end up stressing over the money in the future.

That being said, for the next several months I will be super stingy with my money so that I can pay off the cruise in a few months, and to make sure this time I’m not hurting for several weeks after the cruise (that casino can really get you lol). Planning ahead is something that keeps me sane, but also I am constantly thinking/planning ahead that I find myself struggling to live in the moment.

I’m always trying hard to make things easier for future me, that often times I don’t slow down to think/care about my present self. People look at me and think I’m very smart and responsible, which I do appreciate, but they can’t see everything that’s happening underneath. I’m obsessed with being financially stable. I’m constantly worrying about money, even when I don’t need to, and I almost always feel guilty when I buy something for myself because I know at some point in the future I may want/need that money.

I’m not exactly sure why I am this way, but I know it started at a young age. I’ve always saved my allowance and birthday money, and I remember I went out and spent all of the $170 I had on a black and pink Stingray bicycle. I thought it was so cool because it looked like a motorcycle, but once I was home and riding it I just kept thinking about how all of that money I saved was gone. The bike started making a ticking noise that same day I got it, and the next day I brought it back and got all of my money back and never spent it all again.

I have a couple of obsessive habits, mainly the money and cleaning. I’m always cleaning or “straightening up” the house, because I can’t stand when things are on the table or on the floor. If something is on a table it must be placed in a good spot and be organized. I have friends who are like “I wish I was like you,” or “I wish my anxiety worked like that,” which I definitely understand, but at the same time is this any way to live? What does it matter if the table is a little cluttered for a few days? It’s not like we have people over very often anyways! I feel that I obsess/care about things that aren’t that important, but I place a importance on these tasks.

I think the reason that I place such a high priority on cleaning because I’m always trying to plan ahead so future me can relax or do something fun, but that time never seems to come. It’s hard too because I also have some moderate depression, and there are days where getting out of bed or brushing my hair seems like a daunting task, but my anxiety always wins. I’ll get anxious if I am sitting in bed for too long, because how will I ever catch up if I’m not keeping up?

I annoy myself often, and I also get angry with myself for having these thoughts/tendencies, but what I need to learn to do is embrace them and use them to my advantage. I’m hoping that staying on this medication will help me to keep a calmer headspace so I can learn to love myself and not hate these aspects of myself. ♡