Planning.

I’ve been on my new medication for almost 2 weeks and have been feeling pretty good! It’s hard to tell if the medication is actually working yet, or if I have just had less anxiety in general since making the decision to stay in my current position at work. Regardless, I’m feeling good at this time and am happy about it!

My boyfriend and I just booked a cruise for October which we’re very excited about! I’m also taking a mini-trip in April to visit my best friend and her son in Florida! I feel that planning future vacations/events/concerts is something that really helps me get out of my depression funk, because I know there’s something to look forward to. However, I’m also very cheap (or as my aunt would say: “financially responsible”). I’m not the person to go out and buy new clothes or get my nails done when I’m depressed, because even though I know it’ll help in the short-term to make me happy, I end up stressing over the money in the future.

That being said, for the next several months I will be super stingy with my money so that I can pay off the cruise in a few months, and to make sure this time I’m not hurting for several weeks after the cruise (that casino can really get you lol). Planning ahead is something that keeps me sane, but also I am constantly thinking/planning ahead that I find myself struggling to live in the moment.

I’m always trying hard to make things easier for future me, that often times I don’t slow down to think/care about my present self. People look at me and think I’m very smart and responsible, which I do appreciate, but they can’t see everything that’s happening underneath. I’m obsessed with being financially stable. I’m constantly worrying about money, even when I don’t need to, and I almost always feel guilty when I buy something for myself because I know at some point in the future I may want/need that money.

I’m not exactly sure why I am this way, but I know it started at a young age. I’ve always saved my allowance and birthday money, and I remember I went out and spent all of the $170 I had on a black and pink Stingray bicycle. I thought it was so cool because it looked like a motorcycle, but once I was home and riding it I just kept thinking about how all of that money I saved was gone. The bike started making a ticking noise that same day I got it, and the next day I brought it back and got all of my money back and never spent it all again.

I have a couple of obsessive habits, mainly the money and cleaning. I’m always cleaning or “straightening up” the house, because I can’t stand when things are on the table or on the floor. If something is on a table it must be placed in a good spot and be organized. I have friends who are like “I wish I was like you,” or “I wish my anxiety worked like that,” which I definitely understand, but at the same time is this any way to live? What does it matter if the table is a little cluttered for a few days? It’s not like we have people over very often anyways! I feel that I obsess/care about things that aren’t that important, but I place a importance on these tasks.

I think the reason that I place such a high priority on cleaning because I’m always trying to plan ahead so future me can relax or do something fun, but that time never seems to come. It’s hard too because I also have some moderate depression, and there are days where getting out of bed or brushing my hair seems like a daunting task, but my anxiety always wins. I’ll get anxious if I am sitting in bed for too long, because how will I ever catch up if I’m not keeping up?

I annoy myself often, and I also get angry with myself for having these thoughts/tendencies, but what I need to learn to do is embrace them and use them to my advantage. I’m hoping that staying on this medication will help me to keep a calmer headspace so I can learn to love myself and not hate these aspects of myself. ♡

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