Self.

I have been in a better state of mind recently. A couple of weeks ago I went to visit my best friend in Florida, and although my skin did not handle the sun very well, I feel that vacation was exactly what I needed. I have done a decent amount of traveling, but this time felt a lot different. I felt more independent, and in control of my thoughts and emotions. I felt like I was patient, and able to go with the flow of things a lot better than I normally would have. It could be the medication, or just being so close to the ocean and sunshine… but whatever it is I am so very thankful that I had the opportunity to take that time away.

I have been doing a lot of self-reflecting, but this time around I am feeling much more productive when looking inside. Normally I am so hard on myself and tell myself that I am the reason I’m upset, while that may be true, there are other ways I can communicate that within myself. Instead of hating myself for being depressed or angry, I can make sure I do something to help lift my mood, or at least try to remind myself of my better qualities. There is no point in sitting around and sulking; if anything it makes depression much worse. If you are constantly focusing on the negative things happening in life, how often are you letting the good things pass by?

I always have felt like I am racing the clock. I always feel like I am running out of time, no matter what I do. I recognize this about myself, and I would like to change it. Lately I have been enjoying the moments, and living in them. I am trying to be off of social media more, and actually enjoying the real life that is right in front of me. I think a lot of people get lost in the trance of seeking validation from others, while simultaneously judging and comparing themselves to everyone else. Not only that, but it seems people are so focused on making their lives look like they are great and happy, instead of actually trying to enjoy the moments they have.

One of the hardest things for me is that I have a hard time dissociating myself from other people’s emotions and situations. I have a good group of friends, and many of them are going through some hard shit right now, which is very hard for me to watch and deal with because I tend to feel what they are feeling. I have been reading a bit more into being an empath and plan to get some books on the subject, as I want to be able to help my friends, but also need to be able to keep my mind/body separate from their emotions. A terrible thing happened near my home recently that had made international news, which what that an innocent, young boy named AJ was murdered by his parents. I become physically sick when I think about this, which has made it hard for me to read about the case or participate in the memorial services in the town… but I know what is best for my health at this time is to stay away from it. Until I can learn to separate myself from the emotions, I have to just stay away.

I am sure some of my friends may feel like I am more distant, but right now this is what I have to do. I want to be able to help my friends in the best way I can, but when I am unable to separate myself from the situation it makes it very hard. I am the only person who is guaranteed to be with me until my dying day, and I need to learn more about myself and how to control my emotions. Self love is not selfish, it is important. ♡

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