anxious

Another day, Another post

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Today was my second Wednesday off after starting my new schedule! I got breakfast with a good friend for her birthday this morning, and once I was home I did some dishes and laundry. I made sure to get my groceries yesterday after work instead of today, so I had the whole day free to do whatever!

I listened to a few podcasts, went on a walk, and even was able to join Gabrielle Bernstein’s zoom call where she recorded an episode of “Dear Gabby!” I honestly almost chickened out, but I was so glad I didn’t! There were about 80 participants in the meeting, all of us could chat and we remained muted unless we were picked to ask her a question!

It was nice listening to other people and remembering that we are all truly so similar; imagine what we could accomplish if we’d just take the time to listen and have real conversations with others. I honestly even cried listening to her speak and answer questions, and again it was just happy tears feeling like I was where I was supposed to be!

Over the weekend I picked up a couple of Gabby’s books, one of which my mom was nice enough to get for me as an early birthday gift! We had gone out for breakfast together and went to the bookstore afterwards, and that’s where I picked up “Judgement Detox,” and then I found “Happy Days.” I was originally looking for “Happy Days,” so when I finally found it my mom said that would be my gift from her and my dad for my birthday, and I am so grateful!

I haven’t started them yet, as I am already currently reading two books, but I am ready to dedicate time to reading more again so I can move onto her books next! I have been feeling good lately and plan to keep it that way; I had to mute some accounts on instagram just to escape from some of the negativity and drama, and honestly I am proud of myself for setting that boundary.

For a while now I haven’t followed any news or radio shows, because I am tired of consuming tragedy after tragedy and feeling like everything I see is horrible. I’d rather feed my brain with positivity, growth, and happiness. I prefer to not be ignorant to the current events, but I can also seek information out on my own and try to find unbiased sources, rather than believing everything that people share on social media.

Social media definitely has major impacts on mental health (just google it), which is why I do my best to keep everything on my page positive and I like/save positive posts to help the algorithm share more of those things to my feed. We choose what we consume on a daily basis, make sure you pay attention to what you feed your brain.

Self-Care Sunday

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I posted this photo on Instagram this morning and decided to share it here as well!

“self care means dedicating time to do the things that you love for yourself. self care means resting when your brain/body tells you that you need it. self care is deepening your awareness of your emotions and triggers, so you can be more in control of your own mindset. so many people will say they don’t have time for themselves, but this time is necessary. everyone deserves to be their best selves, not only for yourself, but for everyone around you. your partner deserves you at your best, your children deserve you at your best, and you deserve to feel you best. dedicate that time for yourself, because self care is NOT selfish, it is a necessity.”

Check in/Reflection

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How am I feeling? I’ve been having some obnoxious PMS the past few days; the on and off nausea is what’s bothering me the most. I’ve been so irritable and emotional and my period is supposedly coming in a few days, so I’m hoping that all of this goes away. I was going to go out to the bars last night with some friends, but decided to stay in since drinking would definitely not help my nausea. I also have just been feeling like I want to be alone lately; I need to do some self-reflection.

I recently was thinking about how I wasn’t always the nicest person as a kid, and I still find myself being judgmental of others. I was super critical of myself when I was younger, and that also made me critical of those around me. As I’ve grown older and been on my self-love journey over the last couple of years, I’m realizing that when I am being judgmental of someone else, it’s because I am seeing something of myself in them.

Often times how we feel about others is a reflection of how we’re feeling about ourselves. For example, money is a huge trigger for me/my anxiety. A lot of my sense of worth and control is revolved around money, which is another thing I am working on. If I find myself being judgmental of how someone is spending their money, it’s because I have an issue/insecurity about myself and my money habits. What someone else does with their life is none of my business, I can only control myself and my mindset.

I also know that I am a very empathetic and understanding person; I can very easily put myself in someone else’s shoes and get an understanding of why they make the choices they do. It’s also helpful to realize that most people do have unresolved traumas and are the way they are because of that. We couldn’t control our childhood or how we were parented, but today we can control how we parent ourselves.

Diving into what we truly need and finding out how we can give that to ourselves is extremely important. I need loving, healthy relationships, whether with my boyfriend or with friends or family; I can no longer tolerate those who do not respect myself or my boundaries. I get to choose who I spend time with and who is in my life.

I need to feel healthy, and how I do that is try to get my body moving every day, even if it’s just a bit of stretching. I try to balance making sure I get my veggies and fruits in everyday, as well as protein, but I could definitely be better at that. That is something I can try to spend more time/effort on so I feel that I’m living true to my values.

I need to feel knowledgeable, and I have been listening to podcasts more recently as well as reading! I was on a good streak for reading but kind of slowed down within the lag couple months. If I dedicate time to get back into reading, I will feel more fulfilled as I know one of my goals is to write a book one day, and this will definitely be helpful in getting me there. The more books I read, the more knowledge I’ll have and be able to apply to my life and maybe even my first book!

I enjoy experiences, but I also like to do so on a budget. I could look into more local free events and see if friends want to attend, or maybe even just go alone. An experience can really be anything; going to a farmers market, checking out the local library, walking on a new trail… there are truly endless options. Something I could do is set a goal to do at least one new experience a month, and if I want to increase frequency, I can!

I want to heal my traumas and learn how to manage stress and my emotions. I still see my therapist every once in a while, and I make it a point to listen to healing podcasts and follow self-love accounts on instagram, but I know there is more I can do. Writing this blog post is something that is so important, because it is allowing me to talk to myself and figure out my true wants/needs.

I think we all have an idea of what we want, but when we look deeper we find that we aren’t really living a lifestyle that is in alignment with our desires. I want to live a life that is in alignment with my values, and I feel like I am already doing this! However, I also feel that I can dedicate more time to myself and my desires, and I deserve that. We all deserve to live our best lives as our best selves!

Happy Tears

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I am feeling a overwhelming amount of emotions, and I can’t stop crying. I just discovered Gabrielle Bernstein and, this may not make sense, but I feel like I found my future self. I was listening to the latest episode of Jay Shetty and he had her on, and now I just listened to one of her episodes from her podcast “Dear Gabby,” and I just keep crying, but not out of sadness… I feel like it’s almost out of gratitude? I am just feeling like I meant to stumble upon her.

She said she has several self-help books and she wrote them within her journey and she felt that her readers would benefit from being on that journey. I keep going back and forth about writing a book and thinking that I have to do it once I’m “fully healed,” but we aren’t really ever fully healed, are we? Life keeps going, new stresses and traumas come about, we just learn to navigate and develop new ways to self-soothe.

The ideal self-soothing techniques would be tuned into self-growth, rather than self-destruction, which is exactly what I am trying to do now. I am actively trying to give myself grace and remind myself that I am human, and I think a lot of people could also benefit from doing this. Being hard on ourselves doesn’t necessarily help us; sure, it’s good to expect more from yourself, but not to the point where you break yourself down to nothing.

We deserve to love ourselves, and the more love we have for our authentic selves, the more we can love others. The world would be such a better place if everyone looked at people though the lens of love and empathy, because instead of judging and being critical, we’d be welcoming and understanding. People can do much more together than apart.

New Week, New Routine

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Writing this early morning blog post today as I am starting my new work schedule this week! On Thursday our boss came to us with the idea of working four 10-hour days instead of our normal five day work week, and we were all thrilled! Of course, I don’t have any seniority in my department at this time, so the other people picked to be off Monday and Friday, so I decided to choose Wednesday as my day off.

I am excited to have a day off in the middle of the week as I will be able to get all of the grocery shopping done, as well as house chores and still have plenty of time for myself! I’m also excited as I’ll work two days, be off a day, work two days, and then be off two days (weekend)! I wrote out a tentative schedule for myself yesterday as I want to make sure I am taking time to prioritize and give myself time to do the things I want.

I put the gym in the schedule a couple days in the week, but also made it a point that the days I am not going to the gym, I want to at least go for a walk or do a workout at home. I’ve been feeling a lot better getting my body moving and I want to continue to get stronger as well!

I made sure to add in reading and journaling into my mornings since I’ll be home and not rushing to go the the gym, and because I keep saying I want to write more and never do anything about it. Now with the schedule change I feel like I am basically starting new and I feel like it’s kind of a reset for me, which I am using to my advantage!

I have to head to work here shortly for a ten hour day, but I have a feeling I’ll feel very productive and the day will probably fly by! And if not, I just have to get through tomorrow and then I get a day to myself anyways! I hope everyone has a great week! Make sure you take time to check in with yourself and see what it is you want to prioritize today and this week!

An Off Day

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Today just felt off, and honestly yesterday did too. I’m trying to be positive and remind myself that I’m allowed to rest and take breaks, but it’s not always easy. Today it’s 100 degrees outside and I started not feeling the greatest towards the end of my shift, so I ended up skipping the gym. I’ve been sleeping a lot more these past couple of days and I need to listen to my body.

I can’t help but feel guilty about it, and I’m trying to figure out why. Why am I so hard on myself? Is it because going to the gym is within my control and I’m not doing it? I already told myself that I’m going to the gym to feel better and be healthier, getting obsessive over it is not healthy! Honestly though, I’m stressed about life shit too.

We recently got a letter from our lovely homeowners association and they’re requiring some expensive work to be done. It’s annoying and honestly would never recommend anyone to live where there is an HOA. At a time where inflation is ridiculous, we’d rather not spend thousands of dollars on stuff that isn’t really that important (to us, but to them it’s not cosmetically pleasing), but we unfortunately don’t have that choice right now. I think the anxiety is coming from the fact that we don’t know what the pricing looks like yet, and I always have anxiety around money.

I am trying to remind myself that money comes and goes, and luckily my boyfriend and I are both working and are able to pay all of our bills. We truly are blessed and I am grateful for this every single day; I just need to keep reminding myself to turn to gratitude.

It’s not a bad life, it’s just a rough couple of days. I always come out of it and I will do the same this time. Day by day, I will learn to give myself grace, and I will learn how to be patient with myself. This is all part of the journey.

Monday Mood

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Today was a relatively good day, but I found myself getting easily irritated today and feeling a little anxious. This morning I didn’t feel 100% and I know it’s because I indulged in some ice cream last night, but I ended up sleeping in and skipping the gym this morning which I’m sure has set this whole tone.

I am in the car with my boyfriend now and just checking in with myself, and reminding myself that I am allowed to miss a day at the gym, I am allowed to eat some delicious ice cream, and I will be back in the gym tomorrow! Even just talking to myself made me feel a bit of relief, and I think that shows that is where the angst is coming from.

I have an automated response to be hard on myself and mad at myself when I change a plan or routine, when in reality, life never goes as planned. It’s okay to rest, it’s okay to take a break, and it’s okay to NOT be okay. Luckily for me, I am okay today.

Grateful

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I have been feeling so grateful for my life lately. Spending my days with my boyfriend and being more intentional with my time has made quite a difference, but I can’t pretend I don’t have my moments. Even yesterday I found myself getting a bit overwhelmed thinking about tasks that had to be done, but once I started doing them I realized they literally took up less than an hour of time!

It really is all perspective, and when you’re in a stressed mood, everything feels more stressful. Just like when you’re in a happy mood, everything feels easier! Getting my emotions and body in alignment is what I am currently working on, but have definitely been slacking on the nutritional end. I have been trying to get moving every day though, even if it’s just stretching for a few minutes; even that few minutes though can make a world of a difference!

It always feels good doing something for yourself, and I want to keep focused on getting into a good routine and healthier habits. I also want to get into a better sleep routine, going to bed earlier and waking up earlier is a goal of mine, especially because I want to start journaling and/or meditating in the mornings. I want to get out of the habit of reaching for my phone the second I wake up, as it is truly an overload for our brains to go from rest to an overstimulation of information.

This morning I didn’t look at any social media before I left for work, and I even listened to a short Jay Shetty podcast on the way to work! That alone made me feel more productive and started off my day on the right foot. I’m going to the gym with a friend after work, so that should be a nice time too! I hope everyone has a great week ahead!

Weekend Note

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I didn’t feel like writing yesterday, but I did write a note in my phone trying to dissect myself this weekend, so I’ll post that below! I hope everyone has a good week ahead!

______________________________________________

why do i doubt myself?

is it hearing it from the man I was supposed to grow up admiring? is it because I became a people pleaser at the expense of my own authenticity so I don’t trust myself enough? I don’t think I’m strong enough because I’ve felt weak for so long? I feel like my brain is broken, so how could I make the right decisions? I was so sheltered & felt so stupid, but the one thing I knew was money. I knew it & I blew it- but that’s not entirely true. I re-prioritized & got used to living a certain lifestyle. I drive a nice car, I get my nails done sometimes (less often than before), and I feed my iced coffee addition. These are things that make me happy, and having a reliable car is also a must. But I feel like because I don’t save as much anymore, and I “spend money on stupid stuff,” I’m a failure, so therefore a reason to doubt myself. I often feel guilty and get mad at myself after I go spend money on nails or food, I’m like why am I wasting money? How could I keep doing this? But I feel like I’m in a test with money, and I am working to win this battle. I will win.

Is it what it is

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I’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed by life this past week; it has a lot to do with my PMS and lack of sleep, but also just unexpected life stuff. I had a conversation with myself out loud in my car last night trying to get to the root of everything, and I am realizing I still have a lot of guilty feelings and am still very hard on myself.

I have to constantly remind myself that I am allowed to relax and take breaks, and that am a human being who is allowed to have emotions. Life gets stressful, and we don’t have control over much that happens, but I can control how I react and respond to situations. I can also look inward and ask myself questions to try to help myself move forward and understand myself more.

We all have bad days, but that doesn’t mean we have bad lives. Focusing on my blessings and practicing gratitude is what is helping me through these situations, and although it’s a struggle sometimes, I am proud of myself for truly trying to make it a habit to think more positively, no matter the situation. I don’t spiral out of control like I used to, which is progress in and of itself.

I hope everyone else is surviving this week!