I am grateful for another year of growing and learning about myself. I am so blessed to have a loving, supportive life partner who lifts me up, and who makes me feel seen and understood. I am grateful for the genuine friends who cheer for me while I cheer for them. I am thankful for my family, whether near or far they always make me feel loved. There are so many people in my life who truly mean so much to me, and I am forever grateful for everyone.
When it comes to me and my current goals, I am focusing on growing and striving for happiness in my everyday life. As I’ve said before, practicing gratitude has been very helpful in keeping a more positive perspective and attitude. I am working hard to practice the art of letting go and realizing when I am worrying about things beyond my control. I am also focusing on trusting myself and my intuition, and not feeling guilty for setting boundaries or speaking my mind.
Everyone else in the world has no problem speaking their opinions, so why do I silence mine? Especially when I feel that those with good intentions and empathy should be speaking out more. In his podcasts, Jay Shetty often mentions a quote by Martin Luther King Jr: “Those who love peace must learn to organize as effectively as those wholove war.” I am taking this time for me to get organized in my own thoughts for my own inner peace, because I deserve to be at my best, just as my loved ones around me deserve me at my best.
This month I want to focus on my health and mental health. With the holidays approaching, I also want to focus on love and joy, and do the little things that make me happy. I want to live slowly and enjoy each of life’s precious moments- I want to be fully present.
Things I can practice to help me:
-Meditation
-Journaling
-Social media break
-Continue going to the chiropractor
-Go to the gym more frequently
-Reading
This month’s Mantra for me: I release and let go of what I cannot control, and I focus on the beauty around me.
Good morning to this beautiful, dark Tuesday morning; I don’t tend to see this side of morning, but I decided over the weekend that I wanted to finally try waking up at 5am. This is something I have been thinking about doing for a while after listening to a few podcasts, and I finally decided to pull the trigger. The main argument that stood out to me was the fact that our morning routine sets us up for the day, and that if we take time to do something for ourselves in the morning, we are more likely to carry that good mood throughout the day. With my current job, my schedule is consistent, but I start at a different time every morning which has made it hard for me to set up a good morning routine. I feel that waking up at 5am is helpful, because I know that regardless of my work schedule for the day, I will have a solid hour of time by myself and that gives me the power to start the day off well.
I keep saying how I want to focus on my health and make good habits, and I am finally taking more steps to do this. Ironically I am listening to Mel Robbins’ most recent podcast episode and she is talking about manifesting, and she said instead of visualizing the end goals, we need to focus on the steps to get there… and that is what I am doing. I find it important to continue to check in with myself and what my goals are, and although I have a few different ones, my mental and physical health are at the foundation of all of them. If you think about it, how will I be able to be a good mom one day if I am physically unwell or mentally unavailable for my child(ren)? How will I ever be an author if I never make time to add writing/reading into my routine? How will I be able to pour out motivation or inspiration if I have not taken the time to fill up my cup? I am the only one who can set myself up for success, and I deserve to have happiness and success in life.
I do want to say that I already feel very happy and successful in life; I get to live with the love of my life, I have a job that I actually like, and I am working hard to unlearn my anxious tendencies in order to continue to move forward and progress in life. I feel very grateful every day for the life that I have, but that doesn’t mean we should stop making goals and thinking about our future. I will say it feels like I finally know the difference between manifesting/planning for the future versus obsessing/stressing over the future. I am finding it easier to let go of the things I cannot control, and I am working hard to stay focused on the things that bring me joy in life. I am the one who is in control of my life, and I get to choose to do what makes me happy. Sometimes it may not be easy, I mean getting up at 5am today was a little rough, but just reminding myself that this is what I want to do makes it a little bit easier. We all deserve to be happy, so make sure you take some time to check in with yourself and start doing the things that will bring you joy!
I wanted to make a post today, because I love the date and I also was able to reconnect with a good friend of mine today! She and I grew up together in the apartment complex that she is currently living in with her husband and sister! It was honestly kind of crazy to go walk through the courtyard where we once rode our bikes, and then over to a huge patch of grass that was once a the pool where I learned how to swim.
In a way it was kind of like a part of our childhood was completely gone, yet there we stood, reminiscing about it all. Honestly it was so nice being able to catch up and talk as if we never stopped, which I already knew would happen. We laughed so much and we just talked about our lives; it’s just amazing how much we’ve grown from those elementary school days. Now we’re adults who work and pay bills and live with our other halves…little me would be so proud of us.
I am honestly excited for tomorrow as I feel it’ll be a productive, yet relaxing day for myself and my boyfriend. I am excited to enjoy breakfast together and then afterwards I’m gonna get my nails redone since I still have my (now super outgrown) spooky nails. I have to get groceries afterwards, but I’m just doing a pickup, because I don’t need that stress in my life tomorrow LOL. I also am hoping to declutter a bit and put up our Christmas decorations! As some meme on the internet said: “you can still enjoy your turkey while looking at a Christmas tree.”
I also don’t care about turkey and Thanksgiving really isn’t my favorite holiday. I have said that before and I thought about doing a “Friends-giving,” but also kind of don’t feel like planning that. I do however want to have a Christmas party this year, I should probably let people know about that soon… another thing to do tomorrow!
I am happy to be feeling more present and self-aware lately, and I am feeling relief from going to the chiropractor as well. I no longer am having that feeling of tightness in my chest, and the neck/shoulder pain is getting better as well. I know I have a lot of work to do, but I am happy with my progress thus far and I am excited to keep moving forward with my healing journey, both mentally and physically.
Today is the day that my face will be up on a digital billboard in my town! I was lucky that the writing community I am in wanted to advertise in a major city near me, and they were generous enough to give me a billboard right in my town too so I didn’t have to go an hour and a half away to see it! It will be playing with other ads, and it is only for today! The billboard says: “What Makes You Strong? Enter our writing contest on TheUnsealed.com,” and then has my happy face on there! I am so happy that I joined this community and have been able to get some of my writing out into the public eye; this whole experience has been wild, as it has brought up things within me that I hadn’t truly realized before.
I always have had trouble celebrating myself, and I also hate being the center of attention (although apparently as a Leo I should love the spotlight), so being excited about something so public and personal felt weird to me. I know I am allowed to feel from this and I honestly do, but I realized that I have a habit of downplaying any exciting things or achievements in my life. When I graduated from community college, with a degree that I paid for with no loans or help from FAFSA, I remembered saying to my boyfriend: “Is it weird that I am not that excited? Like I don’t even want walk the stage.” He was encouraging and understood that school had been stressful and it was probably just a relief to be done, but also made sure I knew that he was super proud of me and I should be too. I did end up walking the stage, and both of our families were there to celebrate me which made me feel so loved.
While realizing that I have trouble celebrating myself, I also was connecting that to how I also have trouble truly looking at my life traumas as… well, traumas. I can honestly say that it was only within the last year or so that I truly felt validated in feeling traumatized, and it happened while listening to Gabrielle Bernstein on her “Dear Gabby” Podcast. She was talking about how everyone has trauma, and then talked about “Big T” traumas and “Little T” traumas. An example of a “Little T” trauma would be if you were standing in line to get food as a child and another classmate came over and called you fat. Even though this may not sound like a big deal, this thought can live in your brain and if you get stuck on that thought it can become all you think about and completely diminish any self-love or self-esteem that was there. But what struck me in this podcast was when she listed “having an alcoholic parent” as a “Big T” trauma… because I had two. Even though I had been going to therapy for years at this point, it still never hit me like it did in that moment. I had “Big T” trauma that I was dealing with, and I should be so proud of how far I’ve come. As I sit here and write this today, I am very proud of all of the work that I have done, and I look forward to seeing my continued progress.
I can say that as I am continuing this healing journey, I have moments of grieving where I feel so sad and distraught about the fact that I have been so distant from my own feelings and presence. But in those same moments, I am very present in those feelings, which makes me feel almost happy in a way, because that means I am here now. What I mean is that I am present with those hard emotions and I am feeling them all the way through, and that in and of itself is being present. I still struggle with celebrating myself, but I find when I am writing, it tends to come through me. There is that confident, higher self that is within me and she is working hard to break through. Together we are un-learning bad habits, re-wiring old thoughts, and immersing ourselves in podcasts and books about healing and mental health. I am the one who is writing my blog posts, I am the one who is going to therapy, I am the one who is doing all of this hard work, and I am doing it for me. I deserve to feel the love for myself that others can so effortlessly give to me, and I deserve all of the happy things that are in my life.
Here in this post, I release all negativity weighing on me, both physically and mentally. I no longer welcome this tightness in my chest, nor the pain in my back. I am here to release all internal stresses and external fears, as I no longer wish to carry them with me. I release all self-doubt and feelings of guilt, as I am growing and learning and there is no reason to feel guilt for something so beautiful. Here on this page, I release any judgment or tension I feel towards myself. I am not my anxiety, and I am not my intrusive thoughts; I am resilient and strong, and I always rise after a fall. I’ll give myself grace when I inevitable fail, and will take time to learn from each set back and move forward with a little more knowledge each time. As I write this post, I release any feelings of judgment or resentment towards others, as I know everyone is doing their best with the resources they have, and I know that I am not the one to determine what is right or wrong. Everything is not black and white, everything is grey, and who am I to say what is best for anyone other than myself?
Today marks a new moon which is a perfect time to get re-aligned and re-focused on intentions. I will be writing mine for the month here in this post. Feel free to comment your own or even make your own post about it! I find it important to check in with myself and make sure I am focusing on what I really want in life and making progress towards my goals; with that being said, here are my intentions:
-I want to be intentional with my words. Less over-sharing, and more coming from an authentic, honest place. I will no longer silence myself when something is bothering me, rather I will pause to reflect, and then do my best to communicate my feelings and set boundaries.
-I want make healthier choices when it comes to food. I know I don’t do well with strict diets, nor is that something I want to do, but in general I want to pause before I make decisions about food and make sure I am checking in with myself on if that is something I truly want to eat. Granted, I know my taste buds have strong arguments, but I also know gut health is linked to mental health, and I am trying to feel healthy overall.
-I want to write more on The Unsealed and continue building my writing Instagram. I know I have been writing more, but I want to get more consistent and stay focused on the goal: future author. I know this will be a rough project, going through pulling out old memories and old traumas, but I believe the whole writing process will be not only healing for me, but I hope it helps the reader feel less alone and more empowered.
As I sit at my kitchen table with my chamomile tea, and I listen to Taylor Swift’s new album “Midnights” for the first time, I am feeling both nostalgic, yet very present in this moment. I can think back listening to her album “Speak Now” and how I felt when listening to certain songs. The crush when listening to “Enchanted,” the new crush fantasizing about acting out her song “Speak now,” but now looking at my life in this present moment and it being better than I could have dreamt.
I live with the love of my life in the beautiful townhome that we bought together, we both have jobs that allow us to pay our bills, save, and still enjoy our lives. I have been able to get the help I needed for my mental health, and I am enjoying the healing journey every day. Although I still have rough days (I did just recently), I am much more confident, and I see myself so differently than I did before. It honestly breaks my heart to look back and think about how much I hated myself and my brain. I would constantly fight back against the anxiety and take out my frustrations on the one I loved the most. I had so much anxiety around money and my control issues were overtaking me, and instead of letting that be my life, I recognized that I didn’t have to feel like that for the rest of my life.
I feel so blessed that I have the ability to afford going to therapy, and I am also glad I was able to try different medications that helped to calm down my brain enough to allow me to do the work. Now don’t get me wrong, I am still doing the work every single day. We are human beings with emotions and outside events that can impact our personal worlds, and it is completely normal to have bad days; what I find important is that we try to remember how we strong we truly are in those moments. We have gotten to this very moment, which means all of those times where we thought our world was ending, or we were never going to get through that rough time, we were wrong- we can truly make it through everything.
I still have times where I struggle with stressing over to-do lists, and I still get overwhelmed when I have more than one event/large task in a day. I still have to work on communicating my thoughts and accepting the fact that not everything I say will always be received well by everybody. I still have to constantly check-in with myself and see if I am in alignment with what I want to be, and if I am honest, I still do things that I know I don’t want to be doing! I still eat unhealthy food, and I don’t have a consistent writing or workout schedule, but I am still getting up every day and working toward a healthier future for myself, and I know that I will develop these habits with time. I am just proud that I have been able to learn how to give myself grace along the way, and I am slowly getting better at not beating myself up. I catch myself in negative self-talk, and I remind myself that I am human.
I am blessed to have a life partner who has been so patient and supportive along the way. I have a love I have always dreamed of, and I am so happy that our future children will grow up in a home where they can see true love and respect. Considering the home environment I grew up in, I feel even more lucky to have the relationship I have today. We have mutual respect for one another, we support one another’s goals and always try to see where the other person is coming from. I love how well we communicate, and how our love has only grown stronger over the last eleven years. We make sure that we are growing together and still focused on our future together, because we both want this forever.
I am grateful to have good friends in my life who are supportive and always cheering me on. I am very lucky to have a few close friends who I know will always listen to me and not judge me. I also am grateful for the fact that they all understand that I won’t always want to hang out, but that it is nothing personal, I just love my alone time and often feel like I need it. I feel like I have many good people in my life and I do my best to make sure they know I love them. Life is short, and it is important to tell the people you love that you love them.
Overall, I am thankful for the life that I have today at 27. I feel like I am finally living my life for myself, and not for those around me. I feel like I have broken away from my people-pleasing habit, although I know I still have to work on speaking my mind even if it may cause a disagreement, but I am accepting of the fact that my healing is life-long, and that I get to choose how I view my life. I can choose to see all of the negative and go back to self-destructive patterns, or I can continue to focus on my goals and give myself grace along the way to them. I am proud of the woman I am today, and I am happy to be here writing this tonight as I enjoy this new Taylor Swift album. I appreciate all who read this far, and I hope you too are giving yourself grace in your journey of life.
So glad it is Friday! This week honestly flew by and it really wasn’t a bad week! Of course I am back to dealing with a late period and negative pregnancy tests so that’s a bit annoying, but I am trying to stay positive and remind myself that there’s no point in worrying because that will only delay it more. I’ve been trying to figure out if I am having some underlying stress that is contributing, but I can’t seem to pinpoint it.
As much as I get frustrated with drama at work, I don’t feel like I am letting it affect me mentally, but maybe I am! I know I was feeling some anxiety about the fact that I’m going to be on a billboard for a few hours in a couple weeks, but it feels like it’s mainly anxiety around my parents in a weird way. I know that my mom will be supportive of my writing and she knows I am healing and it’s my right to share my story and my thoughts, but just knowing how my dad has been my whole life, I just feel like he is gonna shit on it.
What matters is that I am proud of myself and my accomplishments, but maybe that’s my problem. I have such a hard time celebrating myself, it’s almost as if I got this exciting news and felt good about it for a day and then kinda shoved it away. It hasn’t even happened yet, but it’s like mentally I won’t allow myself to be proud or happy. I just keep making excuses about how they just needed a face in my town and it just happened to work out, but they also have enjoyed my writing and have been so encouraging on our zoom meetings and in the community. I guess I just don’t know why it’s so hard for me to celebrate myself, but it’s so easy for me to tear myself down.
Luckily I have therapy after work today, and maybe we can unpack that together. I honestly haven’t seen my therapist since July, so I am very much looking forward to this session. I just have to be conscious of my talking and making sure I’m not just venting so long that I waste the whole session. It’s hard when you only have 50 minutes and it’s been literal months since we’ve talked, but I know we will be able to have a productive session. I’m going to end this will an affirmation for myself- and I hope you all have a great Friday!
Affirming: I am healthy, I am calm and I am at peace. I release all that is not mine to carry, and I focus on what is aligned with my higher self.
finding light in the dark 