life

Friends.

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I have a few close friends; some that I see monthly, others that I see every couple weeks, and some I don’t see for several months. We are all adults who have our own busy lives, and luckily all my friends are very understanding of this. However, as we grow older our needs change, what we want/need in our lives is always shifting, and sometimes friends drift apart.

I struggle sometimes with what I am looking for and needing in a friendship, because of course I want to surround myself with positive people who are wanting to progress in life, but I also am not saying I never want people to express their emotions/feelings to me; I mean we all need to vent!

I guess I just don’t agree with a lot of my friends with certain things, but at the same time we are still able to see through those things and continue a regular friendship; I think more-so it comes down to that I feel like I cannot support a behavior that I do not agree with. But then I’m also like, I can ignore that and remember that everything happens for a reason/it is what it is.

I guess that’s where I struggle, as part of me is like “am I too judgemental with my friends who I don’t agree with?” or are they truly not good for my progress in life? I guess it comes down to, would I rather be alone than have them as friends? That gets hard too because I am a person who enjoys solitude, so it’s hard to say if I’d be cutting people off for the right reasons or not.

I had a best friend years ago, we were friends in high school and we were friends for a couple years after that. I called her my best friend, but in reality we never had any real conversations. One of the reasons we aren’t friends anymore was because I couldn’t deal with her immaturity anymore, but I had also been coming to a realization toward the end of our friendship that she never had her own opinions on anything, which made it hard for any real conversations to happen.

It felt like she just said what other people were saying, but had no idea why she was doing that or how she actually felt about it. She prioritized drinking/partying as well as taking pictures for social media. I’ll admit, I fell into that with her in that friendship; I was new to social media as my parents wouldn’t let me have Facebook until I was 16, and I enjoyed taking/posting pictures of myself having a good time with friends, and she was my best friend for that.

Over time she started disrespecting me, and I’d honestly usually let it go. She’d make fun of me, she’d talk all about her sex life but if I said anything about me and my boyfriend she’d gag and tell me to stop talking about it, but overall she had no respect for me whatsoever. The last straw was when I went to visit her at her college campus to celebrate my 21st birthday.

We celebrated a week after my birthday since her dad and I share a birthday, and I drove up to see her and she said we would have a girls night out drinking and we’d just stay at her sorority house that night. I met one of her other friends and we started bar crawling. At the last crowded bar there was a dance floor, and she wanted to go in and dance. I’m all for dancing with my girls so I said yes, but that quickly turned into her finding some guy to start grinding on. Mind you, I am in a committed relationship and had been for five years at that point, so I’m not out here trying to having dudes dance all over me.

So I exited the dance floor and hung out by the bar talked to a couple girls I met (you know how drunk girls always become friends? LOL), well eventually my “bff” comes out from the dance floor with that same dude she was all over, and she tells me she is going home with him. I am freshly 21 in a college town that I’m unfamiliar with, and she just told me she’s leaving me there. I asked her “where am I supposed to go??” and she gave me the code to her sorority house and left with this dude.

I called my boyfriend (mind you, it’s like 2am) and asked him to stay on the phone with me while I walked a couple blocks back to her place. He was infuriated of course, and I was too, but the alcohol likely helped to keep me more calm. I was very observant on my walk and truly just wanted to make sure I wasn’t going to get attacked/raped because you hear all these horror stories about college campuses. Luckily I made it to her place safely and have obviously lived to tell the tale, but safe to say that was basically the end of our friendship.

We did talk afterwards as she got mad at me that my boyfriend messaged her telling her she was a shit friend (which I didn’t know he was going to do), and she said that I didn’t want to be her friend because my boyfriend convinced me of that. Like no girl, you left me alone in the middle of the night in an unfamiliar area while we were celebrating MY BIRTHDAY! But once she was mad about that we had a text argument back and forth where I ended up just blocking her completely, and that was finally the end of a five year friendship.

The problem for me is that it took five years for me to realize that she was not a good friend to me, even when my boyfriend had been somewhat telling me that the whole time. He also says that about current friends, and my mom does too, which makes me feel like I am possibly just settling for friends again when I really don’t even need them. I don’t mean that in a malicious way, I more-so mean that I’ve grown to know and love myself a lot more over the last few years, and I am very content with being alone and having minimal friends.

I need to do some exploring within myself to see what it is that I am wanting/needing in my life when it comes to friends. As I grow older, my priorities are changing, life is changing, and sometimes you need to let certain people go to allow room for growth. I’ll be sitting with this for a while, as I feel I already have been. Please feel free to share your own story or advice in the comments, as maybe we can help each other.

Wishing Well

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I feel it is important to think of the people we love and care about, and wish them well. I was just sitting here on my lunch break and I know my boyfriend is back to work after a four-day weekend, and I’m just hoping he is having a good day. I know it’s likely stressful for him, but I hope things go as smoothly as they can for him and it’s not too rough; he works so hard and deserves to have good days!

I also hope my friends who are trying to conceive are able to do so soon. There are a couple different people I know who are struggling to get pregnant, and another friend who recently started trying, and all I can do is hope and pray that they can get their wishes granted. I remember watching an old friend go through infertility issues and a miscarriage after IVF, and it was so heartbreaking to see her so upset; but now she has two healthy boys and every time I see photos of them I get so happy for her. I pray my other friends are able to experience that joy.

To my friends struggling with mental health and insecurities, I hope they are able to find the strength to keep going each day and take the time to work on themselves, for themselves. I just want my loved ones to love themselves unconditionally- we all have “flaws,” but they make us who we are! There is so much beauty in our uniqueness if we just take the time to see it in a more positive light. I know it’s a lot of hard work, but it’s the most important work.

I also hope my fellow blog readers/followers are all doing well! I appreciate you taking time to read my posts, and I hope you can find some time for yourself today; whether it’s taking a bath, reading a good news article, lighting your favorite candle, or simply taking a moment to breathe. You deserve time for yourself. ♡

Monday Affirmations

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Happy Monday everyone! I hope everyone is starting off their week on the right foot. If not, try to take a few minutes of your day to focus in on your emotions and what you’re feeling, and then think about how want to feel and write that down or say it aloud (whichever is easier).

I am feeling a little off today recovering from a fun, yet exhausting weekend; so I’m going to list some affirmations for myself. Feel free to write yours in the comments if you feel like it!

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Good energy flows to me and leaves me feeling light and happy.

I attract positive energy and good vibes.

I am thankful for my health.

I am grateful for my family and friends.

I am able to see the good in each day.

I attract positive, healthy friendships.

I release all negative energy and thoughts of self doubt.

I release all heavy, tired feelings.

I already have everything I need to be happy in life.

Good news flows to me in abundance.

Money flows to me in abundance.

Thursday Thoughts

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With the new moon yesterday, I’ve been thinking about new intentions, and I really want to work on non-judgment. I am a very observant person, but this also makes me very judgmental. I find myself judging others for their “bad choices,” when in reality I don’t know what is a “good” or “bad” choice for that person; it just is what it is.

It’s basically like how I am rewiring my angry/negative thoughts to being thankful, I am going to actively start doing that when I find myself being judgmental. I have read about practicing non-judgment before, and I truly wish to master this skill. I know it will take time, and I’ll never be “perfect,” but I feel like a “bad” person when I’m judging others and I don’t like that feeling.

When I find myself being judgmental, I will instead start thinking about why I am grateful for that person or think of a positive way to look at them. I will also remind myself that “it is what it is, and should be,” because everything truly does happen for a reason. Does anyone else have any tips/tricks for this?

Late/Tired

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It’s late, but I didn’t want to not write at all. I had a good weekend, seeing friends and enjoying time with my boyfriend. I have been watching trash tv (LOL my guilty pleasure is Are You The One on MTV), and it’s honestly been so relaxing.

I have been still practicing the art of gratitude daily and really focusing on the positive side of things, and I can tell an overall difference in my mood. It may we a weird way to describe it, but I feel lighter. Like I just feel as if I am carrying less worry and less stress, and it makes me want to continue on this path.

For now I am going to rest as I have to work early tomorrow- I hope everyone has a great week ahead!

Back to Normal

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I get to go back to work tomorrow, which is earlier than expected, because my PCR Covid test from Saturday came back negative! I had a positive rapid test and a negative PCR in the same day (well, honestly the same minute)! Although I am bummed that I just cancelled seeing my family for a false positive, I can only move forward and make plans to see them another time.

I am hopeful that this pandemic is coming close to an end; seeing endemic being talked about seems promising! Not to mention seeing the UK lift all vaccine/mask mandates after reaching their peak with Omicron, I can only pray we’re next. Maybe finally after nearly two years we can all get back to our normal lives. It’s been so sad to hear about the people who have committed suicide and overdosed during this pandemic, especially knowing someone who did.

We won’t know how this pandemic truly affected people until much later; I know we have the numbers on the CDC website in regards to Covid itself, but I’m referring to the mental health issues and suffering that people endured during the shut downs. Children locked up in abusive homes, suicidal people alone with their thoughts, addicts who are bored but have nothing to do so they fall back into what they know; I feel there were much bigger effects on the human species than we know at this time.

At this point, all we can do is be grateful that we’re still here. We are pushing through, and hopefully there is a light at the end of this tunnel. Until we reach the light, it is important that we take the time each day to count our blessings and make our own happiness. We need to be our own lights during the dark times.

Bummed, but Looking at the Bright side.

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Today my boyfriend and I were supposed to go to Iowa to visit my family and celebrate our Christmas together; we do a white elephant exchange every year and order Happy Joe’s Pizza and it’s always a great time! Well, this morning I went for my weekly covid test and it was unfortunately positive. I called up my Mom, who let me know that my Dad woke up with a rash (which is apparently a symptom of Omicron) and they weren’t going to Iowa either.

Needless to say I was pretty shook and upset this morning, but as I’ve been practicing, I started to look at the situation with gratitude. I am grateful that I took that test this morning, because if it wasn’t a requirement for work I wouldn’t have taken it as I am completely asymptomatic. In which case I would have unknowingly exposed my family to the virus. I’m also grateful that I feel well and that my boyfriend feels well and his at-home test was negative.

I’m also looking at this as an opportunity to do what I want/need to around the house. Today we hung up curtains that I’ve been meaning to hang for a while now. I plan to read and write more during this time at home; I want to take time to focus on self love/care.

I am proud of myself for not allowing myself to let this whole situation completely upset me. In the past, I’d be so irritable and upset for hours, if not days, over something I literally have no control over. It’s so important to count your blessings and appreciate what you have. It helps make life a lot more bearable.

Crystals

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Three separate people have gifted me crystals this past Christmas. My best friend and I finally celebrated our Christmas together yesterday (LOL yeah, we’re late AF), and she got me a witchy mystery box that came with three different crystals, a stone, some seeds, bay leaves, and little notes that explained what all of them do and are used for!

She bought it from a small shop and she sent in a description of me, and the shop owner used their insight and sent a cleansed mystery package. It’s honestly interesting to me; I’m not quite sure I necessarily believe in witchcraft or that type of thing, but I do believe that our minds are powerful and we can do a lot with just focusing more on positivity and goals.

From what I know about “witchcraft” (which is barely anything so take this how you want to) is that’s it’s about setting intentions, removing negative energy, and manifesting whatever it is that you desire. In general people speak about the “law of attraction,” which is basically getting what you desire by focusing on it with intent, and I see that same idea here in a way. I think overall that it is just bringing people to be more present and aware, which is then making us notice more around us and appreciate more (which isn’t a bad thing)!

I don’t know how much I’ll dive into this; ironically one of my other good friends was just over on Friday night and was saying how she wants to get into crystals, so part of me is like “is this a sign?” Do I even believe in signs? I’m unsure at this point. I’ve been trying to focus more on my health as I think I may have been experiencing blood sugar issues, so I’m working on adding protein to every meal as my doctor recommended. I think that should be my main focus at this time, but I am definitely interested in learning more!

Relief.

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I let my friend know that I was struggling to hear about her friends death, and honestly the conversion went so well it almost left me feeling angry with myself; instead I reminded myself that I am still growing and I can take this as a lesson and move forward. I found myself hesitating to put myself first out of fear of coming off like a selfish asshole, when in reality that’s the exact opposite of what I am trying to do.

It’s okay to be overwhelmed and it’s okay if certain things are triggering; what’s not okay is expecting people to understand when you haven’t communicated with them. I was avoiding an important conversation out of fear of confrontation, but having the conversation felt like a huge weight was lifted off of me. And now I can also take time to heal and see what boundaries work for me.

I ordered a couple more books off amazon today. After reading “The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success,” I feel the need to dive more into learning about being aware and present, as well as the law of attraction. I have always believed in and been interested in Karma, but I never focused so much on what I was giving to the universe each day. I am excited to go on this inward, spiritual journey and learn more about myself.

Yesterday was the first time in several months, if not a year, that I had inspiration to write a poem. I sat down and wrote the first two lines that I had sitting in my head, and the rest just seemed to pour right out of me. Although it’s probably not my best work (I’ll have to go back and re-read it), I am just happy that I had that sudden feeling to write!

I’m excited for the week ahead, and excited to see my best friend this upcoming weekend for us to finally celebrate our Christmas together LOL. I hope everyone has a great week!

Therapy.

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I just finished up speaking with my therapist! Much different from our last conversation considering a month ago I had finally been setting boundaries and felt like I was sticking to them, and then today I feel like I’ve gone completely backwards and didn’t actually do anything that I thought I did. Hearing her say that this is kind of a “curveball,” made me feel somewhat better in a weird way; maybe just because it seems like anyone would be struggling with this and I feel less alone in it? I don’t know if that even makes sense.

We talked about a couple goals for me, one of which is journaling. I do write on here weekly, I guess sometimes more when I’m going through shit, but the act of physically writing down my thoughts/experiences will be beneficial for me. I actually used to write a lot when I lived with my parents, and it definitely was an escape/coping mechanism for me. Since being on my own with my boyfriend, I live in a much calmer environment which hasn’t required that need to escape.

I need to write out what I’m feeling in order to help myself understand it better. I feel it’ll help organize my thoughts as sometimes I feel like I am taking on other peoples’ issues and I’m not as good as I thought I was at determining what is “mine” and what isn’t. Another goal is to have subtle boundaries. I do NOT have to answer my phone when a friend/relative calls if I am not in the right headspace. NO ONE needs instant access to me, and me setting boundaries is NOT meant to hurt anyone, it’s meant to help myself.

I know I have a lot of work to do, but I am ready. I am tired of making myself physically ill my own stress, and honestly even over other people’s stress. I want to regulate my nervous system and find peace within myself, and I deserve that. More reading, more meditating, more breathing.