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Today’s Thoughts

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I’ve always had this feeling that I am meant for “more.” I have always felt that my words could reach many people and inspire them to live their best, happiest lives, even though the self-improvement category itself has millions of authors and podcasters already. I’ve always dreamed of writing a book and starting a podcast, because I was able to improve my own life with the help of therapy and consuming this very content that I wish to create. But why do I feel the need to spread the word? Is this really for the good of all and helping others, or am I feeding a need for validation that I was constantly seeking throughout childhood? Do I actually crave the spotlight when I have been doing so well at hiding from it my entire life? Do I feel the need to “fix” and “help” people, because I didn’t feel like anyone was there to do that for me as a kid? I’m just going to journal out some thoughts and see if I can get clarity to any of these questions.

From my current perspective, I can acknowledge that I had a traumatic childhood when it came to my home/family life. My parents were functioning alcoholics that seemed to hate each other based on the profane words they screamed at each other every night. I was overly sheltered and controlled, all while my parents were most certainly out of control. As I grew into my teenage years, I started recognizing how abnormal my family situation was, and this is where the anger inside grew. I never rebelled in my opinion, but I did start to have a pretty smart-ass attitude due to the fact that I was not allowed to have the same big emotions that my parents had. I remember being upset about something and my dad mocking me by saying “awwww why don’t you go slit your wrists.” He felt that I was overly dramatic… I wonder where I got it from.

That was a very small blip of the kind words I heard directed towards me, but all to say that I had a lot of anger and self-worth issues within me. Once I moved out of their apartment and into my own with my boyfriend, I thought all my issues would be gone. In my head, I knew that clearly my parents were the problem, so I was confused when my anxiety and anger issues did not dissipate, instead they started to eat me alive. I felt so much shame, and I started taking the anger out on myself in my mind. I repeated phrases I heard from my father repeatedly inside my head. “Dumbass.” “You’re not gonna make it on your own.” “You’re so dramatic.” “You’re the reason we fight.” I never believed any of those drunk words at home, but now as I sit in my own apartment with these uncontrollable thoughts, I can’t help but think that it must have been me the entire time. Why did I still feel like this even though I was no longer under my parents’ control? After months of constant crying and panic attacks, my fiancé finally said to me: “I think you need help.” And I knew I did. I didn’t want to feel that way every single day of my life, and I had no idea how to help myself, so I found a psychiatrist and started my journey.

I know I have talked about my medication journey and all of that before on this blog, but long story short I was not happy with my psychiatrist or the medication I was on. I ended up quitting cold turkey after my doctor refused to allow me to stop the medication, and it took a while for me to consider starting any other anti-anxiety medications again. Over the years, I found help in talk therapy, but also found a lot of help in listening to podcasters such as Jay Shetty, Mel Robbins and Gabby Bernstein. I found help in self-help books, as well as spiritual books such as The Four Agreements and The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success. I found help in talking walks outside and focusing on play, rather than perfectionism. To this day, I am still in therapy and thanks to my doctor, I have been able to gain a better understanding of myself and why I am the way I am. I am still practicing being present and allowing myself to try new things without focusing so much on being good at whatever it is I am doing. Life isn’t about being good at everything, life is about being able to handle failure and recognizing that we are here to learn and grow constantly. I used to feel so defeated if I made a single mistake, and I would go down a shame spirals of self-loathing that took a while to dig myself out of. Now I still will have moments where I feel upset with myself or my progress, but it is much easier to pull myself out of that headspace and remind myself to give the same grace and love that I give to others to myself.

I remember how horrible it was to live in my head when it was riddled with abuse and negative self-talk. I remember feeling guilty for being sad and feeling empty when I had such a beautiful life around me. On the outside, everyone saw success, but on the inside I was dying. All of my worth came from my accomplishments and what I was doing with my life, but inside I felt less than worthy of any of it. I felt inauthentic and angry, and instead of allowing myself to just feel through the hard feelings, I kept hating them and shoving them away into a deep, dark shame hole, which only seemed to grow and consume me. It was when I finally recognized that fighting against my thoughts only made everything feel more chaotic that I started to actively just allow the thoughts to just be and then go. When I gave each of these negative thoughts the extra attention, it only made them stronger and allowed them to ruminate around and around; but once I acknowledged the thought and let it pass, it became so much calmer in my mind and body.

I prefer to have a calm mind and body. I prefer to feel control over my thoughts, rather than the other way around. I’d rather feed the positive thoughts and ruminate on good news. I’d rather see the good in the world and the lessons in the chaos, knowing that all is happening for the greatest good. I’d love a world in which we could stop hating ourselves, thus making it easier to love another, bringing peace across the world. This is a dream I have, as I can see the difference in myself and how I interact with the world around me now that I understand and love myself. I truly believe that if humans were in tune with themselves and had empathy and compassion towards others, we could have peace here on Earth. When I started this post, I was looking for an answer as to why I had these dreams to write a book and start a podcast, but that is because those are tools that can be used to assist in this large, seemingly impossible dream. I know in my heart that love always is the answer, and love is always meant to win. No matter how dark the world gets, there is light that can break through and shine brightly. The world needs more light, and the only way to achieve that dream is to do my part and spread light of my own.

Wednesday Morning

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I’m grateful to be waking up in a cozy bed next to the love of my life.

I am grateful for the birds chirping and that the storms have calmed down.

I am grateful for rest and good sleep.

I am grateful for access too food and water, as well as the iced coffee I’ll be having in about an hour.

I am grateful to have loving, healthy cats.

I am grateful for our home and our love.

Thank you for this beautiful day.

Thank you for this beautiful life.

New Moon in Taurus: A Love Letter To Myself.

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It’s been amazing to watch you grow into the woman you are today. A woman who is no longer afraid of her emotions. Once upon a time you wanted to completely rid herself of them, and with just a few months of Zoloft that goal was achieved. It didn’t take long for you to recognize how lost you were without them, without your powers.

The sensitivity you have to others and to the world around you is a gift when you learn how to use it, and it’s amazing to see you catching on. I see you allowing yourself to feel that childlike joy and also allowing yourself to feel the anger that you’ve been shoving away for too long. Far too long. See how the world has shifted now that you accept and embrace these feelings? No wonder you want to share this with the world.

You care so deeply for others, for humanity as a whole actually. You’ve seen and felt what pain and trauma does to one’s mental health and well being, which makes it easy to have empathy for those who are struggling. You know what it’s like to not be able to feel the true love and joys around you, and now that you can feel them, you want everyone else to be able to feel them too.

You used to let this empathy consume you; losing yourself in everyone else’s worries that they all endlessly dumped on you. You absorbed the anxieties they had and abandoned yourself for too long, completely losing track of what was yours and what wasn’t. You did all of this while trying to keep up a perfect appearance to literally everyone around you- never releasing your own problems or feelings, because they all had enough to worry about.

You always felt like a burden, which is why you made sure to always put everyone else’s happiness before your own. If other people were happy, then there was less likely to be any conflict, thus giving a feeling of safety. You were in survival mode for most of your childhood and early 20s, and I am proud of the transformation you have made through your healing journey.

You allow yourself to rest without shaming yourself about it; instead you now realize it is necessary to recharge your own battery. You are present in your life, making new memories and taking time to enjoy the time with loved ones. You no longer talk about yourself negatively, but instead with the same empathy and grace you’ve always given to others. You have recognized the importance of speaking up and being authentic, and you openly and kindly share your thoughts and opinions with those who you’re close to. You prioritize spending your time and energy with the right people, and you aren’t afraid to say “no.”

You have grown so much throughout the years, and I am so proud of who you are. You deserve peace and love, and you have it all around you and within you. You are a magical woman with a strong intuition, and you’re a magnet for miracles. I love you so much, and I’m so happy to finally be here with you in this beautiful and crazy world. I am here. I am home.

My First Computer (Prompt)

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Write about your first computer.

My first computer wasn’t mine, and I’ll always remember that. When I was seven years old, I had a birthday party at the clubhouse at our apartment pool. This party I remember so many family members coming to, some I didn’t even know. One of these family members was my dad’s cousin (so also my cousin, but he was older so I probably looked at him like an uncle I didn’t know lol), and he brought in the best gift: a computer.

This is the early 2000s and we don’t have a computer in the house, as they’re relatively new and I assume they’re also not cheap. I never even thought about having a computer, but I knew that you could color on the computer and that usually they had some games, so I was excited to play with it!

I remember asking my parents “is the computer for me?!” even though I assumed that it was considering it was my birthday and everyone was bringing me gifts, but that’s when I quickly learned not to get your hopes up. My dad looked at me and without hesitation told me “no, it’s for me” and meant it.

He took that computer and, in my child eyes, became obsessed with it. He’d come home from work and be on the computer for the rest of the night. I occasionally got to play with paint and as I got a little older I could play games on disneychannel.com and what not, but I felt like the computer completely changed my dad.

He seemed angrier and like he never had time for me or my mom, and like everything on the internet was more important. This is probably why I am so passionate when it comes to screen time and how addictive it is, because parents will literally neglect their child and even their own needs for the sake of a screen.

I have since grown older and I do not wish to hold resentment. I have moved on for the better and have learned a lot throughout my life. There are many lessons I will take with and apply to my future parenthood journey, and this was an example of one. I remember how it made me feel, and I will do my best to avoid hurting my child(ren) in that way.

Authenticity Only

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I was a people-pleaser for too long, and this year I am actively working against it. I have ignored red flags and disrespectful behavior all in the name of “keeping the peace.” I was keeping quiet to keep others happy. I was agreeing when I didn’t, just to avoid conflict/confrontation. I never wanted to hurt anyone’s feelings, but in reality I still did, because I have been lying. People-pleasing is manipulative; going along with things or saying “yes” when you actually mean “no” is just presenting yourself in a false light. I have been doing this my entire life- avoiding conflict, keeping quiet, and making sure everyone else is comfortable while sitting in my own discomfort. I’m done.

I deserve peace and comfort. I deserve friends who love the real me, and who are real with me. I deserve honesty and to unleash my true feelings, and in reality, anyone you lose from being honest and setting your boundaries is not a loss, it is a blessing. This makes more room for your true friends and support system to come in, and there is no reason to hold onto people who aren’t truly happy for you or manipulate you out of your own boundaries. Now, it is 100% on you to enforce your boundaries, but also it is important to watch who is actively pushing against them and take proper action.

What bothers me or makes me uncomfortable is valid, I will no longer let my mind manipulate me into settling for less than what I deserve. What is mine is mine and I am not required to share everything with anyone; I value my privacy. I deserve to speak my mind and I refuse to build up any resentment or hard feelings when I can just have a conversation. Like Glennon Doyle’s podcast says: “We can do hard things.” I am doing this hard thing this year, because I know it is necessary and will free me in so many ways.

Sunday Funday

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My friend is about to drop off her kids to hang out for a while, and I have decided that this is my opportunity to be a kid today! We have candy land and lincoln logs, and we even have a classic DVD player with a variety of Disney and Pixar movies to choose from! She’s bringing over some snacks, and we have some fun records to listen to! It’s going to be a carefree, imaginative day.

Obviously I am also going to be supervising the children and making sure everyone is staying safe and well! My fiancéis also here to help which is nice, and I know time will just fly by! Kids can talk and ask questions for hours and hours so I am interested to see what is in store today LOL.

As for the week ahead, I am feeling more comfortable at work and feeling productive every day, which is great! I am excited to get in a good groove and get caught up on things and take on more tasks. I also am excited to focus more on myself and my health outside of the office, and hopefully get a nail appointment this week! We had a huge snow storm so I didn’t feel like driving to my appointment this weekend.

We are continuing to lock things in for our wedding which has me super excited. I find myself getting extra emotional when listening to love songs, and I am just so happy and grateful that I get to marry my best friend this year! I’m just going to keep focusing on that energy this year!

It’s 5am on Sunday…

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…And my boyfriend and I just woke up to the sound of our cat puking on our bed. I guess technically that was 15 min ago as I got up to wipe it all up and threw our comforter into the wash. I am not happy with the situation, however I am glad I was able to get up and move around relatively quickly! My back pain isn’t completely gone, but I feel the steroid pack I’m taking has helped a lot!

I’m also trying to look at the other bright sides here: we have a washing machine at home, so I was able to wash our blanket immediately. Also, we do not work today, so it’s not like I have to go back to sleep and get up to an alarm. We also have spare comforters so I was able to just grab a clean one for my boyfriend and I to use now. Lastly, my cat does not appear to be sick or ill, just had a bit of an episode.

It’s easy to fall into an angry spiral, and I am proud of myself and my brain for being able to recognize things to be grateful for in times of stress. I definitely don’t always do this, and stressors sometimes get me in a low mood for a while, but as I keep practicing and becoming more self-aware, the more resilient I will be when life inevitably sends obstacles my way.

On a side note, I am very much recognizing that people will treat you/respond to you in ways that may not necessarily make sense, but it is all coming from their own personal perspective. Something I say could easily offend someone, even if there was no ill-intention or malice anywhere in what I was saying, but it’s not my job to tip toe around others in the world. If the conversation (or lack thereof) is between adults, both are responsible for communicating.

I know in the past if I was bothered or hurt by someone, I would just run and talk to my boyfriend about it or my mom, or sometimes even another friend, but what good does that do? How is that helping the situation at hand? If there is no communication with the one who bothered me, how will they know I was bothered? They can’t read my mind! The only way to solve this situation would be to go straight to the source and discuss how you feel.

Now I am no expert at this at all, this is just something I am learning and recognizing in life. We all respond to things based on our own triggers and life issues, but it is no one else’s job to know what bothers me, it is their job to know what bothers them and what they’re willing to tolerate. It is my job to express my emotions and tell others if I feel triggered by their actions, and how they respond is something I can take note of.

Becoming self-aware is rewarding and also somewhat annoying. It’s easy for me to get irritated with my own triggers and my own emotions, but also as I learn where they stem from I can do my best to look at that through an adult lens and give myself grace for this childhood habits I have. I find I get very upset when I feel misunderstood or when I feel someone is trying to make me out to be a certain way, when I know who I am.

-TRIGGER WARNING: mention of self-harm-

I know this stems from the lack of trust my parents had for me, and at times in childhood I felt very emotionally alone because my own parents couldn’t understand my emotions, and it didn’t feel like they tried to. I’m sure they see it a different way, but I always remember any anger or sadness I had being met with “you’re so dramatic” or when my drunk father told me to go slit my wrists.

The worst part is that he (and my mother) very likely has no recollection of this, so that experience for me will never be validated or discussed. I feel if I ever brought that up today, that he’d deny it up and down, make me doubt my own reality, or he’d probably tell me to slit my wrists again and say “see, now I told you too!”

This is one of those people that I have had to set my own boundaries with, as he is not one to respect any if he doesn’t agree with them. It was my choice to move further out of town. It is my choice that I refuse to talk to both of my parents in the evening, as I know they’ve been drinking. It is my choice to work through these traumas with a therapist and through writing, as I know I can reap the benefits of healing without having to deal with the emotional stress of having my reality continuously denied.

In reality, there are people who will actively listen and try to understand you and where you’re coming from, and there are others who will say/do anything to deflect blame or deny. It’s up to you to recognize who is worth your time and energy when it comes to those exchanges. I am very aware that a conversation with my parents who are very against therapy/mental health/healing would be like talking to a wall: endless frustration with no hopes of progress (aka a waste of time).

I do, however, have good friends who will listen and who I actively listen to in order for us to grow and solve issues. I can’t say it’s always easy, because some are definitely more approachable than others, but the true friendships are worth fighting for. For me, if someone is willing to listen and actually try to understand my triggers or my point of view, I want to do the same for them.

I feel that relationships thrive when there is open communication, compassion, and trust. True friendships and/or romantic relationships will always have their hard times, but the communication within those relationships is what makes or breaks the bond. The acknowledgment of your own faults or how you may have hurt someone else is HUGE in this as well. If you are unable to see or acknowledge how you’ve hurt someone, that conversation (and maybe even friendship/relationship) is not going to last.

We are all capable of hurting others feelings, whether we mean to or not. This is again where that open communication comes in. Be willing to listen and feel what the other person is saying, and pause. Remember that their triggers are likely different than yours, and even if you didn’t mean to hurt someone, if they feel hurt by you and you value that relationship then you should listen and do some self-reflection. It is also important that you are able to share your own perspective/thoughts on the matter, but just make sure you’re not invalidating that person’s feelings or experience, as you don’t live in their head, and you don’t truly know how they feel.

We all have our share of childhood trauma that has fortunately or unfortunately built us into the people we are today. As adults, it is our job to become self-aware and learn how to communicate with our loved ones, as well as how to set proper boundaries that help keep yourself and others safe. If someone is unwilling to listen or understand your boundaries, then it may be time to take a break or let them go. The most self-aware we become, the easier it is to listen to our intuition.

Overall, I forgot I started this post talking about cat puke LOL! Man, did I take a few turns along the way. Either way, people see you as they see themselves, which is a great reason to turn to self improvement and self love; the more you love yourself, the easier it is to love and see the good in others. And when someone says something rude or comes at you seemingly unprovoked, remember that it has to do with what that person is going through, it rarely has anything to do with you directly.

Back in Pain

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WARNING: TMI discussing female body/bodily fluids/blood

Before starting this post, I decided to look back through my blog to see when else I posted about back pain. I did in the beginning of January, the beginning of July, and now I am back at it again. Between July and now I have been wearing my back brace and going to the chiropractor, but apparently that didn’t mean much.

Thursday I woke up with a little bit of soreness in my back, and as I was going through my day at work, I could feel the pain becoming more and more bothersome. I told my manager that I may go to ER after work, and my boss above her suggested I go to this certain immediate care in the area where they do MRIs, and she said “why don’t you go now?” So I clocked out for what I assumed would be a longer than normal lunch break and I went on my way.

This immediate care wasn’t busy, which gave me some relief. When I finally spoke to the receptionist she let me know that my Blue Cross PPO insurance plan was not in their network so I would have a higher out of pocket cost for the visit. I was in so much pain I didn’t even care and agreed to be seen.

After waiting about ten minutes in the waiting room, a medical assistant came to bring me back to the doctors room. He asked me all the questions and had me rate my pain level. I said 8.5. but he couldn’t do halves so we rounded it to a 9. Then the nurse practitioner came in and asked the same kind of questions.

I told her that this has happened before, but now I’m noticing it seems to come right before my period (or in January it was around ovulation). I also mentioned how my periods seem to be very clotty and I am unsure how normal that is. The nurse suggested I follow up with my OBGYN and discuss the possibility of endometriosis, which would show normal tests sometimes so it’s hard to diagnose. Ironically enough, a year ago in August is when I had an internal uterine ultrasound as I was worried with the sharp pains I had, but I was told all is fine.

I had also mentioned to her that a week or so before my 21st birthday I was in the ER for pooping blood, and they had recommended I follow up with GI. I did that, but then never went through with the colonoscopy they recommended, embarrassingly because I didn’t want to drink that stuff and be shitting my brains out all night before the procedure. The GI place also couldn’t give me any quote on how much it would cost, and back then I was so concerned about money so I let that factor in, and now I worry that we missed something.

The nurse just recommended I also talk to my PCP and let me know that they do not do MRIs at that facility and I’d need to see my PCP to order one for me. She also prescribed muscle relaxers and a steroid pack and told me I should rest and have minimal movement for the next couple days and gave me a note for work. I am seeing my PCP next week, and the soonest OBGYN appt is in about 2.5 weeks.

I find it odd that these health problems like to pop up in the July/August time frame, and it makes me wonder if there is some unresolved trauma from a time in my life. I have the book “The Body Keeps The Score” and I have been hesitant to start it. I know it’s all about the hypothalamus and how it remembers everything that ever happened to us, even when parts of our brain will hide certain things from us for survival reasons. I am not ready to start it just yet, but I am interested to ask my therapist her thoughts on this.

Regardless of whether this is trauma related or it has to do with my curve in my spine or something else internal, I am ready for answers. I need to know how to prevent this from continuing to occur, because when the pain comes on, it’s unbearable. It hurts to sit and especially to drive. It hurts to stand up or walk. I can barely bend over to put on socks and shoes. I really only get comfortable laying in bed on my heating pad, and even so, it hurts to roll over / switch positions.

Thanks to the immediate care, I have a flat Medrol Dose pack that seems to be taking away the inflammation. I also have the muscle relaxers, but I decided today that I am no longer going to take as they put me to sleep, and also make me extremely sweaty and flushed. I am taking ibuprofen as well and just relaxing on the heating pad. I know this pain will go away, it’s just keeping it away that I am worried about. All I can do is go to my appointments and advocate for myself, so that is what I plan to do.

Sending love and healing to all.

Today’s Instagram Post:

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THIS!! This is hard ass work and I understand why most people don’t want to do this, ESPECIALLY when there are already issues of self-doubt and negative self-talk. If you’re already feeling low and critical of yourself, why would you want to sit and learn about how terrible you really are??

In reality that is how it can feel, but the most important thing I have learned over these past few years in my healing journey is to be able to observe myself with compassion and understanding, rather than harsh judgments. I know that may sound impossible, and for me it definitely felt like it was at first, but once I was able to recognize and learn about the brain and how so much can stem from childhood / past traumas, I was able to understand my patterns and where certain behaviors came from.

I have been lucky enough to have been able to find a therapist who I love, but know that unfortunately not everyone has access to a good therapist. I am glad there are apps like “Better Help” to allow people to have a more affordable option for therapy, but there are other options that have personally helped me as well.

Finding @the.holistic.psychologist here on instagram was a game-changer, and then realizing she has a podcast (@selfhealers.soundboard) and books (@howtodothework and @howtomeetyourself and her new one coming out @howtobetheloveyouseek) just opened the door to non-judgment and self-awareness. She has so much knowledge and experience and shares it with everyone for little to zero charge! I also have had amazing realizations when listening to other podcasts such as @themelrobbinspodcast, @jayshettypodcast and @deargabbypodcast! those are only a small amount of the millions of podcasts out and available for all to listen to!

I truly believe that once we can truly learn about ourselves and learn to see ourselves through the lens of non-judgment and compassion, that is when we can allow ourselves to truly heal and be free. I also know that it’s then easier to see others with compassion, as most of our judgment of others stems from something within ourselves (yeah I know… that one hurts).

Sending love and healing to all on their journey- you got this! 🤍✨

New Moon / Healing Blocks

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The new moon is upon us, and according to the fun astrology Instagram accounts I follow, it is time to turn inward and release blocks that are stopping me from my dreams. I know there is still deeper healing to do, and I maybe have been avoiding it, but I know that this will be beneficial for my in the long run. I am a sensitive person and I feel emotions very deeply; my mom and aunt always said growing up that we are “Empaths,” for those who believe in those sort of things. I am learning to embrace the idea of being sensitive and having heightened emotions/feelings, while also trying to overcome a childhood where I was shamed for being these things.

A lot of the chaos and internal battles likely stem from the confusing messages that I received as a child. As my brain was developing along with my self-esteem, I had one parent who was trying to be encouraging and empathetic towards certain feelings, and I had another one who would tell me I was “dramatic” or I was always “overreacting” to certain situations. It definitely didn’t help that I was quite sheltered and felt overly-monitored, but also I was being controlled by adults who seemed to be out of control.

I know that all parents are doing their best with what they know, and I know that my parents love me dearly and felt they were doing everything they needed in order to keep me safe. I do appreciate the fact that I had two-parents in the home, and although they both worked, they were also home most of the rest of the time, so I did have time with them. Unfortunately, I don’t have many childhood memories (likely due to hypervigilance) and currently in my life I can tell I am still holding onto some anger and resentment, which is likely causing some of my blocks.

I feel angry for the younger part of me that didn’t feel protected, while also being over-protected. She felt like the emotional punching bag for her father, that is whenever he decided to participate in the family. At age seven, the family got a computer, and it felt like she lost her dad at that point. If he wasn’t sleeping or at work, he was sitting in front of the screen. Looking back now, I know that my mother was doing the same thing, but with the television. Part of the difference was that her and I could at least talk and bond over some shows, while it felt like my father drifted further away from any bonding. It felt like he only wanted to participate in conversation when it had to do with judging my life or my choices, or giving criticism to how I handled my emotions.

Looking at this now, I know it is because both of my parents had no clue how to handle or deal with their own big emotions in a healthy way, so they had no clue how to model or teach me something they didn’t even know. Although my younger, sensitive self would have appreciated some gentle parenting or emotional support, I know that I can give that to myself now. I can validate my own emotions, and I can admire that I feel emotions very fully and deeply. The fact that I can listen to and step into how someone may feel in their own situation is a gift, as I can empathize with and validate how they may feel, and it also allows for a deeper human connection.

Many people just want to feel seen and heard and understood, or at least have someone be open to listen to their perspective…I would love to be able to give that to others, and I know now that is because that I what I needed as a child. I want to put forth effort to acknowledge and show compassion to my own emotions, as that is what I need and deserve. Honestly, I get sad when I think about that I cannot express certain things or feelings to family and those who should be closest to me, but at the same time, it was never really their validation or support that I needed… I needed my own. Maybe I did need certain emotional support as a child, and I can take that information into my future life as a parent (hopefully), but for now it is important that I heal my own wounds and issues so that I am less likely to pass them to the next generation.

I know another block I have has to deal with attention. I find myself judging certain posts that people make online and literally see it as “they are just looking for attention,” and even if that is the case, why does it matter? This was something that was drilled into my head as a kid: attention-seeking is bad. Although I can 100% see how it can be bad, especially for those with low self-esteem or unstable mental health, it also can be something beneficial. The fact that Jay Shetty and Mel Robbins have captured the attention of millions is incredible! They encourage self-help/self-improvement and they help by looking at the science behind certain habits and ideas! People may have judged them or shamed them for the videos and posts they made, and if they had listened to them then we may not have their best-selling books or their podcast episodes… but instead they knew their intentions and listened to their intuitions.

I know that being an adult child of alcoholics, being quiet and “off the radar” was something I was basically trained to do. Daily drinking would be a concern to certain school counselors or teachers, or really any other adults around me…if that secret had gotten out, my parents could have been in trouble. If the police had seen the relatively fresh cuts on my arms after someone called them to our apartment, I would have been removed and my parents would be questioned. When I look back at things now, I feel like I can understand why I wasn’t allowed to do certain things, and it really had nothing to do with me. My guess is I couldn’t have sleepovers, because if I needed a parent to come and get me, they wouldn’t be able to since they were drunk every night. It could also be the fact that I would see how other families lived and operated that was more healthy or functional than what I had been living in. I’m sure they also didn’t want me to have attention drawn to me in any way, as depending on what that attention was for, it could lead back to my parents and their behavior.

I also don’t really know if I would get answers to these questions, as it is hard to approach most topics with my parents. My mom feels forever guilty about my childhood, my relationship with my dad is definitely estranged, although I doubt he even sees it that way. They are still together too which makes it difficult for me as I still sometimes feel a bit of guilt when I am making plans with one parent and not the other. My dad always made me feel guilty for the relationship with my mom, saying we were “ganging up on him,” and he felt like I hated him…yet he doesn’t seem to understand why I felt the way I did. Even after all of the mental work and reflection I have done, I honestly don’t even think any conversation would go well because I am sure my reality would be denied as it always was. It’s hard because they could really not remember due to the amount of alcohol consumed, or they also could be in denial-either way this will not result in any sort of productive conversation.

This is something that clearly still brings some anger, and I am still working to release this block of needing my parents validation. The truth is I never really needed it, again, I just needed my own. Now that I am an adult and am capable of listening to my own thoughts and intuition, I know that I am a good person, and my sensitivity is a gift. Me being open to sharing my story and how I came out of crippling anxiety is something I feel the need to do. There are many ACA/ACOA’s in the world, and we have many blocks and issues that we need to work through, and as we do, we are able to take back our own lives. It may look to some like I am seeking out the attention and validation that I didn’t get as a child, but I know my intentions and my own validation is the only validation I need. I feel proud of the work I have done, and I know that others who have similar struggles can also do this work and feel satisfied and full in their own lives. Although I have plenty of work to still do, I am happy with where I am, and I am looking forward to the journey.