anxious

Logged out.

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I logged out of twitter and tik tok. I’m tired of wasting time, and I need to focus on myself and what I want to achieve. I need to set goals in order to meet them, and I want to continue to progress in life. I’ll be writing more, and I’d love to get back into poetry. I’ll be working out more, as I want to be stronger and healthier. I’ll be spending more time with my cats, as I love them dearly and want to spend time with them while they’re here. I’m going to do what’s best for me and focus on what makes me happy.

Talk to you all soon!

Wedding Weekend.

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This weekend was interesting to say the least. My boyfriend and I were in our good friends’ wedding and it was stressful as fuck. Don’t get me wrong, we love them so much and are so happy for them, but it was so much work and so exhausting.

After having to get up at 6:45am and working until 1:00pm, my boyfriend and I drove to the rehearsal dinner on Friday, and we were all supposed to start at 6:00pm, but the main people needed were running late to this got delayed to 7:15pm. That unfortunately kind of set the tone for the rest of the events to come.

With starting late, the actual dinner part of the “rehearsal dinner” didn’t happen. Instead we all went back to the hotel to set up for the wedding. The bride and groom ordered us all pizzas and we got to work- setting up tables, blowing up balloons, decorating the reception area, and so on.

My boyfriend and I were so tired, and especially me because on Thursday night I went over to the bride’s house to help her and her MOH with last minute wedding crafting and then I had to retwist my boyfriend’s hair so I didn’t go to bed until about 1am. I’m sure running on 5 hours of sleep and then the schedule running behind really added into my stress levels.

We ended up going to bed around 11, while others stayed back to continue helping. The coordinator had already left so they were just finishing up the balloon arch, but I still felt bad leaving. However, when I spoke to the bride she said that she was up doing stuff until 3:00am! Then I felt even worse, but also we had to be at her hotel (different one than we were staying at/where the reception was) at 8:00am to start getting ready.

Once everyone was there and getting ready things were pretty smooth sailing when it came to timing, but then shit started hitting the fan. I honestly don’t want to go into details, but the poor planning and feeling everyone stress levels for HOURS was so draining. I started having a panic attack on the trolley where the whole bridal party was minus the bride), but was able to stop crying and calm myself down. I was also lucky enough to have my boyfriend with me, which helped tremendously.

After her horse-drawn carriage entrance, and the live butterfly release, we took 8 million photos and were late for the grand march and delayed the whole reception by 45 minutes. Once we were there I was just so happy for all of this stress and timeline shit to be over. I was so triggered because I hate running late and I hate when things don’t go as planned and everyone else was feeling stressed and angry, and I could just feel everyone’s negative energy.

So now that we were finally where the open bar was, I was just so happy to finally get food and drinks. My boyfriend and I loved the greek buffet food, and we really enjoyed drinking and dancing the night away with each other. He really doesn’t like big events or being around people, but we truly had a wonderful time together once all the stress was gone (other than having to help clean up everything at the end of the night).

I truly hope the bride and groom didn’t feel all of this stress, but I know for sure the bride was stressed a few times. I can say they will have great pictures from the wedding, but this whole thing really reinforced my thought that big weddings are really about trying to impress other people and I think people get lost in it.

I’ve never wanted a big wedding, and my boyfriend agrees. We decided years ago that we will have an elopement ceremony once that time comes. When we went to Aruba in 2019, we decided that we want to get married there! We’ve been ring shopping in the last couple months, and last night when we did our video message to the newlyweds he said that our time was coming soon (to be fair I caught the bouquet)!

We are coming up on our ten year anniversary in October, but we’ve been together since we were 16, so we’re still young! I’m okay not being married right now, but I mean we’re basically married already. We have been living together for seven years, we bought a house together, and we take care of our cats together lol! I get so happy when I see my friends getting married and having kids, but I’m also so happy that we still have those things to look forward to. Weddings always make me emotional, and I’m so happy that I have such a great life partner.

What to do

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I have this itch to start doing something new, like youtube or streaming. My boyfriend and I have talked about doing a podcast type thing together or a reaction video channel, but I think I have a fear of both failure and even success. It would suck to put a bunch of time and effort into something for it to flop or not be fun, but it would also be insane if it took off for some reason and then you have to keep up with that.

I’ve always wanted to do things to help people deal with their mental health, but I also feel like I am not in a position to help people when I’m still learning how to help myself. Humor and making people laugh can also help those give a relief of pain for a while, so maybe we should just start with reaction videos.

Another thing is I’ve always enjoyed singing, but not many people have heard me sing. I have thought about singing and posting that too, but also I’m hesitant. A part of me wants to re-download tik tok because simple one minute or less videos sounds much easier and quicker, but I also feel like I will waste a bunch of time scrolling.

I don’t know I just feel motivated, but also not because I’m clearly not focused and don’t know exactly what I want to do. I just need to do something!

Father’s day

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Father’s day has never been my favorite. I never feel like I can say that since I know there are people out there who have lost their dads, and I also know there are people who are close with their dads who are still here. My dad and I have an improved relationship now that I have been out of the house for about six years now, but it’s still not my favorite.

I do love my dad, but I cannot say that I really like him entirely. I’d like to say I have forgiven him for what he’s done in the past, but that’s probably a lie and I definitely haven’t forgotten. I don’t sit and dwell on the past anymore like I used to, but I also won’t pretend that my dad was a great parent.

Apparently in my younger years he was very involved and happy to be around me, but once I turned seven everything changed. My dad’s cousin brought us a computer for my seventh birthday, and although it was for me, my dad said it was for him. I was able to use the computer sometimes, but for the most part my dad got lost in music and MySpace. When he’d get home from work, he’d go right to the computer and stay there for the remainder of the evening.

Another thing that happened was my grandpa (mom’s dad) died when I was seven. This sent my mom spiraling into alcoholism which my dad willingly followed her. My parents drank every single night, and although this was to “help my mom sleep,” instead it left me with restless nights of listening to their drunken rages against each other. The weekends were always worse because the drinking started earlier.

I’m now twenty-five, and they still drink every night. Luckily I moved out at 19, and it took time to stop the obsessive worrying about if my mom was okay or not, but now I know it is not my problem and there is nothing I can do about it. People will only change if they want to. Not once have they tried to get sober, and I hope they realize that this will have quite an effect on them once I decide to have children, because I cannot trust them to watch my child with their alcohol addiction.

Recently during a phone conversation, my mom tried to tell me that my dad “was nice for the most part,” to which I simply told her that was not true. I reminded her of the time where during an argument my dad screamed at me and said “who pays for the health insurance that you’re about to need if you don’t shut the f*ck up.” Of course she didn’t remember this (as they both are always drunk) and started apologizing. The intention was not to guilt trip, I was simply stating a fact.

Just because I have grown up and done well with my life, doesn’t mean that we can just pretend the traumatic shit that happened didn’t happen. Yes, I have moved on and the relationships have been civil, however that does not erase history. I don’t really prefer to talk about what happened with my parents, because my dad lives in denial and my mom lives in guilt; it’s not worth having a conversation over.

Despite everything I have been through, I did see my dad for father’s day, and I also gave him a gift that I made him which he appreciated. I do wish that he would do some self-reflection and realize what he did and how he needs to change, but at the same time it’s not my problem.

Monday Motivation

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I’m happy to be writing this today in a much better state of mind than I was in the last post. I am taking my duloxetine prescription every other day right now, and I added in daily B6, B12 and Magnesium supplements that were recommended by my therapist. I’m planning to go on a walk after this post and soak up the sun and just pay attention to the beautiful world around me. My therapist recommended that I work my stresses/anger out with meditation and working out, which is something I have been meaning to start doing but haven’t actually done.

In a way, I think me coming off my medication and realizing how NOT okay I am has been a great thing! I thought I was making so much progress, and although it was a hard pill to swallow when I realized that I hadn’t, it is better to know now so I can do the work that is needed. I may add another therapist into the mix, as my current therapist is extremely busy, but I also am thinking about seeing someone who is more holistic in practice. It can be nice to get different viewpoints and advice, and I also know I don’t want to be on any more medications so if I can avoid that I will.

I am also looking at self-help books and podcasts, as I feel like the more I immerse myself in healing and learning about how to deal with anxiety, the better I can help myself. Us humans have been living in a social media world for decades at this point; we constantly are scrolling and absorbing post after post, switching from angry to sad to happy and I am sure this has some effects on mental health. I downloaded all of my data and deactivated my Facebook last week, and I am proud of myself for cutting that off as it truly was an addiction. I already have noticed a positive difference in how I feel and how I use my time.

I keep saying I am going to write more, and I will. This is going to help me with my healing and will keep me focused on the goal. If I find myself scrolling, I will work on redirecting myself to writing, reading, meditating, or getting some exercise. All I want is to be able to truly love myself, and in order to do so I have to actively practice self-love. I know I am not perfect, and I will not do this all the time, but as along as I remind myself how important this is and keep coming back to it, I will make progress.

Calm and content.

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Well it’s Tuesday at 11:08pm and I just remembered that I still hadn’t posted here yet. I’d like to say I’ve been busy and motivated, which I guess is somewhat true, but also I feel like I haven’t been doing anything. I mean I’ve been working and then just hanging with my boyfriend. We did grab lunch with a couple friends on Sunday which was nice.

I’ve been enjoying my time with my boyfriend, and we actually went looking at rings over the weekend to give him some ideas (his suggestion)! I am so happy to be spending my life with him, and although I’m excited for the proposal, I don’t want to know anything about it. I don’t care where it is, who is there, if it’s photographed or not… I just want it to be a surprise.

He had asked me recently if I wanted the proposal to be in front of people or if I wanted it to be just us and I told him I didn’t care. I honestly feel like it being just us makes the most sense, I mean we are each other’s best friend and it’s always just us two, but again I won’t care either way.

I’ve kind of enjoyed just slowing down a bit this past week and moving into this week. It gives me time to appreciate things a bit more as I feel like I can take time to observe and take everything in. I am seeing my therapist this Friday and I honestly am excited, because I feel like I’m in a good headspace so we can start digging into more parts of my brain.

I’m getting tired as I type this, so I’ll close this off. I honestly was planning to write more, but I didn’t even make my weekly Sunday post this week sooooo no promises.

Motivated and mindful

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I’ve been feeling very motivated this past week. I’ve been more mindful of what I’m eating and my physical activity levels, and it’s already making such a difference! I’m not going on runs or to the gym or anything just yet, but getting back into walks and at home workouts.

I have really been trying to focus on myself and improving myself both mentally and physically. One thing I am struggling with though is this constant battle of feeling selfish, and feeling like I’m being an assh*le to my friends and family.

The thing is I’m a super low-maintenance person, which isn’t good nor bad but it definitely differs from a lot of my friends/family. Not to say everyone else is high-maintenance, but when I tell you I’m low maintanence it’s like I never want or need anything from anyone. I rarely ask for help or favors, and if I do it’s probably from my boyfriend as we are each other’s biggest support systems.

I have gotten better at saying no to people, but I hate feeling guilty about it – and people seem to love to make me feel that way. I recently said no to a couple family things and I feel like it may cause some tension, but at the same time I can’t be spreading myself so thin and this has been just a super busy year (and last year).

I was in a wedding in November, one in March, and now I’m in another one this coming July; not to mention I started a management job at the end of January and which was a large transition in itself. I also recently had health issues that are thankfully resolved (for now?), but excuse me if I need to take some time for myself. I can’t feel bad about it; I refuse to.

Feeling better

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I am finally starting to feel normal again. This morning I had a follow up appointment with my PCP and she prescribed omeprazole to help with my symptoms, so I’m hoping this helps as well and everything goes away.

This is going to be a productive week at work as we only have patients coming in on Friday, so we get to play catch up on claims and billing which is much needed! This office had some less than competent people up front for the past several months, so there is plenty to clean up!

It is so satisfying to get messes fixed and organize the office. I can’t wait to get everything exactly how I want it and continue to bring in new patients to the practice. For this week I am planning to get off around 3-4pm every day, so I will be working on crafting projects and exercising.

I have to continue to work on myself and I have to stop all of the self-loathing. I broke down on Saturday, because I just was feeling like I was ruining everyone’s plans and I was constantly forgetting things. After talking to my boyfriend, we came to the conclusion I have spread myself too thin with work/friends(weddings).

With my hands in too many things, I can’t be giving 100% to everything, and that makes me more upset because I have pretty high expectations of myself. I have to take a step back and think things through before I’m saying “yes!” to everyone and ask myself if it’s something I can actually handle taking on. Boundaries are important, and they only work if you enforce them.

Not having a great time

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I’m still having issues with my health; random nausea and this morning I was having random sharp cramping. I can’t remember if I said but mother nature finally made her appearance 13 days late, which was a relief in a way, but also it’s sounding like my next step might be a GI doctor.

I have a follow up appointment on Monday at 8am, but it has to be Telehealth since I’ve been vomiting (even with my negative covid test). I feel like they’re just going to tell me go to the GI doctor; honestly I do have a fear of being diagnosed with Crohn’s disease. But I do need to take care of myself, so I will listen to what the doctor says on Monday.

I’ve been having a rough mental health day/week. Today I was bawling my eyes out in the car with my boyfriend because I feel like I’m constantly ruining everyone’s plans. My best friend got married yesterday and the plan was for everyone to go to the bar after the dinner, and unfortunately I felt like garbage after dinner and a couple drinks so I went home after dinner.

I felt terrible about that and then I also ruined planed with another friend today. She was supposed to come over with a couple other people for wedding crafts, and I forgot that my boyfriend wanted to go see a car that was an hour away from home, which messed up the plans. Then we also forgot that we had an appointment at 2pm for someone to come out and measure for our windows to be replaced, but luckily we made it back in time.

The other thing was my boyfriend had an appointment to see that car at 12pm, and his brother stayed over last night and we wanted breakfast this morning. When we went to breakfast it took a little longer than normal because it was busy, and then we were late to the 12pm by almost an hour. When we got there, we were told they just sold that car five minutes prior. So then I felt even more like shit.

I just haven’t been myself and I’ve been super stressed and I feel like I’ve been holding a lot in that I just need to let out. I’m so annoyed and frustrated with myself, but my boyfriend was saying how he gets so upset when I’m so hard on myself and how he wasn’t even upset with me or anything. I just have been completely out of it lately with everything going on with my health too.

Anyways, I’m just so exhausted and I’m really needing to just push through this shit. Tomorrow is going to be sunny and 60 degrees, so I need to make sure I go on a walk. I also am going to grocery shop and get some healthy options, as I need to start treating my body better. I’m excited to spend the rest of the day just relaxing and spending time with my boyfriend. I’m ready to start feeling better and feeling more like myself.

Confused, annoyed, exhausted

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So after two full days off of work spent on phones with doctors and getting pointless labs, what I knew the labs would say were correct and they wasted my time, because I still don’t have any answers. Today I threw up more than I did the last two days, and it sucks because I went to work today and left after just a couple hours of being there.

I’m home now laying in bed, I finally ate but my stomach isn’t exactly happy right now. I am still waiting on lovely mother nature to make her appearance and it’s just stressing me out (which I’m sure is actually the entire problem).

I’m worried that I am so stressed that I made myself physically ill. The odd thing though is that I’m not anxious with work and I don’t feel like I am overly stressed! Of course work has stress, but I feel like I can let it go when it’s time to be off of work. I’m just confused and irritated and exhausted at this point.